Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing.
Pairings: None. Alternatively, Treize/Everyone. I'm not quite sure.
If the late Treize Khushrenada had left any legacy to the Preventers, it was undoubtedly the baths. Treize had always insisted on luxurious baths, and Une wasn't about to break a tradition just because he was dead. She respected him too much. Therefore, she had personally made sure the Preventer Base's baths were a sight comparable to the Seven Wonders of the World. No one would ever need to complain about the Preventers' baths.
It was a matter of principle.
And that was the only reason she had actually agreed to check on them personally after several of her male employees had assured her the problem was something she really needed to see herself. However, despite their insistence, nothing seemed out of order. Besides, someone was using them, and she had probably made the poor man awkward enough already.
She turned to leave, but then the man spoke.
"Please, Lady Une, no need to leave on my account."
She knew that voice. But it couldn't be.
Treize.
Almost involuntarily, she walked to take a closer look at the man. And stared. Then rubbed her eyes and stared some more.
It was Treize.
Greyer than he had been before, with droopier skin, but unmistakably Treize.
"If you don't mind," he said, "Could you fetch me some rose-scented bathing oil, please?"
She opened her mouth. Then closed it. She stood for a moment. Then, with utmost serenity, she fished her glasses from her pocket and put them firmly on her face.
There. That was better.
"At once, sir," she said.
*
"Well, you are certainly Treize Khushrenada," said Sally, who had had to carry her medical tools into the men's bath since Treize had refused to leave them. "Just... not alive."
"As I said," Treize said from the bath.
"And why did you say you were here?"
"I'm the harbinger of the Zombie Apocalypse," he said leisurely. "The dead will walk the streets, yearning to feast on the flesh of the living, bringing chaos everywhere in their wake, that sort of thing. I'm here to warn you about it."
"And you're doing this from the bath?"
"I might as well be comfortable about it. Are you sure you don't--"
"I'm quite fine without taking a bath with you, thank you, and so is Lady Une," she said.
"Just making sure."
Sally was truthfully a bit worried that Une might have agreed to take a bath with the man if given the chance. She was clearly unsettled; she had been taking her glasses on and off like it was a nervous tick while talking to her. Sally had distracted her by asking her to contact the Gundam-pilots-turned-Preventers. A bit mean to them, perhaps, but surely they were used to her by now.
"So, if you're truly too busy to join me in the bath, what is it that you're doing?" Treize asked.
"Seeing what we can do about this coming Zombie Apocalypse of yours, for one," Sally said, and smiled. "We have five young men in our employ who I believe are well-equipped for the task."
"I see," Treize said thoughtfully. "Is one of those five young men by any chance the Chinese boy who made attempts on my life on more than one occasion?"
Sally paled.
*
"He turned red, yelled at me for a minute, declared he had something to do and marched away," said a glassesless Une. "Why do you ask?"
Sally rubbed her temples. Why hadn't she had the sense to call Wufei herself? Granted, she had had an undead Treize Khushrenada to worry about, but it was no excuse.
"Whatever he's planning is nothing compared to what I'm going to do if someone doesn't hand me some proper weaponry for the Zombie Apocalypse right now!" Duo yelled.
"Will you please calm down, Duo," Quatre said, clearly pained.
"No! And don't think you're off the hook, either," Duo said, turning to point at Quatre menacingly. "You convinced me to destroy Deathscythe, and now there's a Zombie Apocalypse and I don't have my partner."
"Did Treize tell you anything about the enemies?" Heero asked. "Their plans? Their weaknesses?"
"Not much," Sally said. "He's only interested in taking baths."
"Should I ask him?"
"I'm not sure if that'd do any good. He'd just try to find a way to get you to take a bath with him."
"I see," Heero said and nodded thoughtfully, no doubt trying to form an effective plan for interrogating a bathing-obsessed zombie anyway.
"Are you listening to me?" Duo said.
"It's rather hard not to," said Une, who was wearing her glasses again.
"Someone in this dump has to have some appropriate weaponry for fighting zombies, and I want it delivered to me ASAP!"
It was at that point that Altron crashed in through the wall.
*
"He said he destroyed it," Duo said. "I'm sure I heard him say he destroyed it. Did you hear him say he destroyed it?"
"I demand to be shown where he is!" shouted Wufei, who had finally deigned to climb out of his Gundam and was currently trying to look dignified in the middle of the rubble. "I will not be denied my revenge a third time! We shall fight man-to-man! Nataku-to-any mobile suit of his choice!"
