A/N This is an itch that had to be scratched. I own nothing but the itch. Really should go to the doctors...

Outsourcing to India

Chapter One

Penny hummed along with the radio as she worked on her order of Penny Blossoms. One of the girls at the Cheesecake Factory had ordered fifteen of the colourful barrettes for her daughters' gymnastic squad. They wanted them in a combined mix of purple, white and silver to match their uniforms, and Penny was happy to oblige.

As usual, Penny's finances were in a somewhat precarious position and any additional funds that she could muster were gratefully received by her threadbare bank account. So, as it was Saturday and she had the day off, for once she had risen early. Clearing the coffee table and surrounding areas of superfluous ephemera, she laid out her glue gun, sequins and other accessories and set to work. By eleven o'clock she had completed twelve of the Penny Blossoms and was happy in the knowledge that by midday she would have them all finished when, suddenly, there was a…

Knock, knock, knock.

Penny!

Knock, knock, knock.

Penny!

Knock, knock, knock.

Penny!

"Crap! So near and yet so far," she murmured to herself as she put down the glue gun. Best get it over with, she thought. The sooner she said hi and goodbye, the quicker she could get on with her work and complete her order. Trudging to the door, she wrenched it open.

"Hi Sheldon, what do you want?" she said with a scowl, in way of greeting for her gangly neighbour.

"Well, hi yourself neighbour and good morning to you," Sheldon replied with a simpering smile, one arm covering his throat while the other was outstretched toward her, holding a freshly baked banana bread.

Recognising the cake as some kind of peace offering or bribe, she wondered what favour he wanted to extract from her. Her scowl deepened.

"I'm busy," she said abruptly, sweeping her arm behind her to indicate the completed Penny Blossoms on her coffee table.

"I can see you are," Sheldon replied, adding quickly, "But, I wonder if you would spare a few moments of your valuable time. I need some advice Penny, relationship advice."

"Well, I didn't think it would be about string theory," she murmured wryly, raising her eyebrows. Although she spoke quietly, Sheldon's Vulcan hearing picked up on her reply and it elicited a polite, breathy laugh from him in response.

She studied him more closely. He was unsettled, moving his weight from one leg to the other and there were fine subtle spasms tweaking at his eyes. All were indications that Sheldon was nervous or upset about something – or needed to void his bladder – it was difficult to tell.

"Come in Sheldon," she said resignedly, taking the banana bread from him and indicating for him to sit down on the left-hand side of her couch. The green chair where he usually sat, point '0000' for him in her apartment, was currently snowed under boxes of the accessories she used to make her Penny Blossoms.

"It's nearly lunchtime and I guess I could do with a break," she sighed. As she moved further into the apartment and toward the kitchen, she glanced over her shoulder and asked, "Would you care for a cup of tea and a slice of banana bread?"

"Now, that would be real neighbourly of you, Penny" Sheldon replied politely, his Texas twang clearly evident. She looked curiously at the gangly physicist. His Texan accent only tended to show itself when he was stressed or excited. At the moment he was sat back on her little couch in a relaxed manner, perusing the barrettes on her coffee table with interest. He didn't appear to be either stressed or excited.

"You have been industrious this morning Penny," he nodded towards the completed hair accessories, clearly trying to make polite conversation. "So unlike your usual days off when you sleep 'till noon," he added disparagingly under his breath.

Hearing the remark, Penny glared at him indignantly and firmly clamped her lips together to bite back a sharp reply. She wanted to complete this interlude with Sheldon as quickly as possible so she could get back to work. Starting a verbal sparring match with him, however tempting, would only drag out his visit. Besides she wouldn't win; he was right, and she knew it. Turning the radio off, she busied herself preparing the tea and cake slices, placing the mugs and plates on a tray.

"Make a space for me Sheldon," she instructed, sharply. Startled, he hurriedly cleared a place on the coffee table for the tray. Putting the tray down, she sat on the couch with her body turned towards him and handed him a mug of tea and slice of cake. Picking up her own mug of tea she took a sip of the hot brew and looked at him over the rim of her mug.

