Lalala! My first semester at the Uni is about to end an that's kinda sad. But more that sad it is quite relieving! Winter break, here I come! Yeah! *falls asleep*
…zzz…zzz… Huh? What? Oh, yeah, I forgot! The fic! XD *wipes saliva away from her face* Ahem…this is for Julye loves Lavi, Ju-ju, who was such a big support (yeah, you were, believe it or not n.n) for me at this first semester because she was always chatting with me as HW tried to kill me. Besides, I wanted to write something for her ever since I met her, but inspiration hadn't come to me u.u I love you, Ju-ju! Thanks for all! n.ñ Songfic, RxK, shounen ai. Pretty sad. Sorry the song asked me to write it that way (All I need by Within Temptation). Don't think you can stand it? Then please turn around and come back when you think you can XD
Spelling or grammar mistakes might be up ahead!
I don't own anything. Nor the song, or the characters. Boo!
X X X
Human being's existence in this world is merely ephemeral. It dances weakly just as a candlelight and consumes itself as time passes by.
Things and people…nothing can exist if it hasn't got a name to be called with. There's always the need of something that describes it, so everyone knows about its place between us, so it can be part of our concepts and our context…
But I have no name. Not a real one, at least…
Does that mean I don't exist then?
It may be true. That's pretty much the reason why I haven't got one. I'm not supposed to exist. My whole life is based only on lies and the thing that makes a lie be one is that it isn't real… As brief as any other human being's, as temporary as any other thing. I'm what I am now because this is the one I have to be… And as soon as the light of my candle…no, my alias' light consumes its candle, he will die and I'll go on…as though nothing had ever happened…as though all those people that I had met at that moment had just died along the latest name.
It ain't as different as it is to any other person…
They get born and die every second…
I simply save myself the use of bodies wearing masks and using different names for history's sake. Those are my tools of the trade along with ink and paper. They're the only ones that will stay with me, not mattering how many times I change my name. Just as the Panda. Until the time comes for me to take over his place. I've got no family, no friends and feelings are justa simple word written in ink with no real meaning to me…
Why? Because that's my life's story. The one anybody will ever remember, even though I'll be the one recording the others'…
Because I'm a Bookman and that's how it's supposed to be. Cold and friendly as always, innit?
Too bad it's already too late. Fate is a spoiled child that loves to play and can be cruel sometimes… And the problem is it chose me now as its favourite toy.
Happy times are over. Although I'm not that sure there were any.
The game is set.
And it's Fate's play time.
X X X
Stars twinkled weakly up above in the sky that covered the Black Order's Headquarters as little, blue glowing dots. Their light seemed to fight fruitlessly against the flowing darkness that expanded as the sun died in a bloody-red shade at the horizon. There was a boy inside a bedroom located in the old building and he seemed to be quite uneasy. His bright red-head shined under the moon's intense light that entered the room through the window, but his only emerald green eye lacked of its usual carefree and happy glow. He tilted his head upwards; his voice consumed in the middle of his throat. Thoughts arouse inside his head colliding one against the others, making it heavier and even more difficult to keep calm as confusion slowly wrapped its long tentacles around his chest, filling it with sorrow, pain and hopelessness. Silence showered him too and the dark atmosphere wasn't helping either, except for the fact that it represented perfectly how desperate and scared he was to do what he was meant to…
It wasn't supposed to be that way.
Why did it hurt so damn much? He had done it plenty of times already, hadn't he? And it did hurt then, but nothing compared to this. After a while, he would always cheer up and leave the others behind.
But why was he so sure that he wouldn't be able to leave these people as easily as he did with the other? Why was he fighting against the Panda, his Destiny and Junior so much the last few months? It was because of them, obviously…was there any other reason?
Yeah, there was. The only person he was planning to tell. The only person that mattered even more than the others or his very own future... The one that was above them all and the only one that could make him doubt whether he'd leave or stay and live as an exorcist for the rest of his life just to be by his side…
He linked his hands together and pressed them against his closed mouth, thinking seriously what he was about to do (that was absolute non sense). After a long sigh he stood up and walked his way to Kanda Yuu's bedroom, still arguing inside his head with Junior.
