"Now our lives are changing fast. Hope that something pure can last."
~ We Used to Wait, the Arcade Fire
Plot : Post Small Sacrifices. House makes late night realization about Cuddy that leads her to reassess how she is handling things in their relationship.
A/N: This story was inspired by three things. The song above I repeatedly listened to as I wrote, the unusual downpour here in California, and to a much lesser extent an episode of Arrested Development called Pier Pressure. It's been a long time since I wrote anything House/Cuddy related so I hope I am still on my game. In addition, I was playing around with a different kind of format as I like to do. I was beta less so any mistakes are my own. I hope you enjoy.
It's sometime after midnight, when the steady sound of unrelenting rain drowns out the quiet noises of two pairs of socked feet dancing across wooden floors. They make their way into an immaculately clean kitchen, the light thump of House's cane going in time with the heavy rain. The loud growl of Cuddy's empty stomach minutes before was the final push they needed to untangle their intertwined limbs. To leave the cocoon of blankets and pillows making up the sanctuary that was Cuddy's bed. They take their food finding mission seriously, since dinner had been skipped in favor of sating a more urgent kind of hunger. They delegate without words. House heads for the cupboards, while Cuddy peruses the fridge.
"You have too much power."
House makes the statement seemingly out of nowhere. The look in his eyes akin to the expression he frequents when he has just successfully diagnosed another patient.
"I just opened a pickle jar. It's not like I am being a human car barrow."
"Points for the strongman reference, but minus points for thinking I would eat a pickle, and because that is not what I meant."
"The pickle was for me… Okay, then I'm sorry that you have nothing equivalent to cleavage to entice me into constantly thinking about having sex with you during office hours."
"No we already had that debate. Although, I suppose it does sort of coincide with my point about the unequal distribution of power."
"Well, it looks like you are just going to have to spell it out for me because I am all out of guesses."
Cuddy pops another pickle in her mouth as she tries to decipher where exactly House is going with all of this. The odd feeling in the pit of her stomach completely unrelated to the hunger is telling her she probably isn't going to like it.
"Well to start with you are my boss…"
"This isn't exactly new or groundbreaking information, House."
"Yes, but now we are fornicating."
The absurdity of House's wording was multiplied by the fact that he was speaking with a mouthful of pretzels.
"You have such a way with words, such manners. That is probably how I should introduce you in the future. This is my fornicating companion Greg House."
"It sounds no more ridiculous than people our advanced age using the terms boyfriend and girlfriend…"
"I think we are getting off track here, and my age is nowhere near as advanced as yours."
"See this is exactly my point. There you go you go taking control of our conversation. Too. Much. Damn. Power."
The gnawing feeling in Cuddy's gut spreads even as her hunger subsides. This conversation is going nowhere she feels like traveling at this late hour. She purposely takes a few sips from her water bottle before speaking the extra seconds giving her time to formulate the best response.
"I was trying to bring it back to your point. I do not try to take over conversations with you. It would be impossible. You never talk about anything you don't want to talk about."
"Cuddy, for any other person on this earth you would be right. However, for you since we became a thing I DO talk about things I don't want to talk about. Just like the long and growing list of things I do because it's you and you have too much power."
"I think I understand now. You are leaving out two very important words in that sentence."
"Which would be?"
"Over you. You think now that we are in a relationship; I have too much power over you. Not too much power in general."
"No shit. So what do you suppose we do about it? How do I go about getting back my balls that you so systematically and covertly acquired?"
"Is this your screwed up way of trying to break up with me?"
The thought hits Cuddy suddenly and forcefully. Is that what her instincts had been trying to tell her? That she was about to lose who she had finally admitted to herself she had always wanted, needed even.
"No, why would you think that?"
"I don't know. All this talk about distribution of power and wanting your balls back kind of makes it seem like you don't want to be with me anymore."
"That is the exact opposite of what I am saying. I want to be with you so much that you have the complete upper hand."
Cuddy is shocked by the sentiment in House's words. Her heart softens along with her tone as she tries to think of the best thing to say. She has learned with House that their must always be a delicate balance of giving him reassurance without digging too deep and scaring him away with too much feeling at once.
"You have to know by now I want to be with you just as much as you want to be with me."
"I am not saying you don't want to be with me. I know you want to be with me."
"Then I don't understand. I mean I came to you that night. I got this whole ball rolling..."
"Exactly Cuddy, this relationship started when you wanted it to…"
"I beg to differ. I wanted to try something with you two years ago and you manhandled and dismissed me. This relationship did not exactly start when I decided I was ready to give it a try."
House feels this conversation going off course. If they were going to play the game of tallying up past mistakes he would always be the winner, which ultimately made him the loser. Sure there had been times when Cuddy had wounded him with purpose or without, but he made up for it by the sheer quantity of times he had sabotaged things with her. Hurtful remarks and idiotic actions one after another, year after year that she stuck around orbiting in his atmosphere. However, this wasn't about that. He didn't want it to become about that. So he decided to do something he only recently added to his repertoire (and only for her) apologize.
"Listen, I am not saying I am not a horrible jackass. I was. I am. While I am at it let me retroactively apologize for feeling you up in my office that day. Although, that's what your desk was for but regardless it was a dickhead move. All I am saying about the present though is let's face it, when this relationship ends, you will be the one to break up with me."
"When not if? You are so sure it won't last? You think it is inevitable even now after so many months together."
"Cuddy, don't start in on semantics with me, when or if, it will be you that does it. You have the power, which was my whole point."
"House, you could just as easily break up with me."
"No, I know myself. I would never do that, I could never do that. I am not saying you won't be completely justified when you do it. I am just saying the end will come from you."
"What makes you so sure about that? I know you have broken up with people in the past. You are just as capable of it as I am."
"Not now. Not with you."