There was a troubled frown on his face as he munched his way through the slice of moist cake. He looked like a bewildered child and she felt a sudden rush of tenderness for him. How he could do that to her, when only seconds before he had totally pissed her off, she did not know, but so it was since first they met. He constantly made her emotions oscillate between fuzzy warm feelings of affection and blind fury or exasperation

Her eyes softened. Kindly she said, "What's up buttercup?" His lips twitched into a small smile at the familiar phrase.

"Penny, I need you to explain something to me about relationships," he repeated.

"And what would that be Sheldon?" She waited patiently.

"Firstly, I believe I must explain an arrangement that has been formed between myself, Amy and Raj," he looked uncomfortable, his left eye twitched more violently. Penny felt her Sheldon radar go into overdrive. What was that twitch all about?

Taking a small piece of the remaining banana bread, Sheldon popped it into his mouth, chewed it thoroughly and swallowed before he would continue.

"As you may know Penny, Amy has been desirous of introducing a more intimate, physical element into our relationship for quite a while," he shuddered slightly as he said this.

"An element, I might add, that I have found to be both disgusting and unnecessary. However, against my better judgement, I have on occasion allowed her to instigate handholding, cuddling and even osculation – when pushed. This has all been stipulated in the Relationship Agreement. I had to put it in, because Amy refused to sign it otherwise," Sheldon sighed, his frustration with this state of affairs clearly evident.

"For quite some time this seemed to suffice, but in recent months, Amy's demands for physical contact have increased tenfold. And she's wanted more than what was first stipulated in the contract. She wanted me to touch her… lady parts!" A weird mixture of horror and bashfulness crossed Sheldon's face as he said this.

With a tremendous effort, Penny managed to suppress the giggle building up in her throat and kept a straight face. Her acting coach would be proud, she thought, as she schooled her features to remain impassive. She knew any show of amusement would offend Sheldon and put an end to his confidences.

Sheldon gulped a swig of tea and continued, "Five weeks ago we had a disastrous date." He shook his head and shivered as his eidetic memory recalled the details.

"Amy had made pasta with real I-talian sauce using my mothers' recipe, you know the one you told her about?" he continued. Penny nodded.

"It was very palatable and I was looking forward to an evening of intellectual conversation and maybe a Star Trek movie on the TV, when Amy asked if I would like some dessert. I agreed and while I thought she was preparing a tasty treat, I read a fascinating article about nanotechnology in one of her neurobiology journals." Sheldon became silent as he contemplated the information gleaned from the 'fascinating' article he had read.

Her interest sparked, Penny nudged his foot with her own to bring his mind back to the story he was relating. He jumped, glanced guiltily at her and continued with his tale.

"I thought she was in her kitchen area, but while I was reading, she had gone to her bedroom and changed her attire. Suddenly, she bounced into the living room," he paused and swallowed, "she was dressed only in a sheer, baby doll nightdress and panties, with a big pink bow on her head. She leered at me and said – 'Look what's for dessert, Sheldon!' " He rubbed his hand wearily over his eyes as if trying to erase the memory. Penny shook her head and sighed, her BFF had not been very subtle in her approach.

"It was awful Penny, the material of her costume was so sheer I could see everything… her aureolae, her pubic hair, all were on display. In fact there was so much pubic hair, some of it was hanging outside of her panties. You could have stuffed a cushion with…" he tailed off as Penny held up her hand and turned her face away,

"Too much information Sheldon. I get it… it was revealing," she said. He nodded, gulped some more tea and continued.

"I remonstrated with her about her lack of modesty and pointed out to her that this was not in the Relationship Agreement. However, upon my saying this, she became positively furious with me. I had unleashed a virago! An argument of epic proportions ensued! In the end, despite turning on the blender, the Hoover and the microwave, I could still hear her yelling that if I did not become more intimate with her, our relationship would be at an end!" Sheldon shook his head sadly.

