South Park script - Cosplay It Again, Stan

by RevolutionMan

When Randy walks into Stan's room for some father-son time, he mistakes his son's cosplay contest research for pornography. In denial that his boy is getting older, and hoping to avoid having "the talk" with him, Randy installs the "Boner Blocker" software on Stan's computer. Special Guest: Ben Affleck as Batman.

1. Chapter 1

"COSPLAY IT AGAIN, STAN"

ACT ONE

EXT. MARSH HOUSE - DAY

Establishing shot, Stan's house.

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Randy and Sharon sit on the couch watching television.

ON THE TELEVISION: A rotating molecule zooms by before it cuts to a scene from "The Big Bang Theory". Sheldon, Leonard, the Indian one, the Jewish one, and Penny's cleavage sit around an apartment eating Chinese food.

RAJ (TV)
I do not care what anyone says, with enough prep time, Batman could totally kick Superman's red and/or blue ass, depending on whether or not he was wearing his super-panties at the time. Back me up on this Sheldon.

SHELDON (TV)
An age old debate. If we consider the Lane-Emden equation for the gravitational potential of a Newtonian self-gravitating, spherically symmetric, polytropic fluid, we know that any solutions thus describe the run of pressure and density with radius and are known as polytropes of index n.

THE JEWISH ONE (TV)
How does that relate to Batman fighting Superman?

SHELDON (TV)
It doesn't. Just like Batman doesn't have a chance against Superman.

PENNY'S CLEAVAGE (TV)
Like, you guys are such nerds. I'm drunk. Let's have sex.

On the couch, Sharon laughs.

SHARON
I love this show. It's so smart. Half the time, I don't even know what they're talking about, but it's just so funny.

RANDY
So, nerds get hot chicks, now?

Stan enters wearing his backpack. He heads right for the stairs.

RANDY
Oh, hey, Stan. We're watching Big Bang. Come watch with us.

STAN
Can't, busy.

Stan disappears upstairs. Sharon notices Randy's clear disappointment.

SHARON
Aw, what's wrong?

RANDY
I don't know. It's like every day that goes by, he gets little older, and has a little less time for his old man. It's like...

"Ships" by Barry Manilow plays". Randy sings.

RANDY (V.O.)
(singing)
We're two ships that pass in the night. We both smile and we say it's alright. We're still here. It's just that we're out of sight. Like those ships that pass in the niiiiiiiight.

MONTAGE: Randy and Stan pass each other in the kitchen. They pass each other, in their pajamas, Randy headed to and Stan coming from the bathroom. Randy looks forlorn, then smells the awful bathroom stank and covers his face. Randy and Stan pass each other on an imaginary pier inside Randy's head.

SHARON
Well, honey, he is a growing boy. It's only natural for him to want to get out on his own and get a little distance between himself and his parents. But if you think you're growing apart, why don't you go upstairs and talk to him.

Randy gets up from the couch and heads upstairs.

RANDY
You know something, you're right. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Hey, Stan? Stan?

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Randy knocks on Stan's door.

RANDY
Hey, Stan, what do you say you and I go throw a ball around?

STAN (V.O.)
(through the door)
Busy!

RANDY
Come on, and afterwards, maybe I'll take you out for some ice...

Randy opens the door.

INT. STAN'S BEDROOM

Randy opens the door and is shocked by whatever it is he sees.

RANDY
… cream.

Stan, in his underwear, sits in front of his computer. On the screen is a picture of a half-naked woman in a cape with enormous breasts.

Father and son stare at each other a few seconds, neither sure of what to do.

STAN
Dad, Jesus Christ!

Randy runs off without saying a word. Stan slams the door.

INT. MARSH LIVING ROOM

Randy comes downstairs. He heads for the kitchen.

SHARON
That was fast. Did everything go all right?

RANDY
He was busy.

SHARON
Well, do you want to watch some Big Ban-

RANDY
NO, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH ANY FUCKING BIG BANG THEORY!

Randy leaves.

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND – DAY

Various children play in the background. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny watch Butters' attempt at "twerking".

BUTTERS
Like this?

CARTMAN
No, Butters, dammit. You're not jackin' it. You gotta remember to jack it, like this.

Cartman twerks, remembering to jack it.

CARTMAN
See?

BUTTERS
Oh.

Stan approaches, looking down with his hands in his pockets.

STAN
Hey, guys.

KENNY
Mmph mphn, hun na fnhh hun nhh?

KYLE
Kenny's right, you look awful, dude.

STAN
I just... Look, if I tell you, do you promise not to say anything?

BUTTERS
Well, sure, buddy, you can tell us anything. We're here for you.

CARTMAN
Yeah, Stan, Butters is totally here for you.

STAN
Last night, my Dad... caught me.

KYLE
Doing what?

STAN
Don't make me spell it out, you guys. I was on my computer... doing... research... with the door closed. And he just walked in.

The boys hesitate.

CARTMAN
Oh, my god.

KYLE
How much did he see?

STAN
I don't know. I mean, I think I had it hidden, but...

CARTMAN
You think? You think? Goddammit, you have to be sure! This is too important.

KYLE
Did he see the screen?

STAN
He might have. It all just happened so fast. I couldn't minimize the window fast enough.

CARTMAN
Well, this is just great. Unbelievable. I expect this kind of bullshit from Butters, or even Kenny, but you?

