"Dean, what did you do?" Sam asked marching through the door to the lounge.
"You already know. You have your mad face on." Dean replied, his tone childish.
"Cas is packing his stuff. So whatever you did, go fix it!"
Dean's stomach lurched.
"He didn't tell you?"
"NO. He said it was 'private'"
Dean felt the air quotes more than saw them, Sam was standing just out of sight.
The whiskey burned as he swigged it, the discomfort distracting his thoughts for a moment.
It wasn't his problem, Cas could go, he didn't care.
An ache started somewhere between his ribs, ignoring it, he turned to Sam.
"He told me that 'he couldn't watch as I destroyed myself.' So I told him he didn't have to stay."
"You're an idiot" The insult spat from his brother was like a slap.
"Thanks, Sammy." accepting it without question, nothing could make him feel worse than he did.
Recovering from Michael's possession had taken its toll, he hadn't slept in weeks, and an endless supply of drink and women weren't taking the edge off anymore; now both his brother and best friend were pissed at him.
The worse thing was that he had no clue what set Cas off and even less of a clue of how to fix it.
"He's mad because he's in love with you and you, are screwing anything that has legs. Except him." Sam growled with his jaw clenched, turning he slammed the door leaving Dean with the uncomfortable revelation.
If Sam had stayed he would have seen the shock register on his brothers face. He would have seen the confusion and pain as the pieces clicked into place. He would have noticed the pale, pasty colour that fell over Dean's usually tan features, and he would have heard him evacuating his stomach into the toilet as his world came crashing down.
The dry heaving stopped only minutes later and he panted, trying to cool his head on the wall tile.
Love? Cas loved him?
Dean sat and mulled it over. Yeah, they were close but Love, like as in love- love?
His alcohol saturated mind had no inhibitions left and started to run the scenarios. Cas's hugs when he'd been on a job for a while, the lingering stares when he walked around in a towel, the pancakes, the gifts…shit.
Sammy chose that moment to knock on the door.
"Dean, I swear if you let him go…you'll regret it."
"I don't know what to do." Dean all but sobbed, he hated feeling helpless, feeling trapped.
Standing, he opened the door to his brother. Sam stared down at his bent, sweaty form with a face like thunder.
"Help me, Sammy," Dean begged.
"Shit," Sam said as he made a decision that could very possibly make the whole thing worse.
"You love him too." He started and held his hand up rejecting any comments from Dean.
"You watch him, Dean like you watch women in bars but… more. You stare when he's shirtless. You make him coffee that he doesn't need to drink, but you do it so he sits with you at breakfast. You smile at him, like really smile at him Dean…and when Michael…."
Sam inhaled, committing to his rant.
"When we finally got you back, it was Cas you looked at, not me. Not Jack, not Jody, it was Cas. He carried you, he bathed you, he barked orders for over a week to everyone and made sure… he made damn sure that even half dead you ate and drank. Did you know that you called his name every night for a week? That he stayed by your side, so he could take your hand and tell you it was okay…and when the nightmares got so bad that only Cas lying next to you made them stop, he did it, and you clung to him like he was the only thing in the whole damn world. When you opened your eyes for the first time and saw him, you smiled…you fuckin' glowed dude"
Dean stared at his brother like he'd grown another head.
Sam stared back at him willing him to get it.
"Yes, he may be in a guys body but Dean he's an Angel" with that he turned and walked away.
Dean felt shell-shocked.
He'd thought those memories were a dream with Cas holding him, rocking him. Heart aching, he tried to breathe past the truth but he couldn't. Sam was right, he loved Cas, he just didn't know what the hell to do about it.
His feet did. They moved on their own, taking him to the library where Sam was trying to talk Cas down.
"I have to go Sam. I can't do this anymore." Cas's back was turned but Dean could hear the echo of tears. It was enough, his heart broke and at that moment he'd have done anything to stop that sound coming from his Cas. Had he just called him his?
"Castiel," Dean called, using his full name for the first time in a while.