Penny sat still, her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. In her minds' eye, she could clearly see the events as Sheldon had related them to her. The hurt that Amy must have felt at his rejection, the fear that must have entered into Sheldon's heart at Amy's threat to sever their ties – the racket from the household appliances!

"I tried Penny, I really tried," he continued in a small voice. Penny looked at him, startled.

"You mean you touched her… lady parts?" she whispered, amazed he'd put himself out there. Her stomach churned slightly at the thought.

Sheldon nodded a look of disgust on his face. "But she was so… w-wet and… b-bristly! It was horrible, like petting a damp hedgehog!"

"She wouldn't let me wear protective gloves. I was overwhelmed with the thought of all the bacteria crawling from her flesh to mine. I had to keep stopping to clean my hands with antibacterial wipes. In the end she lost patience with me and said she wasn't in the mood anymore. I was so relieved!" The relief that he'd experienced when his ordeal was over, showed on his face.

Penny nodded in silent understanding. She had known Sheldon for many years now and he'd always had this thing about germs. For him to even try to satisfy Amy's physical cravings – without gloves –demonstrated how much he valued the relationship they had.

Sheldon sat before her, his hands clutched around the mug of tea, his shoulders slightly slumped, his eyes hooded as he silently contemplated the recent events he had relayed. Penny leaned forward and gently stroked one of her fingers across the knuckle of his hand. He started and withdrew from the contact.

"What happened next and where does Raj come into all of this?" she enquired gently.

"Amy was very upset about the events that occurred that evening, she was questioning the validity of our relationship. I respect her mind and value our times spent in intellectual discussion and would not like that to end. But, that evening demonstrated to the both of us that not only am I unwilling, I am also completely incapable of satisfying her physical desires." Sheldon looked bashfully at Penny as he added, "The whole debacle made me feel completely inadequate as a man."

As he shyly revealed this to her, Penny felt her heart ache for him. From her long acquaintance with Sheldon, she had learned of some of the difficulties that he had experienced during his childhood and adolescence. She suspected that this had a lot to do with his lack of social skills and odd personality traits.

Professionally he had known nothing but success from an early age, however, that success had come at a price. As he grew up his intellect and accomplishments had alienated those around him. He was ostracised and ridiculed by those who were jealous of his achievements and daunted by his character.

Although he knew that any eight year-old could beat the crap out of him when it came to physical pursuits, he set no store by it. He measured the world by intellectual ability and his unassailable intellect constantly exposed the flaws in others, while receiving no checks in return. During those formative years, the people who could bring him back to reality were far away, at home in Texas, and he had yet to meet the blonde Nebraskan firebrand that was Penny.

Over time the more powerful quirks in his personality became dominant. Intellectually, he knew there were few men who were a match for him. With no one to reign in his worst excesses, his ambition and ego went off the scale, his condescending manner became more ingrained and the ludicrous theory of Homo Novus began to evolve in his mind.

Lacking any positive guidance, he was left to his own devices to develop a strategy that could help him deal with the world around him. Searching for a suitable template, he latched onto one of his teenage heroes, Spock. Rational, logical, unemotional, superior, set apart from the crowd – these were the traits Sheldon would endeavour to emulate. He particularly liked unemotional– after all if you have no emotions, your feelings can never be hurt, right?

Now, while this stratagem might be fine for a Vulcan, it didn't do much for a growing boy. It did not teach him how to relate to people, or how to deal with failure. In adulthood, his attempts to metamorphose into the worthy space alien resulted in a man with all the social graces and psycho/emotional depth of a prepubescent boy. The most Sheldon could hope for was to adhere to the rules and schedules that came to dictate his life and, maintain relationships that were strangled and stunted by his obsessive need to control every aspect of his existence. The results of this had led to the disastrous events of his date with Amy and had left him feeling less than adequate as a man.

