The Art of Not Being a Ninja
Summary: Naruto doesn't want to be a ninja and the entire world of shinobi falls into disarray. Follow Naruto's adventures as he learns to be everything except a ninja. Poor Masashi Kishimoto, what's he to do with a protagonist who doesn't want to be one?
Warnings: None? No pairings as of now, possibly never... I turn into a ball of trauma when it comes to romance, too many horrible newbie experiences in fanfiction (WHY is force feeding a fetish?! SOBS!). A few borderline ribald jokes, the author's poor attempt at humor and some crazy as hell kunoichis.
Chapter 1: Bowls of Ramen, Duck Butt Hair and Orange Paint
It was a ginormous, blonde rat. Jiraiya narrowed his eyes, trying to focus despite his level of inebriation: not quite black out drunk, but nearly there. He'd just been thrown out of Konoha's one and only bar with women entertainers.
"What are you looking at, ugly?"
Jiraiya jerked back but then stared in curiosity. A large, blonde, talking rat. It had bright blue eyes and was peeping out of the dumpster. It came up a little farther and Jiraiya realized that it was a big, ugly, blonde, talking street rat.
"Hey!" Jiraiya said belatedly, only now recognizing the insult.
"Who're you calling ugly," he floundered, "ugly!"
The boy deadpanned him before clambering out of the dumpster.
"Oh, right, sorry, I meant ugly drunk old pervert, I got confused, anyone would what with that freaky hairdo of yours and all."
He was barefoot, in a too big t-shirt and a scrappy pair of shorts. The blonde took a couple steps toward Jiraiya before cringing back, one hand covering his nose and the other waving at the air in front of his face.
"Yuck! You smell bad old pervert."
"What?! Hey! You little brat! You're the one who just crawled out of the dumpster!"
The boy didn't appear offended, instead setting his hands on his hips and giving Jiraiya an appraising look, eyes going up and down with an air of distaste.
"What's your excuse?" The boy asked, nose crinkled up in disgust.
"FFF!" Jiraiya had steam coming from his nostrils and ears.
"I don't need to take lip from little street rats like you! Do you know who I am!? I am the great and mighty Jiraiya! You should be admiring my greatness!"
The kid pointed an accusing finger at him.
"Who cares!? Doesn't change the fact that this is my alley! So don't act like you're the one putting up with anything!"
Jiraiya narrowed his eyes. The boy folded his arms.
"I was just minding my own business, looting the dumpster when you came out, insulting me and stinking up my perfectly lovely alley with your drunk pervyness. Ah, what is the world coming to," the boy said, feigning a dramatic pose, "when a poor innocent street rat can't loot a dumpster peacefully."
His face hardened and he glared accusingly at Jiraiya again.
"It's people like you who make me sick, just plain sick; disturbing the peace of us decent folk."
Jiraiya was staring in disbelief at the kid, eyes tapered to slits.
"Ehhh," Jiraiya hissed, "ugly little rat and pretentious too."
He glared again, the effect slightly ruined by his inability to focus from how drunk he was. Abruptly, he turned to go, flipping a hand over his shoulder.
"I don't have time for brats like you."
"Wait! Hey! You owe me!" The boy yelled, racing after Jiraiya.
He leaped up, snatching onto Jiraiya's bicep. The man kept walking as if the kid weighed nothing. The boy let out a cry of frustration.
"You better pay me back old pervert!" He yelled, the man still walking.
"You can't just disturb the peace and walk away! You no good, smelly old fart!"
Jiraiya halted and drew his arm up so he was glaring once again at the kid. The boy glared back just as fiercely.
"And you'll make me pay up how?" Jiraiya challenged.
A horribly malicious glint lit up the boy's eyes and Jiraiya felt his stomach turn in fear.
"Don't make me go there, mister, you'll regret it."
Jiraiya held his gaze, judging, the two staring each other down. Finally Jiraiya shrugged, violently shaking his arm so the kid came off. He continued walking.