Every time House admitted the depth of his feelings for her Cuddy would feel so much unbridled love for the man that is scared the hell out of her. A nagging negative part of Cuddy's brain would shout about how unsafe it was to feel so much for anyone, let alone House and his cargo plane full of baggage.
"I don't know whether to think that is sweet or be insulted. What makes you think I am anymore capable of being without you, then the reverse?"
"Cuddy, you have already almost broken up with me twice."
"No, I haven't."
"Massaging hookers and the recent great lie debate of 2010."
"Oh."
"Yeah, Oh."
"I was upset; those were fights, not potential break ups."
"Both times you refused to see me again until I changed, or owned up, or whatever. That heavily implies that if I hadn't we would no longer be together. I am no relationship expert, but I am pretty sure that is almost breaking up."
"So what is the alternative? I should have just let you get rubbed down by a hooker who used to routinely give you hand jobs, and be okay with you lying to my face. I had a right to be upset."
"That is not what I am saying at all. Otherwise my new massage therapist wouldn't be named Bernard. I am just calling a spade a spade here…"
"Oh my God, you are right."
Cuddy spoke over House's last words as the validity in what he was saying struck her like a speeding car with no brakes slamming into the brick wall of her mind.
"Oh I wish I had a tape recorder. Even when I do my genius thing at work I usually get a head nod or an approval on something crazy but never a flat out admission from you that I was right."
"I told you I didn't want you to change, yet every time you do something so you, yet so wrong, I hold our relationship hostage. I have too much power."
"Thank you!"
"House, you know I am just as screwed up as you are, that's part of the reason I think we work. "
"Oh Cuddy, you know you are nowhere near as screwed up as I am."
"It never even occurred to me to do anything but play chicken until you caved in those situations."
"Are you saying if I hadn't given in, you wouldn't have broken things off permanently?"
"Are you kidding me, it took every ounce of willpower to remember what I was fighting for and not jump you at that wedding. You are really sexy in a tux."
"But you were so hurt after I brought up your Britney Spears marriage. It didn't seem like you wanted to jump me at all. I usually have pretty good radar about women who want to do the nasty with me."
"I was hurt, but more than that I thought it was about teaching you a lesson."
"You really thought you could teach me a lesson? Seriously? In all the years you have known me has that ever worked out the way you wanted it to?"
"Yes, no, I don't know, maybe. I mean I stand by my reasons. When you lied to me, you really hurt me. Then thinking about how I praised you for telling the truth and you let me, it was humiliating. The whole thing just left me feeling so dejected."
Cuddy knew House was right. When had teaching him lessons ever been the correct way to deal with him? She used to hate it when Wilson would cajole her into conspiring to teach House a lesson for the greater good. It never worked out the way they wanted it to, and always left her feeling as if she had betrayed him in some fundamental way. Now here she was finally with him in every sense of the word and teaching lessons was the only method she had been applying when it came to the rough patches in their relationship.
"I wasn't trying to purposely hurt you, Cuddy. I did not like lying to you. I just honestly didn't know what to do. I felt like I was in a no win situation. If it's any consolation my tiny black heart felt horrible when you were praising me for my honesty. I felt like the highest level of jackass, but I thought I was doing the right thing in an impossible situation. I was into deep. I was too afraid of the consequences if I fessed up at that point."
"I am so stupid. Why didn't I think of this before?"
"Think of what?"
"This. Talking through things with you instead of holding my breath and pouting until you fixed it. I got so much more out of what you just said to me now than I did when you came to me telling me you would never lie to me again. Which I know is impossible to ask of you, you are going to lie, but I still wanted you to say it before I would forgive you. It's so messed up."
"I believe a wise woman once told me the reason why we work is because we are both so screwed up."
"Yeah, but I am going to try to be a little less screwed up. Next time you stumble, and I know there will be a next time, I am going to try this crazy thing I have heard about called talking through things like adults. When I screw up please apply the same methods."
"Talking through things like adults, that sounds painful. "
"House, I am pretty sure it's what we just did and you initiated it. Who the hell would have thought out of the two of us that you would have the better relationship strategies?"
"I certainly didn't. Did I just win?"
"I don't think it's about winning, but you certainly got your point across."
If House were a different kind of man, with a different kind of leg, he would pull a Gene Kelly and go dancing in the rain because he felt lighter than he perhaps ever had. Instead, he decided to celebrate in a manner much more his style.
"You think talking through things like adults sex, is as good as old fashioned make up sex?"
"Only one way to find out. I have a feeling it might be better."
Cuddy moved close to House molding her body against his, stretching on the tips of her toes to wrap her arms around his neck. His lips found hers with a practiced ease, the dance of their tongues familiar, fond, and filled with a never satiated longing for the other. One kiss melded into another each long, lingering, and bursting with promises of more. The minutes passed, as they wrapped themselves in each other. The sound of their lips on beat with the rhythm of the rain. Slowly they broke apart taking in a few needed deep breaths.
"Just so you know I still like a powerful bedroom Cuddy. No changes needed on that front."
"I will keep that in mind. Now let's go to bed, I am full, it's late, and I can hear my blankets calling to me."
"Those are the only reasons you want to go to bed? What happened to adult conversation sex?"
"Oh I fully plan on exploring that new phenomenon, as well as every inch of you, as soon as we hit the sheets."
"See, powerful bedroom Cuddy is so damn sexy."
It was silent for a beat or two as they made their way back to Cuddy's room hand in hand. Cuddy stopped at the door frame turning around and giving House a small but genuine grin.
"Oh and House, I think you have just as much power as I do. It looks like we might just be stuck with each other."
House smiled right back at her feeling free enough to do so. For the first time House didn't see the inevitable end to the best thing that ever happened to him. It was probably momentary, but for House, for now, it was enough.