Disclaimer: Okay, I don't own the show, I don't own the characters, I don't own the players, blah blah blah…
It's been 15 years since I last wrote fanfic. Please be gentle. ;)
Summary: Some anniversaries are coming up, but no one is celebrating… Jisbon, angst and romance, a bit dialogue-heavy.
Walk Through Fire
It started with a case. Not really an exceptional case, more a run-of-the-mill murder that fell into their jurisdiction. What was exceptional was Jane's behavior. He spent most of the case completely detached and distracted, and it was starting to worry Lisbon. Where were the jokes at everyone's expense? Where were the eye-twinkles, the grins, the dodges and tricks? Everyone was noticing, even VanPelt, wrapped up in her wedding plans.
When the case was over (yes, Jane had pegged the murderer early on and yes, he was right, again), Lisbon was starting the ream of paperwork on her desk when there was a knock on her office door. She frowned, but said, "Yes?"
"It's me, Lisbon. Can I come in?" the voice of Patrick Jane drifted through the door.
"…Yes, I guess. What's going on?" Lisbon answered, and set the folder aside.
Jane came through the door, looking tired, and sat on the couch. "Well, I wanted to explain why I've been so out of it for this case, but first I wanted to apologize for it…"
Before he could continue, a surprised laugh escaped Lisbon's throat. "Patrick Jane, apologizing without being asked first? Maybe I should mark my calendar…" but she trailed off when he flinched at the word 'calendar.' "Alright Jane, what's wrong?"
"My anniversary is this month." Jane said. He didn't volunteer any more information immediately, so Lisbon pressed on.
"Your wedding anniversary?" she asked.
"No, my…other anniversary. My… no-more-family anniversary." he replied, haltingly, not really wanting to say it but needing to get it out.
"Oh." she said. "I'm sorry Jane, I knew it was coming up but I didn't-"
"Didn't remember the exact date. That's all right." he replied. "And to tell the truth, even that isn't exactly what's wrong."
"So tell me. What exactly is wrong, Jane?"
"Earlier this week, I realized I'd been feeling terrible for days. Depressed, distracted, just awful. And I couldn't figure out why. There were 2 whole days where I actually forgot what was coming up. I mean, I remembered enough to feel bad, but not enough to remember!" he said, and his expression showed how much it pained him to admit it. "Am I forgetting them? Is it all about me and Red John and revenge now, with the original reason fading?"
Lisbon stood up, and walked over to the other chair. She sat down and sighed. "Of course you're not forgetting them. If you love someone you never forget them, not even if you don't see them for 10 years, not even when they die." She sighed, lost in a memory of her own for a moment. "But this… anniversary of that awful event that you still blame yourself for is like a knife in your heart. After years and years, your heart is starting to slowly grow around it. The edges are becoming a little less sharp, the pain a little less keen. It's never going to not hurt, Jane. But it's going to dull. That's what happens."
"Well this is the first time it HAS happened!" Jane snapped. Then he sighed. "I guess I always thought that only once it was over would the sadness start easing. Once I got Red John and made things right-"
"Stop right there, Jane. You can't."
"We're not having this argument again, are we?" he almost smirked.
"No, we're not. For once I'm not speaking as a cop." Lisbon stopped for a moment, and rubbed her eyes. It really was getting late. "I mean you can't make it right. No one can Ever make it right, because it was Wrong. No matter what you do, it won't bring them back. Call it revenge, call it murder, call it justice if you have to, Jane, but don't call it Making it Right."
Jane was silent for a moment, and then shrugged. "Fair enough."
Lisbon hesitated, and then reached out and took his hand. "I know this feels odd and wrong now, but I think it's a good thing even though it's frightening," she said, and her voice was softer and kinder than usual. "You have people, living people, who care about you. People who want you to heal inside. People who would like to help you heal."
A trace of the sly grin crept back into Jane's face. "Well, Lisbon, I've told you more than once that you are both lovely and lovable, but I really don't think propositioning me is appropriate at this moment."
"Watch it, Jane," she said, and a hard edge returned to her voice.
"What?" he said, beginning to smile.
