So... hi guys ! Let me start with telling you that I have this little issue , sometimes out of nowhere I get this fics ideas stuck in my head, and I can't get rid of them I see them over and over like a damn movie, so I HAVE to write them to get rid of them , but I just write like a big Summary , so this is actually my FIRST fic , so is it too much for me to ask you to be gentle ?

Also ... I saw once this japanese movie , about this teenagers that were born without sex, and from there I got the "no gender" idea. P!G warning for those of you who don't like it.

one more thing I don't have a beta so all the mistakes are mine and if you are interest to become mine beta let me know.

I don't own Glee

Back to the beginning

Chapter 1

You know that feeling when you feel the need to laugh your lungs out of your body cause what they tell you is just too fucking ridiculous to even consider the possibility of it being true ? Well multiply that by ten and you'll get how I felt , seriously how does something like that happen ?

But...for you to understand what I'm talking about I have to start by the beginning of this fucked up as hell and messed up situation.

It was just a normal day , just like all the others ( funny how so many stories start with that same stupid phrase, right ? ) anyway back to business , well how does a normal day start in the Lopez bedroom you ask ? That is easy with me sleeping in till past twelve, naked and with the smell of sex, I don't like to cuddle after sex , or have small talks till we fall asleep or have breakfast together the next morning, not my thing so I keep it simple we did our thing, had our fun and they will leave as soon as possible, when they fell asleep before I could tell them to get out , I slept on my couch and got rid of them first thing in the morning, then I could go back to dreamland and sleep away my hungover, then I'll wake up take a shower go out for coffee and eat whatever I was in the mood for that day, it is a pretty damn life that was threatening to come to an end.

The day was supposed to start that way but of course it didn't , it started with this annoying noise that woke me up, at the beginning I thought it was Kriss, this dancer with a killing body , she is a back up dancer and was more often than not on tour , whenever she was in town we will catch up and by that I mean have sex till we couldn't move, she is hot , good in bed and just like me she didn't want a relationship, so sue me.

But when I looked around my one bedroom apartment and didn't saw her I knew it wasn't her the place was pretty small so I really didn't needed to look twice.

I shouted at the person behind the door - give me a minute !- and went to put some boy boxer shorts and a tank top over my naked body, now that I think about it , would have made a difference if I wouldn't have open that door? What would be deferent ? Because that was the moment when everything change, when everything got messed up.

Who was at the other side of that door ?

- Good morning - the guy with a couple of pounds too much and the world most ugly t-shirt spoke after he finished scanning my body and clearing his trot a couple of times , to say I wasn't in a good mood was an understatement, I mean he woke me up of my much needed sleep and he was leering at me like a damn pervert , well that I didn't mind so much I'm hot as hell and if I ever meet myself in boxer shorts and a tank top that sincerely didn't leave much to imagination, I would have had the same reaction , I can't blame him, so I guess I was only in a bad mood cause he woke me up, and that was still reason enough for me to glare at him like my live was depending of it. - Santana Lopes?- he asked and when I didn't answered him he spoke again - I'm Maikel Scofield§, from Social Services I need to talk to you about Miss Royers - well that got my attention ,my heart stopped beating and the simple mention of her name brought back so much pain, that I worked so fucking hard to bury away and now it was back and it felt like it was yesterday when everything happen all the memories that I would have give everything to erase were fresh in my head and with that all that pain turned in anger so much anger , even after all this time it hasn't go away. I drooped my hands from where they were crossed above my chest and looked a the floor for a moment lost in all the memories and then back to him I was about to shut the freaking door on his face when he spoke again and his words made my whole body froze with my hands on the handle of the door. - she died - was what he said.

At that moment I didn't know what to feel , yes my anger didn't vanished , but I felt that emotions you feel when someone you loved dies , even when that person made a fool of you and broke you heart, even when you haven't see them in years, even when you put so much effort in doing everything you can to hate them, I don't know if I could explain how I felt at that moment, it were so many mixed feeling that I wouldn't know where to start explaining them. I felt like I had been under water way too long my head felt heavy , my lungs were burning and even when I open my mound a couple of time I wasn't able of breathe, the back of my ayes were burning too like when you feel the need to cry, only I didn't exactly felt that it was more like headache.
I needed to sit down so that's what I did , and left the door open for him to follow me inside.

- wh-what happened ? - I asked after a few minutes of just looking down at my hands, he was sitting next to me.

- brain tumor I'm sorry -

- don't be ..- okay yeah that sounded a little cold , so I tried to explain myself.

-I-I mean...I haven't see her in like ...-a tried to think a little before answering - seven years or ...something -

I wasn't exactly sure and I didn't want to think about it so whatever, is not that I didn't care , cause of course I did but it just...after wat happen she..she cheated on me and it wasn't like a little thing what we had , it was damn serious , it was back in college , last year of college actually , we were together for like six years , we met in high school and she was my first girlfriend , well she was my first everything , I hated what I was back then but with her it felt ...right...everything felt right. I was actually going to propose her like... really, I wanted to get married and the whole bullshit, I had everything worked out, I wanted to wait till we finished college then our lives together could really start , I had bought a engagement ring and had saved money so we could move together, I found her two weeks before we finished college with some stupid guy in a party half naked ,I was so stupid ...so whatever, I felt sorry ..I mean I felt sorry she died of course, but how many of us hadn't wish for that ? Just for a second even if we take it back as soon as it enter our mind ,when we are all heart broken and it hurt to breath, we all have at some point, and if you say you don't , you are lying your ass off ,or you haven't really been hurt. But finishing my story Puck and I moved to New York and with the money I had saved and the money he had saved with the pool cleaning thing we open a club , got drunk a lot , fucked some damn hot girls and never looked back.