"You asked for it!" The boy warned.
A moment later Jiraiya found a small brunette girl in front of him, screaming.
"AHHHH! HELP! A PERVERT! A DIRTY OLD MAN!"
Jiraiya narrowed his eyes and bent forward slightly. He rubbed his eyes.
"Hey, brat, what do you think you're doing?"
It was the blonde kid from before, henged though. Jiraiya didn't get long to contemplate it as there was the ominous sound of pounding feet. Jiraiya slowly turned to see a mob of women come storming down the road. They had torches and pitchforks.
"There he is!" A woman screamed, pointing at Jiraiya.
"Get him!" Another screamed. The mob then began to advance with a war cry.
Jiraiya let out a scream and began booking it down the road, leaving a dust trail in his wake.
A half hour later found him on top of a roof, crouched low as the women below began a frighteningly thorough pervert hunt.
"Safe at last," he sighed to himself.
"Eh, pervert, you still owe me."
Jiraiya startled, scrambling away from the crouching blonde.
"Ah! You're like a little flea, once I've caught you I'll never rid myself of you!" Jiraiya moaned, dramatically imagining going through life with a giant flea that had the head of the blonde. The blonde headed flea cackled menacingly in his imagination.
"I'll never be able to be with a pretty girl again!" He wailed.
The boy stood up from his crouch, arms folded once again.
"It'll serve you right, old pervert."
"I'm not a pervert!" Jiraiya tantrumed, "respect your elders!"
"Pay up what you owe, you old dirtbag!" The boy yelled back.
Jiraiya kept crying for a few moments before he stopped and regarded the boy lugubriously.
"Fine, if it'll rid me of you."
The boy gained a smug look.
"To the ramen stand, dirty old man!" He cried, lightly jumping from the roof.
Jiraiya followed, "Stop calling me that!" He whined.
It was late and Teuchi was about to close up the shop when the cloth fwipped to the side and a dirty little boy came up, followed by a towering white haired man.
"Naruto!" Teuchi cried with a smile.
"Heya old man! I'm getting treated so as many as you can cook up!"
Teuchi smiled broadly, giving a small nod. Naruto turned to Jiraiya after hopping up on the stool.
"Don't even think of backing out, I know what you look like, and I can do a lot more than stir up the occasional mob."
Jiraiya dropped his head in depression as the boy cackled evilly. Teuchi was back, setting a bowl in front of Naruto. The boy started into it with the speed of an Olympic runner.
"Jeez kid, slow down, that's disgusting."
Naruto barely took time to throw him an evil smile and reply, "I plan on setting a record tonight, pervert."
Jiraiya was unfazed until Teuchi turned a sign around that was hanging at the back. Jiraiya went bug eyed, a little ghost rising up, the record number was twenty seven. Ah, his poor wallet. Teuchi just grinned widely. Mulishly Jiraiya ordered his own bowl and began to eat. Minutes passed and Naruto started on his fourth bowl. Jiraiya side glanced at him.
"Say, brat, where'd you learn to henge anyway?"
Naruto raised a brow in confusion, slurping noodles.
"That thing where you changed into a brunette girl," Jiraiya elaborated.
Naruto's eyes lit up with understanding.
"Oh! You mean the shapey-changey thing!"
Jiraiya's face flattened in disbelief. 'Shapey-changey?' he repeated in his head incredulously.
"I saw the animal people doing it, they looked cool so I tried it and it worked."
Jiraiya let the sentence sort out in his head. The kid must mean the ANBU, the animal masks were the only thing he could use to explain that sentence, at least logically that was. Images of weird witch animals dancing around a fire came to mind and he quickly waved it away.
"Really useful too," Naruto said around a mouthful of ramen.
Jiraiya nodded. His impromptu run had cleared his head and all the little dots were connecting in his head.
"You must want to be a ninja?"
The boy stopped eating and turned to look at him like he was crazy.
