I watched while his casket was sitting on a high stand, body looking the most calm it had ever looked. It seemed like he showered the most calm it had ever looked. It seemed like he showered right before he did it, probably wanting to look his best for everyone who was coming, although I can't imagine why. He hated everyone, we used to stay up late and talk about how much we hated everyone we knew, you'd think I was over exaggerating when I say we hated almost everyone we learned the name of. But we were seventeen, how can you not hate everyone you meet?

I got to stay at his casket as long as I pleased, even though I really didn't want to stay at all. The way Gerard looked at me while he swung a little back and forth from an exposed ceiling beam has scarred me. I didn't notice the first time but now that I could see his face clearly I noticed there was something off about his looks.

His mouth wasn't the right shape, I'd kissed them enough to have them memorized, and his hair was coming in blonde. You couldn't notice it unless you looked closely, and I know for a fact that Gerard has never had blonde hair in his entire life. Mikey dyed his blonde and Gerard constantly made fun of him for it. I guess everyone figured it had something to do with what the doctors did to clean the bodies up before their funerals or something, I didn't fucking know.

When I found him, I wasn't able to look away. I couldn't pull him down or hug him or kiss him goodbye. I just froze and didn't move. Somehow I managed to call the police and have them pick him up, even then I couldn't leave his room. I watched as they took him away and all I could do was curl up under his sheets and take in his smell.

I remember that night better then any night, they took him away and I quietly told them I'd stay there. I watched them leave from Gerard's second floor bedroom window before pulling his favorite hoodie up over my head and climbing into his bed. It all seemed stupidly unreal to me, I was sick to my stomach. So sick that, while I was lying in his bed and tears fell down his face, I thought I heard him crying from just inside of the closet door which is where he hid whenever his mother did something to unset him. It caused more tears to fall down as more of our memories together swam around in my mind.

I haven't been able to detached myself from most of his clothing, wanting to constantly smell him. I hated it when the smell would ware off, at least his mom didn't care about me taking his things and sleeping in his room so I did it often, and every time I'd end up hearing Gerard's voice mumbling something to me.

The last time I spent the night there I heard him singing while I slept, obviously I couldn't let him go otherwise he wouldn't be taking over my thoughts.

Part of me doesn't want to let him go, the other part wants me to die so I can be with him but I know he wouldn't have wanted that.

The funeral ended soon with the lowering of his body, I went home before they brought him to the cemetery, well I went to his house and took a long nap in his bed. His mother was so used to me coming downstairs in the morning that she sets the table for three still.

I walked home in one of Gerard's oldest hoodies, it was quite loose on me which kept me warm. I constantly put the sleeves up to my mouth and inhaling him deeply, the sleeves having been longer then my hands and covering them completely. The sweater got tight at the bottom which kept it held up around my waist, bunching up a bit because it was, like I said, quite big on me.

I kept my eyes to the ground, letting the October breeze engulf me in its sweetness. The smell of after rain stuck in my nose when I removed my hands from my face. I ran my fingers through my hair a little, feeling a stress headache begin to grow as I got closer and closer to my own house. My mother wasn't in the picture anymore which was why I'm an only child, my father worked all day and almost all night trying to keep food on our table. We barely talked anymore so he doesn't bother asking where I'm going or when I'll be home, he knows I'm smart and he knows I'll return home at some point.

His car wasn't in the driveway, which meant he was still at work, but there was a small box that looked like it was thrown against the front door to my home. I was a little irritated by the careless way delivery men treated things but I shrugged it away, getting distracted by my name in bold letters near the top corner.

The box was sealed with tape and I couldn't help my curiosity as I picked it up and shook it a little to try and find out what was inside. A tight rattle filled my ears as I pushed the door open, stalking my way into the kitchen and taking out the first knife I saw, I think it was a pear knife. I wasn't an expert on cutting knives but Gerard's mom would teach me cooking skills whenever I came over, always being interested in what she was doing.

I stabbed the tape and ran the knife smoothly across the top, ripping it open dying to see what was inside. I didn't even notice until there was no return address until I unraveled sixteen mini CD's each with their own case, each marked with a number; from one to sixteen. I set the CD's back into the box and brought the box up to my bedroom, searching desperately for my 'baby' CD player so I wouldn't have to sit at home and listen to whatever they had on them.

I have to admit, it scared me a bit, but I was also excited. I didn't even know who it was from so I couldn't even guess what was on them. It was probably just some stupid prank Brendon or Mikey was doing to me, they always liked to get on my nerves when I least expected it.

I finally found it and shoved the headphone jack into it, pulling them over my head and clicking the CD in. I sat down onto my bed, back against the wall with my knees pulled up to my chest, box laying next to my legs. I pressed play and put the CD player down next to me almost losing it in the sheets because of how small it was.

I wrapped my arms around my legs and put my chin in between the space on my knees. The CD was silent for a long moment, I strained to listen to silence, turning it up slowly.

Without warning, Gerard's voice filled my head and water began to build in my eyes.