This is not meant to offend anyone. This is pure humour and stupidity. If you don't like it, I don't care. Go read something you'd prefer and leave those who want to read a fun parody once and a while to read this.
Also, I don't hate Ilia and I don't bash her senselessly in real life, it's just for the fun of this story.
I don't own Zelda.
It was a beautiful day in the fair village of Ordon...Link was so amidst his adventure that sometimes he came home to take a break. They'd already defeated Zant, and just had to go to the castle.
And make sweet passionate love with Midna. He didn't want to hurt her, since she was an imp, but Midna insisted and to prove it, dominated him. Not that he was complaining!
Link: Ohhh Midna, that feels sooo good!
Midna: Yeeah, you like that don't ya?
Link: Oh I love you, let's get married!
Midna: Okay! :D
Ilia: OMG!!! LINK!! YOU...YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!!!
Link: Aren't you supposed to be in Kakariko?
Ilia: Uh....no?
Midna: Go away! We're busy!
Ilia: No!
Link takes a muffin and throws it outside.
Ilia: MUFFIN!!!
She runs outside and Midna closes the door with her hand hair, then barricades it to prevent further interruption.
Midna: Now where were we?
Link: Back to business! :D
Meanwhile, outside...
Ilia: DADDY!!!
Mayor Bo: Happies! You're home! Where are the other children?
Ilia: Um....
Meanwhile, in Kakariko...
Renado: It seems that Ilia has run off.
Colin: YAAAYY!!!
Beth: HAPPIES!
Talo: GOOD! I was sick of her stupid amnesia!
Renado: It was cured.
Talo: Oh.
Malo: Hey. All of you. Buy something.
Talo: NEVAH!!!
Telma appears out of nowhere.
Telma: Renado! :D
Renado: O.O Telma?
Telma: I love you! Let's get married!
Renado: Okay.
Kids: Can we come to the wedding?! :D
Telma: NO!
Kids: Awww...
Telma: I'm joking! Of course you can, sweet kiddies!
Kids: YAAAAAYY!!! CAKE!!
Meanwhile, back in Ordon...
Link: Hey! Where are my clothes?
Midna: It's away.
Link: Well where?
Midna: Away! You know, it's a mythical place like Narnia!
John Pinnette: Stop stealing my jokes!
PT (That's me): Sorry, I couldn't resist!
Midna: o_O
Link: O.O
Midna: Soo...more sex?
Link: YEAH! :D
Later on, after more R-rated stuff, Link and Midna set out to ride to Hyrule Castle because for some reason, they don't feel like warping. So they're on Epona riding joyfully, lalalala...
At the Great Hylia Bridge, they see King Bulbin.
Link: You again!
King Bulbin: Me again! Now let's get into a jousting match so that I can fall off the bridge and into the lake!
Link: Didn't we already do that in the second and third arc of the game?
King Bulbin: So? Come at me!
Link: Okay!
(Insert the King Bulbin battle music here)
They come at each other, Link draws his sword and King Bulbin has a lance that came out of nowhere. Along the way, they talk mindless chatter.
Link: So what's with the name of your pig, Lord Bulbo?
King Bulbin: My wife Queen Bulbin named it! :D
Link: o_O You're married?
King Bulbin: I have kids too!
Link: O.O ....Um, isn't the only thing you've ever known was to follow the strongest side?
King Bulbin: I'm not supposed to tell you that until our battle in Hyrule Castle!
Link: Oh.
They continue jousting until Link knocks King Bulbin off and he falls into Lake Hylia.
King Bulbin: JERONIMOOOOOO!!!
Jeronimo: MEEEEEEEEE!!!
Link: o_O
Midna: C'mon Link! We have to go!
Link: Okay!
Ilia: LINKY-WINKY-BINKY!!!
Link: WTF?!
Midna: Since when does she talk like THAT?! (Twitches)
Ilia: LINKY! Why did you leave?!?1 D:
Link: Because I have to go kill Ganon and save Zelda?
Ilia: Whyyyyyyyyyyy!!?!
Link: To save Hyrule?
Ilia: Why? :3
Link: Because I'm the Hero Chosen by the Gods!
Ilia: Why? :3
Tobi from Naruto appears out of nowhere.
Tobi: Hey! That's Tobi's line!!! D:
Link: Wrong series, Tobi!
Tobi: Oops! Sowwy!
Tobi goes back to the Naruto universe, and Link rides on with Ilia chasing.
Ilia: HEY! BRING BACK EPONA!!!
Link: NEVAH!!!
Ilia: THEN DIE!!!