She was amazed, and she had to confess somewhat flattered, that he had revealed all of this to her rather then to one of his genius friends. The invincible Homo Novus that Sheldon considered himself to be, had finally had to admit that there was something in this universe that he could not excel at and he had admitted it to her – Penny, the community college drop out!

The fact that he trusted her enough to do so, resonated deep within Penny's soul and an unconscious bond of solidarity was forged with him, within her heart. Her compassion was stirred and her subconscious vowed to help him as best she could.

"Do you think that maybe you're not into lady love Sheldon?" Penny asked tentatively. "If Amy had been a guy…?" her words tailed off as she saw him clench his jaw. All of the friends in Sheldon's group had wondered at some time or another what his 'deal' was, even if they had only verbalised it amongst themselves.

Sheldon raised an eyebrow and replied haughtily, "I am not a homosexual Penny, if that's what you're implying. Although my sexuality has often been a subject for discussion and derision amongst my peers, the few times I've experienced any form of sexual attraction or arousal, has been as a result of interaction with the female of the species." His face became impassive and unreadable; he refused to give her eye contact.

Wow, he liked girls and got aroused, who knew? Penny felt slightly stunned at this revelation. "Ok sweetie, just trying to clarify where you're coming from," she explained, slightly apologetic. She could see him becoming defensive and she wanted to placate him, " So, what happened next?"

After shaking his shoulders huffily, Sheldon continued, "Well, after much thought and a few sleepless nights I devised a plan. I met with Raj and Amy to put forward my proposal, in the hope that it would resolve the problems between myself and Amy." For the second time Penny saw Sheldon's' eye twitch.

"And the proposal was?" she pressed.

Swallowing the last of his tea in one mighty gulp, Sheldon put his empty mug back onto the tray. Taking a deep breath he said, "My proposal was that my relationship would continue with Amy on a cerebral level. We would continue to date on that level only and the physical aspects of the date would be outsourced to a third party, namely Raj."

Penny gasped. Sheldon glanced briefly at her shocked features, then quickly away. His jaw clenched and his lips set into a straight line. He looked like a small boy caught doing wrong, a mixture of guilt and defiance. Penny was speechless at his audacity. How could he treat Amy and Raj in such a cavalier fashion?

After a moments silence, she took a deep breath, "Explain it to me again Sheldon, 'cause I'm struggling with this." She spoke calmly, but her hands were clenched into two tight fists.

With a wary eye on her fists, he cleared his throat, "Well, it's very simple. Amy wants coitus and I don't."

"Raj is a decent fellow and he is lonely. He also wants coitus, with anyone it would seem, that's how lonely he is," he looked at Penny for confirmation as he said this. She affirmed his statement with a nod – yes that's how she would describe Raj's situation too.

"Also, Raj is unable to speak to women, so I know he can't offer Amy the intellectual stimulation that I can," Sheldon started ticking off the points he was making on his fingers.

"Amy and I get to enjoy our meeting of the minds. She then completes the date by satisfying her sexual urges with Raj. Because Raj is able to access coitus with Amy, he doesn't feel so alone." Sheldon threw his hands in the air and shrugged his shoulders as he finished, "It's a win, win situation really."

Silence engulfed the room once again. Finally, unclenching her hands, Penny responded, "And they're ok with this?" She was struggling to keep the indignation out of her voice and failing miserably.

"Well, not at first," Sheldon admitted. "There was a heated discussion, followed by a spirited debate, but eventually, they could both see the undoubted logic of the solution I proposed and agreed to a trial period. That started four weeks ago."

Penny felt incensed by Sheldon's cool logic. Needing to somehow dissipate the negative emotions with physical activity, she leapt up off the couch, grabbed the empty mugs and stomped to the kitchen area to make more tea.