"You're welcome to see him", Une said, who had removed her glasses to clean them, "But I'm going to have to ask you to hand me your sword for now."
"I should have done that," Duo said, not paying attention. "I should have just told everyone I destroyed my Gundam and secretly kept it."
"Didn't you say you never lie?"
"I should have kept my Gundam and omitted mentioning I hadn't destroyed it, then."
Wufei narrowed his eyes. "Do you really I'm so dishonorable as to try to attack him by surprise?"
"Nevertheless," Une said, slipping her glasses on again.
"Oh, fine," Wufei said, handing his sword over. "Now show me where he is."
"Right. This way."
"And the moment he agrees to a duel, you will hand my sword back immediately!"
"We'll see."
Sally looked worriedly after Une and Wufei as they left the room. "I should probably go after them," she said. "Now, don't get any bright ideas while I'm gone."
"Now wait just a minute!"
"Duo, do you think it's a good idea to leave those three by themselves?"
Duo paused, and Sally took the chance to hurry out.
"Just return quickly! I'm not through with you yet!" Duo yelled after her.
"Duo," Quatre said tiredly.
"I'm willing to settle for a Taurus with a flamethrower," Duo continued peevedly. "But I do need something."
"Are flamethrowers effective against zombies?" Heero asked with the interest of a professional.
"They're the best! The undead hate fire. That's basic knowledge. That's why I want them to give me one."
"I doubt yelling at us about it will help," Quatre said.
"I don't think you quite understand the situation, Quatre," Duo said. "It's a Zombie Apocalypse! The dead will walk the streets, yearning to feast on the flesh of the living, bringing chaos everywhere in their wake. And I," he said, poking Quatre in the chest for emphasis, "Don't have my Gundam because someone convinced me to blow it up."
They were interrupted when Trowa raised his voice for the first time during the meeting. "If you're not too busy," he said, looking at Altron, "I'd just like to point out that this thing has a flamethrower."
Heero, Duo and Quatre all stared at him.
"Two, in fact."
"Trowa, my man," said a suddenly much calmer Duo, "Are you suggesting we steal Wufei's Gundam?"
"Well--"
"That's unethical, underhanded, disrespectful and quite possibly against both national and international law," Duo said. "Let's do it."
*
"Let me see if I've understood this correctly," Relena said, trying her best to ignore Dorothy's giggles from behind her. "There is a Zombie Apocalypse, of which Treize came back to warn us about. But he isn't helping us, he just wants to bathe until it's over."
"I believe his exact words were 'I died in the glory of battle once already, I wish to go peacefully this time,'" Sally said.
"And Wufei wants to challenge him into a duel, but Treize is only interested in taking a bath with him."
"With anyone, really," Sally said. "I took the liberty of refusing on your behalf."
"Thank you," Relena said. "And Lady Une is currently resting to avoid a nervous breakdown."
"I thought that was for the best."
"I see. What are you planning to do next?"
"Well, first I'm going to ready a large batch of sedatives for when Wufei finds out the other four took his Gundam."
Relena blinked. "I'm sorry? They took his Gundam?" Hadn't they all been destroyed?
"I'm afraid so," Sally said. "Apparently they plan to pilot it together."
And Relena had thought this couldn't get any weirder.
"Should we do something about it?" she asked.
"Honestly," Sally said, "I think they've been looking for something they can kill without having to feel bad about it for some time now. It might be best to just let them work it out of their system."
"They're like little kids, aren't they?" Dorothy said.
"Where's my brother when you need him?" Relena muttered.
*
In fact, while they had needed to rewire the controls a bit, the four were doing better at piloting Altron than Sally and Relena suspected, mostly because they had had the sense to divide the duties rather than fight about them. Quatre took care of piloting, and Heero and Trowa manned the flamethrowers.
As for Duo...
"I can't see anything, my legs have fallen asleep, and I don't even get to do any shooting! This sucks!" Duo complained loudly.
"It's your own fault for choosing a strategically disadvantageous position," Heero said. He was sitting on Duo's lap. So were Trowa and Quatre.
"He's right, you know," said Quatre, looking uncharacteristically pleased with himself. "You did rush in first."
"I can't believe I'm going to miss the Zombie Apocalypse because of your fat asses!"
"You're not missing it, really," Trowa said mildly. "You're the foundation our team stands on. Or sits on, rather."
"Oh, ha ha!" Duo rolled his eyes. "I hope all three of you get rectal cancer!"
