Revolution 9
Summary: "So was recording the white-double any different from recording any other Beatles album?"
Paul McCartney looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'd say."
The interviewer looked up curiously. "Why?"
Paul shrugged. "Because of the wizards, the little blue men and the orangutan...oh and the walking luggage."
Disclaimer: Almost everything in this story belongs either to the amazing Terry Pratchett or to the wonderful J.K. Rowling who make this world so much brighter thanks to their gifts of storytelling. Whatever doesn't belong to them belongs to Apple Corps. I am merely borrowing for a good cause and I do believe I've managed to put everything safely back where it belonged (I hope).
Author's note: This story was a wedding present for my brother, he is a huge Discworld fan his wife is a total Potterhead and both love the Beatles, and in my twisted mind this story was born. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, if so, please review!
"Are we quite sure this is a good idea?" Ponder Stibbons asked tentatively.
"Of course Mr. Stibbons, what could possibly go wrong?" Archchancellor Ridcully Answered happily.
Rincewind let out an audible groan. "Did you really have to say that sir?"
The assembled staff of the Ankh-Morpork Unseen University of magic stared at Rincewind uncomprehendingly. "Say what?" Ridcully questioned.
"What could possibly go wrong, that's almost as bad as saying: there's no turning back now, or this is gonna be the best Hogwatch Sto Lat has ever had." Rincewind explained wearily.
"Nonsense Rincewind, wizards don't adhere to such superstitions!" The lecturer in Recent Runes exclaimed.
"You would if you were me." Rincewind muttered while at his feet the luggage (a large wooden chest with an impossible number of small legs and a rather violent nature) growled suspiciously at a six inch high streak of red and blue that shot under the Senior Wrangler's robe.
"If we manage to communicate with the Roundworld we could be making history today!" Ridcully announced proudly.
"I Dinnae hear, wut did he say?"
"Shush, we cannae let 'm ken we're 'ere." The bottom six inches of the Senior Wrangler's robe whispered.
The luggage growled again and put itself protectively between Rincewind and the Senior Wrangler.
"Ook eeck oook?" The Librarian ambled into the room carrying a large bunch of bananas.
"No we haven't started yet." the lecturer in Recent Runes told him.
Rincewind eyed the complicated contraption that stood in the middle of the room suspiciously (there were ants inside it, and an aquarium, and a fluffy teddybear). "So this contacting the Roundworld, how exactly is it done?"
"Hex has calculated the differential for the compound of the transdimensional wavelenght compensator so that if we pull the Great Big Lever the extradimensional field saturator will..."
"Magic dear Rincewind, what else but magic!" Ridcully rudely interupted Ponder Stibbons.
"Right, right..." Rincewind muttered while trying to back away from the machine as quickly as possible. This made him bump into the Librarian who had come up behind him and was studying the luggage's odd behaviour as it snapped and growled at the hem of the Senior Wrangler's robe.
Suddenly a six inch high man with red hair wearing a kilt, covered in blue tattoos emerged from under the Senior Wrangler's robe brandishing a tiny sword at the luggage.
"Let's make history people!" The Archchancellor announced seemingly unaware of the commotion as he reached for the Great Big Lever.
"Leh me at 'im!"The little blue man squeaked. "I'll slay the monster!"
Several more little men emerged from under the Senior Wrangler's robe and attempted to hold the first one back. The Senior Wrangler let out a very unmanly scream and fainted as Ridcully pulled the Great Big Lever with a theatrical flourish. "Hello Roundworld!"
The first little man launched himself at the luggage dragging several of his kinsmen with him just as a bright light erupted from the machine called Hex.
Archchancellor Ridcully stared at the spot that only seconds ago had held the Librarian, Rincewind and his luggage as well as several angry pictsies. "Oh Bugger!"
"That went rather...well?" Hermione Granger suggested carefully as she replaced another book on the shelves which the room of requirements had so kindly provided for the D.A. Meetings.
Ron Weasley rubbed the sore spot on the back of his head where a book had hit him. "I'm not sure 'well' would be the word I'd use."
"Still I really think Neville is improving." Harry Potter said proudly.
"True, a few more years of practice and he might even turn out not to be rubbish." Ron laughed.
Hermione swung a book at him and hit him square in the arm.
"Ow!"
"That's not nice!" She huffed.
Harry laughed at his friends antics and was about to say something when a bright light appeared in the middle of the room accompanied by an odd sound that sort of went fwop.
Fwop.
"Crivens!Calm doon Daft Wullie!"
"Who are you?!" Ron squeaked in surprise at the sudden invasion of the room.
Rincewind, the Librarian, the luggage and several Nac Mac Feegle looked around them in astonishment. "Where are we?"
