A/N: This is a one-shot that I just wrote and posted on tumblr, but I also wanted to put here because I honestly put a lot into it and would like to share it. It's based on the song "How We Love" by Ingrid Michaelson. Hope you enjoy.
And to those of you who read Fragmented Moments-I will get another update out soon, I greatly appreciate your support and patience.
Come in from the cold
Jane sits curled in her chair by the window in the only position she finds comfortable. It took her hours to figure out how to bend her body so that her bullet wound was nothing but a dull, throbbing ache.
She stares at the snow coming down, grasping a coffee mug in her hand. The only thing that brings Jane any real comfort or remote sense of happiness lately is coffee in her favorite mug, the one Maura gave her last Christmas. Having a cup of something hot soothes her stiff hands that always hurt when it's cold.
And the mug reminds her of Maura's eyes—that strange mixture of green and brown. She misses seeing those eyes.
It has been two months since the shooting. Jane locked herself in her apartment as soon as she was released from the hospital, refusing to see anyone, even Maura.
She can't stand the press, being declared a hero by them. And Frankie looking at her like she is one. She especially can't handle the outpour of emotions from her family and friends. Her mother's flashes between anger and relief and gratitude, Frost's silence and his concerned glares, Korsack's attempts at lame jokes. And Maura. Maura is just too…too much.
Some barrier snapped between the two of them when Jane shot herself. Something happened between the time Jane fell on the sidewalk in front of her friend and the time she woke up in the hospital bed with Maura by her side.
There's a palpable shift and it leaves Jane aching every time she sees Maura. This fluttering in her chest….this aching in her heart she so fears and that can't be satisfied no matter what Jane does.
Therefore, Maura hasn't been around in a long while on Jane's insistence.
Jane shakes her head and stares at the snow, trying to focus on the white flakes falling to the ground. It's easier to let the silence surround her, to let it numb her instead of feeling this regret over Maura, missing her.
For awhile, Jane thinks the snowflakes might be working, melting it all away.
And then she sees her.
Maura appears through the white blankets of snow, walking across the street towards Jane's apartment.
Jane jumps involuntarily with a rush of adrenaline and immediately she feels pain spasm through her stomach, her back. Her hands ache so badly that she drops the coffee cup.
It shatters.
A knock at the door, followed by Maura's voice, kind, but firm.
"Jane. Jane open the door please."
Jane sits there frozen in the chair, trying not to cry out at the pain radiating through her body.
"Open the door now or I'm using my key."
"Come in. Please," Jane is able to grunt out.
At this, the door opens quickly and Maura stumbles in, looking a little harried, her hair covered in white flakes, her eyes wide and searching.
She sees everything. In five seconds flat she sees it all. This is why Jane has refused let her come by lately.
"You're in pain," Maura says, rushing over to kneel beside Jane, completely ignoring the broken mug pieces at Jane's feet. She lifts up Jane's shirt before Jane can protest.
Jane flinches at first, but at Maura's touch she melts a little, her stiff body relaxing some.
Jane closes her eyes trying to work up the energy to push Maura off, to tell her no. It will hurt less later if she does.
"Why are you here?" she grunts out, then pushes at Maura's arms.
Maura stops touching Jane's stomach and goes for Jane's hands instead, kneading and working them.
This is okay. Maura has always been allowed to touch her hands.
"Jane, there's a blizzard coming. This is just the start of it. You probably don't have food or anything. I was worried you'd be stuck in here for awhile with no access to resources."
"Delivery," Jane mutters even though her heart twinges at Maura being worried about her. Now she sees the brown bags by the door Maura must've brought in.
"No one's going to deliver in this weather," Maura says, and Jane can hear her slipping into her Dr. Isles tone, the gentleness and concern falling away.
Because Jane is being so cold towards her. Maura's hurt. Of course. Jane's such an asshole.
"It's good to see you," she whispers, and Maura finally meets Jane's eyes.
They remind Jane of warmth, of fire.
"I've missed you, Jane," Maura says, her voice full and low with emotion.
"I miss you too, Maur."
What is she doing. She needs to stop. Her heart's beating too fast. That ache in her chest is going to grow once Maura leaves. It's only going to hurt more later on.
But oh, Maura radiates warmth and when she leans into Jane more she smells of cinnamon. Jane's hands haven't felt this good in weeks and it is such a relief. Maura works a magic that's indescribable.
Jane watches Maura smile as she tells her she misses her. Her grin lights up everything, starts a spark in Jane's chest.
If Jane wasn't sure before, she is now: she has feelings for Maura that she can't have for her best friend.
She just can't.
"Maura, I—" this realization has hit her so hard, she's not sure she can find the words.
Maura is looking at Jane with such hope, that it hurts to tell her to go, but Jane reassures herself it will be less painful later on.
She can't stand the sure heartache that would occur if Maura found out the depth of feelings Jane had for her. And left Jane for good. Abandoned her.
"Please go."
Maura drops Jane's hands as if she's been stung.
"What? I—" Her voice is high, pleading almost.
The mood has shifted immensely in a matter of seconds. Because of Jane. It's always Jane's fault.
"I just….I need to be alone. Thanks for the groceries." Jane works very hard to push the words up past the lump in her throat. There barely make it past Jane's lips and she has to turn her head from Maura's searching eyes, focus on something else.
There is a silence.
And then a quiet "okay" falls from Maura's lips. She is gone before Jane even has a chance to count all the scratches and chips in her coffee table.
Jane turns to the window, stares at the snow and waits for the numbness to embrace her again, for it is the only sort of peace she can get now. It doesn't come.
The room just feels empty. It hits Jane that the room was filled up with love when Maura was here. But now it's all gone with her out the door. And it's absence hurts.
Jane aches like she hasn't in a long time.
She thinks of Maura lying by her side on those nights when Hoyt haunted her, Maura always there to laugh and drink with her when Jane just wanted to forget.
And then there's a flash of memory that catches Jane by surprise: Maura's face is above Jane, etched with worry and fear. Jane feels pain burning in her abdomen, and tries to focus on the soothing sensation of fingers running through her hair. This must be from when Jane shot herself, outside the precinct.
Maura's pleading with Jane to stay with her.
Please Jane, please, stay with me. The words echo around inside Jane's head, the ache and the need they hold flow through her.
Before she can even think, Jane's moving as fast as she can for the door, throwing her body across the room in a whirl of pain. The door falls open and she runs into the hall, staggering and slamming her shoulder against the wall of the hallway. Maura is almost to the stairs but she hears the commotion and turns.
Now Maura is running, running towards Jane. The pain is lessening.
The pain is hardly noticeable by the time Jane is lying in bed, Maura's legs tangled with hers, Maura's magical fingers rubbing soothing circles into her stomach muscles and lower back, Maura's lips planting kisses on Jane's forehead and taking all the pain away.
"Maura?"
"Shhh," Maura soothes, placing a kiss by Jane's eye, and at this Jane closes her eyes, sighing in such relief.
Jane doesn't have to say I'm sorry. Maura knows by the way Jane curls up with Maura. By the way she plays gently with Maura's honey curls, twisting them around her long fingers.
Jane doesn't have to say I love you. Maura knows because Jane lets Maura touch her aching wound that she's previously guarded ferociously from all human hands. Because Jane shows Maura her scars. Because she finally relaxes enough to fall into the first deep sleep she's had in months, right in Maura's arms.
As always your reviews are much appreciated x