A/N For Everyone's Information, I hereby wish it to be known that I, Baroness Orc, am shamelessly cribbing the classic story "The Wife of Bath" from the Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer.
Yes.
I. Am. Shamelessly. Cribbing.
Shamelessly, I tell you.
But, at least it's from CHAUCER. . . (And yes, I know I am an insane nut to be writing fanfic for a pillar of classicism like this, but I hope it will be amusing, in any case.)
For those of you who would like to read the real story (and beware again, for the real thing is even more "T" rated than my version) -
http://classiclit. about. com/library/ bl-etexts/gchaucer/bl-gchau-can-bath. htm
http://www. umm. maine. edu/faculty/necastro /chaucer/ct/wbt/
http://www. courses. fas. harvard. edu/~chaucer/teachslf/wbt-par. htm
As usual, you must remove the spaces for the links to work.
For those of you who will read my version and still love me when it is over. . . well. . . you guys are why I keep writing. (Sherlockian Girl, I am looking at you. . . XD) So thanks, my friends!
Enjoy!
To Clio1792 - For your amusement, my dear friend.
The Wife of Bath
~*~
The Preamble to The Wife of Bath's Tale: "My experience gives me ample right to speak on the matter of Marriage, its problems and its proclivities, (even were there no other Authority in this green earth) as far as concerns affection, and of getting the man to marry you, for I have (Attend to me all who Listen!) - I have, since the age of sixteen, refused the hands of fifty men who would have performed this Office unto me (though only five were of any note), and I refused them all - God save me! - but learned one good thing from each, and so they all might be said to be noble men - each in their way - for any man who can teach a woman without letting on that he is doing so (even to himself) is a man who can be praised.
"Now, a woman never married is no Wife, you say? Though you may say true, do you judge me so soon? I have been married, only once, verily, but it is the married man who is as changeable as the weather (and so you might also say that I have married fifty men, in each mood different, but all the same man, for all that) and who's to be pitied in that situation? Nay, when a woman's free to choose the man as pleases her, the men are all as varied as can be, but each one stays as constant as the earth. 'Tis only when the man is fairly married that he gads about. During Courtship he is the face of Perfection, and the very soul of Discretion.
"And so you see it is Courting that I must first address.
"Now then, for a woman it is easy to Court a man - she must simply Smile, and his imagination will do the rest. But I have heard that there are many who look upon Smiling as a sin, and beware the woman who smiles at a man as though she were pleased with his company! But indeed I find no law against smiling in Holy Scriptures - quite the opposite! I can read there that if any of us be glad, to let us sing praises, and that a merry heart does good as though it were medicine, and that a young person should take delight in his youth - in fact we are many times commanded to rejoice! How, I ask you, is one to be expected to Rejoice without smiling? It would be the same as asking a chicken to eat without scratching the earth, or a rooster to crow without ever seeing the sun.
"And again, I find that many say we women ought not be pleased with a man's company. How is that I ask? If a man wishes he may have as many friends as he wills - there are few indeed who would oppose him. But let a woman be seen in the same room with a man not her husband and all the world gapes on as though it were a tryst! As if breathing the same air as a male were something to be avoided! I see no demands against such innocent familiarity in the Holy Book. Indeed I read of women being told to marry as pleases them! What of Deborah, who judged all Israel? Surely she had at least one male friend, and the Book commends her for it. And Miriam, a Prophetess! With two brothers to keep in order, surely none could say a word against her having a beau or two? At least I know she danced and sang in public, and all the people cheered. And what of Ruth? As fair a young widow as any could see, and she made bold to go to a man's chamber alone, and at night! Who speaks against this, I ask? For the man she went to see was a good and fair man, and how else could she know of it but that she had Acquainted herself with his character beforehand?
"Does anyone mean to say we woman should make no inquiry of our opposite numbers, nor test their mettle as best we can before any knot is laid so that it cannot be undone? Whoever forbids me to Smile at man may just as well forbid me to speak to him, and what good will ever come of such an attitude? I say none, and I will proceed - an you will, to prove it.