*
"I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth," Wufei said in a conversational tone, "And then I'm going to kill you like the dishonorable dogs you are."
"What's the matter with him?" Quatre asked.
"Sedatives," Sally said. "I suggest you not be around him when they wear off."
"Oh." He managed to look apologetic. "Maybe we shouldn't have--"
"Of course you shouldn't have," said Une, who still didn't look particularly calm, but had at least finally left her glasses alone.
"It was Trowa's idea," Duo said vindictively.
Une looked at Trowa scathingly. "I thought you of all people would have more sense than that."
"Of course he doesn't!" Duo said. "He used to be a clown! If that's not proof that he's twisted to his very soul--"
"I thought it was best if we got on our way to halt the invasion quickly," Trowa said smoothly.
"Suck up," Duo muttered.
"You will speak when spoken to," Une said, glaring at Duo warningly.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Ma'am," Heero spoke up suddenly, "While it may have been Trowa's idea, we all agreed on it as a course of action. If he is disciplined for this, we all should be."
"That's true," Quatre said. "It was a team effort."
"Team effort to make me miss all the action, maybe."
"Duo."
"Yes, ma'am."
Une looked at them all, then sighed resignedly. "I suppose I can't deny that you were effective. Just remember, you're more effective when in separate mobile suits than all packed in one."
"Yes, ma'am," all four said.
"And if you ever do anything like this again, you're all spending a week in the brig."
"Yes, ma'am."
"You would be dead if Zechs and Noin hadn't shown up when they did."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Dismissed."
The pilots hurried out of the room before she changed her mind.
"You know that the only reason she let us go so easily is because Trowa's her favourite, right?"
"Did you want to be punished?"
"Now don't you start! You were the one who volunteered us all for the punishment!"
"We should have taken just the flamethrowers like I suggested."
"Look, Heero, I know you enjoy dismantling other people's Gundams, but there wasn't time for that."
With only some minor grumbling.
Une sighed. "Now, Wufei, would you please explain to me why your Gundam isn't destroyed like you reported?"
"I found it like that?" Wufei offered.
Une stared at him.
Sally coughed. "How about we accept that as the explanation if you agree to hand it over to the Preventers?"
Wufei furrowed his brow. "I don't think that--"
"You'll be its pilot, of course," Sally said quickly. "And the other four aren't allowed to be even in the same hangar with it."
Wufei looked thoughtful.
Une, on the other hand, looked displeased.
Sally lowered her voice to a whisper. "This is our best chance to do this without a fuss."
"We need to talk about your methology," Une said sternly.
"You know I'm right."
"Unfortunately." She sighed. "All right, let's get to the paperwork."
*
"It's because of your strength and your courage that the threat has been--" Relena's voice echoed through the speakers over the crowd.
"Why are we here again?" Duo asked.
"Heero wanted to see Relena speak," Quatre said.
"That's why he's here. Why are we here?"
"Oh, Duo, there you are!" yelled someone from the crowd.
Duo turned towards the sound of the voice. "Hilde? What are you doing here?"
"I volunteered," said Hilde, pushing her way towards them.
"Volunteered?"
"Well, I couldn't just let you have all the fun, could I?"
"Let me have all the... Look, those guys hogged the Gundam, and all this time I was--"
"Too noisy," Heero said.
"Oh, great, everyone's a comedian today," Duo said.
"I meant now."
"Oh," Hilde said. "Sorry."
"That's why, on behalf of everyone in the world, I want to--"
Duo sighed deeply. "I hate everyone."
*
"I've been meaning to ask," Dorothy said, "Whatever did happen to Treize?"
"He's still in the men's bath, as far as I know," Sally replied.
"You left him there?"
"Well, he's not harming anyone, and he likes it there. Besides, Lady Une missed him."
Dorothy didn't look particularly convinced. "Isn't he filthy?"
"With the amount of baths he's taking?"
"Ah. I suppose you have a point."
"And challenging him gives Wufei something to do when he's feeling frustrated. Of course," Sally tapped her chin, "since he always refuses it only leaves Wufei more frustrated, but no arrangement is perfect, I guess."
"So, did you tell Milliardo about him yet?"
"Oh, I'm sure he's found out by now," Sally said. "I offered him and Noin the chance to clean up at the Preventers' Base."
Dorothy raised an eyebrow. "Glad to see you're having fun."
Sally smiled. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
*
"So that means you will take a bath with me, Milliardo?" Treize asked, obviously delighted.
Zechs looked dejectedly around the bath. "Do I have a choice?"
He should have known there was a catch.