Fate Has Redesigned Most
Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera or Love Never Dies!
Author's Note: This is not meant to be taken seriously! I haven't tried writing anything funny for Phantom as of yet, and I thought this would be a good first attempt. I've written parodies before, and I love doing them, but the biggest thing that irks me is when people review complaining that the storyline wasn't believable, the characters were OOC, etc...so no reviews like that! This is purely meant to be funny. I, myself, am a fan of Love Never Dies, but some of the aspects of the plot I find incredibly far-fetched. Which is what makes me think it'll make for a good crackfic. But I love hearing what my fans think, so - whether you love or hate LND - leave me a comment! Thanks everyone, and enjoy :)
Raoul scowled at the hideous monstrosity before him, and had to bite his tongue to keep himself from spitting at him. How dare that wretched creature laugh in his face! Raoul, in his drunken state, could think of nothing else except besting the Phantom once and for all. Christine and her happiness and well-being were the furthest things from his mind.
"All the rules...rearranged!" declared the Phantom haughtily. He approached Raoul with a strange gleam in his eye, one that spoke to Raoul. The gleam said, "Raoul, you're a drunken fool. You don't have a son, and your wife cheated on you. Go away." That gleam made Raoul even angrier, and he missed the next words the Phantom spoke.
Raoul growled, and screamed right in the Phantom's face, "Fortune's on my side! I won her long ago! I won her from you then! I-"
"You what?"
Raoul and the Phantom stopped dead in their tracks. Both had been so absorbed in their argument and bet that they hadn't realized how far they'd moved from the bar stools and counter. The door at the opposite end of the room was ajar, and in it's frame stood the hauntingly beautiful Christine De Chagny. She was not happy.
"Christine, my dearest wife!" slurred Raoul, a foolish grin forming on his face. All thoughts of the Phantom and his games fueled the fire that was burning in his mind, and he stumbled to Christine angrily. "This - this monster, is -"
As Raoul came up to Christine, he tried to take her into his embrace. She pushed him away indignantly, crossing her arms and arching one of her eyebrows. Raoul was taken aback at his normally submissive wife's attitude. The woman who stood before him was far too much like the Christine Daae he'd first met at the opera house. Having her own thoughts and opinions, not accepting every word he said without question. When had this begun again?
"Raoul, you're drunk." Christine stated. She wasn't asking him, but he felt obliged to answer anyway.
"Of course! How else am I supposed to deal with you and - and that?" stammered Raoul. He laughed heartily, as though he found the circumstances he was in quite funny.
"You won me?" questioned Christine blackly, taking a step forward so that she was in Raoul's face. Raoul quivered back from his wife's angry eyes, and looked down at his feet.
"You - er - heard that?" he asked shyly, looking up at Christine through his blonde lashes. Christine simply nodded.
"Of course I heard that!" she shouted. "You and Erik weren't exactly being quiet, Raoul! This is a public building in the middle of town! I was out buying groceries, and I saw an entire crowd gathered here! Naturally I went to see what all the commotion was about, and I find you and Erik arguing over me like children!"
"But he started it!" pouted Raoul, begging his beloved darling to understand. Could she not see that he was trying to make things the way they once were? Back at the opera he had won her, and then he had groomed her into the ideal vicomtesse. Every woman's dream! She was certainly being ungrateful.
"Raoul, Gustave is more mature than you. And he's ten." pointed out Christine with a huff. Raoul seemed genuinely hurt by the accusation.
"Of course Gustave is more mature than him." said Erik from where he still stood at the back of the bar. Christine and Raoul had almost forgotten he was there. "Seeing as the boy is my child, after all. No son of mine would ever act like a spoiled fop, despite the fact that I had no hand in his upbringing."
Christine's anger turned from Raoul to Erik in the quickest of moments. She approached her former Angel of Music with malice in her voice. Never had she been so assertive with either of her suitors. "And you," she began. "You just returned to my good graces! You finally have a chance to know the truth of my feelings, so what do you do? No, you don't wait to see my choice like a normal person. You have to go and make a bet with my husband! Even if I did admit to loving you, which would not be taken lightly, you'd never know if I was being honest or not because you threatened my son and Raoul! What is your problem?"
"I love you!" stated Erik clear as day, as though that phrase was the most obvious thing in the world. "And everything I do, I do it for you!"
"That doesn't make it right!" claimed Christine heatedly. "You can't just go around doing whatever you feel like because you want to impress me like a doe-eyed school boy!"
"Hey!" shouted the forgotten Raoul. "There's nothing wrong with being doe-eyed!"
"Need I remind you what happened at the opera?" continued Christine, ignoring Raoul completely. "What did you do 'for me', Erik?"
Erik looked down ashamed. The Opera Ghost had certainly lost his confidence, his intimidation tactics, and his pride. He mumbled something unintelligible.
"What was that?" questioned Christine. Erik sighed.
He said somewhat louder, "I killed Bouqet."
"And?"
"And Piangi."
"And?"
"And kidnapped you against your will."
"And what happened?"
"I frightened you."
"So why would you try to do anything for my benefit now? Why can't I make my own decisions?" Christine all but shouted. Her cheeks became flushed with anger, and she continued her tirade strongly.
"You'd make the wrong ones." Erik shrugged. Having no experience dealing with women other than Christine, who until this point had shown naught but an even temper, Erik was putting his foot in his mouth far too much. His statement earned him a nice slap across the face.
"You're all mad!" announced Christine. Her gaze flickered between Erik and Raoul, and the mere sight of them gave her a headache. "I'm not going to sing for you," Christine said to Erik. "And I'm not going home with you." she said to Raoul. Both gave her confused looks.
"But - but then I lose the bet!" whined Raoul sadly.
"But I must hear you sing once more!" announced Erik. "I must hear you siiiing -!"
"Please!" begged Christine, covering her fragile ears. "Not another verse of that! And what do you mean, you must hear me sing once more? You've been hearing me sing the entire time I've been here!"
Christine stormed from the bar, and slammed the door behind her. When she reached the crowd outside, who had grown very quiet so they could hear what was happening, she was met with deafening applause.
Back inside, Erik and Raoul were dumb-struck for several long moments, then both turned to each other and picked up right where they left off.
"Devil take the hindmost!"
After three verses more Raoul stormed away, sick of playing the Phantom's game. He had a disobedient wife to find. Erik was left alone.
Suddenly, Meg Giry walked back into the bar, a smirk upon her face. The once shy and innocent girl slid across the floor to Erik, whom she draped her arms around and kissed. Erik looked down, noticing the petulant child for the first time, and asked in a scared tone of voice, "When did this start?"
I know this was short, but it was fun to write. Might not have been as funny as I was going for, but (though I love LND) I felt that I had to criticize some of the ways these characters were portrayed in the show. It was crazy. Let me know what you guys thought! Thank you :)