"Ninja?! You must be daft old pervert! Shinobi are disrespected tools used and thrown away as soon as they become useless. Only fools wish to be ninja, that or those who can actually gain power enough to beat the system."
Jiraiya blinked, totally taken aback. That hadn't been the answer he'd been anticipating.
"But the skill you used is a ninja skill."
"Haven't you read Aristotle? Association fallacy? Just because I share a trait doesn't mean that makes me one. You must be a baka on top of being a dirty, old, smelly, ugly, pervert."
With each word Jiraiya was pierced with an arrow, left twitching from the verbal diatribe.
"Ah," Jiraiya gasped, "the youth of today, so disrespectful."
Teuchi set the ninth bowl down. Naruto set into it like it was his first. Jiraiya despaired for his wallet.
"What else do you know, kid?"
Naruto narrowed his eyes suspiciously and stopped eating, noodles hanging from his mouth. He quickly slurped them up, glare of suspicion becoming more pronounced.
"Hey, what's with saying 'kid' all of sudden? Asking about what I know? I may not be a ninja but even I'm not going to give you my information," the boy paused and something seemed to click in his head, he scooted to the far end of his chair away from Jiraiya.
"Eh, what kind of pervert are you anyway?"
He looked Jiraiya up and down dubiously, scooting till he was at the edge of his chair.
"I'm not a pervert kid! I'm an artist who chooses the adult, female figure as his muse," he sniffed, affronted, "I wouldn't expect a brat like you to appreciate the sophisticated art form I practice."
The boy seemed to accept his words and shrugged, his twelfth bowl on its way down.
"Regular pervert then, dirty, old, ugly, smelly, regular pervert."
Jiraiya was about to answer with a yell when the cloth to the ramen stand fwipped open, a moment passed.
"Naruto!?"
The blonde's head snapped up and he froze, eyes wide. Jiraiya blinked and then the kid was gone, empty ramen bowl rattling on the counter and the cloth gently fluttering back down. The man with a senbon in his mouth let out a nasty cuss word and turned on his heel. Jiraiya chuckled until Teuchi set the bill in front of him. There was a choked scream and the small spooky sound as Jiraiya gave up the ghost.
Genma Shiranui stood in front of the Hokage, half of him covered in paint and part of it in his hair, partially dry and making his hair stand on end in orange spikes. His senbon was bent and he did not look amused. An equally unamused Naruto was standing next to him, his bicep firmly in the grasp of the jonin.
"Hokage-sama," Genma managed to grit out.
Hiruzen, to his credit, hadn't started laughing, though a grin was being concealed by a well placed hand.
"Thank you Shiranui-san, you are dismissed."
The man released his hold on Naruto and began to limp out of the room, Hiruzen watched and couldn't help himself.
"It might do to shower though, Shiranui-san, you seem to have a little something in your hair."
Naruto sniggered.
"Of course, Hokage-sama," Genma said, "it hadn't occurred to me, thank you for your wisdom."
Naruto sniggered again and Hiruzen excused the passive aggressive insubordination, anyone who could apprehend Naruto deserved leeway, possibly even a medal. The door shut and the two were left alone. Hiruzen turned his gaze to the eight year old, barefoot menace.
Hiruzen let out a weary sigh, eyeing the nervous child.
"You could've graduated at the academy this year, become a ninja and put to use your skills. You have so much potential, yet you waste it."
Naruto was glaring at the ground, a grubby toe digging at nonexistent dirt.
"I've been researching fuinjutsu, eight prong seals, large chakra entities."
Hiruzen felt those piercing blue eyes on him, not accusing, just probing and a sense of betrayal shining in them which struck at Hiruzen's heart.
"How long have you known?" Hiruzen asked.
Naruto shrugged, "people have always left some 'subtle' hints."
Hiruzen winced at the tinge of bitter sarcasm in the statement and the fact that the words were founded in an unpleasant amount of truth.
