A Fishy Situation, a d.gray-man fanfic

Title: A Fishy Situation

Synopsis: God made a self-destruct button for the Innocence, but what would happen if it fell into the wrong sort of hands… Gills. The story of Marcy the swordfish and her encounter with the Millennium Earl's dinner plate. CRACK.

Rating: T

A/N: This is what happens when you mix my sister Smeep, -Man, Mexican food and a day off of school, a heartwarming story about a fish. But all I can say is… Hopefully the Heart isn't in Chaoji's Innocence. If it was, I may have to cry. Oh, and I was going to make Kanda a mermaid in this, but I thought that it would be just a little too much. Anyways, I hope that this cheers Smeep up while she's working on a rather difficult essay.

Disclaimer: I don't own -Man, because if I did Bak Chan would have the Heart Innocence.

In order to defend the world from the evil of the Clan of Noah, God created a substance known as Innocence. The power that this substance held would be the last hope of humanity in the decisive battle between good and evil. But in case of some emergency, God also created the Heart Innocence, a fragment of the substance that, when destroyed, would destroy the rest of the Innocence as well.

Why God would have put a self-destruct button on his own evil-fighting weaponry, this author does not know, but that is a story for another time.

But this Heart Innocence would need to be difficult to find; only when the time came could its hidden location be revealed. There would have to be traps surrounding it and spells to ensure that humans could not reach it.

What God forgot about were the fish of the world.

Marcy the swordfish was just swimming around one day, minding her own business. A kid named Flounder had pissed her off earlier, what with being so obsessed with some mermaid chick that she wasn't quite fond of, so Marcy just wanted some time alone in her secret place.

The secret place that Marcy had found a few days ago was really beautiful; there was a shining red light that came from a little gemstone in a cave that no other fish would have had the guts to go into. Marcy was an adventurous little swordfish, however, and found no problem with the ominous air of the cave. From the day that she had found it and the little gem within it, she had been completely enchanted.

So, feeling rejected and sad because of her former friend no longer cared for her, Marcy settled into her cave to spend some good time staring at the beautiful gem.

For a few minutes Marcy did just that in piece, watching the red light around the piece of beauty fluctuate softly with the waves of water that passed by. Then, without warning, there came noises from outside the cave; noises that only humans could make. Worried that there were some evil treasure hunters out there wanting to take her gem, Marcy tried to think of a way to hide it. Realizing that there was no place to stick it in the cave without it being seen, Marcy did something that she knew her digestive system would regret.

Marcy took her pretty gem, and ate it.

Suddenly, a power grew from within her. Frightened of what was happening to her, Marcy began to flail around. It felt like her nose was on fire and her insides were being ripped apart.

Casually, the fishermen came closer to the cave that was known for attracting the best sort of swordfish to it. Sure, it was a boat ride and a dive under to get them, but for the rich patrons that they would be on the plates of, it was well worth the trouble. Besides, locating the little buggers was easy; for some reason they were all attracted to this cage, and no one knew why. Not that it mattered; they could get a high price for the fish with relatively easy work.

The two fisherman who were out swordfish searching found that their efforts were not in vain; swimming around in a somewhat erratic fashion was a swordfish, just waiting to be served to some rich idiot who would pay ten times what it was really worth. Smiling, the fisherman grabbed their nets and went to work.

Marcy, meanwhile, saw a strange green glow come from her nose, and she was feeling rather strange. The burning sensation was gone, now filled with a sort of power that she had never felt before. It was like tasting freedom for the first time, and it was exhilarating.

Suddenly, however, a net flew over the poor fish and entangled her. 'If only there was a way out!' she thought frantically to herself as she struggled against the netting. But as soon as the thought finished formulating itself in her mind, the greenish glow of her nose got brighter and her nose grew, breaking the hold that the net had on her.

Dumbfounded by the escape of the fish, the fisherman used another, back up net that they had brought in case of something happening to the first. With more aggression they threw it over the fish, which they thought would be, for sure, trapped this time around.

Yet again, Marcy was afraid, and yet again her nose grew and cut through the fisherman's net. Irritated at the fish that had no broken two of their nets for no apparent reason, one of the fishermen went over to the fish and grabbed it with his bare hands.

Too afraid to even think, Marcy was even unable to activate whatever force had been helping her fight against the humans a few moments ago, and she let herself be taken up the surface, where she was put into a small metal bucket that soon held another swordfish and a carp. Soon after that, they were taken to shore and the bucket was given to a fat man in a stained apron in exchange for a few crumpled pieces of paper. The last thing that Marcy heard from the fisherman was his laugh as he walked away.

"Good evening, everyone!" Came the cheery voice of the Millennium Earl from the head of the table. Seated around him were other members of the clan of Noah, all in formal wear. The Earl's invitation was to have tea, but they knew that when the Earl was involved, they were to look their very best. "I'm glad that you all could make it today!"