KENNY
Mmhn, fmph nhm, nmh-hmm.

CARTMAN
What? It's not my fault your family can't afford a computer, so you have to do all your research at the library. That's Obama's fault. Blame Obamacare.

KYLE
Did you at least, ya know, talk to him? Find out if he saw anything?

STAN
I couldn't. I was so embarrassed, I didn't even go downstairs for dinner. I just went straight to bed.

BUTTER
Did you finish your research first?

STAN
Of course, I did, Butters. If I didn't, I would have been up all night thinking about it. And it's probably fine. Even if he did see, I don't think my Dad would want to enter the contest anyway.

CARTMAN
Well, you better hope to Christ you're right, Stan. This is serious business. That cosplay contest at the comic book store is paying out $200 for the best team costume, and if you just leaked our X-Men costumes, everyone's going to know how to beat us off.

EXT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS – AFTERNOON

Establishing shot.

INT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS

Randy sits down at the bar. Skeeter serves him a beer. Gerald, Jimbo, Ned, and Stuart are there watching the television.

GERALD
Oh, I love this episode of Big Bang Theory.

ON THE TELEVISION: Sheldon, Leonard, the Indian one, and the greedy one with the big nose stand around the comic book shop.

LEONARD (V.O.)
All I'm saying is that Kirk could just beam Darth Vader into space. Sheldon, back me up on this one.

SHELDON (V.O.)
E equals M C squared to the hypotenuse of a right ganglionic nerve cluster under the post Pythagorean theorem of histology.

ON THE TELEVISION: Penny enters, barely wearing any clothes.

PENNY (V.O.)
Oh, my god, you guys are such geeks. I'm drunk. Someone do me.

ON THE TELEVISION: They all do her.

Bar patrons laugh.

JIMBO
Kirk and Vader. It's so funny they can talk about those things and still get that hot chick to have sex with them.

NED
(voice box)
I wish I was a nerd so I could get chicks like that.

GERALD
Hey, Randy, what's the matter with you? Don't you like Big Bang?

RANDY
Yeah, I mean, whatever. It's funny, I guess.

JIMBO
What's wrong, Randy? You don't seem yourself.

RANDY
Oh, it's kinda personal. I don't know if I want to share.

GERALD
Caught your son jackin' it to internet porn?

RANDY
How did you know?

GERALD
My son's been doing the same thing. He doesn't know I found out, but I found all these pictures of half-naked women in our computer's browser history.

RANDY
I just, I thought I had more time before I had to have "the talk" with him, ya know?

GERALD
I know, but I spoke to my wife about it, and she said that our little Kyle is getting older, and the youth of today are growing up so much faster these days because of the internet. It's important that we're there for them to keep everything in perspective.

RANDY
So, you had "the talk" with Kyle?

GERALD
Oh, hell no. I installed one of those child monitor programs on our computer. I'm not talking to him about that stuff.

RANDY
Huh.

INT. STAN'S BEDROOM

Stan is sitting at his computer. He enters a google search for "X-Men Cosplay pictures". A pop-up window fills the screen with a picture of an Asian martial artist karate-chopping an erect penis. The screen reads "Boner Blocker 4.0 – content blocked – age restricted access".

STAN
What the hell? Dad?! Daaaad?!

Stan exits into the hallway.

INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM

Stan enters Randy's bedroom and finds his father on the bed watching television.

STAN
Dad, why is there a thing called 'Boner Blocker' on my computer?

RANDY
Uh, Stan, your mother and I thought it prudent to install a program on your computer to filter out certain websites that might be inappropriate for kids your age.

STAN
You went on my computer?!

RANDY
Well, Stan, it is your computer, but your mother and I bought it for you, so we can...

STAN
I can't believe you just went on my computer without asking. That's my personal computer. You can't invade my privacy like that!

Sharon enters from the bathroom.

SHARON
Now, Stanley, we understand you're upset, but...

STAN
You gotta turn it off. I can't get to the sites I need to get to.

RANDY
If Boner Blocker says you can't go to those sites, then you shouldn't be on them in the first place.

STAN
But they're not bad sites. They're just... I need to do research. For school.

SHARON
For school?

STAN
Yeah, so will you uninstall it?

SHARON
I'm sorry, son, but maybe you can find the information you're looking for on some other website.

STAN
Ugh, this is so unfair. If you won't let me use my own computer, I'll just go to the library with Kenny and we'll do it there.

Stan storms off. Randy is appalled, thinking his son is going to go jack it at the library with Kenny. Sharon is none the wiser.

SHARON
Well, that could have gone better.

EXT. MARSH HOUSE – DAY

Stan slams the door on his way out. Randy follows soon after.

RANDY
Stanley Marsh, you wait one minute.

STAN
I'm not talking to you!

RANDY
You hold it right there, mister. I am your father and you will listen to me when I'm talking to you.

Stan doesn't stop.

RANDY
Dammit, Stan, I know you're curious about your body and women, but jerking it in your house is one thing. Jerking off to porn at the library with a friend is something totally different! You're too young!

Stan stops. He turns around, flabbergasted. Neighbors who were also out and about have stopped to stare and gape. A stopped car even gets rear-ended.

STAN
I was going to the library to research ideas for a cosplay costume I'm working on, you freak.

RANDY
Cos-play?

To Be Continued... (Imagine the "Back to the Future" theme at your discretion)