'Baby Talk'
Main pairing(s): Stendy
Disclaimer: I don't own South Park or any of its characters
Constructive criticism is very much appreciated
"Next we have… Wendy and Eric, what have you two invented?" Mr Garrison's twelfth grade class had been set an assignment to invent some sort of useful invention. They had been set into pairs. Most people had been okay with their pairs. Most of them. Wendy Testaburger and Eric Cartman, however, had been paired together, which neither of them were happy with.
Wendy was the one to speak up, "Well, Mr Garrison, I have invented a way to reverse someone's age!"
"Let me guess, Eric didn't do any work and is the test subject. Am I right?" Garrison raised an eyebrow.
"Yes." Wendy responded bluntly.
He then stated: "If it works you get an A+ if it doesn't you get an F!"
"So," Garrison began, "get going."
"I'm going to make Cartman a three month old baby." Wendy stated.
Cartman sat in a chair angrily, glaring at Wendy. "If this kills me, Wendy, I swear to GOD I will murder you!"
"B-but… aw, screw it!"
Wendy placed a metal helmet, attached, by two cords which later connect into one, to a small phone–sized machine. Wendy touched the machine, and, after a brief flash of pure white light, a small child's babbling could be heard. Once the smoke cleared, the class of twelfth graders found –as stated by Wendy– a small three month year old kid. The tiny child, while still mumbling to himself, was fiddling and fumbling around in the heap of far too oversized cloths.
The students', as well as their teacher's, eyes widened as the, supposedly, three month old began to giggle and he roll around in the cloths. The little boy was not fat by any means, much to the surprise of most of his classmates. In actuality, he was possibly a little too thin. Possibly.
Kyle spoke up first, "I think I prefer this Cartman to the other one!"
This statement was followed by a load of replies, almost all of them being along the lines of 'yea'. After a short while, Wendy figured it would be best if she changed 'Little Eric' back to 'Big Eric'.
This was met with an unfortunate complication.
"The machine isn't working!" Wendy blurted out suddenly.
Garrison's frown quickly contorted to a giant smile. He began jumping up and down screaming: "Great! All we have to do is blame this on one of the usual problems that happen in this fucked–up town and then his mother can't sue us, once we give her son back to her! Yes! I knew I could get rid of him somehow!"
Kenny hated to be the one to burst Mr Garrison's bubble, but had unfortunate news. "We can't send Cartman home."
Garrison turned to face the boy, glaring at him. "Why not, McCormick?"
"His mom isn't there." Kenny said.
"What's wrong with that? She'll get back later and then we can get rid of Eric!"
"No, she's not coming back!" Kenny replied.
"Why?"
Kenny sighed, looking at Little Eric. "His mom eloped."
Kyle raised his eyebrow, a small smile he couldn't help plastered onto his face. "When?" He asked.
"About a year ago. That was why he got even angrier at everyone about that time." Kenny stammered.
"How do you know? I mean he hasn't told anyone else… has he?" Stan asked.
Kenny sighed. "You know when we got that History assignment about World War Two last year?"
"Yeah." Stan said.
"Well, I got partnered with him and he reluctantly agreed to let me do the work at his house. When I got there I found him hunched over his dining room table crying his eyes out. When I asked him what was wrong all he said was: "she left". He then slid over a little note, which I read."
"S-so Eric's m-mom just l-left? W-what has h-he be-been d-doing for money?" Butters asked.
"All he told me was that he took over his mom's old clients."
Clyde raised an eyebrow, snickering and putting a hand over his mouth. "So… he's a prostitute?"
"Yea..." Kenny said slowly.
"What, so Cartman's mom really is a crack whore? I thought you just said that to piss him off!" Red asked, though she was ignored.
"So… Wendy, you've got a new baby!" Mr Garrison informed the now shocked girl.
"What? Why do I have to look after Little Cartman?" Wendy complained, loudly.
"Because you're the one who made him a little kid! So you gotta look after him!" Garrison said, smirking at her and picking up Little Eric.
"B-but, where can I keep him? I mean, our house doesn't have any extra rooms!"
"W-well why d-don't you k-keep 'im in your room, Wendy?" Butters asked, banging his knuckles together.
"Because he's not my son! Or related to me! Or even my friend!" Wendy was then handed Little Eric by Mr Garrison. The now sleeping boy was curled up into a little ball, thumb in his mouth, surrounded by his old oversized cloths. There was a small amount of brown hair atop the baby's head. A cute smile was plastered on Little Eric's face and he occasionally snickered.
Little Eric rolled around, yawning softly.
'You know,' Wendy thought to herself, 'Little Cartman is actually pretty cute.' She then shook her head. 'No, he's not! This is the same person who killed a kids parents over sixteen dollars!' She mentally screamed at herself.
The bell rang, signalling lunch. "You bastards can leave now!" Mr Garrison said.
Wendy realised that Little Eric was very easy to carry, not like what she thought he would be! Butters ran up to her, "W-Wendy, can I h-have E-Eric?"
