fandom - Card Captor Sakura
title - convince herself.
rating - PG
pairing - Tomoyo + Sakura.
description – It is Sakura's wedding day and Tomoyo helps her prep up. (Note: Shoujo ai.)
Disclaimer – Clamp owns this title. Convince herself.
By miyamoto yui
Today is the day I give her away.
Even though it happened a long time ago, today, I'm forced to come to terms to what it really means to be your saddest at the happiest day of your life.
As she hums at the mirror, I'm combing through her long hair. I touch the ends and bounced the slightly curled ends in the palms of my hands. Her sunshine face beams at me through the mirror with her eyes closed, as if she'll kiss the mirror.
She's sitting down, drenched in white that extends everywhere like bubbles in the ocean. The lace touches my feet as I fix her soft hair in between my fingers.
Politely, I laugh and smile for her. It keeps her satisfied as she giggles at the mirror, her cheeks redder than ever.
Her embarrassment shows on her face. Her innocence is untainted.
The face that I've seen all this time has gotten older, but is still as pure as the first time she tripped when she said hi to me. As always, I took her hand to pick her up as tears unconsciously came out at the pain of her skinned knees.
A tear wants to escape.
The winner's the one that can hold back longer…right?
"Don't cry, Sakura-chan," I comfort while trying my best to dab her eye gently with a Kleenex. "You'll ruin the makeup and we can't redo it in seven minutes."
She looks at me through the mirror's reflection. "I'm so nervous that I didn't get to eat breakfast. I'm scared of messing up while walking down the aisle."
Sakura sighs. "I don't know how to feel."
I don't either. Why are you telling me this?
Don't you realize who I really am, Sakura?
Of course, you don't…
And this is all assuming that I want to feel anything at this particular moment.
I turn her chair towards me. With my two index fingers, I poke her cheeks, somewhere around her dimples. She still looks at me with an anxious expression. Her lip is out in a pout and her eyebrows are touching one another, contemplating and worried at the same time.
I shake my head.
I lightly tickle her under her ribs through her thin, yet soft gown.
There's that laugh that fills the air with such lightness. My heavy heart is lifted up a little by this.
I poke her more as she shakes her head from side to side. "No no! No more, Tomoyo-chan…"
She laughs even more and then I stop while keeping my grin on my face.
This is the face that I love. The one that's in between chuckling and smiling. The one with the lips parted to show your teeth and your closed eyes. It is the one that tells me that you'll always keep what's most special about you:
Your belief in hope itself, accepting all the cruelties of it and yet still persisting to live as if you can't be anything but strong.
"This is how you should feel," I tell her as I pat her head.
I kiss her on her forehead.
"I think it's almost time to go. They're going to call us soon."
She holds onto my hands as she looks at me with a seriousness of maturity that I'm still not used to. Her fingers hold onto mine with such warmth that I start to feel tingly.
"Remember when we were little and that time we were in the park with the penguin?"
"The time you said you could touch it with your index finger at night?"
She nods her head. "Yes, that's it."
Sakura closes her eyes. "And I remembered you saying, 'Sakura-chan, I'm just here. You won't ever get over your fear if you don't start small.'"
I roll my eyes. "You make me sound like I know everything."
I try to hold back the tears that are waiting to fall the moment she's not within my range of vision.
"You told me, 'I'll be right here, Sakura-chan.' And then I asked, 'If I scream, you'll come, right?'"
I tell her as I let go of her hands and pull her head to my chest, "I told you, 'As long as you call me, Sakura, I will come.'"
"Tomoyo! I'm scared." She clenched onto my peach-colored sleeves.
"The card captor is afraid of this?" I looked down at her and then took her face into my hands. "Sakura, there is nothing you can't do."
I grin my widest and feel absolutely numb. "You don't need me to be behind you, but I'll be there if you want me to. But the person who you need and needs you is waiting for you outside of this room. So, be happy with Li-kun."
It isn't me…
Impossible as it is…
"Besides, Sakura, I'm sure if you keep on smiling, you can conquer everything."
At that moment, the tenseness in her body loosened and the sword against my heart pierces thoroughly into me.
There is a knock on the door and it's time for me to go. I nod my head, but she stands up and grabs my wrist. She pulls me close to her and holds onto my cheeks.
Closing her eyes, she leans forward and kisses me gently on the lips. "Tomoyo, I love you. I will ALWAYS need you."
She lets go and I turn around with my lips still turned upwards in thanks. For the rest of the day, I am in a daze. Through the wedding and the reception, I function on automatic cordially polite mode.
I act the way I always do in regards to you…
But I can't block your face out.
The look inside your eyes acts as if you'd always known. That terrifies me. And if you didn't, unconsciously, you did. That makes me a little happy.
I look at you while spreading my lips even wider to show my enthusiasm. I am very happy for you. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you to keep smiling like that. It's evolving into something that no one else can touch.
But the smile I see before me isn't the one I'm looking for.
The one I miss is from my Sakura.
The one that only exists in my heart and my mind now.
As I close the door to face the darkness of my room, I lean on the door and slide to the floor. Quietly, I sob and cry as hard as I can. My whole body convulses as the pain in my chest becomes tighter.
I can't breathe, but I can't help hugging my knees in this spacious room.
I close my eyes as much as I can.
Hope is your shining quality, Sakura. It is my curse…
"You don't know the strength of your words. You don't know how much they've affected me all this time."
I cry even more.
"You say them so sincerely, but you're also very careless. It isn't the intention that's misplaced, it's the weight I put on them because they're only meant for me."
Your innocent words always captivated me. They still continue to capture me because you always make impossibilities into reality. Honesty works with you…
That is the type of person you are.
This is the part of me that will never change.
And, so therefore in telling the truth of how much I care for you, many things would have fallen apart, Sakura. You would have looked at me differently. I wouldn't have been able to live with that.
Maybe I shouldn't have made the decision for the both of us, without listening to your side, but I know that you wouldn't understand. You wouldn't have comprehended anything as you did earlier today.
You say kind words and keep them, but you don't know the aftereffects of your charm.
How much I want that all to be mine…
I open my eyes and see the stack of tapes I remastered so that they'd be preserved for all time. I force the ends of my lips to lift upwards, but my faces breaks down at my reflection on the window across me.
I try to smile, but I just can't.
I open my mouth and cry loudly and openly for the first time in my whole life. I let it all out and I can't believe this is what I sound like.
Honor student.
Great singer.
Daughter of a smart entrepreneur.
Knows what to say.
Dresses well.
Always proper.
Calm and collected.
Concerned and compassionate.
Talented and beautiful.
Smiles brightly…
…and still trying to convince herself
that it's all true.
Job description: Daijouji Tomoyo.
Opening my mouth or keeping it closed, it all led to the same thing.
So, I realize, while you've been doing this all your life, Sakura,
this is the first time in my whole life that I've been honest with myself.
Alone,
without you,
I've got to start all over again.
Owari.
Monday, June 27, 2005
1:53:28 AM