"Now I do not say that a woman should smile imprudently. Anyone with sense will see that I mean women must make some effort if they wish to be at all respected. But if a woman is standoffish, and not given to showing herself friendly, how then, I ask, will she make friends?
"I grant that there are women who do not wish for men to be their friends - nor even their protectors - and this I can understand, though I make no claim to be in agreement. If a woman finds no joy in men, then by all means, let her seclude herself! I do not condemn those who wish to be alone, nor do I find the Holy Virgins repugnant. But - and God save me, for the thought is scandalous - the clothes they wear! It is one thing to wish for seclusion, but it is quite another to flaunt it! To insist upon such plainness cannot possibly be meant seriously. Doubtless they are kind and noble souls - for perhaps it is the wisest and best thing to live apart from all beings different than ourselves, having dealings only with other women, and forswearing all outward adornment. But I beg your Pardon if I could never live that way. Men are made to look and woman are made to show, and if a man looks at me while I show a pretty thing (it need not be assumed I mean la belle chose, you know, what foolishness it is for one to expect that this is what I mean!) then who's to blame for beauty? And so I say - let them be plain who will, and let me have my gilt!
"Aha! Now you will say that I have at last fallen into a trap of words! For does not the Holy Book say for women to take no outward adornment? And so it does. But does it mean all? Or is the Apostle speaking of those who find expression only in such things, and drown the speaking of their lips in the clanking of bangles all day long? And indeed I find that this Order is only expressed to those who wish to take a Deacon as a husband! I never had such a wish, God be praised. My mind was clear enough to avert it.
"I ask you this - If Men and Women be different creatures (though of the same Creation), then why ought we not polish and tend and decorate and care for what it is that makes us who we are? Is caring for the body less important than caring for the Soul? The Soul surely cries out for attention - why no less the body? Do they not exist as one? Some would say our faces are less important than our minds, but I say you may show your mind by your face, and if you enjoy my looks you might also enjoy my thoughts, and thus my company, and who's in the wrong if you do? If I choose to display a necklace of fine golden stuff, or a ring of Sapphires, what of it? I do no wrong, I am certain. Is my neck meant to be hidden? Is my hand a shame? Foolishness! I say we were given mortal bodies for two reasons - pleasure of the mind, and pleasure of the eyes - and it need not strictly be one or the other.
"Furthermore, a man may clothe himself as fine as he wishes, and take no blame for being a gadabout, but just let an unmarried woman cut her gown too fine, or curl her hair too deftly! Those moralists who would judge us say it is because of our bad natures. But of course we know the men complain because it is when the women do these things that they are at our mercy. And why not, say I? We are at their mercy for the rest of the time, why can we not have the whip hand once or twice? Consider Abigail - valiant woman! She kept two men at bay - one a Fool and one a King! She flouted the one and was duly praised and rewarded by the latter - in due time she became a Queen! I hardly think that it was because she wore her rags to meet His Majesty.
"Why should I not do the same? I wore bright colors and fair gems all during my time with beaux, and I had the best of it at every event. I came to know how to tend a man and turn him (and even flay him if I needed). I went first at every party, and led at every dance - and not because I was the best at anything, but because I comported myself well, and acted merrily. They all said I was a woman with resource, simply because I was no dowd, and showed I had some sense. I never wanted for a whit during that time - not one whit! I shall never be sorry for what one learns when one is Courting, come what may afterward! Thus I make bold to say - Marriage has its place - but courting's much more useful."
At this the Listener to the tale sprang to his feet and exclaimed, "S'faith, my good woman! I have a friend about to put up the banns - mayhap it would worth something to him if I told him to spare himself the trial!"
