DISCLAIMER: They're not mine. If they were, I'd do something about that collar, and those damned sideburns.
TITLE: A Day Of Firsts.
SUMMARY: A witch's curse has swapped Dean and Cas into each other's bodies, but Sam is preparing to undo the curse. There's just one trifling matter to be taken care of until he can collect the items he needs. He can't believe how lightly they've gotten off, but for some reason, Dean doesn't see it that way.
RATING: T. Because themes and words.
BLAME: Lies with a bad night's sleep, mind-altering medications, mind-numbingly boring meetings, and the Denizens who kept pestering me to find out what would happen if Dean and Cas swapped bodies in the Jimiverse.
A Day Of Firsts
Sam sat at the small table, resolutely staring at his laptop, and trying to screen out the conversation going on behind him. Well, conversation was perhaps not the most accurate description. Maybe 'one sided screaming match' might've been closer. It was not the first time he had been left completely bemused, bewildered and befogged by his brother's behaviour.
"Castiel, you touch it, you even think about touching it, you even start to consider touching it, and I swear to you, I will fucking end you!"
It was not the first time that he'd heard Dean threaten an angel, either.
"I will find a way, you flying dick, I will find a way to make you beg for death! I will make what Lucifer did to you look like a yum-yum massage with happy ending!"
It was, however, the first time he'd ever heard Dean threaten an angel in a high-pitched, panicked shriek.
"I will turn you into a multidimensional wavelength of celestial OUCH, Cas!"
And that was another first; Dean had never swapped bodies with an envesselled angel before.
"Dean, please calm yourself," came the measured response from the angel. "There is no need to distress yourself."
"Distress myself?" Dean yelped. "Distress myself? The only person who's distressing me here is you, Cas! That is some serious Dean distressing you're pulling, here!"
"Dean, I think perhaps you may be over-reacting," Castiel tried again in a reasonable tone. "I realise that this situation is probably more difficult for you than it is for me, as you are accustomed to think of your own body as the only one you have, whereas I experience the phsyical form of a vessel as a more external type of conveyance, if you will..."
"Well, it's not your 'conveyance' you're currently driving, pal, just remember that," growled Dean.
Reluctantly Sam turned around. The disconcerting mismatch of voices was difficult enough – looking at them made it even worse. "So," he began, trying to sound hopeful without sounding amused, because he really wasn't, well okay, maybe he had been just a bit to start with, when Dean had realised that he was even shorter than Sam and had very messy hair and was dressed like a tax accountant, and watching 'Dean' do the Castiel head-tilt of incomprehension had been pretty funny, yeah, but he wasn't amused any more, seriously, "So, I, er, think I've figured out what she did," he told them.
"You figured out what she did?" Dean repeated dangerously in Jimmy Novak's voice, "You figured out what she did? Well, that right there, folks, demonstrates the benefits of a higher education! Strangely enough, I figured out what she did pretty much as soon as she did it, college boy – she swapped me and Cas into each others' bodies, genius!"
"I think what Sam means is that he has come to an understanding of how the witch performed the exchange," Dean's own voice sounded incongruously calm as Castiel used it, "Elucidating the nature of the spell is an essential step in determining how to reverse it, thus putting you back into your own body, and allowing me to return to my vessel."
Uh, yeah, Cas, that's what I meant," nodded Sam, giving his Castiel-coated brother what he hoped was an optimistic smile, "I'm pretty sure it was the pair of silver charms that she used." He held up a small silver chain, from which dangled two small carefully engraved silver representations of the full moon, and the sun. "We've got her grimoire," he patted the witch's spell book, "So I'm confident that we can undo this without too much difficulty."
"Well, good," humphed Dean bad-temperedly, "So, get with the undoing, right now. Before Cas does anything he'll come to regret." He glared at the angel with his own Eye-Sex Stare Of Doom.
"Okay, look, I need a few things," Sam hurried on to explain, "Including a sprig of rosemary and an iris flower, both cut at the new moon. You're lucky, iris only flower for a few weeks of the year, and they're out at the moment, so..."
"But the new moon is two days away!" yelped Dean. "You have to swap us back right now!"