Ilia tries to kill Link but Midna pushes her into the Lake.
Ilia: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Fyer: o_O
Falbi: Oooh!! It's a girl!! :D
Fyer: Aren't you supposed to be up there?
Falbi: What's that? Oh! Yes, of course! :D
Fyer: DX I'm too old for this...
Ilia: WAAAAHHH!!! LIIINNKKKYYY!!!!
She swims to shore and cries.
Ilia: I must get Linky back!
Plumm: Hey!
Ilia: OMG! A talking bird!
Plumm: What's so strange about that?
Ilia: I dunno.
Plumm: Well I gotta go, I have a date with Trill. Bye!
Ilia: NOOO!! WAIT BIRDY!! D:
--
Meanwhile, Link makes it to the castle.
Zelda: Hi!
Link: Shouldn't you be in the tower?
Zelda: No, I escaped! :D
Midna: Finally, a SMART Princess! So let's-HEY! Aren't I supposed to have your spirit and soul?!
Zelda: Uuumm....
Link: IT'S GANON IN HER BODY! KILL HIM!!!
They kill Ganon and force him out of her body.
Ganondorf: Hey! Not fair!
Link: WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?! I KILLED YOU IN OCARINA OF TIME!!!!
Ganondorf: I'm immortal, you idiot!
Link: How?!
Ganondorf: I've recently joined Jashinism! :D
Link: WTF?!
Midna: WRONG series, Ganondork!
Ganondorf: Silence, non-believers! Jashin will not hear it! Now die!
Link chops his head off.
Ganon's head: Hahahaha! See?! I'm immortal!
Link and Midna bury his body and throw the head in Lake Hylia.
Midna: Wait...isn't that supposed to be in Naruto?
Link: Oh yeah. Oh well! Let's go Midna!
Midna: Okay! :D
Midna changes into her true form.
Link: O.O
Midna: What? Say something! ...Am I so beautiful that you've no words left?
Link: O.O
Midna: ...Or am I ugly?
Link has a nosebleed and drools.
Midna: Link?
Link: ....I WANT TO (BLEEP!) YOU!!!!!!
Midna: THEN LET'S DO IT!!!
They make love right there in the castle until they're tired. Then they leave hand-in-hand.
Zelda: Hey! You didn't revive my body! Die!
Link: Did you hear something?
Midna: No, my love.
Link: Okay, then neither did I!
They go back to Ordon Village, and all the children are back!
Sera: Happies! The children are home!
Hanch: Yaaaaayyy!!
Kids: YAAAAYY!!
Jaggle: C'mere, tykes! Let's go swimming!
Kids: OKAY!
Pergie: Malo! What's with the store sign?
Malo: I have a store now.
Pergie: OMG! WE'RE RICH!
Malo: ....
Uli: Rusl and Colin are home! Happies!
Baby: Goo goo. (Good. Now feed me!)
Bo: Where's Ilia? D:
Meanwhile, Ilia somehow ended up the Naruto universe.
Ilia: Oh no! I'm not in Ordon anymore! D:
Tobi: Hey! It's you! :D
Ilia: ...
Deidara: Hi!
Ilia: O.O LINKY-POO!!! IT'S YOU!!! :D
Deidara: o_O WTF? I'm not Link.
Ilia: Wooooow! You grew your hair! It's so pretty! I want to touch it! OwO
Deidara: Get away from me!!!
Tobi: XD Senpai, you're so funny when you play your "Get away from me!" game!
Ilia: Liiinnkyyyy!!! Why did you cheat on me with that imp!?!?! D:
Deidara: o_O Oh wait...Link is with Midna?! Happies!! :D
Ilia: LIIINNKKYYYY!!! STOP CHEATING ON MEEEEE!!!
Deidara: Uhh....oh, what's that honey? Okay! I gotta go, my wife is calling me! See ya!
He disappears and Tobi does too because he's Tobi.
Ilia: LINKY! COME BACK HERE!!!! D:
Naruto: Heeeeyy! :D ...Wait, you're in the wrong series!
Ilia: ...Linky?
Naruto: Go back to your own series! RASENGAN OF DIMENSIONS!!!
He sends Ilia back to the Zelda universe, and she ends up back in Ordon.
Bo: Happies! My dauther is home!
Kids: Awww...
Ilia: LINKYYY!! COME BACK HERE!!! D:
All the villagers look at each other. Colin takes a rock and throws it at Ilia, who's knocked out. She comes to in a second.
Ilia: ...Who am I?
Colin: :D
Everyone: Happies!
Meanwhile, at Link's house..