"Nay!" The Teller said quickly, "Pray be seated, Sir! Trust a man to shoot off his mouth before I have had done! Hear me out and you make think my tale quite a different draught of wine than the bitter medicine you seem to think it now. I say, have patience!"
The Listener sighed, "Very well, Madame! Be on with your story then, I will attend."
The Teller reset her mouth, and began again - "Five Swains I had before I left the field (and I may say I left it bare) - five that are worth the time it takes to tell of them. And this I say - three were old, and two were young, and the first four were bad, and the last one good (as you will see). Judge as you may, for I will tell you of them, but I acted as prudently as any woman could, I assure you.
"The three old ones were rich and titled - they hardly knew their own minds anymore, and could spare no thought for mine. But, oh how I used to laugh at them! For I used to give them my smile so easily, that they thought I was as infatuated with them as they were with me! Indeed I gave them no credit for this - what little I made them do for that reward! It still makes me laugh to think of it, for I managed most skillfully and lambasted them all day long, and if they complained, I won the argument in a trice, making them think that I had no thought but for them, and that they loved me even better than before. Nay nay, I set no high value on their affection, for it was so easy to make them lose their heads over me, I had no need to put any of my own affection into the game!
"A wise woman knows that a man too easily won has no value beyond that of sport - but what a sport is may be if one is careful! No one likes a nag, be her voice ever so pure and sweet. But let a woman be cunning (for I never yet met a man who could outdo a woman in the cunning game of love) and she may win all the hearts of the youths about her, and keep her virtue too.
"Shall I tell you how I managed? Listen well to me, and you will see how well I did.
"When these men - my swains - would come and stand near me at a party, or sit across from me at table, desiring nought more than my company, I would say in loud voice, 'Oh you fool! Why do you come here and wish to be seen in the same spot as I? Why, every woman here is better dressed and more finely tended than I am! Is this your doing? Have you so many mistresses that you must gather them all together at once and show them to each other? And I the last and least of them all! Drunk like a dog you are, to come sniveling to me for company at this late hour, while you have spent the better part of the day buying trinkets and fine silk handkerchiefs for every other woman, while I must put on my one good dress and poor plain bracelets to go with you to a party! Miserable wretch! Every woman here is admired more than I. Are they so alluring to you? Is this why you whisper to the men who serve the wine? So that all may have the best save me? Go, have your fill of their company, and do not scold me if I wish to talk to my friend Lord Basson over here - for why should you care?'
"'You say if a woman is poor than it is an ill thing to marry her - for the expense of one not used to finery is twice that of one accustomed to wealth (or so you say, old dotard!) - but if a woman is rich you say she thinks more of her appearance or of her position amongst her peers than of any man she has married, and so to be joined to her is a melancholy business!'
"'If a woman be pretty, then you say that all men want her, and thus why should you take what has been pressed by so many - like fruit, you say, old lecher! - that it is bruised beyond repair? You say she will be wanted for her figure, or her bright eyes, or glowing hair, or her small hands and feet, her breeding and charm, or her singing, or her dancing, and so (according to you, oh master of knavery!) if a woman is pretty, she must be going to the Devil! You say that even a walled city cannot last long under siege.'
"'But if a woman is ugly, then you say she chases men - any man at all! (every goose will have a gander, if she can, or so you say!) - for a woman always wants what she cannot get, and will fawn and whine and mewl all day until she finds one who will submit, and cling like a leech when she has won the battle. You think it is a trial to bridle that colt which no one is willing to ride.'
"'All these things you say when you stand next to me at a party - and that a wise man needs not to marry, if he wishes to go to Heaven! May God call fire down upon you, thou ill-bred dog!'
"'You say there are three reasons a man despises life - lack of money, lack of diversion, and loud women, and the presence of any one of these will sap a man's strength to the bone. I'faith, what is a man coming to when that is all the conversation he can think of?'
"'You say a woman is ever trying to hide her faults - unless you give her liberty, and then she shows them with a vengeance! Who is it that gave you the right to be so malicious?'