"But two months ago, I got into some records Sakurai-san the librarian may have told me I was supposed to stay away from because they may have sort of been completely forbidden."
Naruto looked duly guilty; invoking the wrath of the librarian was no small thing.
"I should've expected that. Why have you refused to live in your apartment?"
Naruto shook his head, "I don't like it, the streets and trees don't have walls and I can go where I want. Besides, Mrs. Fusobi doesn't like me and I don't like Mrs. Fusobi, so win-win, right?"
It was a rather weak argument and both of them knew it. Abuse against Naruto was monitored closely, but things always slipped through, people were capable of the most covert things when pressed by circumstance. Hiruzen couldn't blame the child for preferring to roam the streets. It was unacceptable though.
Naruto managed to display extraordinary talent, capable of performing jutsus just upon observing them and the child was so artful in subterfuge and evasion that he could even lead the ANBU on wild goose chases. He also could set pranks which even the most elite jounin fell victim to. Yet the child was adamant about avoiding the shinobi life.
What was Hiruzen to do about a bright, rambunctious child who needed not only challenges equal to his skill but someone other than Hiruzen himself to act as both an authoritative and loving figure? The boy's obstinate ill-opinion of shinobi merely made the issue worse, he couldn't assign him a teacher like Ebisu, who would expect the boy to motivate himself, and expect the two to mix well, he needed someone who would want good things for Naruto more than Naruto did himself, in short, Naruto needed a parent.
Hiruzen sighed, signalling for an ANBU who appeared, dog mask in place. Unfortunately needs were not met in a village such as Konoha and Hiruzen was just going to have to make due.
Naruto sniffed the air and then scratched his butt from where he was crouched on the corner of a roof. It was nice and sunny and he was relishing in it from his perch. He was bored, and a bored Naruto was an evil Naruto.
Skipping along the roofs he made his way through the village, idly searching for something to satiate his boredom. He would go to the library and read up on jutsus and the such, but the librarian was still furious about his encroachment into areas forbidden to him, not furious about the trespass but furious that he'd been caught. He'd give it a few weeks and go back.
He stopped as the now empty Uchiha compound caught his attention. He went down once more in a lazy crouch. He'd heard about that whole thing last year. His first thought had been that the whole of the Uchiha clan had decided that they were finally going to get the metaphorical sticks up their asses removed, a mass exodus to search for a doctor to relieve their aching butts. Then he had heard about the Uchiha guy who had just randomly decided to kill the rest of his clan. Ha, as if, Naruto had caught the smell of satisfaction and relief on some ninja and also in the council. What a perfect and somehow entirely coincidental surprise for the council, they suddenly were saved the trouble of dealing with whatever problem the Uchiha posed. Perfect plan guys, because mass genocide always goes over so well. Anyway, it wasn't Naruto's problem.
He eyed the compound curiously. The place had to be full of interesting things, that and he was still trying to test the theory of ghosts. He leaned toward the thought that ghosts were a bunch of bullcrap, but you know, assume anything is possible until proven otherwise. Mind made up, he jumped down into the compound.
After going through a few houses, Naruto found himself relatively disappointed. No creepy bloodstains, no ghostly wails, not even the show of tumbled furniture or items left in their place to create a picture of time. Everything was empty, furniture covered with sheets and tagged and only a thick layer of dust covering everything. It seemed most everything had been requisitioned and shipped off or gotten rid of.
Letting out a sigh, Naruto decided to check out a few more houses and then leave, the whole process had turned out to be horribly underwhelming. Either ghosts were too lazy to do any decent haunting or they didn't exist. Maybe there was some posh Uchiha after life party where they went around congratulating each other on the size of the stick up their ass.
Naruto poked his head into the next house. He frowned, there was a kid sitting at a table, eating rice. Huh, weird thing for a ghost to be doing. Naruto stepped forward, bare feet silent against the floor.
"Why aren't you wailing?"