Sam smiled, just a shadow but it was there.
"I'll give you two some space," he said moving towards the kitchen.
Cas turned, slow and deliberate. It took what felt like an age for their eyes to meet.
"Hello, Dean."
"Hey, Cas." Dean smiled but it was sad, broken.
"I'm leaving Dean like you wanted."
"I'm sorry Cas." They both spoke at the same time.
"What did you say?" hope flashed in Cas's eyes.
"I'm not a coward. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a coward." Dean spoke and let the words come.
"I know that Dean" Cas replied, "You're the bravest man I know."
The smile on Dean's face grew more solid.
"What I mean is.." Dean moved closer to the angel and Cas looked almost pained.
"Dean."
"Yes, Cas?"
"We talked about this?" Cas added, "Personal space?"
"Did we?" Dean asked, moving closer.
His smile turned flirtatious for a second and then serious again.
"I'm not a coward Cas. I don't run, except from myself and I'm so tired of it. I can't run from myself any more… and I can't let you run from me either"
Dean was inches from him now.
"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas looked confused, there was a quiet desperation lingering just under the surface.
"I'm going to kiss you now, is that okay?" Dean asked terrified that he'd made a mistake.
"Alright, Dean," Cas replied, easy, trusting like Dean was just asking him to go for a walk.
The breath Dean took was long and shuddering. The lean in was longer. Their lips met with a soft and delicate touch. A perfect expression full of promise.
Dean moved into Cas's arms and wrapped himself around the other man, deepening the kiss. His tongue found the angel's and he felt like he was drowning.
The crush of bodies was interrupted by Sam's cough.
"Hey, Sammy," Dean said.
Sam just grinned.
"I'm going to my room." Dean turned to walk away, he could feel Cas's shoulders sag, disappointment flowing from him in waves.
"Cas? You coming?" he asked the forlorn looking angel.
The smile he received in response was like the sun had been flicked on.
"Yes, Dean. I'd like that"
Cas took his outstretched hand and followed him to the bedroom.
Dean's bed was a mess and he felt conscious of it for the first time ever.
Cas pulled him into the room like it didn't matter to him at all.
Tugging Cas's trench coat off was like peeling away years of want and need.
Dean's skin pulsed as the blood pumped like a train through his body. Cas ripped Dean's shirt in two as Dean tugged at the buttons from his.
Their lips crashed together, the stubble caused a delicious friction on their skin.
Cas melted as his hands found Dean's shoulders and wrapped around them. Dean felt like he was on fire, his cock was a solid throbbing presence pressed against Cas's leg.
He followed the line of his angel's neck, kissing as he undid Cas's slacks and letting his hard length fall free. No boxers, awesome.
Dean had no idea where this lust, this need had come from, he was shaking; trembling with it. Cas tugged at Dean's jeans, and he shed them quickly along with his boxers. The angel was brazen and fell backwards taking Dean with him onto the bed.
Their naked bodies pressed together, creating a craving for this man, this angel that Dean had never thought would be possible for anyone to feel.
His heart pounded, trying to escape from his chest. Cas's fingers trailed over Dean's cock and he bucked, had he been standing he would have fallen. Holy shit.
Cas lay on his back underneath him, and Dean did the only thing he could, he took the angels hard shaft in his hand and lowered his mouth to it. As his lips touched the silken skin of Cas's cock, he shuddered again as his name was hissed through gritted teeth by the other man.
Dean's nails grazed Cas's thighs as his tongue explored every hot throbbing inch, over and over. Cas clawed at Dean's shoulders, at his hair, moaning inaudible sounds that screamed of previously unknown pleasure.
"Dean, I'm…oh god." Cas moaned upon release into Dean's waiting mouth.
Hips bucking, Dean took every drop and swallowed it without question. Grinning, he sat and propped his head on his arm, resting his hand on his angel's leg. Warmth filled him as he made his way up the bed to wrap Cas in his arms. His angel, he liked the sound of that.
-fin-