"'You say that even animals - Horses and Donkeys and Cattle and Dogs - all these are fully tried before they are bought, and also silverware and bowls and washing basins - but that a man cannot try a woman until she is his wife.
"'And this is why you say we then show our faults! Miserable old idiot! Is a woman a dog to be so kicked? Is a Wife a spoon, to be tossed into the swill when another has dirtied her?'
"'Furthermore, you say I want to be praised by you all day long, and that I tell you to care for my house and my carriage, and wish that you would spend hours just looking at me, telling me I have the eyes of an angel, or that I become upset if you do not call me "fair lady" constantly in public, and make a feast for me every month, and give gifts to my brother! You say all that, old liar!'
"'And yet you become jealous of my footman, if I spare a thought for him and buy him new shoes because he needed them, or paid for my butler to have his coat mended - you say I think more of them than I do of you! Why, were you to leave my side tomorrow, I would have no more nor less to do with them than I have now!'
"'But tell me, why do you hide your papers from me when I go into your office? What have you to hide that is worse than what you accuse me of? It is my name and life and limb as well as yours that you risk by your billet-doux, by God! Do you think you can hoodwink me? By all God's Mercy you cannot rule me until you rule yourself, an you were a saint in white robes! May God blind your eyes if you cannot rule both! What good is it to spy on me? I do believe you would like to make me into a piece of paper and fold me up into your pocket.'
"'You ought to say - "My sweet one, go - have a bright and merry time, see whom you wish and go where you will - I'll believe no gossip, for I know that you are a true woman, like the purest Daisy." You see we do not like a man who binds us unnecessarily - we like to have our liberty! Yet I put no binding on you, you notice. Nor do I withhold my smiles and soft words when you do well, do I? If a man has enough, he ought to share, and what harm are my friendships to you? You say I am like a cat - one who preens all day and runs about all night! That is to say - oh Sir Sourface - that I dress up only to go show off! What is this argument that you constantly make about finery and chastity? All the worse for you, for you have no proof of any slight against you, nor any claim to more of me!'
"'What is the use of spying on me? By my faith - a King with all his spies could not put a curb on me, unless I let him. I could fool the man, have no doubt of that!'
"'You also say that of the four worst things there are for a man to bear, an ill tempered or a hateful wife is the worst. Poor old dear, Sir Idiot! Can you not make a wise saying without dragging some poor Wife's name through the mud?'
"'And even more you compare a woman's love to Hell fire - a dry and barren land awash with blazing, and the more it burns, the more it wishes to devour, so that in time it consumes all else.
"'Just like too much wine destroys a man, so a wife will destroy her husband - so you say - and you say that any man tied to a wife will surely attest to this.'
"'Dear Fool!'
"You see this is the way I managed all my first three Swains, and they bowed to me, and brought me trinkets, and did all I asked of them (and it was not much, I'll vow). Lord, what I put them through, for all their fawning over me! I laugh even yet to think of it, God ha'mercy. Doubtless it is wrong of me to do so, for I know that many times I was at fault, and they were in the right, bless them. But I always got in the first word, if there was a complaint to be made, and "speak first, speak last" you know, so t'was only fair. After a month or two with me, they were glad enough to concede the battles before they had ever begun.
"I would berate the dear men about their conquests when they had three bottles of wine in them, and could scarcely stand. But this they did not mind, for every man likes to be regarded powerful in this area, and this they thought was my way of showing it! I would promise that all my own partygoing was only do discover his flock of mistresses, and you see, I had thus a free hand to be very merry in my own way. (You see, did I not tell you a woman had natural cunning in this game?) I can only boast of this - I got the best of all my Swains, in every particular, without fail, whether by cunning, or by wheedling, or in some other way, such as the complaints which you have already heard me tell of.