The boy's head snapped up and Naruto got a view of his duck butt hairdo. Poor ghost, to have died with that hairstyle, unable to change it. His parents must have hated him.
The kid's mouth dropped open and he gaped at Naruto. Naruto narrowed his eyes, once again being overwhelmingly disappointed. Ghosts sucked, or at least this one did. It wasn't living up to any of his expectations.
"You know, for a ghost, you're not that scary. Like not scary at all," Naruto said, hands on his hips.
The boy's mouth finally snapped closed and he then glared at Naruto.
"I mean you're pale and all, like really pale, so check one on the list of possible ghost attributes. Ghosts definitely have an unhealthy pallor. Can you scream? I want to test whether or not you guys have an unearthly wail," Naruto put a finger to his mouth, brow scrunching in thought.
"So I guess don't scream actually, try to give me a good wail."
"Who are you!?" The black haired kid screeched.
Naruto held his finger up, "Ah, so you guys do screech appropriately."
Naruto whipped out a little notebook and pencil and began taking notes.
"Do you have any hitodama hanging around?" Naruto looked up, pencil poised over the paper.
The black haired boy's eye twitched from where he was frozen in incredulous rage.
"I'm not a ghost you baka!" The boy screeched.
"Hmmm, interesting," Naruto said, nodding his head with intrigue, "classic denial of existence noted, this is turning out to be a very interesting session."
He scribbled a few more things in his notebook.
"So, I have to ask, what kind of ghost are you, an Onryo? A Zashiki-warashi? I lean towards Goryo for you, but it's best not to assume things. But you do seem the pansy aristocratic type."
A cup of tea came flying at him and Naruto ducked.
"Hmmm, you must be a malicious ghost, I'll need to pick up some ofuda."
Naruto tucked his notebook away and then jumped onto the table, squatting so he was up close to the boy and made to wave a hand through his head. He was surprised when his palm slapped into the ghost's cheek.
"Ah," Naruto said, hand still on the boy's cheek while a vein throbbed in the boy's head.
"I think I've made a mistake," Naruto said, grinning sheepishly and letting out a nervous chuckle.
The boy screamed, throwing his bowl of rice at Naruto. Naruto jumped away, eyes wide and hands held up in an attempt to placate the boy.
"This is all," Naruto ducked as a spoon came whizzing at him, "just a big," he let out a small scream as a table knife nearly impaled him, "misunderstanding!" Naruto yelled, jumping out of the way as the boy came at him with a flying kick.
Naruto was now crouching on the table while the boy was breathing heavily, murderous rage oozing from him.
"Come on friend, can't we come to some sort of understanding?" Naruto asked, a big nervous grin on his face.
"We are not friends!" The boy yelled.
What next ensued was a chase through the Uchiha compound, the black haired boy trying in vain to catch Naruto. Ten minutes later the boy was gasping for air while Naruto appeared tireless (so much practice from running from ANBU and others).
"So, what's your name, ghost boy?" Naruto said teasingly.
The boy glared up at him, still breathing hard.
"Uchiha Sasuke," he bit out. "Who are you!?"
"Uzumaki Naruto! Age eight, blood type A positive, plant enthusiast, current paranormal investigator, and hopeful future Master Chef!"
"You're my age," Sasuke said, eyeing Naruto with suspicious interest now that he wasn't so enraged.
"Why aren't you at the academy?" Sasuke asked.
"I could ask why you are in the academy, a place of nonsense if you ask me," Naruto said, flapping a hand, eyes crinkled shut.
"You don't want to be a ninja? They're the strongest people, they can fight anyone and defeat them."
Naruto raised a brow, lazily opening an eye to look at Sasuke, arms folded.
"Who said you had to be a ninja to be strong?"
Confusion overwhelmed the face of one Sasuke Uchiha. The next word he said was of vital importance and could be said to have changed the fate of the shinobi world, then again, in some people's opinion the choice made when picking ramen drastically affected the fate of the shinobi world.
"Explain."