"I said, watch it," she repeated, and dropped his hand. "Wait until I offer before you refuse."
"That would be the polite thing, wouldn't it?" he replied, and now his old teasing tone was back. "I apologize."
"Good. Now go home. Or go upstairs. Just try to get some sleep." Lisbon went back behind her desk and opened the file again, as a signal that she was going back to work.
Jane watched her for a moment, and then got up. Crossing to her door, he said "Thank you for listening."
She smiled without looking at him. "You're welcome."
As he walked out of her office, he peeked back in and said, "Until you offer? So you are planning to attempt seduction at some point, right?" and quickly closed the door to avoid the flying stapler.
###
After that, things were a little different. Not so most people would notice, or suspect anything. But in moments when Jane had the option of causing trouble like usual or giving Lisbon the heads up, he started choosing the latter more often. As for her part, she had always stood up for Jane and supported him. She had always made excuses for him. Now she started letting herself laugh with him, even playing along with more of his tricks than she used to.
When the anniversary came, she diverted everything and everyone around him, making sure he had his space. Even through his sorrow he noticed, and thanked her for it.
He started spending more time in her office when she was working late. Sometimes they would chat, but sometimes it was just to be in the same room. She would be bent over her desk, and she'd look up at him lounging on her couch. Sometimes he'd have a book, and others he'd just be lying back with his eyes closed. She realized how much better it made it her feel, just having another heartbeat in the room. Lisbon wouldn't have admitted it at the time, especially not to Jane, but she was enjoying the new closer dynamic they had.
###
Time passed. Soon another anniversary was coming, the anniversary of the murder of Sam Bosco and his team. Lisbon was not looking forward to it; it was still so fresh in her mind, even though it was 2 years ago.
When the day came, everyone was a little quieter. Anyone who worked for CBI at the time spoke in hushed tones, and most of the team gave Lisbon a wide berth. Jane kept doing errands that took him into her office, first coffee, then with a report no one else wanted to give her.
The third time he went in, this time to ask if she wanted anything from the lunch order, he stopped in the doorway. Lisbon was sitting at her desk, typing and taking occasional sips from her coffee. She looked totally normal, except for the tears running down her cheeks.
Jane went in and closed the door behind him. He waited for her to acknowledge him, and when she didn't after a moment he finally said, "Teresa, do you know that you're crying?"
She looked up at him. "Am I?" She put her fingertips on her cheek. They came away wet. "I am. No, I didn't know." She looked back at her computer for a moment, then back at him. "Teresa?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
Jane smiled. "I do know your first name. I just save it for special occasions."
Lisbon didn't smile back. "What's up, Jane?"
"Lunch order is going in, and I came to see if you wanted anything," he said.
"No, nothing," she said, "But thank you for asking. See you later Jane." The tears still hadn't stopped.
"Hey," he said, walking over and taking her hand. "You can talk to me. You don't have to cry alone in here."
Lisbon stared up at him for a moment, deciding. She then squeezed his hand and motioned for him to sit down. "Sam was in love with me, you know," she said, flatly.
"I know." Jane answered.
"I loved him, too, but I wasn't in love with him. Well, first he was my partner. Then he was married. It was hopeless, so I never let myself go there. But I really did care about him. And I really, really miss him." she said, and her voice broke. Her face crumpled.
"I understand. I really do." Jane said.
"But you know the strange part, Jane? When it was a case of him or you, I picked you. Hell, it was a case of him AND me or you, and I picked you. I was ready to ruin his life and my career for you." Lisbon said this matter-of-factly, but Jane was stunned momentarily.
"I knew it was serious," he said. "I knew you had something on him that you used as leverage to keep me here. I didn't know you looked at the situation that way, though."
Lisbon smiled bitterly. "You wouldn't. But that's the way the situation was, Jane. It was 'you let me keep him or we both go down in flames, Sam'."
Jane watched her face closely. "Let you keep me?"
"Let you stay, I mean. You know what I mean. Don't be an ass." she snapped. But her eyes were still sad. Jane realized at that moment that one of the reasons they were sad was him.