"They had it worst when we were alone, especially. For if they tried to coax or cajole, or in other ways beguile me, I tell you now I would have none of it! I would up and leave the room sometimes if they said two words together. I would not pour the coffee, nor listen to them puff away at stories. And when they paid me the bribe of some fair trinket, only then I did give ear to their gasconnades, and even then I would turn their words back upon them, like a pikestaff! I never did like old men - that is why I laughed at them, you see. Yet no matter how they glared (oh, some were as vicious as tigers with their eyes, by God!) I had it all my way in the end. They all thought it best to give me what rein I asked for.
"Then I would say, 'Observe, dear one, how meek and mild my spaniel is (you remember the brute he was when you gave him to me?) and what peace and joy we would have if you were like that to me always. He has sweetened his temper by his very being around me - why do you not do the same?', and then I would kiss their cheeks gently and say, 'You preach to me about the patience of Job, and so, I implore you, listen to your own counsel! Do you think to have all my mind and thought under your personal control? You cannot have such a thing of me, unless you have my body too! How shall you untie that riddle? Now I do not give my smile nor my gentle tones to any others - this you know - what more can you ask of me? I assure you that if I wished to sell my belle chose, I could keep myself in ten times the splendor that you see me now. But no, I keep my smiles and all my sweet words for you, and your greedy belly. If ought is wrong, then you're to blame, I have no doubt!'
"These are the kinds of words I had with them. Now, I shall tell you of my fourth Swain - and not only was he young and poor, he was also something of a reveler. That is to say his eyes wandered, or that he grazed in many pastures, or that he liked to cut notches on a post. "Goosey Goosey Gander, Upstairs, downstairs and in my lady's chamber"! You know what I mean by all this - simply, he was such a roué that I had no choice but to repay him for all his faults. And I did, Odds my life! Oh yes I did! Not, you see, by compounding his sins by committing my own, but truly I was so kind and happy in other men's company, that he often sat in his own cream with anger and jealous rage!
"I was his earthly Purgatory, of that you may be sure, for I was young, bright and passionate, besides being quite strong and stubborn, and very merry, especially after a glass of good Bordeaux (though none could ever say that I lost my head to drink. Very wise was the man who said a woman ought not to give herself to wine - what sorrow I might have encountered had I not heeded this advice!). S'faith! When I think back on all the merry parties and fair good times I had as a young woman, it warms the very cockles of my heart! Time, which burns out everything eventually, has of course, mellowed the fire, but be that as it may! I have had done with forges and the heat of new green wood. The sap is gone, God take it! The warm glow of coals shall serve for many a year yet, and I wager I shall be as happy in their dim red light as I was in the searing white light of the flames of my youth.
"Now let me see, where was I? Ah yes, my Fourth swain. Often he would feel the pinch (of the hangman's noose, to hear him complain) of my devised torments. But I hope that for this he may have Glory, for 'tis sure that I can have no more dealings with him now! Yes, for every slight he gave me, it was repaid in full. If the Judgement were to come tomorrow, neither he nor I would have one debt outstanding on this matter, we kept each other so on our toes. And maybe this was a folie à deux, you say? Perhaps it was, but that is another tale.
"It so happened once in Springtime, that he was called away to duties in the south, and left me in the north, to my own devices for over a month.
"Now I have always loved the Springtime, April's Lady as I am, and bless me if I did not go walking every day of that month! To my friend's houses, to the fields full of flowers, through forests, farms and all, I had a most merry Spring. I went near to ruin in shoe leather, and I cocked a snook to any who objected, for so help me I could do as I pleased!
"It was during this happy time that I met my fifth swain - and he was something else again, for he was young and rich, and what is more, I loved him. Perhaps it was for this that God made him the most troublesome of all my swains, for so he was and is - though now of course I call him Husband. But for all that I loved him, and no matter the trouble we had he never lost my favor completely, for he always knew my heart, God bless him!
