Author's Note: This was written during NaNoWriMo and although not particularly related to that story, it could tie in slightly with my own Kate and Osgood canon. Not beta-ed and may be taken down and re-written later. I'm still grieving for Osgood so please forgive any glaring errors.
Kate had recognised the symptoms for what they were, survivor guilt. Mixed up with her own grief, generally trying to process the whole event and still remain in control enough to lead UNIT through the clear up operation. She couldn't tell if the odd looks and awkward silence from Malcolm and McGillop were from blame or out of pity; perhaps it was both or perhaps it was just paranoia? She'd not been sleeping well; how could she because whenever she closed her eyes all she could see were armies of Cybermen systematically taking over the Earth and she was powerless to stop it. All her deceased relatives and friends being reborn from their graves, their faces half-formed in their silver masks, determined to convert her too. Thick black clouds still marred the landscape in her mind's eye and she felt permanently cold no matter how warm it actually was in the room. Despair and depression were beginning to set in, causing her to doubt herself. A voice in her head kept taunting her that she hadn't done enough, had never been good enough and that she'd only risen to her position because of who her father had been. There was a tiny, quiet voice that knew none of that was true but it was drowned out by her crisis of self-confidence.
It might have been easier if there had been bodies, or it might have been worse, she didn't really know. All she did know was that the choice had been taken away from them, from the families and friends of those left behind. Pain twisted in her heart and she had to pinch the bridge of her nose to stop the tears from forming. She'd never had the chance to say goodbye, couldn't even remember what their last words had been, probably something inane, something to do with the incursion. Kate had remembered the look on Osgood's face when she found out that they had wanted her to play a significant part in the set up to subdue Missy and The Doctor. How excited she'd been and pleased that they thought enough of her abilities to pull it off.
The truth was that Osgood's self-confidence had been steadily growing and Kate had been doing everything she could to encourage it. The younger woman always been exceptionally clever, brilliant even, but her lack of confidence and self-esteem had been a barrier to letting her light shine. Their friendship had grown as Kate had spent more time with her, sometimes just talking and listening, sometimes working down in the labs on some of Osgood's side projects together. At other times they had sat amongst the tourists milling around The Tower and ate lunch together and occasionally they went out to dinner after hours. There had always been an attraction between them, unspoken and unacknowledged because Osgood was her subordinate first and friend second. But it had been getting harder and harder to ignore the more time they had spent alone together and the deeper their friendship had grown. Osgood's renewed confidence had meant that eventually she made the first move, by kissing her swiftly but briefly, right here in her office. Kate had kissed her back and then they'd stared at each other for long moments allowing the weight of what they'd done, the line they had just crossed, to settle over them. Kate had asked Osgood if she was sure and the younger woman had grinned, nodded and replied that she'd never been more sure of anything. There was a relief that had come with the words and suddenly they were in each other's arms kissing the way they had both wanted to for some time.
They had only been together a few months but what a difference it had made for both of them. Everyone had noticed how much more confident Osgood had become, realised her true potential and opportunities started coming her way more frequently. She was happier, more cheerful and cracked more jokes than she ever had done before. Kate was noticeably happier too but no one apart from Gordon dare mention it. Kate had wondered for a moment, if she hadn't been so caught up in her own emotions, been so bloody happy, then perhaps she'd have predicted better how things would have gone with the investigation into 3W and Missy and she'd been able to have prevented so many unnecessary deaths. Just when Kate had realised that she'd been falling in love, really falling in love, it was so cruelly snatched away from her. Perhaps that was her punishment, for what she wasn't sure but she felt that somehow she deserved it and the cycle of depression and despair went round again.
Kate had tried, unsuccessfully, to finish some reports about the plane crash and catalogue the string of decisions that had been made on that fateful day. She pulled open her desk drawer in search of a spare pen and a blue inhaler rolled into her line of sight. It prompted another twinge of pain in her heart and this time she couldn't have prevented the torrent of tears even if she had wanted to. She sat behind her desk at UNIT HQ crying properly for her loss for the first time in days. She was so consumed by her grief that she'd almost forgotten where she was and the time of day. She was vaguely aware of a quiet, gentle voice calling her name. It was familiar somehow, comforting even. She looked up and saw a large window of light, spitting and pulsating, throwing out a multitude of colours and hues across the room.
"Kate, Kate…." Her father's voice, it was so clear, almost as though he was standing right next to her. She really must be cracking up if this is what she thought she was hearing. She tried closing her eyes and shaking her head to rid her mind of the image in front of her but it was still there when she opened them again.
"Dad?" Her voice was hoarse from all the crying she'd done, her face streaked by the tracks of her tears.
"It's alright Tiger, I've got you." It was what he had said to her, over and over as he'd caught her from the plane and lowered her back to the Earth. She'd barely been conscious but she'd felt it and heard it all the same. "Come on, we haven't got much time." His voice was still gentle but commanding too, never a man with much patience, even in death.
"Time? Time for what?" Kate stood then and made her way over to the light, a portal she assumed. That was, if this was actually real and she wasn't currently dreaming or being carted off to an institution instead. She noticed a dark shadow in the middle, moving ever so slightly behind the light. If she didn't know any better she would swear it was the shape of her father. Tall and broad, probably wearing his UNIT flat cap and green uniform jumper, just like he was in the picture on board the plane.
"I found her, well she found me actually. Anyway it doesn't matter how, what matters is that she's coming home, to you." He sounded pleased with himself, like he'd done something really clever that Kate had yet to catch on to.