X X X
"They'll all die…"
"So what? I could die with them?"
"You agree that would give the Panda even more trouble?"
"Yeah, I know. But I can live with that…"
"It's not a fine way to pay someone that took you in when no one would've done so… Besides, you had a reason to become a Bookman, don't you remember?"
"That was Junior's reason. I'm Rabi now. Did you forget it?"
"Why did you have to think it so much and screw it up? All the things we had to pass through 48 times…and you're just telling me you're going to throw it somewhere to live Rabi's life?"
"If he asks me to do so, then I will. I definitely will…"
X X X
"What is it, then?" his rough, oriental voice came to him through the darkness that shrouded the room. Rabi could tell he was kind of worried, even though Yuu's voice never showed any feeling he didn't think necessary. The eye-patched boy had developed a sixth sense that told him what mood Kanda was in.
Those years knowing him helped their relationship much.
Rabi's eye was fixed on a random point inside the room. The coldness and thick atmosphere along with the sudden rush of thoughts that popped inside his head as fireworks and the strange lack of voice he experimented made it harder to breathe.
I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust though I've surely tried to
Turn it around
Kanda was already near him. He obliged the red-head to stare into his dark blue orbs. Rabi was still lost in his thoughts. Junior couldn't understand. What the hell was he, Rabi, about to do? Hadn't he learnt anything? What was that the Panda told him? 'Don't get yourself involved by the war. You're not an exorcist…' Was Rabi some kind of idiot? If Junior couldn't trust himself, he couldn't trust anybody. So, it looked as though now he had no one to trust in. Rabi was so stubborn and so damn keen on telling someone…if not, he would explode. He needed to let it out; he needed to see it under a new light. He needed to be heard…he needed to be understood, to feel somebody's support, to be certain he was doing the right thing.
He needed to feel he wasn't alone.
"Oi, baka usagi…" he heard Yuu calling by the nickname he had given him in his mother tongue. That snapped the confused Bookman apprentice out of his thoughts and made him smile lightly, even though he still didn't know if it was a truthful one or just some strangely gained reflex. When he blinked to return to reality, he found the Japanese boy's intense gaze. As though he was trying to see through the green eye that stared back at him to go beyond so he could understand (even if he didn't want to accept it) what was happening to him.
It was then when Rabi's lips parted and dared to ask in a whisper:
"Can you see it? Kanda frowned, incomprehensively. He raised an eyebrow trying to figure out what was he talking about. He was sure he had seen pain in his green orb…no trace of the usual mischievous sparkle he used to have in it. Of course, he had tried to go further… But there was something. A wall that blocked anything else from sight.
Was that what he wanted him to see?
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace
But before he could even ask what was he supposed to see, his lover threw himself to the long-haired boy's arms and pleaded in a voice he had never, ever, heard him use:
"Hug me…please…" that surprised Kanda the most. Although Rabi usually asked him to do so, regularly he used some kind of pout or sweet tune to try and convince him to do it or he usually drove him mad before he ended up doing as the other wanted just to be left alone. That's why he got so shocked…
He was seriously asking him to hug him.
And he mechanically agreed without retorting anything. Maybe it was because he was so shocked. Meanwhile, Rabi was still thinking hard and Junior wanted to shoot himself.
Don't tear me down
For all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now
Don't let it close
"I'm such an idiot" he said as he let out a half-hearted laugh. His voice still was nowhere to be found. It was more like a hoarse, tuneless sound that left his raw throat instead of his lungs. All he needed was that: Yuu had accepted to hold him so easily that he would've sworn it wasn't him. However, that embrace made him feel a lot better. Why? Because it was his, Kanda Yuu's. No one else's. It was him the one that, somehow, had been able to evade all his heart's barriers… Because he was the only one that turned his usual smiling mask into a real smile and also because he had been the only person that could turn Rabi's curiosity and mischievous flirts into something…real…
Because, apart from his coldness and indifference to the things concerning anybody else, Kanda Yuu seemed to answer…to correspond his feelings and that was something important and strange for both of them.
