The Kid No One Else Knows
"Rider Comin'!"
Even as I say the familiar phrase, my eyes lift from the oncoming dust cloud of horse and rider on the horizon to the horse and rider in the Express station's yard. Not for the first time, I admire the precision instrument that horse and rider become -- the absolute unity that Kid and Katy share. Already mounted, I can see the narrowed gleam of expectation in the Kid's blue eyes even in the shade of his ever present hat that he's pulled a little lower to keep out the glaring summer sun.
His knuckles tensely hold the reins as Katy twists and turns in restless expectation of the ride to come. Calm and possessed, broad shoulders filling out the blue chambray shirt, legs nudging Katy's painted flanks expertly, one would think that Kid had been born to this life, the son of some rich Western rancher instead of the orphaned youngest child of poor dirt farmers from Virginia. It's a sight that is a far cry from the skinny, quiet boy in buckskins I met that first day in Sweetwater.
I bite my lip and duck myhead to hide the blush spreading across my cheeks as he takes advantage of one of Katy's restless turns to toss me a grin and a wink. One of the many disadvantages of masquerading as a man is that I'm unable to enjoy the few moments when he does flirt openly. I fell in love with him the moment he was willing to risk everything to keep my secret, long before we'd progressed to anything even close to flirting. Once we did, though, my heart was long gone. The first time he winked at me, I remember kissing him so hard that we'd backed into a wall in the barn and knocked off half the equipment hanging there!
You see, Kid is not very flirtatious or publicly demonstrative even when we're somewhere where I can be a woman without fear of losing my job. When he was a boy and was interested in his first crush, any attempt to show his interest in her was met with derision and cruel teasing from the other boys, his "friend" Garth among them. The girl ended up rebuffing Kid's interest because he was poor and broke his heart.
Oh, he downplayed the whole thing when telling me about it shortly after Doritha's death. Still, I know it affected him deeply, making him shy and insecure when it comes to the opposite sex. Actually, the incident explains a lot really. Thing is, there's no need for his shyness because Kid's every woman's dream: hard working, honest, noble, gentle, and absolutely delicious to look at with a wicked sense of humor that rarely gets used.
Kid is very intense in everything he does -- there's no going half-way with him, it's all or nothing. To have his whole attention centered on me is so very exciting and more than a little scary. There's so many days where I either want to run away from him, afraid that I'm losing myself in him, or throw him down on the bunkhouse table and make love to him until we're both healed from every hurt and fear we have.
I watch the handoff and stare after him as he and Katy head west for their run. It's a strong image that stays in my mind long after I can no longer see them. As strong as he appears to everyone he knows, I know inside that there's a young boy just waiting for someone else he loves to either abandon him or die.
The controlled Kid that everyone sees and knows is a direct product of the chaos his life has been until now. Living here and riding for the Pony Express is the most stability he's ever known. Here, he gets three meals a day, a roof over his head, a bed to sleep on, and people who care about him enough to not manipulate, beat, or intimidate him.
I should know. I've seen the scars he carries from his father's drunken beatings with a fire poker and whiskey bottle. I've seen the deep knife scar on his right shoulder from the time his foster father tried to molest him when he was twelve. The fear and anger at that moment had out won sense and he'd turned around, ignoring the point of the knife digging into his shoulder, beating the man to death. After that, Kid ran away and tried unsuccessfully to find Jed. He spent years on his own before finally answering the ad posted in St. Joe.
What most folks don't know, not even our fellow riders who are our family, is that Kid very successfully hides one hell of a temper behind that control he shows. In fact, it may be worse than even Jimmy's. Jimmy's temper is all hellfire and brimstone; if he's angry, all and sundry will know it and he'll usually act on it pretty quickly with that hair-trigger of his.
Kid's temper, however, is icy calm -- cold and calculating. He disconnects from the world once his control is gone and there's nothing scarier than the coldness of those blue eyes staring right through you. There are two reasons that Kid will never allow himself to lose control: his foster father's death riding his conscience and the fear of becoming like his father. What I have yet to convince Kid is that I know he'd never come close to being like his pa; his heart is too big.
Kid's temper may be big, but so is his capacity to love and that's what keeps me coming back. His compassion for others and his ability to forgive astounds me every day.
I've hurt him. I saw that only too well when I said I wasn't ready to marry him yet. Something shattered inside him that day and the guilt I still bear is sometimes overwhelming.
Is it possible to love someone too much? I think so. As much as I love him, and did love him then, the idea of possessing someone's heart and being possessed -- that sense of power -- scares me to death.
It's never been the lovin' that was the problem (and boy, is it not a problem!); it was the livin' together that we couldn't quite master.
As to the lovin'... well, let's just say that Kid's a natural and I'm not the instigator most of the time -- hence, why he seemed to have more of a problem with the guilt of a physical relationship than I did. Most men would care less about the consequences to a woman and her reputation in favor of havin' a little fun; not Kid. Like I said, he's every woman's dream and I wonder more times than I should why he'd wanna be with me. Guess there's no accountin' for taste, huh?
Did I mention how smart he is? No? Well he is. Look this isn't just me talkin' up my man.... Hmm, I like the sound of that. Wait, no. No, distractions, Louise. Anyway, no one would know that Kid reads anything he can get his hands on. If there's writing on it, even stupid stuff like ingredients, he's reading it. Thing is, he doesn't read well aloud and it embarrasses him.
See, in Virginia, he wasn't able to attend school as much as he'd like. His pa had no use for it and on the days his pa wasn't around, Kid either had no shoes or clothes good enough for school or was hiding from the world sporting bruises from another night of his pa's carousing. Once his pa ran out for good, Kid couldn't go to school because he was trying to work and take care of his mama.
The one thing he did learn was how to read. He remembers almost everything he's read, too. It's scary how much he knows for never having had much schoolin'.
My mama was a teacher before I came along, so when I wasn't in school, she was teachin' us at home. Kid told me once that one of the things he loved about me was that we could talk about all sorts of things together and that I wasn't afraid to state my mind. Of course, we won't talk about the times statin' my mind's gotten me into trouble now will we?
Don't get me wrong, the Kid is far from perfect. Sometimes his insecurity really becomes a problem, like when he thinks Jimmy and I have somethin' going on the side. And don't get me started on that possessive streak of his or the hovering he does!
He's completely oblivious of the way girls flirt with him and sometimes, when a beautiful woman is nearby, he's such a guy and I think he'll drown in the drool running down his chin. It drives me crazy and those days I'd just like to slug him. If I'm in a bad mood, he always thinks it's his fault. Most of the time it's not, but try tellin' him that!
But despite everything, or maybe inspite of it, he's mine. At the end of the day, there's nothin' I want more than to hold him close, maybe rub those broad shoulders if the run's been tough, love 'im right, and watch him fall asleep in my arms.
We live an exciting life riding for the Pony Express. Sometimes it's even dangerous and you'd think Kid would love all the excitement and adventure. And you'd be wrong. Riding for the Express, exciting as it is, is merely a means to an end for the Kid.
What he wants more than anything in the world is to make enough money to buy some land and raise horses and babies on it. Those are his words, not mine. He longs for stability, a place to call his own, a family to love, and the chance to take his gun off for good.
What I've been afraid to tell him for months is that I've realized now that I want the same things...only with him. I'm afraid my chance passed by the day I turned him down all those months ago. There's a long ride coming up next week and he and I are scheduled to take it. Maybe there'll finally be time to talk about us. I love him too much to let him go again without a fight -- and I fight dirty!