I'm Ready
She's pulling on her shoes, an old pair of running shoes she's been unable to use since the shooting. And even though she's excited to be lacing them up again, her eyes show worry and her mouth cringes with the simple effort of looping the tiny frustrating pieces of string together. She never thought she'd have to do this. Never thought that she'd be down so long she'd have to pick herself back up again, physically for the most part. It's been months since she's been at her desk, and even longer since she's ducked under the familiar yellow tape. An now...now she's unsure if she's ready. She's been telling all of them since she got out of the hospital that she can handle it. She's Detective Kate Beckett. Of course she can do this. It's her job, her life. But now? Now that she's actually able to do a little more than sit around and heal...she's unsure. Scared actually. But she wont let them see it. Especially Castle.
There's a knock at the door and Kate looks up brow furrowed, hands still fumbling with the laces. Her hands are shaking from the effort and her stomach wound is adding to the stress. She tucks her hair behind her ear and sits up straight letting out a slow breath through her o shaped mouth, eyes closed. And then with a slight cringe of anticipation, she heaves herself from the sofa and opens one eye riding out the pain. There is another knock, sounds more frantic and she hides the aching deep inside as she makes her way to the door. With complete composer Kate opens the door.
"Hey Castle." She greets the writer who looks her up and down while she pulls her hair up into a ponytail from the band on her wrist. He's been doing that a lot, searching her completely before coming to the fortunate conclusion that she's actually okay.
"Kate, are you sure your ready for this?" He asks, giving her a look. That look that says he knows she's hiding most of her pain from him.
She sees this, and rolls her eyes at him. Dropping her hands to her sides, covering her tracks with a silly grin. "It's just a mile run Castle." She grabs a light jacket from the hook by the door, looking into the sleeve with uncertainty in her eyes and then looks up at him again, head tilted to one side playfully. "Think you can keep up?" She brushes by him going out into the hall.
He raises an eyebrow with intrigue. Thinks about asking her if she can keep up with him, but thinks better of it. Now is not the time for those sort of remarks. "I so can." He than decides on, closing her door behind him and catching up with her at the elevator.
They step into the elevator in unison and she leans back against the far wall. Castle looks down at her from his place next to her. She can see him at the corner of her eye and schools her face to show only readiness for this simple exercise. Yet she knows it will certainly not be simple. Her friends don't know it, but she' still in pain most often. Sure she takes her medication but sometime it just does not help. Especially when she thinks about the moment she was shot. As if the bullet just pierced her skin. And when that happens she has to keep telling herself that it's just Mind over Matter.
Castle is the most help though. He doesn't even need to do anything. Just be there. With him all her worries melt away, and she can breath again. She thinks he knows this, to an extent. because he'll make up any excuse to come be with her. Other than the fact the she heard what he said in the cemetery. That would be a huge factor in him wanting to be around her. She's known this too, she's not going to even lie to herself about that one.
"Kate?"
Kate, I love you, I love you Kate.
His voice echos in her mind. Kate blinks a few times and looks up at Castle who stands at the elevator door which is open. She didn't even realize the elevator stopped. She shrugs a little and walks passed him and steps out into the cool air of New York City. There is a light breeze that plays with the loose stands of hair from her ponytail. They tickle her face but she ignores them as she lifts her nose up to the sky. Kate breaths in deeply, also ignoring the slight pain that shouts from her abdomen to her chest, making her eyes sting with tears she will not shed.
"You know, we can always do this another day, you don't seem..." He trails off and then looks at her apologetic.
"Ready? Is that what you were about to say?" She jumps on the defensive, hands on either hip eyes fixed on him, voice dripping with hurt and a little venom. She can't help it. All of this has made her more sensitive and even more ashamed of herself for not being as strong as she used too.
"N..no..." He says non convincingly. "I just.." He sighs.
Her face softens and she feels guilty. She ends up giving him a small apologetic smile and lifts up one leg, holding onto her foot with one hand and balancing while she stretches a little. "Lets just do this." She lets that foot down and does the other teetering to one side.