Thinking quickly, she realised that to Sheldon his 'plan' was probably an unselfish act. To his mind, what he had proposed was for the benefit of Amy and Raj's sexual frustration and loneliness. It wouldn't occur to him that he had manipulated his two friends into some sort of weird menage au trois, just so he could get his own way and maintain a sexless, loveless status quo with Amy. Never changing, never growing, always the same, always predictable… safe.

She was amazed that the three of them had somehow managed to keep this secret between themselves for so long, especially Sheldon. It was well known amongst his friends how appallingly bad he was at keeping secrets. Try as she might, she couldn't understand why Amy and Raj had agreed to this, although she knew how ruthless Sheldon could be once he was on a quest. She doubted there was much in the way of discussion or debate, as Sheldon had described it. More like he'd bludgeoned them relentlessly with his intellect until they'd caved in to his wishes, she thought viscously.

And why in all that was holy, hadn't either of her friends come to her in their time of need? Then she could have gone all Nebraska on Sheldon's ass and sorted him out! Stomping back to the sofa and resisting the urge to throw it at him, Penny handed Sheldon his fresh mug of tea and flopped into her seat.

"Well, looks like you've got everything sorted!" she said brightly, a hard, brittle edge evident in her voice.

"What sort of explanation about relationships did you want me to give you Sheldon?" She'd brought him back round to his initial enquiry. "I'm afraid I don't have any experience of a three-way."

Hesitantly Sheldon continued, "Yes… well…initially the system we had set up seemed to work quite well – after a few glitches at the beginning." Penny rolled her eyes; she could only imagine what the glitches were. "Both Amy and Raj seemed to improve in spirit as time went on, and I certainly benefited from not having to endure Amy's constant physical demands."

"But…?" she encouraged.

"Well, at first my dates with Amy would last two to three hours and we would have stimulating conversations about various subjects, watch a film, have a meal… that sort of thing. Then we would part company and the next component of the date night would begin for her, with Raj."

"And…?" Penny replied a note of impatience now in her voice.

Sheldon sighed and somewhat reluctantly responded, "Well, as things have advanced, the time Amy and I spend on our date nights has become progressively shorter. On our last date she only spent half an hour in my company, she was extremely sullen the whole time we were together and she appeared keen to get away," he looked anxiously at Penny. "What do you think it means?"

For a few seconds she quietly considered his question, then her eyebrows rose up her forehead in astonishment, before she replied. "Well, I don't like saying this to a virgin Sheldon, but, I think you're screwed!"

Alarm spreading over his face, Sheldon cried out, "What do you mean Penny?"

"What do I mean?" she shook her head in disbelief, "Honest to god Sheldon, you're unbelievable! I think they're having an affair!" He looked staggered.

"What did you think you were doing when you made this arrangement?" she hissed. The sudden venomous note in her voice startling Sheldon.

"Jesus Sheldon, just 'cause you can't tolerate change, doesn't give you the right to treat your friends like that. If you couldn't give Amy what she needed, you should have let her go!" Her exasperation with him was evident now.

"Expecting them to have sex together…did you think they could do that without their emotions becoming involved?" her lip curled in derision as he flinched at her words. "Look who I'm asking – C3PO – the tin man who has no heart! What do you know of emotions?" she nearly spat out this last sentence.

Her words hung in the air as silence reigned in the room. Penny's anger dissipated as she saw Sheldon's stunned expression.

Quieter now, she said, "They're good people Sheldon. They deserved better treatment than this."

His cheeks red with embarrassment, he nodded disconsolately. Feeling guilty about her outburst, she tried to reassure him, "I-I could be wrong honey."

"But what if you're not Penny?" Sheldon whispered his face a shocked mask.

"Guess you'll have to accept it sweetie," she twisted her hands in her lap, she was uncomfortable about being so blunt, but he had to understand the consequences of his actions.

Chastised by her response, his eyes downcast, Sheldon nodded again, rose slowly from the couch and let himself out of her apartment without another word.

-oXo-

Please feel free to review. All constructive criticism gratefully received. First fic and no beta, please don't be brutal!