It was the first time they loved someone that much…and that they were loved back. It was a weird but nice feeling. Even so, they got used to it soon enough. The problem was…Rabi's time was running out. It was now or never…
I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning around
"What did he tell you?" asked Kanda after a long moment of silence. Their steady breathings were the only sound that could be heard in the cold room. Outside, the wind rocked the trees as though they were babies that rustled together trying to fall asleep with a lullaby performed by the restless crickets. Rabi gulped and kept quiet for a while. The ebony haired boy that was hugging him went on "You weren't like this at noon. And you suddenly disappeared the whole afternoon. Now you're here and you ask for things you'd usually ask for smirking and bouncing stupidly as the baka usagi you are…" Rabi let out another laugh at that.
"So, you actually noticed?" he asked a bit touched with the comment. But he couldn't resist and then he added in a sarcastic tune "Jeez… Is Yuu going tender-hearted?" that earned him a fist connecting hard against his ribs.
"Stop making fun of me, bastard… Must I remind you who's the one crying here?" and then, as though his eye had just been waiting for him to say so, he felt something wet going down his eye, across his cheek and disappearing as soon as it got to his chin.
Damn, that was the thing that crowned it all.
"Shit…" said Rabi, lifting his gaze, as attempt to stop his eye from shedding more stupid tears. "It wasn't supposed to be this way…" he said aloud, letting go of his lover and stood close to the window. Behind him, the Asian teen crossed his arms in front of his own chest and asked yet again:
"So, what happened? What did he tell you?"
Rabi tried to get some time. He drew a grimace on his face as though his inside self didn't let him smile properly… Almost as if he had just forgotten how to do it. His voice regained a bit of firmness and also some of his usual tune.
"Who told me what? No one told me anything…"
"Stop playing fool with me." Kanda interrupted him, sternly. The red-head just closed his eye and turned around to face the other teen once more.
"You didn't… answer the question I asked you before…" Rabi replied, almost in a pleading way. Kanda raised an eyebrow and the green-eyed boy explained his point, parting his dry lips and keeping his voice as still as he could. "When you look into my eye, what do you see?"
"What do I see?" repeated Yuu, confused. Rabi simply nodded and said as he stared right into those icy, dark blue orbs:
"Yeah…what do you see?" and it was then when, somehow, Kanda could see it. As though Rabi had just granted him permission to go deeper and deeper and dive into that only emerald green eye which now sparkled with the tears he was trying so hard to keep inside himself. The wall disappeared. All that was left was that red-head, his heart and Kanda Yuu…
But what was that he saw?
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace
It was a chaos and he could see it. Clearer than ever. Pain, sorrow, confusion, sadness, anger, hatred…all the feelings he saw inside were swirling together slowly. How come he had never seen all that before? Why was that he never saw that lack of brightness that had nothing to do with the usual (and apparently) fake brightness it usually had? Why was that he could now feel that strange emptiness....how hollow he seemed to be now?
Maybe because when they were together Rabi always seemed to have a wide happy smile on his face… because his eye was always twinkling in amusement when he was bothering him, Kanda, or it could be also because he usually made it look as though he was always happy…. As though nothing could make him stop smiling or feel miserable…
But now this pain…it was something harder to explain.
And then, one added one and it was two.
Kanda's orbs opened widely and then he let out in a barely hearable whisper:
"You're leaving…" Rabi just sighed, trying not to show how much of an impact his words made inside his head. He made it feel even more real. There was a long pause and then…
"That's all you're gonna say…?" he asked, making a huge effort to keep smiling at that. His head tilted to the right, sweetly. Kanda blinked as he put a hand on his hip and then answered with another question.
"What did you want me to say, then?"
His apparent indifference to the situation hurt Rabi the most. But it wasn't indifference. It was just that he didn't know how to react. He knew Rabi had to leave sometime… And he wanted him to stay, but he was no one to force him to do so if the red-head was convinced of the path he had to follow. It hurt him…but he couldn't ask him to dump all his life's work to stay there with him. It would be…selfish.
The problem was the Bookman Junior wasn't sure whether he wanted to be that anymore.
His smile was still put up on his face as he shrugged.