"Dean, I can't," Sam told him regretfully but firmly. "You'll just have to wait two days. Which means, Cas will have to, you know..."
"Absofuckinglutely not!" howled Dean.
"I'm afraid I must go ahead, Dean," Castiel intoned, "I must do this before sunset tonight, or I will not be able to remain in your vessel..."
"You do that before sunset and I will pull your feathers out until I have enough to stuff a mattress for a pair of elephants!" Dean was back to shrieking.
Sam sighed, and tried to stay calm. "Dean, Cas has already explained this to you," he stated. "He has to stay in your body as his vessel, because if he leaves it and you're not in there, it will die, then so will you. It is absolutely vital that he stays in your body until I can swap you both back."
"That is correct," nodded the Dean-shaped Sheriff of Heaven. "And in order for me to remain in a human body as a vessel, there are certain... conditions that must be met."
"Bloodlines!" squeaked Dean, his eyes still wide with desperation, "Certain bloodlines can be angel vessels!"
"That is part of the requirement, although it is more of a concern for Archangels as the most senior of us," Castiel agreed. "There are more fundamental conditions. There must be agreement from the person concerned. And the final condition is..."
"Completely unacceptable!" yelled Dean.
"Dean," Sam tried again, "Given the situation, I think maybe it might be a necessary step, in order to keep your body, and you, alive. I mean, it's not as though it's that big a deal..."
"You wait until he's in your body, and tell me it's not a big deal!" complained Dean.
"Look, I don't think you really have a choice here!" Sam snapped in exasperation. "We have to make it possible for Cas to stay in your body, or you'll die! So, under the circumstances..."
"Will you not use words like that?" Dean winced.
"Okay, sorry, look, what I'm trying to say is, in order to keep you alive, it's a small price to pay..."
"Whose price are you calling small?" Dean shrieked angrily, clearly teetering on the brink of rationality.
"There is precedent, Dean," Castiel reminded him, "It has occurred many, many times before, without any sort of problem, or lasting damage..."
"No lasting damage?" Dean sounded near to hysteria. "Did you just say, no lasting damage?"
"Calm down, Dean," sighed Sam, "Look, given that a failure to ensure the conditions are met will end up with Castiel being forcibly evicted from your body at sunset, resulting in your death, it would be circumspect..."
"Don't use words like that!" Dean yowled.
"Dean!" Sam barked angrily, his patience exhausted, "Get this through your head! You don't have a choice!"
"But... why?" Dean practically wailed, "Why does it have to be like this?"
"The conditions under which angels may take vessels were determined a long time ago, in the times of the Old Testament," explained Castiel. "The Covenant between God and His followers was a way of identifying them. It may have been an arrangement put in place to ensure that only the devout were taken as vessels. An extra safeguard, to ascertain that the person had a religious background that would inform them about what they would be agreeing to."
Sam looked at his watch. "We're running out of time," he noted sharply, "Sunset is in twenty minutes. It has to be done, and it has to be done now..."
"Nooooo," moaned Dean softly.
"Dean, it will be utterly painless," Castiel assured him, "There will be no pain experienced by you or myself, or even by my vessel, your body. I am an Angel of the Lord, and my vessel will heal immediately."
"Meeeeeep," went Dean.
"Uh, Cas, maybe you could, uh, go into the other room..." suggested Sam tactfully. Castiel nodded, and turned to go.
"How...?" Dean's voice was barely a whisper.
Castiel's angel blade dropped out of his sleeve and into his hand.
And there was another first, thought Sam as he stepped forward and caught his brother - as far as he knew, that was the first time that Dean Winchester had ever fainted...
Later that evening, as he watched Dean console himself by stuffing Jimmy Novak's body with booze and greasy food, Sam felt a strange gratitude for the situation in which they had found themselves, because if he was honest, he had been a bit squicked out by the whole thing, but then, that had been the biggest first of the day: in his opinion, the Winchesters had actually, for once, gotten lucky.
Because if it's absolutely and utterly necessary to comfort your big brother and hold his hand while he's being circumcised, it's a huge blessing for both of you if his body is actually in another room while it happens.
Je ne regrette rien.
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