Next to the Earl, Tyki played with a lose string on his tuxedo jacket, incredibly bored with this entire business.

"Now everyone, tonight's meal is on me tonight, so everyone eat up good! Tomorrow we will continue our search for the Heart so that we may end this war." In Tyki's mind he laughed; the Earl had been promising them the end of this war for quite a long time, and never to any avail.

Each person had their order taken and they all enjoyed a bit of inane small talk with each other; the problem was that none of them had anything in common except for the want for the exorcists to be dead, and that got dull as a conversation after a while. Even the Earl didn't have much to say that night, instead deciding to focus his discussions more on fine wine, something that just didn't interest Tyki at all.

After what felt like forever, their food came, a red, blood dripping steak for Tyki and a full swordfish for the Earl, still with its head attached.

A waiter in a white uniform with a funny looking black moustache approached the Earl with a knife. "Sir, would you like me to debone your swordfish for you, or will you be doing it yourself?"

With a giddy laugh, the Earl put a hand on the waiter's shoulder. The waiter's moustache quivered with disgust at the man's touch. "Don't worry about that, I can take care of it myself."

"Sir." The waiter said as he walked away, brushing his hand across the place where the Earl had touched him, as if two seconds could have possibly gotten his work uniform dirty.

Ignoring the idiotic waiter, the Earl began to cut into his food, and Tyki into his. As Tyki was taking a rather large bite of the dripping meat, something in the Earl's food made a large snapping noise. Tyki's head turned to see a small stream of green dust flying away from the Earl's swordfish.

A moment later, they heard a scream. At the table next to them Allen Walker no longer had an arm. Not stopping to wonder why he had not noticed the table of exorcists that had apparently been sitting by them this entire time, Tyki ran over to see the red-headed exorcist's hammer shrivel into dust, the girl's blood bracelets fall off and crack and the vampire's teeth fall out.

Running back to his table, breathlessly he told the Earl of his findings. "Earl, the Heart Innocence must have been in your swordfish! The exorcists' Innocence is all disappearing."

Irritated, the Earl shushed Tyki. "Be quiet. I need to get the waiter over here. The fact that there was Innocence in my food is appalling; the reviewer said that this restaurant had nice food!" The Earl muttered to himself as he tried to flag down the waiter once again. "I know I should have ordered the salmon…"

The rest of the Noahs looked just as unimpressed as the Earl, so shrugging, Tyki returned to the exorcists' table and grabbed Allen's remaining arm. "Hey Allen, want to run away and start a llama farm now that all of this is over?"

The white-haired exorcist stared at the Noah for a moment with a confused look. "But we would never be able to live in Brazil; they speak Portuguese there." The other exorcists stared at their friend, wondering why that would be the first thought on his mind over other things.

Smiling, the Noah grasped Allen's hand. "Little do you know, boy, I'm Portuguese myself!"

Allen stared. "But you don't look-"

"I know."

"And your name is-"

"I know."

"But you-"

"Just believe me Allen. We can finally be together now; let's not ruin this with trivial details." The Noah said seductively whilst staring into the exorcist's frightened eyes.

Trying to find the words that were caught in his throat, Allen tried to speak but nothing came for a moment. Finally finding what he wanted to say, his voice came out quietly. "Tyki, this is very unexpected. I mean, I just lost my arm and-"

"Allen, this may be our only chance. Seriously, the Earl is going to destroy the world soon enough, so let's just make the best of this and enjoy it while we can!" Unable to express the joy that he felt, Allen could do nothing but nod. Taking the cue from his love, Tyki wrapped him up in his arms and carried him to a conveniently placed white horse and rode off with his true love.

"Well, this is odd." Lavi said to Lenalee as the Millennium Earl argued with the waiter in the background about how his, and everyone in his party's meals should be free because the Innocence that was in his fish could have poisoned him. "I thought we were going out to relax for a day, and now the fate of the Earth has been decided and we're all going to die."

Sighing, Lenalee put a hand on Lavi's. "Don't worry, this is all just a metaphor about how all of humanity are really sheep and are willing to follow the government without any thought on their own part."

Flabberghasted, Lavi's mouth dropped a little. "Wait, wait, how does it have anything to do with-"

Smiling, Lenalee jumped onto Lavi's lap, interrupting him midsentence. "Oh shut up and kiss me you sexy hunk of a bookman!"

A wide grin grew on Lavi's face. "This I can agree with!"

As the two teenagers did things not suitable for public in public, Krory averted his eyes, wondering how any of this had happened to him, and wishing that teenage authors with too much time on their hands would do things better for humanity than writing bad fanfiction about him and his friends.

Then the Earl decided that since the Innocence was gone, he would destroy the world right then and there to spite the waiter, and they all died.

Fin