"Why?" She replied.
"W-well Craig, Clyde, Token and Tweek w-want him."
"For what?" She asked.
"W-well they didn't tell me, they just said it would b-be funny."
"Err…" She looked down at the babbling baby. She then handed Little Eric to Butters, "Take him."
Butters smiled at her and walked away while Wendy headed over to the cafeteria.
Butters walked over to Craig's gang and gave Little Eric to Tweek.
"W-what are you g-gonna do with him?" Butters asked, knocking his knuckles together.
"Piss off, Pussy!" Craig replied, raising his fist up. Butters backed off and then decided to run away towards the cafeteria to find Kenny, Stan and Kyle.
"AH!" Tweek screamed, accidentally throwing Little Eric into the air. Craig grabbed the baby as he fell to the ground, giggling. Craig slapped Tweek on the back of his head, sighing. "S-sorry… AH …Craig!"
Craig just sighed again, walking away holding the bundle of cloths with a baby inside. He headed to his locker and opened it. He looked down at the now asleep baby, who was sucking on his thumb and giggling to himself. He growled and frowned at Little Eric before stuffing him into the locker.
Craig chuckled before he, Clyde, Token and Tweek left.
Near the end of lunch Wendy walked up to Butters. "Hey, Butters…"
"AH!" Butters screamed, startled by Wendy sneaking up on him.
"Sorry." Wendy said and then asked: "Where's Cartman?"
Butters became nervous, eyes darting from side–to–side and he began knocking his fists together. "Err… I don't know, C-Craig took him off of me and told me to go away. S-so I-I think you should a-ask him."
Wendy sighed and walked away to go find Craig, who was leaning against the lockers, smoking a cigarette and talking to Clyde. Wendy walked up to him and coughed, gaining Craig's acknowledgement.
"What do you want? Finally realised that I'm a better boyfriend than that pussy, Stan?" Craig asked, smirking and flipping her off as his greeting.
"No, asshole. Just give me Cartman, I want to get to class early!" Wendy replied, folding her arms and tapping her foot.
Craig smirked, putting out his cigarette against his locker. He leaned down to her, puffed out some smoke and whispered: "Why do you want that fat turd? Do you love your new little baby? Do you love Little Eric?" Craig then backed out of Wendy's face, opened his locker, pulled Little Eric out and threw him at her. Wendy only just managed to catch Little Eric, who had woken up and was, now that he wasn't moving, was giggling and rolling around in the pile of cloths.
Wendy flipped her hair as she turned and walked away. Craig smirked, flipping her off from behind.
Luckily for Wendy, Little Eric was asleep for all of her next lesson, but she had to keep him on her desk and he kept wriggling and squirming, sucking his thumb. As Wendy left school with Bebe and Red, Little Eric in her bag, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters ran up to them.
Stan greeted her by kissing her on the cheek. "Hi, Wendy, we're going to Cartman's house, Kenny and Butters said that his mom probably kept a lot of his baby shit! I think you should come!"
Wendy sighed, looking down at Little Eric, before nodding. "Fine, I'll come." Stan, Wendy, Kyle, Kenny and Butters as well as Bebe and Red all walked over to Cartman's house.
It took the group about thirty minutes to walk all the way from the high school to Cartman's house, all the while the baby babbled and pointed at everything it saw with its small hands from Wendy's bag. Kenny walked up to the door and opened it.
The group walked into the dark house, Little Eric burying his head into Wendy's bag in fright. Kenny walked over to the light and turned it on. The first thing they saw once the light was on was a self–portrait of Big Eric. He was sitting in a large chair, a staff with a globe on top in his hand, a glare on his face.
"W. hat the fuck?" Kenny said, walking over to the portrait.
Stan noticed that, despite his mom supposedly being gone for a year, Cartman's house was extremely clean and organised. Wendy took Little Eric (who was now looking out of the bag) up to his old room. Once she opened the door, her eyes went wide. "Stan!" She called out, causing Stan to run up, with the others following close behind.
One of Cartman's walls had a large map of the USA, twelve of the states, including Colorado, were covered with large X's. Threaded across the opposite side of the room were pictures of different men, some had crosses covering them. Sitting on the bed was Clyde Frog and after he saw him, Little Eric reached his hand out to grab Clyde Frog. Wendy picked the frog up and handed it to the baby, who then hugged it and continued babbling. On his bed, Cartman had a piece of paper that had a table.
The table was had a list of names, mostly names of some of his classmates parents. They were all in a column titled: 'Clients'. The other column was titles: 'Day(s)' and the final one was titled: 'Price'. The group almost immediately realised that the table was of who Cartman fucked for money.
Having enough of Cartman's room, the group walked down to the basement, where they figured that Cartman's baby stuff would be if his mom had kept it. Down there they found a small Terrance and Phillip onesie. Wendy pulled the naked baby out of her bag and tried to struggle him into the onesie, while the baby giggled and squirmed. Once he was in the onesie, Little Eric held onto Wendy's neck and hugged her, not wanting to be put back into her bag.
