I Thought

By: Hitokiri Musei

Rated: T

Summary: Inspired by a picture. Grimmjow learns that there's more to life, and Ichigo is the one to teach him. But when Aizen hears of Grimmjow's weakness… GrimmIchi, some OOC action.

Warnings: Yaoi, obviously. As said in the summary, this was inspired by a picture I found on the net of Grimmjow basically wrapped around Ichigo, coat and all. I can't tell you the artist, cause I found it on Photobucket, but I give credit to that unknown artist for that beautiful picture.

There will probably be quite a lot of OOC action in this, as Grimmjow is hard for me to write as just an uptight asshole. Besides, we all know that he's a big softie under all that tough… Anywho, please forgive that for the sake of an adorable yet sad story.

I don't own Bleach or the picture that inspired this one-shot.

I don't think that I will ever be able to forget that moment.

Even all these years later, that second of time will never leave me, no matter how hard I try to push it from my memories, no matter how hard I try to replace it with his face as it is now.

I will never forget the blood that covered his slender body, the scars along his skin, the sight of him lying there before me. I hadn't known that he was here; I hadn't known that Aizen had found him.

But Aizen had found my weakness, and he had exploited it to the fullest.

I was never sure why I started going to the real world. I suppose it was because I was bored, on some level. Hueco Mundo got pretty monotonous after a while, and the human world was a sort of change of pace. Besides that, I knew that Ichigo was there, and he was always fun to fight.

We fought often and hard, and after a while it got to the point where I came just to see him. I think that I surprised him the first time that I told him that I didn't want to fight. He had stared at me for a long time and then laughed, pointing his sword towards me.

"Don't make jokes, Grimmjow, come on, let's fight."

I had managed to convince him though, and we had ended up spending the whole day just talking. It had been… refreshing on some level. He asked what my life was like before Aizen, and I told him all that I could remember of my past. He drank up every drop of information with gleaming chocolate eyes, curious and wondering.

My visits grew more often, and it wasn't long before he even left the window open for me at night. Things began to change, and he took on a different light in my eyes. I never could remember exactly when it happened, but all I can remember is that one night I found myself thinking about how beautiful he was.

One night when I came, he had already fallen asleep. I came to the window as usual, hopping through to land on the floor with the lightest of sounds. I then turned, my eyes moving to his sprawled form.

He was lying on his side on his mattress, one arm stretched out towards me, the other resting against his bare stomach. The night was warm, and he was shirtless beneath the thin sheet that covered him up to his slender hips. I smiled at the contrast between the blue of his pillow and the spilling orange strands of his hair, my eyes moving to his tanned face.

The moon gave him a glowing silvery look in the night, highlighting his features. His face was smooth and unworried, and for the first time since I had met him, I realized that he really was just 15 years old, still a child.

He was so beautiful.

I had knelt beside his bed and leaned forward, kissing his parted lips softly. As I leaned away, I met chocolate eyes, and then his hand gently pulled me forward, our lips connecting once more.

It was that night that Ichigo showed me another side of myself. He gave me a glimpse into the person that I was, the imperfection of myself, and the gentleness that I could have. Violence was not exactly a full part of who I was; it was simply something that I had needed to survive as a Hollow in Hueco Mundo. But here, with Ichigo, I didn't need that violence and hate.

With Ichigo, I could be me. He gave me a place and a reason to be who I really was, and to open up to someone for the first time in my life.

There had been fucking before, it was nothing I was a stranger to. I knew the pleasure of sex, and I often looked for it as a way out of the blandness of Hueco Mundo. But that night, I learned how to make love. And it was Ichigo's soft moans, gentle touches, and warm kisses that showed me the way.

Ichigo helped me to do something that I had never thought possible for any Hollow, let alone myself. I was Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, I didn't care for anyone but myself. I was violent, antisocial, and mean. But Ichigo changed that.

He gave me a reason to fall in love.

And I fell for him hard. I wanted to be with him just for the sake of being in his presence. I wanted to make him happy, even if it meant that I wouldn't be happy. And more than anything, I didn't want to hurt him. We still had our fights and scraps, of course, but now they happened without hurting each other. I never wanted a reason to hurt him again.

