It's hard to do these things alone
Just hold on, we're going home
Oliver Queen had everything anyone could ever want. He was the son of one of the richest men in Starling City. He partied like there was no tomorrow, he had nothing to worry about in his life except how to cheat on girlfriend without having her find out about it and leave him. He had a best friend who accompanied him and stood by him through all the bar fights and the late nights. He had an amazing, responsible girl who forgave him no matter what he did, and who also had a hot sister who had the biggest crush on him and would do anything he asked.
Sure, sometimes, all that didn't feel like it was enough. And other times, his mother would bug him about "growing up", "being responsible" and things like that, but he would only nod and smile and kiss her cheek, leaving the room with promises they both knew he wouldn't keep.
And then the Queen's Gambit went down, and his life with it.
He was still breathing, that should count for something. But the rest, it was all gone.
Those were the five hardest and worst years of his life, but somehow he lived through it.
He was still breathing, right? He was alive.
That's what mattered.
Right?
Oliver Queen had everything anyone could ever want once, but not anymore. Oliver Queen still had his money, his mother and his sister, but all that wasn't enough anymore.
He missed being told to grow up. He missed Laurel forgiving him. He missed his life the way it used to be, because back then he didn't have to deal with himself and his demons and his shadows, and it was so much easier.
Oliver Queen was tired. All the time.
He could pretend he wasn't. He could dive into his vigilante job, he could bring down bad guys and kill who he thought deserved to die and pretend he was okay.
But he wasn't.
He never would be again.
That's what he thought, at least. Up until the day he met Felicity Smoak.
It all sounded so cliché. Broken, scarred, traumatized survivor meets quirky, optimistic and smart technology expert.
But that's not all that happened.
He couldn't, wouldn't ever forget the day the girl in the pink shirt changed his life forever. He didn't know it back then, there was no way he could, but it all started that day.
And when he found himself going to her, again and again and again, he told himself it was because there wasn't anyone else who could help. It was partially the truth, yes, but the other part of the equation was better left unsaid.
When he got shot, he told himself he couldn't possibly go back to the lair in time. He could have called Diggle, it would have been faster than breaking into her car and lying there, waiting for her to show up.
But that was better left unsaid, too.
When Diggle warned him about the danger he was putting Felicity in and he told him they could protect her, that should have been his first warning.
He didn't tell the people he loved the most about his secret because he didn't want to put them in danger. He could protect them too, couldn't he?
Why was it different with her?
He told himself it wasn't.
He knew it was.
There was something about Felicity, something about the way she spoke about computers and his dead father and her car insurance that made him curious. He wanted to know more about this girl, he wanted to listen to her talk, he wanted to have her in his life. It was selfish, so selfish, but he figured he could allow himself that one thing just this one time. After everything he went through, he could be selfish. Just a little bit. It wouldn't hurt anyone, would it?
The bomb collar proved him wrong.
It should have been another sign. They had known each other for mere months, and his heart already threatened to beat out of his chest when he saw that thing around her neck.
He kept on being selfish, though. He wanted her around. He could protect her.
Helena going after her proved him wrong, again. And he still kept on being selfish.
He loved the way she wasn't afraid to stand up for herself. She didn't care if he was Oliver Queen CEO or The Hood, she didn't back out or accept things she didn't agree with. Felicity was like a breath of fresh air in Oliver's life. She didn't know him before the Island, and that alone should have been enough, but it was so much more than that.
He didn't realize his feelings for her until he heard The Count's voice on the other side of the phone.
He wasn't all that surprised, really. He should have known sooner. Maybe a part of him did know, but he was too busy or too tired or too afraid to fully acknowledge it.
The fact he killed someone, even though he promised he never would again (and it wasn't only because of Tommy), made him face his feelings. He couldn't run anymore, he couldn't hide. The feelings were there, and he couldn't deny them any longer, not even if he tried.
At least not to himself.
Because when he killed for Felicity, it was over a Vertigo shot in a syringe, and not because he was threatening to kill her. And that counted for something.
He was the only one who knew about it, though. He could still pretend to the outside world that Felicity was nothing more than a friend and a partner. He didn't say anything out loud, and he tried to not even think about it. She was already in enough danger. If someone - anyone - found out how important Felicity was to Oliver, she would be in even more trouble.
He thought he was doing a good job in hiding his feelings, but Oliver Queen was selfish, and Slade Wilson knew exactly how to detect and use that against him.
Felicity was kidnapped. When Slade said one more person had to die, Oliver instantly thought he was the one. Not only selfish, Oliver was also stupid.
He spent days looking for her.
The funny thing about all that was that Oliver needed Felicity to find her. He had no idea how computers worked. He relied on her, as he had once said, and he felt useless without her. He was the brawn, but he needed the brain.
And he needed the light.
Slade Wilson called Oliver a week after he kidnapped Felicity. Diggle did his best to track the call, and with Laurel's help they were able to find her. Oliver fought until he couldn't anymore. The only thing that still kept him going until the end was the thought of Felicity. He would die for her, if needed. She had to be safe and free. It didn't matter the cost.
He didn't expect to survive. When he felt an arrow go through him, he thought he was done for.
Diggle even joked about him being immortal when he woke up in the hospital days later, but Felicity didn't smile at all.
"You could have died." Her voice was small, broken, much like Oliver's had been when she wasn't there to give him strength.
"So could you."
Felicity rolled her eyes. "He barely even touched me, Oliver. He put an arrow through you. You were in a coma for days."
"It was worth it." He said, because it was, and he would do it again if it meant Felicity's safety.
"Shut up. It wasn't."
"Yes, it was. You're here."
Felicity's eyes were full of tears. "If Diggle hadn't been there, if he hadn't injected Slade with the cure and got you help, you wouldn't be here."
"But I am." He wanted her to come closer to the hospital bed so he could touch her. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise me you'll never do that again."
"Felicity-"
"Promise me."
Oliver's heart broke inside his chest. "I can't."
Felicity blinked and the tears fell freely down her cheeks. She sat down on the chair next to his bed. "You have to."
"You can't ask that of me. If you're ever in danger again, Felicity, how can you expect me not to do anything about it?"
"I'm not saying you can't do anything about it, I just-" Felicity sniffed. "I don't want you to die for me."
"I will. If I have to, I will."
"Don't say that."
"It's the truth."
"Oliver. If you had died, I don't know what I would do. Don't say that." Felicity had more tears falling from her eyes.
Oliver's hand reached for her face and she leaned into his touch. Her skin was warm, and Oliver dried her tears and circled his thumb on her cheek.
"We're okay." He whispered, and she took a deep, shaky breath. She put her hand over his and if he ever needed any confirmation, he got it right then and there.
Oliver Queen loved Felicity Smoak more than he had ever loved anything and anyone in his entire life.
He didn't know why she stood by him all this time. He didn't deserve her at all, he probably never would. But he would rather die than do anything other than protect her and be by her side for the rest of his life, no matter how. His heart grew three times bigger in his chest at the sight of her when she walked in, and her voice was what guided him whenever he felt lost.
She was the most perfect, beautiful, important person in the entire world. And she was right next to him.
She felt like home to him, she was the light in his darkness, the one who believed in him enough to make him believe in himself too.
He decided right then and there that he would never, ever let her go again.
You're everything that I see
I want your hot love and emotion endlessly
I can't get over you
You left your mark on me
Christina Grimmie's version of this song on The Voice gave me the feelings. This is very, very random, and pretty much a way I found to deal with the anticipation for the next 2 episodes. I'm sooo scared! I just want Olicity to get together already. Let me know what you think of this :)