"I hate the word 'fate'. Births, deaths, encounters, painful, never forgotten, success and failures, fortune and misfortune. If our lives are already set in stone, or in stars, by fate, of what some believe, then why are we even born? What is our purpose then, if all what we can manage to do is fail and fall, and with that drag others down as well. Be hurt, and still have to live with burning pain, of failure in our hearts as the eyes of a person that meant the whole world to us will never open up again. The laughter will never be heard again. To have to live with lifeless stares of others, close to the fallen person, knowing that even if they don't hate you, don't blame you for the painful encounter that ended in failure, you deep down know it was indeed entirely your fault for what happened and the state they were in. If that's all caused by fate, then fate is an incredibly cruel and unfair thing. And I would gladly give my life to switch the position."

What happened that week, that day, is one thing that I know I'll remember forever. It was supposed to be the normal, night patrol run with my three brothers. How could I know something like that would even happen to us that night? We were all laughing, in happy mood, for being able to be outside again after such a long time, since master Splinter forbid us from going topside after being accidentally seen by a few people. The rumours of monsters, freaks living somewhere in New York, hidden from view of normal people were brought up again, and just to be on the safe side, we had to keep our down low for the time being.

So we stayed. For a week.

Eight days to be precise.

And I'm still wondering, beating myself up mentally, why didn't we wait for another few days. Waiting never hurt anyone.

Patience.

That was what we were all told.

Everything will be fine.

That was what we always believed.

So it's no wonder why the thought of something bad happening to us that night didn't even occur to any of us. One second we were all laughing, enjoying our time out, spending the time together, and for the first time in a little over than a week, we all felt free of burdens and worries.

I remember how my eyes captured one of the lasts, if not the very last smile, my two brothers shared between each other, in a secret understanding and friendship. The two of them who would always be bickering over the stupidest and meaningless things, so the moment like that was such a beautiful rarity.

It was like if we all subconsciously knew, deep down, that this will be our final run as the four, and we were all quietly saying goodbyes to each other, reminiscing old memories we shared in the past.

The soft and warm nightly breeze made the colourful tails of our mask wave in the clear night sky, filled with millions and millions little sparkling lights. Stars. They shone so brightly onto us. Brighter than even before. The breeze wrapped us all in its gentle and warm embrace, and somehow found myself getting sleepy.

The night was so clear, so young and innocent in its own mysterious way, and with us having fun, playing tag under the ever watchful gaze of the silver moon, it truly was a Kodak moment.

I sincerely wish the moment would last forever.

But like I said, one second we were having fun, enjoying in each other's company, then the next, all I knew, my brother tensed up, noticing the far away shadows slowly moving towards us. Heh, he and his incredible skills and instincts. If it wasn't for him, and his ninja reflexes then the knife aimed at the head of my younger brother, would take his life…instead.

What happened next I remember as a ghostly blur, everything happened so quickly. Wood against wood, wood against steel, wood against flesh…

I moved quickly, dodging each kick and punch that I would surely receive if I wouldn't move in time. I jumped high, landing gracefully, my trusted weapon in my hands aimed at the damned shadows. Dark ninjas. During the time that I was fighting against a ninja, a foot ninja, who was confidently wielding his single sword at me, aiming for my head. Sometimes I still wish we could be able to hide our heads in shells like we could for a short period of a time in the past, when we were still little innocent kids. It would help a lot during the fights.

I spun my weapon around, and successfully knocked a ninja that was behind me, off of his feet.

I could hear the growls of my older brother, as he sent a ninja flying across the rooftop. A giggle that belonged to my younger brother followed the growls as the ninja crashed into two others, sending them down with him.

Although the fate was never exactly on our side, I still believed everything would resolve alright that night.

I believed.

It's kind of ironical, you see, my father had always tried to teach me how to stand my ground firmly more often. I lacked confidence too much at some points, but I guess, I just went from one extreme to another.

I guess I was too confident that night, to believe everything would be alright, and the four of us would merrily return home to our father, and join him at the table, with a tea or coffee and of course, pizza.

Who can blame me for believing?

I landed hard on my shell then. The black clothed ninja somehow managed to kick me hard in the lower part of abdomen and sent me flying across the rooftop as I was too busy thinking over things, that to be honest didn't really matter at that time. I was just so distracted lately, I even couldn't get myself to think straight.