"Hogwarts, school for witchcraft and wizardry, and how on earth did you get in, this school has every possible protection spell on it!" Hermione told them as the three students pointed their wands at the newcomers.
"Earth... of course, Roundworld, what could possibly go wrong?" Rincewind muttered desperately. "He had to say it didn't he." Rincewind ranted his voice slowly rising. "Contact the Roundworld! Daft old men and their magic! See if I ever do anything for them again, getting me stuck on the Roundworld with the Nac Mac Feegle and a monkey!" Rincewind finished pointing angrily at the Librarian for emphasis.
The Librarian plucked the biggest banana from his bunch and hurled it rather expertly at Rincewind's head.
"Ow!"
"I dinnae think he likes being called a monkey." A Feegle offered helpfully.
"Who are you?" Harry repeated. "Who are you and where did you come from?"
"Ook oook eeck." Harry, Ron and Hermione stared at the Librarian in confusion and not without a little fear.
The Librarian opened his mouth to speak again but Rincewind stopped him. "I don't think they speak orangutan."
Rincewind cleared his throat ceremoniously. "Hello inhabitants of the Roundworld, we come from the Discworld to learn about your lives and culture."
"Where?" Harry asked confused.
"The Discworld, a flat planet which rests on the backs of four giant elephants who in turn stand on the shell of the great star turtle A'tuin who traverses the endless universe?"
"That's impossible, there's no such world!" Hermione protested.
Rincewind bowed towards the Librarian. "Roundworlders are notoriously dim-witted and slow." he whispered.
"Oi!" Hermione exclaimed indignantly.
"Ai've had enuff of this, I'm Rob Anybody, Big Man of the Nac Mac Feegle, but you might ken us as the Wee Free Men." One of the blue men introduced himself.
"Are you pixies?" Ron asked studying the creature.
"Nay, we are pictsies!" Rob answered and he sounded slightly insulted.
"Aye, They can tak' oour lives but they cannae tak' oour troousers!" Another Feegle shouted from the back.
"Alright, so you're Rob Anybody, now who are the rest of you?" Harry questioned.
"That is the Librarian of Unseen University, and I'm the great wizard Rincewind."
"You've misspelled wizard." Hermione pointed at Rincewind's hat which said: wizzard.
Rincewind huffed. "And this is my luggage, now who are you?"
"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger." Hermione introduced begrudgingly.
"You are a big wee hag aren't you?" Rob Anybody asked Hermione.
Hermione crossed her arms defensively. "Excuse me?"
"Hag is the Nac Mac Feegle word for witch, he just wants to know if you are a witch in training." Rincewind sighed before turning back to the Librarian. "see you really have to spell everything out for them!" He whispered
"It's jus' Miss, if you're a hag, mebbe you can magic us back to where we came from?" One of the other Feegles asked hopefully.
"Gladly!" Hermione exclaimed. "We don't want you here anymore than you want to be here."
"Hermione, how are you going to get them back where they came from exactly?" Ron questioned carefully.
"The finite spell should undo the spell that brought them here, simple enough." Hermione answered with full confidence.
Harry however was not so sure. "Are you sure that'll work?"
Rincewind nodded in agreement. "Yeah, are you sure that'll work?"
Hermione smiled. "What could possibly go wrong?" Rincewind groaned but didn't get the time to object as Hermione cried: "Finite Incantatum!"
Fwop.
"Honey pie!... Honey pie!"
Fwop
"Honey... what the blazers?!" The music in the Abbey Road recording studio quickly petered out and died completely as the four musicians stared at the new arrivals.
The new arrivals stared back at them. "Uhm Hermione, something seems to have gone wrong." Harry ventured.
"I can see that!" Hermione answered slightly flustered.
"And who are you?" Rincewind asked with little interest.
"We're the Beatles." John Lennon offered as if surprised to be even asked the question.
"You are kind of interrupting our recording session." George Harrison gestured calmly at the recording studio to make his point.
"You dinnae look like insects." Rob Anybody pointed out.
"No it's Beatles with e a." Paul McCartney told him as he eyed the little men curiously.
"It dinnea matter how you spell it, you stil dinnae look like 'm." Another Feegle told him.
"It's the band's name, we're like famous you know?" John stared at them unaccustomed to not being recognized let alone not being known.
"Oh you're in a band, that's nice, the librarian plays the keyboard." Rincewind pointed out.
"Ook, ooook ook!" The librarian told them excited.
"Which band was he in, the Monkees?" Ringo laughed at his own joke.
Rincewind frowned. "No, he was in the Band With Rocks In."
"Wait what year is this?" Hermione interrupted suddenly.
"1968 why is that important?" Paul answered looking confused.