Unfortunately, Aizen had noticed that I had been to the human realm.

And things were about to change.

It was sudden and swift.

Ichigo was just suddenly gone.

I came to his window one night, after I had been away for a few weeks, just like I always had, and he wasn't there. His bed was empty, the sheets a little mussed, but otherwise untouched. His room was barren, and there was no sign of his reiatsu anywhere. I felt a little confusion, but no worry. After all, I knew better than anyone that Ichigo could take care of himself.

So I left, paying it no mind.

I went back the next night, but again his room was empty. This time I felt a little bit of worry, but again I didn't pay it too much mind. Ichigo must have just gone to the Soul Society or something.

It wasn't until the other shinigami showed up in Hueco Mundo looking for him that I panicked.

He was missing.

According to what I heard from the short black-haired woman, he had been gone for nearly 2 months. He had just vanished one night, leaving everyone confused and worried. I felt a pang in my heart when I realized that I hadn't even known that, that I hadn't even realized that my lover was gone.

Since they thought that he was in Hueco Mundo, I started to look around while trying to make sure that no one noticed.

Aizen, however, had a tendency to know everything that went on.

He called me to his throne room one day, sending a Fraccion to find me. I thought nothing of it; Aizen tended to do this whenever he had something that he wanted to talk to one of the Espada about.

I stood in front of him, glaring up at him. "What is it, Aizen-sama?" I hissed out his name as though it burned; I had never been fond of the man.

His smirk sickened me, and I felt my stomach churn at the look in his eyes. "Why Grimmjow, I believe that we have something that you've been searching for. I think that it's about time that we return it to you."

I frowned at that, but then my eyes were drawn to Ulquiorra, who walked forward carrying a bundle under his right arm. He was emotionless as always, and then he threw the bundle forward, keeping a hold of the blanket.

A body rolled out of his grasp, colliding with the floor and sliding towards me, the floor giving off a squeak as it did. I winced in sympathy for the burn that was no doubt produced from that, and then my eyes widened and my jaw dropped as I realized who was lying before me.

Ichigo.

He was lying on his right side, his arms stretched towards me and his face turned towards mine, his body naked except for a pair of ratty shorts that barely covered his dignity. Blood covered his body, coming from cuts and wounds that laced his body. The expanse of scars was terrifying, and I felt my throat swell up as I noticed that he was so thin I could count every rib. His normally beautiful smooth lips were chapped and broken, bloody. Even his brilliant hair was dull, matted to his head with sweat and blood. His skin was frighteningly pale, and his lips and fingers were tinged blue.

The worst part though, was his eyes. His eyes were staring up at me, blank, emotionless, completely dead. His gaze went straight through me.

"Ichigo…" the word slipped from my mouth against my will, and I fell to my knees, my hands reaching towards him. My fingers shook as I touched them to his neck, jerking away when I felt no beat of life beneath the ice cold skin. "Ichigo… No…" I refused to believe it, but even his oppressive reiatsu was gone, the force that I could always feel.

He had vanished completely.

"I'm displeased with you, Grimmjow. You went to the human realm without permission, and you consorted with the enemy. This is your punishment; your lover tortured and killed right under your nose." I looked to Aizen with wide eyes, meeting his smirking face. "Does that pain you? To know that he was but three doors away from your own quarters?"

My mouth worked soundlessly, my eyes turning back to Ichigo's dead brown eyes.

"I only wish you could have heard how he screamed for you…" Aizen murmured sadistically, a gleam in his eyes. "He cried for you to save him so often. Of course that would end when his voice was too shattered to make a sound…"

The roar that escaped me was loud and sharp, and my blade met Ulquiorra's as I dove for Aizen. I barely remembered drawing Pantera, let alone rising to my feet. "Aizen…" I snarled, my eyes burning. "I'll kill you."

He merely stared at me impassively, but I growled; I had no time for him. I didn't have a chance as I was right now, and I knew it. My vengeance would have to wait.