I groggily opened up my eyes, just to see the Foot ninja running towards me with his sword holding up, getting ready for the final strike to finally finish me off.

I swallowed.

My head spun.

I was dizzy due to the hit the back of my head took against the cold cement surface and couldn't get up no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to scream at myself for being so useless, and that could clearly take my life one day.

I somehow managed to open one of my eyes and the sight made my blood freeze and subconsciously I felt my eyes close tight, expecting the final blow that I would surely get.

I don't know what happened next.

I heard a scream.

Was it mine? How come that I could give the ninja the satisfaction of him hearing me scream, right before he finished me off.

That was one of the last things I wanted to do.

But I couldn't do anything, so instead I just half lay half sat there on the cold ground, waiting for the strike. But it never came.

I didn't even hear the ninja anymore.

Was he laughing silently at me, for being so helpless? Was he smiling because he heard me scream out in fear?

But…that scream. That scream wasn't mine. It was way too powerful and confident to belong to someone like me. I know, I was more confident than before, but still, I knew, the scream wasn't mine.

I carefully opened up my eyes, fighting the dizziness away, before I slowly took in the surroundings.

It was…calm. Too calm. I heard the distant moans of the fallen ninjas, and a light breeze still lightly caressed my hurting head. I looked down at myself and saw the sword wielding ninja lying dead or unconscious on the ground. Not that I cared at the moment.

I narrowed my eyes at the tall green form standing next to it, with his shell turned toward me. By the tails of his mask, I knew instantly who he was and I smiled sheepishly. He saved me, in my moment of weakness. Sure I would hear about that later, when we'd all be safe at home, but for now I just smiled gratefully.

But the smile was wiped from my face the second I saw his beloved weapons that he held in his hands drop carelessly on the ground. It seemed like everything was in slow motion and I couldn't help but cringle at the small noise the metal weapons made when they hit the ground.

He would never do that.

My eyes slowly widened when I saw his knees start to shake, and he reached up to touch something on his stomach. I wanted to get up and ask him if everything was alright but I had no time for that.

Because right the next moment my brother, the one who always saved my life no matter what circumstances, drunkenly stumbled backwards, before his legs gave out and he crashed on the ground, next to his trusted weapons and the limp form of the Foot ninja.

I remember, how my world crashed down the moment when his arm rolled down from his stomach, with dark, red liquid dripping from it, creating a mess on the grey ground.

For a moment, I froze, I couldn't bring myself to move a single muscle. That wasn't happening. That wasn't happening. That wasn't happening.

Then I head a pained moan coming from the lips of my injured older sibling, and adrenaline instantly kicked in.

I jumped on my feet, ignoring the dizziness that came from the hit and a sudden move, and rushed to my brother's aid, carefully placing my hand on his left bicep, turning him over on his shell, to look at what caused him to suddenly collapse just like that.

But my eyes weren't prepared for what I saw then.

There was a large, deep stab wound on his plastron still bleeding heavily. I felt my heart stop for a second or two, as fresh tears rushed to my eyes instantly blurring the view again. I found myself holding back sobs and whimpers as I realised what exactly happened.

My big bro, my protector, took the blow that was aimed at me. He always kept saying that he'd sacrifice his life in order to save our lives. He said he would rather die, than watch us bled. He said that he would always be there for us, whenever we needed it. Although to us, it sometimes seemed like he broke his promise, he actually never did. And even though we all knew that, we never actually apologized for our past mistakes and wrong assumptions of him abandoning us for two years.

I mentally slapped myself then. Why did I talk like it's all over? Why did I talk like my brother was dying?

He wasn't.

He was going to survive.

I knew that.

I believed so.

My brother was a strong fighter, and no matter what happened, no matter how badly injured or sick he was, even if he was with one foot already in the grave, no matter through what situations he had to go through, he always, always pulled through.

So why wouldn't he now?

Why was I crying?

I remember I heard footsteps quickly making their way towards us. Or it was there two of them.

I didn't know, and to be honest, at that moment I didn't care.