Naruto grinned.
Hiruzen was apathetically perusing some paperwork filed on a lawsuit between two civilians. It was about property rights and chickens, filled with petty and horribly pointless argument. A knock came at his door. He raised his eyes, pipe clenched between his teeth.
The door opened and Iruka Umino stepped in looking haggard and frustrated.
"Hokage-sama, I needed to speak with you about something."
Hiruzen inclined his head and set the papers to the side, glad to get away from them.
"It's about Naruto."
Ah, that would explain the frustration and haggardness.
"Somehow, I don't know how, but the boy has convinced Sasuke Uchiha to quit the academy, and in his leaving nearly every single prospective kunoichi has followed."
Hiruzen blinked, oh kami no.
"Not only that, but his 'ideology'" Iruka did air quotes, "has spread and all of the less scrupulous students have stopped going as well, Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi, Kiba Inuzuka," Iruka continued.
Hiruzen lifted a hand and covered his eyes.
"You know how many clan heads I had coming into my office, enraged and dropping either subtle or not so subtle threats! Tsume Inuzuka threatened to castrate me!" Iruka's voice pitched higher at the end of it, true fear entering his face. Tsume was a crazy woman, and he didn't doubt that she would follow through with the threat. He liked his dick where it was, thank you very much.
Naruto was messing with the pot, eyeing it suspiciously.
"Say, how do you make that rice anyway?"
Sasuke raised a brow, arching it to the glowering judgement of a patrician.
"It's called cooking," the eight year old Uchiha heir said flatly.
Naruto still looked highly suspicious and edged away from the pot. Anything that didn't come out of a ninja rations pack or from an Ichiraku bowl was held to some scrutiny.
"Sit down," Sasuke ordered.
Naruto sat down and reached out to start digging into the bowl of rice Sasuke had just set on the table. He yanked his hand back as Sasuke slapped it with his metal saibashi.
"Wait."
Naruto pouted, holding his injured hand close, those long chopsticks hurt. Ever since he had met Sasuke last week, they had progressed to some strange working relationship. Both were indelibly lonely and both absolutely refused to acknowledge the fact that they were both so lonely. They insulted each other and found out through the process that they somehow enjoyed the company.
Sasuke went back to the kitchen and continued in his preparation, loading stir fry vegetables and meat onto a serving plate before carrying it back over to the table. Due to Itachi's success and status as oldest, Fugaku had been much more lenient about where and with whom Sasuke spent his time, as such Sasuke had spent a lot of his time with his mother in the kitchen. Cooking now was a way to feel close once again to those he'd lost.
Naruto let out a loud 'Itadakimasu' and set into the food at an amazing pace, stringing out loud compliments.
"This is the best ever! I didn't know vegetables could even taste good!"
Sasuke flushed with pleasure. Cooking for one, even with memories of his mother, couldn't compare to cooking for someone else and seeing how much they loved and appreciated it.
"Don't talk with your mouth open, dobe."
Naruto didn't heed the advice and continued shoveling in food while talking rapidly.
Kakashi stared in interest at the strange domestic scene playing out before him. The Uchiha and the Jinchuuriki were a strange mix no doubt, but considering their lives, it wasn't too crazy.
He turned his eyes back to his book, attention set between the boys and the words on the page. Ever since the Hokage had received Iruka Umino into his office, a slew of complaints flooded his office along with an unpleasant group of mothers and fathers. Kakashi had been called into the Hokage's office and given the task of monitoring Naruto 24/7. Kakashi didn't mind, he liked the kid, liked him outside of his already established fondness which came from Naruto's lineage. The boy was funny, and a useful ally for when Kakashi wanted any certain ninja to pay. He could remember how their awkward little relationship had started and grown.
He remembered it quite well because It had been the first time he'd been handed an assignment in-village in a while. Kakashi had eyed it blankly, the sixteen year old ignoring the weary and concerned look the Hokage surreptitiously sent his way. Once again the Hokage had tried to speak to him about his social skills, tried to encourage him to make bonds. It seemed he was done talking and was taking a more involved role.