I whirled, sheathing Pantera in a flash and walking to Ichigo's body, carefully slipping my arms beneath his frightfully skinny frame. Cradling him to my chest, I stepped into sonido and left the room, heading for my own quarters.

Knowing that I probably didn't have much time until Ulquiorra or Aizen himself came for me, I tried to spend the last few moments I had making Ichigo comfortable. Some part of my brain sneered that it didn't matter anymore, that Ichigo was gone, but I pushed my Hollow nature aside.

I lay him carefully on my bed, making sure that he was stretched out in a comfortable position. His skin was dry as I ran my fingers down his jutting cheekbone and across his sunken cheek, tracing the familiar lines of his jaw. He was cold beneath my touch, unmoving. I felt something inside of me wrench, though I didn't know what.

Ichigo had never exactly been a small person; in fact, he was rather large for his age, tall and broad shouldered with large calloused hands. But now, with all of the life sucked out of him, his ribs jutting out painfully and all of his weight nearly gone, he was so tiny. It seemed to me as though I could hold him in my hands, he was so small.

My hand shook as I reached up, gently closing his eyelids. My hand stayed where it was for a moment, and I lowered my head, pressing my forehead against his shoulder. I shivered, my other hand slipping to find his. I wrapped my fingers around his limp, bony hand, squeezing tightly with shaking limbs.

"Ichigo…"

I pressed my forehead against his bony shoulder, trying to still my shaking body, trying to calm myself down. Something warm moved down my skin, I raised a hand and touched it to my face to find it wet.

Tears… I didn't know… that I could cry…

I choked, losing all restraint and reaching out, wrapping my arms around his thin body and clutching him to my chest. His head fell back, and I pressed my wet face against his throat, sobs tearing from me with an intensity that I didn't know I had.

The only person that I had ever loved was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I lay him back down carefully, brushing a hand over his orange hair before standing, wrapping a hand around the hilt of Pantera and heading towards the door. Aizen would pay for what he had done, and I would be the one to drive my blade through his smirking face.

I heard a few of the echoing screams from around me, and I ran a hand through my sweat and blood-soaked hair, pushing it off my dirty face. Luck had been on my side; the shinigami had shown up almost as soon as I had left my room, and with that destructive power distracting everyone, I had made my way straight to Aizen, who was fighting the old shinigami with the rather frightening fire zanpaktou.

I had been content to watch for a few moments, but I had seen my chance and taken it. Aizen had been pinned down, but about to get away. A second later my blade had been driven through his forehead, and the tyrant, sadistic man was no more.

In payment for my help, the old shinigami didn't condemn me to death with the rest of the Espada, he left me alone. I turned heel and left the room, going back to my own to collect Ichigo's body. As much as I wanted to keep him with me, he needed a proper burial, and his friends deserved to know what had happened to him.

There wasn't really anything else that I could do for him.

I heard the gasps and cries as I walked out into the room full of shinigami. Ichigo was curled up against my chest, his head resting against my shoulder and his arm hanging limply. I went to stand before the short black-haired woman, knowing that she was rather close to my Ichigo. I knelt, laying him gently on the floor before staring up at her.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't strong enough to protect him."

And then I was gone, using sonido to escape there as fast as I could. I didn't want to see what would happen next, and I didn't want to have to watch their faces as they realized that Ichigo was gone.

Months flew by, and I found myself feeling more and more worthless. I didn't know what to do with myself now that Aizen was gone, and with Ichigo's death. There was nothing more for me to live for.

I spent my time in the basement of that man Urahara; he had been the first one to extend the offer to me to get out of the dreary emptiness of Hueco Mundo. I had taken the offer after a few moments; I just couldn't stay in Hueco Mundo anymore. I gave them the excuse of it was too boring, not wanting to ruin my tough exterior, but that wasn't the only reason.

In reality, I wanted to escape the memory of that castle looming in the distance.

I may have been a violent individual while under the command of Aizen, but as I said before, it was the only way to survive. If you weren't violent and tough in Las Noches, you were killed. It was the only way to live.