I remember I thought I told him, not to move, that everything would be alright, that we would get home and patch him up in only matter of seconds. I smiled bitterly at the thought, that he would be forbidden from doing what he liked the most, for quite some time, but my unspoken words were interrupted by two cries, as I heard someone gasp and fall to his knees in the pool of blood that was rapidly increasing with the time.

I heard yelling.

I heard crying.

I heard groans.

I felt pain and hurt.

The unspoken words hurt. Burned.

He was dying.

It was like my mind was blank for the time being. I felt as a strong hand grabbed me by my hand and shook me, while a raspy voice next to me, kept yelling at me to do something. Anything. To save him.

My eyes fell down on a bloody body in front of me, and watched in horror as the blood kept pouring out of his wound, no matter how much pressure my other brother put on it. I watched as a pair of sapphire eyes struggled to stay awake and a harsh cough came from his lips with a thin line of blood dripping down his chin.

Our eyes connected momentarily, and somehow I managed to snap out of it.

My eyes widened and I heard myself tell the other two that we couldn't help him with anything at the moment, as all our medical equipment was safely resting in our lair. We had nothing to stop the bleeding or help him reduce the pain.

I took off my mask and put it on his wound, to help stop the bleeding.

Like it helped.

My mask, my beloved colour, turned crimson red in only a matter of seconds. The warm, red liquid was marking us all by then, but we didn't care.

I looked up and noticed how dangerously closed were his eyes. The unsteady, light beat of his heart and a shallow breathing sent me in panic.

I told one of my brothers that we needed to bring him to the lair. The one who tried to keep his cool, although I had to admit, was failing incredibly, as he shook like a leaf in the wind. Was it really that cold? I really didn't feel cold at all. It had to be something else, but I wasn't so sure as adrenaline does wonders sometimes.

He furiously nodded and gently grabbed the broken form in his shaking hands. I could saw the unshed tears in his eyes, as his face and the tattered red mask came in a view of the moonlight.

I don't know what happened next.

I don't know, how I even managed to stand up. My legs were covered in red and were shaking as if they never belonged to a ninja. Somehow I believe, I managed to get onto my unsteady feet and for a second or two I only stared at the crimson pool of blood on the ground, before I rushed after my brothers, with the remaining bit of the adrenaline in my system.

We were running like never before. Not a single thing was told between us as our main priority was to keep running, to get our wounded brother quickly to the lair. I heard my younger brother being told to go ahead, to tell our father what happened.

I knew he didn't want to leave us. Leave his big brother dying there. But he had to.

I promised him we would be right behind him, but due to him being the fastest out of us, and with my other brother holding the fallen one in his hands and me obviously being in some state of shock, he was the only available one.

I'd never seen him run so fast before, than that night. His sobs were still audible no matter how far ahead of us was he, and once we reached the sewers, the echoing sounds of sobs and cries, gave away the haunting feeling.

I found myself get nervous as I saw how the hand of my fallen brother, suddenly limply dropped from my other brother's shoulder who yelled back at him to get a grip. That he couldn't give up now.

The furious green eyes snapped at me, as he screamed to help him.

"He's fading!"

The words would haunt me forever, The way my brother said them, as if he couldn't, no, didn't want to believe what he said. There was a trace of tears and fear in my brother's voice. He never, absolutely never under any circumstances showed his vulnerable, weak image of himself.

Whenever he did, it was on rare occasions. And things were never looking good then.

That scared the last, tiny bit of bravery in me away.

Somehow we managed to reach the entrance of our lair that never seemed so dark before. We rushed in the lab, jumping over various objects, lying messily around the room, not bothering to look at them.

My brother put the pale figure on a cold metal bed, while I rushed to the cabinets, to grab as many gauzes as I could hold in my hands. I turned around and ran to my brother's aid, ordering him to stay awake, to keep fighting the darkness away, like he always did.

A choked sob was heard as I looked up at the teary eyes of my older brother, who didn't even try to hide the emotions. I yelled at him to bring the jar with gauze closer, if he wanted to help me. He somehow managed to snap out of it and hurriedly made his way to the cabinet.

A weak whimper brought my attention back to the pained face of my eldest brother, who was growing weaker by the second. Without immediate help, he wouldn't make it.

Heck even if we acted immediately, I didn't know if he would pull through.