"I don't understand." Another shadow drew her attention; this one was lighter and smaller than the one in her father's shape. Kate gasped and put a hand over her mouth in shock. "Please don't do this to me, if this is some sort of cosmic joke then it's not very funny." Tears rolled down her face unchecked and her heart rate sped up in anticipation of being severely disappointed. Any moment now she was going to wake up from this dream-nightmare and the grief would feel stronger than ever.
"It's not a joke Kate, I'm really coming back. That is, if you want me to?" Osgood sounded uncertain, hesitant. "I'm sorry that I was such an idiot, I should have known what Missy was going to do. I did know, deep down. But I just froze, couldn't think of how to get out of it, what to do next." Kate's heart went out to her, hadn't she just made similar mistakes on a much larger scale? If only they'd headed underground instead of making themselves more vulnerable in the air. If only she'd made the connections sooner, or called the Doctor instead of letting him come to her.
"Of course I want you to! And you're not an idiot; you're the cleverest, brightest, bravest, most beautiful woman I know. And I love you." It was the first time she'd said it aloud to Osgood and she'd said it so earnestly. But something was off, if it was as simple as that then why wasn't Osgood already here? Why was she still standing the other side of the portal? "What's the catch?" The suspicious UNIT leader was back in business and she had to temper her emotions.
"You have to make a choice, me or her. It's your love that will pull one of us through but it has to be the right choice otherwise you lose both of us. I'm sorry Tiger, we don't have a choice in this either." Kate's heart sank at the news. Hadn't she been punished enough? To have to make the choice between her father and her lover with the chance that she could lose both of them anyway would torment her more than any pain she was already in.
"How can I possibly choose between the two of you? That's not fair! I love you both equally!" Kate ran her hands over her face and paced the floor of her office in frustration. Her head was full of indecision and heart felt heavy and how was she supposed to think with all the arguing between the two?! She tried to think logically, choosing her father would fill the void he had left in her life when he had died. She sorely missed his guidance, his unwavering support and love. He clearly still had so much to give and UNIT could really use his experienced leadership right now too. Gordon would have the grandfather back that he so adored and her life would be so full of joy once again. If she chose Osgood the younger woman would have the chance to live out the rest of her life that had been so cruelly cut short. Her father Tom had been in pieces, a man that had served under her own father and had looked up to him in turn. If Osgood came back maybe they could see how their relationship would have progressed had she not died? The trouble was, it wasn't guaranteed and given her relationship history, Kate doubted her own ability to keep it afloat for long.
"The portal's weakening Kate, you really don't have much time to decide." The Brigadier said it in that gentle but pushy voice once again. Why did he have to sound so kind and comforting and familiar?
"Then help me! Tell me what I should do. I can't lose you both… not again!" The despair was evident in her voice.
"You already know what you should decide. Go with your heart and love will guide you through." Kate was a scientist, she rarely made decisions with her heart. She needed evidence and guarantees and a basis founded in research. She'd been making decisions with her head for most of her life and it had served her well enough. But this wasn't an ordinary situation, there was nothing scientific about what was being asked of her.
"Osgood?" The younger woman had been oddly quiet, seemingly awaiting her fate without feeling the need to plead her case.
"Yes Kate?" She could hear the tears in her voice, could feel the pain of her heartache even through the void.
"Isn't he marvellous? One of the best men you could ever wish to meet, let alone have as your father. The Doctor might be your hero but this one's mine." Kate could just about make out her father's hand on Osgood's shoulder, or at least that's what it looked like to her. "Thank you for being there for me, for saving me and giving me a second chance." It took Osgood a second or two to realise that Kate had been talking to her father, saying her goodbye. Her breathing quickened and had she been in the real world she would certainly have needed to use her inhaler. She felt The Brigadier gently push her forward, towards the edge of the portal and she closed her eyes as she stepped through. Before she knew it Kate's hand had grabbed her, pulled her the rest of the way out and then wrapped her up in her arms in the tightest hug she had ever experienced. They cried together, unable to speak or think of what to say to each other. They sat on the floor of Kate's office, crying and hugging for long minutes after the portal had collapsed in on itself. Finally, slowly their sobs eased and their eyes met. Kate reached out and took Osgood's face in her hands, stroking her cheeks and her hair, over and over, hardly daring to believe that she was real and alive in her arms.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Osgood kept repeating over and over, sorry for getting herself killed in the first place, sorry for letting her down, sorry that she'd had to choose her over her father. Kate shook her head definitively.
"You've got nothing to be sorry for. You were the right choice, you have so much life still to live. Dad had seen so much, done so much and lived a long, full life. If you're amenable, I was hoping that we could have another go at living some of that life together?" Somehow, through the sorrow and the tears, Kate's smile seemed to light up the room and warmed Osgood's heart. She nodded shyly in response, her heart soaring from the happiness that was beginning to seep back in.
"I'd like that, very much." Osgood couldn't help herself and leaned forward to kiss Kate again, who met her with equal fervour. She didn't think she would ever tire of kissing the blonde.
"I meant what I said you know. I love you. I just never realised it until I lost you." Relationships had never been easy for Kate and this one had crept up on her by surprise.
"I love you too but I worked that out a long time ago." She'd just been waiting for Kate to sort out her own self-perceived barriers and make that leap of faith.
"Yes, well… you're just a clever clogs." They burst into laughter and then kept laughing at how absurd their situation was. How they were going to explain Osgood's miraculous resurrection was beyond them for now. Kate wasn't even sure she fully understood it herself and she realised that it was perhaps for the best. All she knew was that they had a second chance and that they were going to make the most of it.