"Look," Jane said, "I- I once gave up a chance at Red John for you. I killed a man to save your life. It shocked and hurt me… but I would do it again for you, no question. I'd trade my life, but never yours-"
"Enough, Jane. No more soul baring. Get back to work." she said, and turned away from him.
"No. Don't do that. Don't turn away from me. Don't push me away." Jane said, and turned her back to face him again. "Remember what you told me? You have people, living people, who care about you. People who would like to help you heal inside. It applies to you as well. But you have to let them in, because you're the only thing that's keeping them away."
"Do you love me, Jane?" she asked suddenly. "Because I love you, even when you make me so angry I can't stand to look at you. Sometimes I think I'd do anything for you. Then I remember that I practically have." The hurt in her tone was inescapable.
Jane was actually speechless. He couldn't remember the last time he didn't have something to say.
"You don't have to answer me. I know you don't love me. I see that ring on your finger and I know." Lisbon continued. "But you can't bully me into opening up beyond what I'm ready for. You can't stick a crowbar in my soul and pry it open. We work together. We solve cases. We're friends. I love you. You don't love me. Maybe sometimes you should just let me be."
"I never said I didn't love you." Jane interrupted.
"What?" Lisbon stopped in the middle of her tirade.
"I said, I never said I didn't love you. In fact, I remember once saying that of course Bosco loved you, who wouldn't? I included myself in that statement. No one could fail to love you, Teresa." Jane smiled sadly, then said "But I'm damaged goods. I may never heal. Remember that knife in my heart? I'm no good for anyone. I don't wear this ring just for my own protection. No one else needs a broken heart because of what I can't give."
Lisbon sighed. "I know you're damaged. No one makes it past 30 without any sadness or trouble. What I'm saying is that I love you anyway. I love you when you make me mad. I love you when you get me in trouble or make me look foolish. I love you when you frighten me, and yes, sometimes you do! I even love you when you make me cry, which is when I want to hate you. But I can't." She stood up.
"Why not?" Jane said. "Why can't you?"
"Because I also love you when you tease me. I love you when you make me smile. I love you when you say what everyone is thinking but no one else dares. And yes, I love you when you're there for me when I need you, even if I'm pushing you away at the same time."
Jane moved closer and carefully pulled his wedding band off, placing it in his pocket. He finally let himself put his arms around her. "Every day may be like walking through fire, Teresa. If we get closer, if we really let ourselves love each other, it's not going to be easy."
Lisbon relaxed into his embrace. "You think what we've got now is easy? I never asked for easy. So it's going to be hard. We'll deal with it. In fact," and she actually smiled again, "walking through fire would be easier than some of the things you've asked me to do."
Jane grinned. "All right, then say it again. Tell me what you know I want to hear."
Lisbon looked up at him and said, "I love you… Patrick."
Jane looked back in her eyes and said, "I love you, Teresa."
They both leaned forward, but before their lips touched there was a banging on Lisbon's office door. "Boss?" It was Cho. Lisbon and Jane sprang apart guiltily as he stepped in. "Boss, we just had a call come in. We've got a case."
"What is it?" Lisbon asked, slipping back into cop mode. She listened carefully as Cho explained the details of a murder in Bakersfield. But Jane was watching her closely, and the signs were there. She was still feeling the same as she had been a moment ago, and when she looked at him her eyes shone with affection.
"Let's go, Jane. We've got a case," she said, gathering her things.
Jane waited for Cho to leave, and then he whispered, "What about this evening? After the case, is what I'm delicately hinting at… Teresa."
Lisbon smiled at him again. "What did you have in mind?"
"Well, a couple of 3 piece suits crumpled on the bedroom carpet sounds pretty good – ow!" Jane said as she swatted him.
"Why don't we start with dinner, Patrick?" she said as they walked out.
The door clicked shut as Lisbon and Jane (or was it Teresa and Patrick?) went off to investigate their latest case.
The End
A/N: I originally planned this to be funny, total fluff, but my personal life experience took over. I lost someone I loved to murder, a very close friend of mine. Some of my feelings are echoed in this story. But I really believe in the power of love to heal, however corny it sounds. The love of friends and family was the only thing that got me through it.