Wendy tried to pull Little Eric off of her neck. "Hey, Cartman, stop it! Get in the bag!"
Little Eric giggled, still holding onto Wendy's neck. "Stan, can you pull Cartman off of me‽" She said, giving up and letting Little Eric hug her.
Stan sighed and pulled Little Eric off of Wendy. Little Eric turned to face him, frowning and crossing his small arms. Stan chuckled, putting Little Eric into Wendy's bag. Little Eric, instead of crying and trying to get picked up by Wendy again, went to sleep inside Wendy's bag again.
The group picked up a pile of baby cloths each, beside Stan who carried a crib and Wendy who had Little Eric, and then headed over to Wendy's house. Once they got there, Wendy took out her key and opened her door, realising that her parents weren't in. She placed her bag, and consequentially Little Eric, onto the floor alongside the piles of cloths and walked into the kitchen where she saw a letter taped to the fridge.
Dear Wendy,
I and your father are going on a cruise for two weeks. Sorry it's such short notice, we won it on a radio competition today and the ship leaves tonight at six o'clock.
We have left you five hundred dollars cash and our credit card for you.
If you have any problems, you know mine and your father's number.
Remember, don't go into our room!
Be safe and have fun!
Love:
Mom
Wendy crumpled the letter in her hands and threw it onto the counter, growling. She sighed, walking back into the living room where the group was sat. Bebe had Little Eric on her lap, bouncing him up and down while the baby giggled and reached out to try and grab her nose. Bebe smiled and grabbed Little Eric's hand and squeezed it lightly. The baby continued to giggle but, when he saw Wendy, he raised his arms towards her. Wendy sighed and picked Little Eric up, who then smiled and rested his head on Wendy's shoulder. Wendy sighed again, sitting down next to Stan.
Butters walked over to Little Eric and tickled his stomach, causing the baby to laugh and roll around. "Err… W-Wendy, do y-you want me t-to go out a-and b-buy some d-dippers f-for E-Eric?" Butters asked.
"Yes, please, Butters." Wendy said, sighing as Little Eric rolled around in her lap, laughing.
Butters gave Little Eric one more tickle before standing up and heading out of the door, Kenny following him.
Little Eric then turned back to Wendy, snuggling up to her, hugging Clyde Frog and smiling. Wendy just sighed, as Red came in with a bottle of warm milk in a sterilised bottle she had bought on the way. Red walked over and gave the bottle to Little Eric who took it, smiled and put it in his mouth, sucking on it. Red moved to sit in between Kyle and Bebe.
The group sat in awkward silence, the only sound was Eric sucking on his bottle. The silence was then broken by Kyle saying: "So, err… Wendy, how do you think you can handle Cartman?"
Wendy sighed, "I don't know! It's not like I prepared for this to happen!"
"Well, Wendy, if you want, I'll stay here with you tonight." Stan said, smiling at his girlfriend.
"Okay, fine." Wendy replied. Little Eric fell asleep, dropping his bottle onto the floor and snuggling up to Wendy.
Butters came in about a minute later, carrying two bags of diapers. Red turned to him and said: "Sorry, Butters, I forgot to get diapers when I bought the steriliser, milk and the bottle."
Butters smiled at her, "That's okay, Red." He then gave the diapers to Wendy.
"Why do I have to put diapers on him‽" Wendy asked, resting Little Eric onto the seat next to her.
"W-well I-I'll do it f-for you." Butters said, unzipping Little Eric. Butters pulled Little Eric out of his onesie, put a diaper onto him, he then put his onesie back on and handed the somehow still sleeping baby back to Wendy.
"Err… Butters, where's Kenny?" Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, K-Kenny a-asked me f-for a twenty d-dollar bill to b-buy a couple of s-six packs." He said, banging his knuckles together.
Just then Kenny stumbled through the door, carrying about seven six packs under one arm (a bottle of vodka occupying his hand) and an open beer can in the other one. He put the six packs down and walked into the living room. "Heeey, guys!" He said, taking a swig of his beer.
"Oh, jeez!" Butters said, banging his knuckles together again.
Kenny stumbled over to Little Eric, spilling a little bit of his beer in the process. "Heeey, what's Cartman doing asleep? Do you wan' a beer, Cartman?" Kenny asked, putting the beer next to the sleeping baby's lips. Red walked over and took the beer out of Kenny's hand. "Wha' you doin' Red? Gimme my beer back! I was jus' tryin' to give a lil to Cartman!"
Red handed the beer to Butters before saying: "Wendy, I think you should take Little Cartman to bed."
Deciding it was probably best, Wendy got up and headed up to her room, carrying the bottle with her. She laid the baby down as well as his toy frog. She then played the bottle next to Little Eric. She looked at Little Eric, sighed and then headed back downstairs, closing the door quietly behind her.