He just nodded and opened his mouth to speak again but I already had enough, he hasn't being there more than two minutes and I had enough of him.

- what do you want ? - and if looks could kill , I'm pretty sure he would be dead by know , seriously what's his deal ? He came to told me my ex died but why did he bothered coming here? And there he was sitting next to me like he wasn't even planing to leave.

He started looking around and I could really see how nervous he was, he cleared his throat, again , before looking back at me , I'm sure he was ashamed that a tiny girl (woman) like myself was making a big grow up man , like him , uncomfortable and that made my smirk.

- I'll cut to the chase then - he said and I nodded with the same smirk .

- She had a son - my smirk dropped immediately , I wanted to answer with something like good for her, but I was already feeling a hell of a headache coming up and all I wanted was for him to get the hell out of my place, so I just replied with

-and I should care because...- I waited for him to finis my phrase.

- because he is your son too- I just looked at him for a few second and before I new it I was laughing my friggin' ass of, I mean seriously .Ever.

I laughed till I couldn't take the pain on my sides anymore , my eyes started watering and I was having trouble breathing, after a few minutes my laugh died and the words finally reached my brain. I looked at him but he has the same serious face that he had when he said it , I couldn't find any tracks that it was a joke in his face. For a second all my thoughts stoped and my head was blank , I couldn't heard anything , feel anything or see anything. But like I said it was for a second and just like that they came all back at once and it was like watching ten different programs at the same time and I couldn't concentrate in any of them for more than a second. I could feel a panic attack coming up and I stood so fast making the stool I was sitting on fall on the ground and the annoying noise didn't help the hell of the headache I was having. And at that moment I figured why he was here , and no way in hell I was going to agree with THAT. .Way.

- you have to be freaking kidding my ...- I start talking without looking at him just walking in circles over and over again - you have you just HAVE to be kidding ..who the hell do you think you are ? Eh eh ? Who the hell does SHE think she is ? Sh-She can't just...died and...ex-expect me to..to...I can't even thing about it ...it impossible completely impossible it ju-just that can't be , I mean of course it's not possible that whor...- I stopped myself there, after all she was dead - s-s-she cheated on me , you see ? She cheated I can't have a s...- the word was stuck in my throat -anything ..I can't have anything with her , I just CAN NOT, do you understand that? Do you ?- I spoke so fast that I didn't have a chance to breath , not once through my whole speech and not once did I looked at him, till he spoked.

- please Miss Lopes calm down-

- calm down ? Calm dow ? Are you kidding me ? How the hell can I calm down ? You just go around all the time telling people shit like this..it my be normal for you ..but not for me, It ca- he interrupted me.

- you have other options - I could hear in his voice that he was trying to calm me down, and his trick worked , it didn't stopped my head from freaking out but he got my attention.

- options ? - I wasn't calm enough to sit down but al least I wasn't walking in circles anymore, that was something right ?

He nodded - yes, we can make some tests -

Not what I was expecting exactly - is that your "option" ? - my voice came out as irritated as I was feeling.

- or you can deny the custody ? - he was standing now next to me.

I expected to feel some sort of relief but guilty was I felt - I can work with that - I said.

- good , I'll need you to sign some papers - he took a card out and handed it to me -can you meet me tomorrow ? I'll have everything ready - he waited till I nodded - good , does at three work for you ? - I nodded again and he smiled -alright then , see you tomorrow Miss Lopez - and he extended his hand for me to shake it , I did and nodded, I really didn't feel like talking , AT ALL. So he just smiled polity and left.

Being finally alone I tried to calm myself down, taking deep breaths. I look around the apartment, the place was small , but it was good enough for me , I didn't expend a lot of time there anyways. I could see my room from where I was sitting at the couch the place was a mess just like the rest of the apartment , clothes were lying everywhere around my room, I looked at the small kitchen and saw the boxes of take out some of them were there for days and the rest of the place wasn't much better , a Tv in front of the couch and a small square table with two stools in the kitchen and that was it.

I was lying down on the couch trying to figure out how all of this happen. Well I knew how IT happen , there is story behind that and it isn't a secret to anyone. When I was born I wasn't a boy nor a girl, they called it "no gender" my clitoris was too long to be a clitoris and too small to be a penis. So my parents had to decide what I was going to be , well my dad did , she freaked out and left , I guess she didn't love me or my dad enough, but I don't care about her I have an amazing mother. So anyway my dad decided I was going to be a girl , but he refused any operation they usually did to "correct" the problem, he knew I could change so he left that choice for me. Growing up I loved being a girl , I loved it , the skirts , the dresses , the heels , the make up , everything I loved everything. But I knew something wasn't right , but the time I started High School all my friends had boobs but I didn't so I wore BH's and filled it with napkins , I was so mad at the world , why me ? Why couldn't I be a girl ? But thing only kept going wrong when my "clitoris" started growing up turning into...well a penis. I was so depressed, I didn't eave my room for weeks, and to make matters it was getting harder every day to deny my attraction to girls, I knew sinds I was around eight how I felt about them , but I always lied to myself , I always told myself that the sky wasn't blue. To get me out of my room my dad promises my I could get a boob job for my sixteen birthday, I still needed to wait two years for that but I was over the moon with the idea, I still was depressed about the whole situation , but something was something, so I just kept taking my hormones like I have be doing for years. By the time I was seventeen Liza Royers,who I met in freshman , was my girlfriend , she loved the little toy between my legs, well not exactly little at all. And we discovered how much fun we could have with it , I loved it , still do , like I started saying back then , I have the best of both world.

I broke my train of thoughts and looked at the clock on my phone, 11.26 a.m , I needed a drink or more like a couple of them. That was a hell of a morning.

To be continued ...