"Well, maybe another hug to try and make me feel better… Or maybe a 'Don't leave because I love you' …" his voice was breaking a little bit. "Maybe you can tell me everything will be OK because you'll be with me…by my side, always and…" he paused. He tried to hold back again as his eye started filling with tears once again. "Shit…but I think I'm asking way too much, ain't I? You're Kanda Yuu after all…how the hell did I think you could tell me that…? Heh…" he hid his face behind his hands. He now tilted his head upwards and turned to the only window that was in that poorly ornamented bedroom, trying to drink back those damn teardrops. He felt so stupid… It was so awkward. Loneliness took a hold of his chest and pressed it hard as if wanting his heart to die. Just the very thing that Junior had been trying to do for so long…
But it hurt…
Don't tear me down
For all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down
What's left of me
Make my heart a better place
And he let out so quick that Junior couldn't do anything to stop him from saying it:
"I just want you to tell me you don't want me to leave, fuck! Give me something to hold hard against myself when I go and tell the Panda I don't want to go on because I've found you! Tell me something that make me think and really believe that it's worth feeling this thing that I'm experimenting now because I'm scared of what I'm going to do! Make me think…" his eye couldn't stand the tears anymore. He let them fall freely as he was so in an emotional state now. He felt like a little child crying that way and about that, covering his face with his hands. He already knew he couldn't have that… Why was he so keen in asking him to do so? His voice lost the usual carefree tune it used to have. And Kanda just watched, shocked, how that boy was shattering in tears. "…make me think I'm taking the right decision…"
I've tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away
Don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down…
"I can't…" he heard him answering. His voice was as calmed as always. Rabi couldn't believe that, but, at the same time, his voice tranquilized him. He took his hands off his face. Something in the air told him he wasn't lying when he said that. He stared at Yuu, but the aforesaid was looking somewhere else. "I can't tell you this is fine, because it isn't… You are a Bookman apprentice, Rabi…" that made him gasp. Hearing Yuu telling him that was really shocking. He wasn't expecting that, he didn't see it coming. But he saw it clearer now, as tough it had just turned into something bearable. He blinked to the Asian boy, still astounded but a bit more calmed and heard him going on. "You know what you are supposed to do to get where and what you want to. You decided to become this. You can't betray your own dreams. If you did it for me I would think of myself as an obstacle. You had a reason to make this decision of life long before you met me and I was aware that you had to leave someday. I won't ask you to stay because this is the path you chose, the promise you made to yourself. Besides you already know how much I hate the people that don't keep their promises. And I'd hate it more if I knew you were one of them…"
Don't tear me down
For all I need
Make my heart a better place
And Rabi suddenly understood. His lips curled up into the first sweet, light truthful smile he gave in the whole night as he closed his eye and nodded comprehensively.
"You can't hate me…" he said through a muffled voice. Kanda stared at him at last and raised an eyebrow.
"Of course I can. I'm hating you now…"
"No, you aren't. You love me. That's why you're telling me this…"
"Chih…" he let out. Rabi went near him again, placed his arms around the Japanese's waist and pulled his thin but muscular body closer his own. Kanda did nothing to answer back the hug and the red-head understood that too.
Don't tear me down
For all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe…
He held Yuu's face with his hands and kissed his lips tenderly.
"I love you. And I always will. Not mattering how many lives I have to live. Please don't forget me…and forgive me for leaving you this way…"
Don't tear it down
What's left of me…
"Don't worry… I won't be missing you…" Kanda's voice sounded weird. Rabi just smiled and hugged him tighter.
Make my heart a better place…
Next day there were no Bookmen left at the Black Order's building…
Make my heart a better place…
…And a lonely tear went down a young man's face…
X X X
That was it. I told you it was sad. Tears, tears, tears (I almost make myself cry! How did I even dared to make Rabi cry? T.T). Sorry, Ju-ju, I couldn't give it a happy ending u.u Or it might be, depending how you see it n.ñ Rabi's going to continue his dream of becoming a Bookman and he'll have his Yuu-chan always in his heart *runs and kills herself* X.X OK, bad excuse u.u Anyways, I think they might be a bit OCC, but the song, the atmosphere, desperation, sadness and angst deserved that! Don't kill me, plz *runs away before getting lynched* Review if you wanna and if you don't, it's OK too n.n;