But before the coming of Aizen, we had all lived on the sands of Hueco Mundo without care. We were solitary creatures more often than not, so we never really saw each other. When we did, a fight would generally ensure, but that wasn't always the case. Aizen had come to our world and ripped apart our way of life, leaving us left with nothing but our hate.

Now that he was gone, life seemed… empty. Especially now that most of the Espada were dead, I only knew of myself and Neliel, wandering the sands out there somewhere with her Fraccion.

So I went to the human realm, staying in that cavern of a basement that Urahara had. I spent my days destroying things and thinking, remembering back to the time when Ichigo had still been alive.

I missed him. Even though I would probably never admit it to anyone but myself, I missed him terribly. I sighed, leaning back against the rock that I had recently blown up.

My eyes flashed open as I felt another presence enter the large basement, going to the ladder that I could faintly see in the distance. I didn't see anyone, but I could feel the reiatsu of someone who seemed… vaguely familiar.

I frowned, pushing myself to my feet and starting to walk towards the ladder, curious as to whom this person was that I couldn't identify. My hand snuck down to draw Pantera, not wanting to be caught unawares by someone I didn't recognize. My senses flared and I struck, my sword colliding with metal.

"Hey, come on now Grimmjow! Is that any way to greet me?"

That voice…

My eyes were wide, staring at the face in front of me. My hands shook where they held my sword, and the blades rattled together.

A smile spread across Ichigo's face, his chocolate eyes shimmering faintly as he stared at me over the thin blade of his bankai. The pressure on my blade lessened as he started to straighten up, his face softening into a look of concern. "Grimmjow?"

Pantera clattered to the ground and Ichigo gasped sharply as I lunged forward, wrapping myself around him as tightly as I could. My arms went nearly all the way around him, touching my own shoulders as I buried my face against his shoulder.

His arms hesitantly snuck around my ribcage, beneath the white cloth of my jacket. I grabbed the jacket, wrapping it around him as well, wanting him to be as close as I could possibly get him. The feel of the rough cloth of his coat against my chest, his warm breath against the back of my neck where his chin was against my taller shoulder, the calloused warmth of his hands against my back; it all told me what I wanted to know.

This is real… He's really here…

"Grimmjow? You're shaking."

I clutched him a little tighter. "I thought you were dead…" I managed to whisper. "I thought you were gone… I thought…"

He leaned away from my chest, shaking his head slightly. "But I'm not. I'm right here. You're bringing me to the others saved me."

Confusion tinged my senses. "You were so cold. Your reiatsu, it was gone! You were dead, I know you were!"

Another smile spread across his face. "I suppose you could say that I was. My Hollow knew that the only way to get Aizen to stop, the only way for us to survive what was going on, was to give the idea that we were dead. So he hid me away, and my body shut down. In a sense I was dead, but Unohana-san went in and pulled me back from where my Hollow had hidden me."

"You're okay?" I whispered, still a little in shock.

He nodded. "Yea. I'm okay. I'm alive."

I touched his face gently, stroking the soft strands of his orange hair. He pressed his cheek into the palm of my hand, trying to reassure me that he was really there, that he was okay. My eyes scanned his body, and I gently touched what I could see of his chest through his robes; his ribs were still visible. "You're still too skinny." I murmured.

He grinned. "That's a pretty simple fix. Everything else is healed though. I just need to put on some weight." He tilted his head. "Now come on, where the Grimmjow that I know and love? You were never this… sentimental."

A growl thundered in my chest and I slammed him backwards against the rock, careful not to throw my full weight against his skinny body. I didn't want to hurt him; my mate was just too breakable at this point. I claimed his mouth roughly, kissing him thoroughly and leaving him gasping and his lips swollen.

"Don't you ever…" I snarled. "Don't you ever do that to me again."

He smiled, his nose bumping my cheekbone as he nuzzled me. "I'll try." His smile morphed into a grin, his chocolate eyes shining. "And here I thought you were just a big tough jerk."

I couldn't help but return the grin. "For everyone but you, Ichigo. Everyone but you."