Castle catches her by the elbow with a panicked expression, eyes wide but she smiles again at him tight lipped and looks down at the ground while she stretches. "I've got you." He whispers delayed and continues to hold her arm. She drops her foot and stands ready.
"uh Castle?"
He's silent. Staring at her but clearly gone.
"Castle?"
"Wha...yea?" He shakes his head and looks into her eyes intensely.
Kate wonders what he could have been thinking about. Knowing him it could have been silly or quite serious. And from the look on his face it's very serious. She frowns for a moment, noting the worried lines forming permanently on his face, around his eyes joining the wrinkles already made from his usual playful and carefree nature. She misses the way his eyes crinkle and smile with his mouth. Only now his mouth is fixed taunt, slightly open and his eyes look far away and lost. His face paler and his body skinnier than she''s ever seen him...Her heart sinks. She's done this to him.
Her arm he's not still grasping raises of it's own accord, and her hand rests on the side of his face, cupping his cheek. Her eyes grow a little wide at her own actions but she relaxes when he moves into her touch. She doesn't quite know what to say to him, but quickly realizes she doesn't need to say anything at all. She just stares into those deep blues of his. Seeing all of him, perhaps even his soul. Castle stares right back, and she questions herself a moment or two if his eyes have misted over. There's a struggle there in those marvelous eyes of his and she just wants to sooth it all away.
But she doesn't know how. She's not good at this stuff. She thinks maybe she could tell him she loves him too. She certainly feels it...it's there, right on the tip of her tongue...but her impulses of expression are broken. She just cannot do it no matter how badly she wants to.
Can he see this? Can he see all her emotions in her eyes. Her emerald green eyes that tear up whenever she's alone. That cry the tears no one knows about. So many tears have spilled from those eyes since the shooting. All from the pain in her soul, and the ache in her very real bullet wound.
Castle reaches up and cups her hand still on his cheek. She closes her eyes on contact, a flutter souring through her chest. She has a flashback of the hanger, how his hand soothingly wiped the tears from her eyes, how her own hand came up to his face, like now. And then she's thinking about the tears in his eyes as she lay on the grass, her own blood on her white glove. She was trapped inside her own body. Screaming in pain inside her own head, and screaming her response to his confession.
She opens her eyes once again to see he's grown closer. Castle's eyes reflect the very thoughts she just had. It's amazing how that happens. As if they are linked somehow by one invisable lifeline. This intangible web of...of what? Fate? Kismet? This cosmic string of life and love and hope, a path so divine it's brought itself full circle, encompassing these two people. Orbiting around them with a force so strong neither can deny it any longer.
The honking of a horn not too far away brings these two out of their stupor. How long have they been standing here? Only seconds really, and it's felt like much much longer. For now she does not care, she's not ready to break away from whatever this is that is going on. She rubs her thumb lightly on his pale cheek. Still feeling horrible for causing him so much pain and worry.
He lets out a breath, mirroring the small sigh that escapes her lips. He leans in, and her heart catches in her throat. Is he going to kiss her? His lips rest on the flushed skin of her forehead and she sighs again, eyes closed, hand slipping from his face. He still wont let go of her arm.
"Castle?" She breaths, voice wavering and unsure.
"Hmm?"
"Can I have my arm back?" Her voice stronger but soft.
He pulls away, and chuckles. "right, you need that." He remarks reluctantly stepping away.
She misses the closeness and looks away from him down the sidewalk. "I'm ready." She says, finally sounding sure of herself. She glances up at him then, smiling a real smile, and steps closer. "But stand close okay?" She asks still a little scared of what this could do to her.
"I'm right here." He says in a low tone, stepping even closer, they stand side by side looking down the sidewalk. He waits for her.
"Always?" She asks, surprised at her own question.
"Always."
Alright...this is a product of random thought. I recently took up running and I thought of a fanfic of teasing and things. Like maybe Kate goes for a usual morning run and Castle joins her, not being able to keep up...annnnd this is what came out... For some reason it got serious in the beginning and I just kept at it. Bare with me I have not written in a while, even my own book sits abandoned in my computer collecting virtual cobwebs...so I hope you liked this...Reviews are needed and always helpful. :D