Link: Aren't you supposed to go and break the Mirror of Twilight and go home?
Midna: No! I'm staying here with you! :D
Link: HAPPIES!!
PT: YES! The dream ending!
Link: Who are you?
PT: The author of this story.
Midna: That explains why it's all dumb.
PT: Hey c'mon! We're having fun, right?
Link: Mmm....yeah, yeah! We are having fun! :D
Midna: Yeah! :D
PT: Yay!
PT disappears back to type the story and Link and Midna do more R-rated stuff.
Fado later comes to Link's house.
Fado: HEEEYY! Link! Hello? Come out!
Link: I'm busy!
Fado: Doing what?
Link: Nothing!
Fado: Then come help me with the goats!
Link: No!
Fado: Oh fine. Have the day off. But come in tomorrow!
Link: Okay.
Midna: Ah yeah, that's it! That's it! Say my name! Say it!
Link: Ohhhhhh Midna!! YEEAAH!! MIDNA!!
Fado: O.O
He slowly backs away and runs back to the ranch. The kids are standing near Link's house now.
Talo: What's going on?
Malo: Who knows.
Beth: Uh, hello? Don't you guys know ANYTHING?!
Colin: I think they're playing a game.
Beth: No! They're making babies!
Talo: How do you do that?
Beth: They call the stork, of course!
Talo: What?! But my dad told me they come by fairies!
Malo: You're both idiots. You have to have sex to make a baby.
Colin: I heard about-
Kids: SHUT UP, COLIN!
Colin: Okay.
Beth: Ooohh! It must be fun! Let's have sex!
Talo: Okay!
Since the kids assume sex is jumping about and screaming each other's names, they do just that.
Talo: BETH!
Beth: MALO!
Malo: Colin.
Colin: Talo!
Jaggle: WHY ARE YOU ALL SHOUTING?!?!
Kids: WE'RE HAVING SEX!!!
Jaggle: O.O
Zelda suddenly appears.
Zelda: Where's Link?!
Talo: BETH! In his house.
Beth: MALO! He's having sex with that weird lady.
Malo: Colin. We're having sex too.
Colin: Talo!
Zelda: o_O But you're just jumping around saying each other's names.
Talo: THAT'S WHAT IT IS! BETH!
Zelda decides not to ask anymore so she goes up into Link's house.
Zelda: Link!! Midna!! You both have some-OMG!!! O.O
Midna: Do you mind? We're busy here.
Link: Hi Zelda.
Zelda: O.O
She faints, and Midna puts her outside with her hand hair, that she still has even in her true form because I say so. XD
Midna: Now where were we?
Link: Right about here!
They go back to playing their video game. Which is Twilight Princess. XD
You: O_o ......
Outside, the kids are still "having sex".
Talo: BETH!
Beth: MALO!
Malo: Colin.
Colin: Talo!
Ilia: LINKY-POO!
Kids: SHUT UP ILIA!
Talo: When did you get your memory back?! BETH!
Ilia: Be quiet! I have to go see my Linky-poo! :D
Beth: He's with Midna now! MALO!
Ilia: WHAT?! CHEATING ON ME?!!?
Ilia climbs up the ladder and goes into Link's house.
Ilia: LINK!! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?!!?
Midna: Hey! We're trying to play here!
Link: Go away Ilia.
Ilia: No! ....Wasn't your hair longer?
Link: Huh? o_O
Midna: Oooh! Link with long hair! I like that!
Link: But I-
Ilia: LINKY! You're supposed to be with me!!!!
Link: I'm with Midna.
Ilia: WHY?!!?
Midna: We love each other! :D
Link: Yes we do! :D
Ilia: D:
Midna: Now go away.
Ilia: No!
Link: I hear your mom calling you.
Ilia: MOMMY?! MOMMY'S HOME!!!
She runs out and falls on her face.
Midna: Now let's keep going! We're almost at the Forest Temple!
Link: I want to play now!
Midna: Nope! It's my turn! :D
Link: You played till the dungeon and I only played until I got the Hero's Garb! Mine!
Midna: Mine!
Link: Mine!
Midna: Mine!
Link: ...
Midna: ...
Link: Oh Midna!
Midna: Oh Link!
They throw themselves at each other and start making out like crazy, which soon leads to making love.
Link on the game: HEY! Why am I just standing here?!
Midna on the game: The you and me in the real world playing this game are too busy making babies.
LOTG: They're calling the stork?
MOTG: ....
And that ends our story for today! :D Thank you for reading, and do come again! I'll make some more parodies if any come up!