So Kakashi had dutifully left the office to fulfill his mission.
Kakashi had been surprised to be faced with the distrustful gaze of a two year old. Emotions squeezed at his throat viciously and he had the urge to leave and find a nice corner to read and manfully keep company with his ninken (i.e. cuddle, not that he'd ever admit to that).
Then he'd awkwardly patted the kid's head, you were supposed to do that with puppies, right? The boy had smiled shyly and Kakashi had then picked him up, carrying him back to his apartment. He'd set the kid in bed and then perched on the window sill because he had no idea what to say or really do. As cool as Kakashi came off he was really just an awkward guy, confused and disturbed by people, he was far from cool.
From then on they had established a rather unique relationship, Kakashi patting his head awkwardly as he picked him up from bruises or alleyways to help him to bed, leaving presents on his birthday. They didn't speak much, but the boy seemed to be much more aware of social nuances then Kakashi was and graciously, albeit wordlessly, excused the Copy-nin's ignorance. Kakashi was alright with that.
Kakashi sighed, appreciating the memories. Now though, he was going to have to fulfill another mission involving Naruto. The Hokage had asked him to convince Naruto to start the academy. Haha… easier said than done, the boy despised the ninja way. Naruto had peeked into more than one history book and made that choice, in fact, the story of Hatake Sakumo-Kakashi's own father-, one in the official and unsealed records at the library, was one which had helped convince Naruto of his position.
But, Kakashi wasn't an ANBU operative for nothing. He could talk to Naruto tomorrow, his eyes went to the passage, he had a hundred pages left and it was at the height of a romantic encounter between Josei-san and Otoko-san. He blushed as he read Josei's sultry reply to a certain physical move Otoko had just done. Kakashi flushed, giggling. Eh, Naruto could wait.
Hiruzen was ready to beat every single clan head to death with his pipe. My little boy this, my little girl that, how could the evil Jinchuuriki do that, he made my poor little girl want to be an engineer!? Oh the horror, because an engineer was so dishonorable. Inoichi Yamanaka had been particularly annoying. Shikaku had been the only one not to come and whine about his child's sudden life decision. He'd set the task of damage control to Kakashi and was now greatly fearing his choice, the man wasn't right in the head and might just make Naruto worse. Probably six years too late for that one though.
A knock came at his door and Hiruzen sent the door a deadly glare. He managed to calm his face by the time the door swung open.
"Jiraiya?"
He was totally surprised by this impromptu visitor.
"Hey sensei!" Jiraiya waved his hand in a salute and walked toward him with a grin on his face.
"How can I help you?" Hiruzen asked, mood adjusting to a more welcome visitor.
"Actually, I was wondering about Naruto," Jiraiya said, face growing serious.
There went his good mood. Hiruzen loved the little blonde but some days he was sure he would be put in an early grave from all the problems the child started. Jiraiya read his face correctly and let out a small chuckle.
"So he's always like that?" Jiraiya said, shaking his head.
Hiruzen let out a sigh and gave a weary nod.
"Please tell me he didn't do anything else."
Jiraiya laughed again and shook his head, moving so he was sitting in a chair.
"Nothing quite like that, I was just wondering, is he in the academy?"
Hiruzen shook his head, slightly surprised by the course of the conversation but quickly seeing where it was going.
"Oh, why not?" Jiraiya asked, genuinely curious.
"I'm afraid Naruto has adamantly refused to attend due to his opinion of ninjas."
Jiraiya gave a nod and let out a hum of thought.
"Why don't I try to train him?" Jiraiya asked lightly.
Hiruzen looked in shock at his student. That was a big thing to offer. He paused a moment in thought.
"Well," Hiruzen said, taking the pipe from his mouth, "if you can get him to go with you."
So, as you can tell, borderline crack, but not quite.