"Wut's dis?" One of the Feegles was climbing Ringo's hi-hat, another was scaling the bass drum.
"Careful with that!" Ringo told them and attempted to pick the little blue man up, this raised the entire bass drum off the floor. "Blimey you're strong!"
"Get your hands off me!" The Feegle squeaked.
"Put 'im doon lass, or we'll show ye a good kickin'." Rob Anybody warned.
Ringo, still holding Feegle and drum, laughed at him. "Oh dear, help me, the blue meanies are coming."
Rob Anybody shook his head. "You asked for it laddie, have at 'im boys!"
"We better get out of here before we change history or something." Harry warned Hermione.
Hermione nodded. "I know, I'm just trying to remember the right spell, it's on page number nine of the standard book of spells."
The librarian wandered over to some of the instruments and tried out each one he came across.
"Number nine?" Harry pondered out loud as he too tried to remember the spell.
Ringo was being chased across the studio by the pack of Nac Mac Feegle. "Help the blue meanies are trying to get me!"
Rincewing groaned. "Luggage, would you please try and stop the Feegles from killing the big nosed one?" The luggage crashed after the Feegles.
"Number nine." Ron screwed his face up in concentration as he too tried to remember.
Ringo passed them by. "Aaaargh, aaah!"
"This makes for a nice change, usually that's me." Rincewind admitted to a perplexed George as he stared at the scene unfolding before him as the lid of the luggage snapped shut with a loud thud around a Feegle. The librarian had found a trumpet and was trying it out while playing the cymbals with his feet.
"Number nine."
"Aaaah!"
"Number nine."
Thud!
"Number nine."
"Aaaargh!"
"This is brilliant..." John muttered.
"What?!" Paul shouted over the noise as another Feegle got gobbled up by the luggage.
"This is brilliant!" John exclaimed.
Paul stared at him. "Excuse me?"
Hermione meanwhile had given up. "Sod it!" Harry and Ron turned to her in shock. "Finite Incantatum!"
Fwop.
Fwop.
"Where are we now?" Harry asked over the noise of the luggage regurgitating several Nac Mac Feegle.
They seemed to be in the back room of a bookshop. Two men stared at them from their position around a table where they seemed to have been enjoying a game of scrabble as well as a glass of wine in the case of the man dressed in black, and a mug of hot cocoa in case of the man who for all intents and purposes looked like a bookstore owner.
"Are you seeing them too Aziraphale?" Crowley asked as he eyed his glass of wine accusingly.
Aziraphale was likewise studying his cocoa. "I am and I'm pretty sure they're not one of ours."
Crowley shook his head. "Not one of ours either."
"Right, shall we question them then?" As Aziraphale stood two majestic wings unfolded behind him.
Crowley too stood his eyes glowing a colour of red one associates with warnings and a forked tongue flicked between his lips. "Who Are You?" It echoed unnaturally.
"Nobody, we were just going, sorry to have bothered you!" Rincewind stuttered before turning to Hermione. "Say the spell again!"
Fwop.
"ALBERT, WERE WE EXPECTING GUESTS?" A robed skeleton with glowing blue eyes asked.
An older man shuffled into the room. "Not that I'm aware of sir."
"RINCEWIND, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, I WASN'T AWARE WE HAD AN APPOINTMENT."
"We didn't sir, just popped in to say hi...hi, now I'm leaving again."
Fwop.
"Oooh, it's a wee shindig!"
The librarian was nearly trampled as the Nac Mac Feegle threw themselves at several bottles of whiskey.
"Looks like a wedding reception." Ron noted.
"I remember number nine!" Hermione suddenly exclaimed before shouting: "Tergum Domus!"
Pling!
Ridcully looked up in surprise. "Ah, Rincewind, Librarian and… Feegles, good to have you back." An awkward silence descended.
"Right, supper anybody?"
2013:
"So what exactly is this for again?" Sir Paul McCartney asked as he watched the interviewer tap away furiously on his Ipad.
"It's for an article to commemorate the forty-fifth anniversary of the white-double." The interviewer answered without looking up.
"Right, that long ago eh?"
The interviewer finally looked up. "Yes."
"Blimey, I remember it like it was yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away." Paul laughed at his own joke.
The interviewer was not impressed. "So was recording the white-double any different from recording any other Beatles album?"
Paul looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'd say." he answered remembering.
"What was the most memorable song on the album?" The interviewer asked tapping furiously again.
"That would have to be Revolution 9." Paul nodded to himself.
The interviewer looked up curiously. "Why?"
Paul shrugged. "Because of the wizards, the little blue men and the orangutan...oh and the walking luggage."
"Drugs." The interviewer muttered as he started tapping again.
"No, really..." Paul tried, but gave up. "Oh never mind."
The End.