"I believe I loved him best because at first he was standoffish towards me, and 'tis well you know the manner of women - deny us a thing and we are ever and more eager to have it; pursue us and we run as though it were thrown at our heads. When one sneers at our wares, we bring out our best, but when a crowd comes to our market the price is usually too high for most (as a great bargain has no value). Every wise woman knows this.
"Now I will tell you what happened to us. This fifth man (a Knight he was and all) walked together, and talked together, and in general got along so well that I (prudently, as you will see) told him that if I were a free woman, he would find me most amiable to a continuation of pleasantries. You see how I was as wise in love as in play? A bird must have more than one nest to fly to, and an unwise hen is not worth her weight in sand.
"I convinced the good man that he had enchanted me, that I could not stop thinking of him all the day, and dreamed of him all night (and for once, would you believe it, it was very nearly true!). In this way he was caught. All that Springtime I said to him that were I free to do so, he might marry me, but not an action could he take until I was free.
"So when at last my fourth swain threw me over for another he found more obliging, I made a great show of being furious - for this is what a woman scorned is supposed to do. I hemmed and hawed, and was disdainful to his new woman, and in general acted the shrew to its fullest perfection. But as I had already obtained another beau, (you see how prudent I was?) I did no secret weeping, nor was my heart torn in two.
"What should I say? After some time (it was a little as could possibly be) this man (a fair and goodly Knight was he) married me in a church, with as much ceremony as could be hastily got together. And I gave him all my goods and land and gold, and all my heart and soul too. Afterward, truly, I had cause to regret this, for he was a man as stubborn as I, and verily he would not agree with me on any matter for many a month. Once, when I had cause to go into his office, I saw his sealing ring, and he very nearly got us both killed.
"Shall I tell you how it was that I was nearly killed for a ring? Very well, I shall tell you truly.
"Now you must know that my husband was a jeunesse dorée of great renown, and all day long his occupation was to tell stories - the sillier the better - and to laugh at them, with the Court of the Prince, and to do nothing else, for hours on end. I knew no other occupation for him, I certainly did not know he had another, for even in my presence he would tell the most silly yet amusing stories that I could not believe his mind was filled with anything else.
"Then, one day, I chanced to ask him for a Favour - not much, but only to save my brother's life - and he went on telling stories, being silly, and having nothing in his head, so much so that I nearly despaired the next morning when I found him gone from our home. So, for one moment I disobeyed him, and went into his office (a place he had heretofore kept from me, and I let him, for the place did not interest me) and it was there that I found out that he did not trust me in any way as a husband should, and had two lives - and to top it off, the one he led with me was by far the less honourable one. His signet ring had an honourable name on it, and he was living with me in an empty lie!
"What else could I do but follow the scoundrel into whatever scheme he had gone (for I saw then that he indeed was off to save my brother) and try as I might to save the silly man from his own devices? How could I know that he was past master in this occupation (he called it an Honour and an Adventure, but to me it was mere Danger) and that my involvement could bring death to us both?
"I will say that he Conducted himself most admirably during the whole Ordeal, and our common enemy gave him more stripes upon his back for his bravery than I would ever have given him for his mistrust of me.
"You see how much better it would have been for all if he had seen fit to tell me of all this, and mayhap have averted all the trouble before it started, and after this I began to demand that he give up this double life, and give his honour and his praise to me, and I would give him all my love in return (as easy promise, for he already had it, as you know).
"And for all the times he refused me, I made him tell me yes, eventually, for at last (after much trouble) we made up, and the two of us have been happy ever since. My husband said to me "Here, dear wife, is my life and Honour, you guard them, as I shall do with yours - let us trust one another." By this you see I had gained a master stroke, and henceforth I had him by the hand (though of course this means he has me by the hand also) and we had done with arguments. So help me God, I am as good and gentle to him as any Wife could be - from the East Indies to the Western ones - and he is faithful to me and I to him. May God in Heaven bless his Soul.
"And now I'll tell my tale, an it please ye."
- Here Ends the Preamble