I quietly but firmly told him to stay awake for us, that everything was gonna be okay. But I couldn't hide the tears streaming down my face. I hated lying to my brothers, because I was a terrible liar. Especially under pressure. And my brothers knew instantly when I was either hiding something or not telling the whole story or truth.

And just liked always before, he seemed to read through all my lies, and somehow, oblivious to the state he was in, managed to send me a small, weak smile, as if telling me that he understood.

His eyes sparkled and for a moment I could find myself believe, that maybe there still was hope, when I looked into the familiar warmth.

He looked like he wanted to say something, to tell me something, by the way he moved his mouth, but no words came out. He coughed again and more blood poured from his wound as he gasped for breathe. I felt my heart drop at the sudden realization that he didn't have much time anymore.

I always knew everyone dies, but I always kind of foolishly hoped, God would make an exception. It was never meant to happen like it did.

If we had to go out then, as we always thought, we would go out together. As brothers, since the beginning of our insane adventure that was our life, till the bitter end. Together, standing tall and proud. Not like this.

Not so.

A sudden sound of something glassy crashing on the ground brought me to reality. I turned around and looked down at my brother, who seemed to trip over something as he carried the jar with gauze to me. The first aid was now not usable for me to use it, as the small, miniature party of glass found its way in the soft, white material.

My brother was kneeling on the ground, tears falling down his face as waterfalls as he hastily tried to grab as many gauze as he could, not bothering at the fact that the small shards were cutting his hands, letting the small drips of blood fall on the pearly white ground of the room.

He shakily stood up and rushed to the bed, mumbling some words to his only older brother that I didn't recognize under his breathe. He was ready to put the gauze on his wound, before my hand subconsciously grabbed his. He didn't even bother to hiss in pain as the cuts on his green skin obviously hurt him, but instead looked up, searching for any answers in my eyes for my sudden movement.

I held back a cry, as I stared in those broken orbs, but before I could tell him that not a single gauze and bandage would help him now, we heard a pair of footsteps at the door.

My younger brother ran crying in the room, while being followed by our father who hurriedly made his way into the lab upon, hearing the unfortunate news of his eldest son's accident.

My brother who held his older brother's hand in his own suddenly screamed and I turned my attention back to the broken form on my bed.

He looked…peaceful. In pain, but peaceful.

Our father suddenly cried out his name,…

…But I doubt he ever heard it.

I watched his dim, distant eyes take the last weak attempt to catch a glimpse of our broken family. By the way he moved, I knew he had a hard time staying awake now. A tear slowly rolled down his cheek, as his eyes shut close but he still managed to send us all a small, warm smile as his body finally, after so much hurt and pain he went through went limp, right before our eyes.

The silence that followed for a split second screamed the truth.

And the screams and cries that followed were too inhuman to be even called that.

The moment those eyes closed I knew exactly what was going to happen in a second or two. But I didn't want to believe it, and still didn't believe it, until somebody pushed me aside, making me hit the edge of the counter behind me.

I let the tears fall freely as I watched the touching scene of my younger brother throwing himself over his big brother crying hysterical, begging him, literally begging him, not to leave him. Not now, not ever. His screams. I had never ever before heard the screams so gut wrenching, as that time.

My father, with wet fur around and under his eyes stepped closer, obviously crying over the sudden loss of his eldest son and put a paw on the youngest son's shell in hopes to give him at least a little comfort. But he the moment the hand made contact with the back of his shell, he slapped it away, yelling, screaming like an animal, that he didn't want comfort.

He only wanted his brother back.

His one and true wish.

While my father tried to negotiate with my hysterical brother, sounds of crashing and destroying stuff, caught my ear. My older brother, showed the painful grief totally different than my younger. He screamed, cursed every single name he knew, kicked the cabinet, and while doing so, threw a pair of glassy equipment for my science research on the ground, making it smash into thousands and thousands of small pieces. I sobbed loudly, upon watching our, once so strong family fall apart right before my eyes.

Why did this have to happen?

Why now?

Why like that.

If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels. And if you have not, then you cannot possibly imagine it.

My world was falling apart.

My father somehow managed to drag his youngest away from the lifeless body. He was shaking, sobbing in hysteria, while my other brother, kept screaming at the top of his lungs, not accepting the truth. He suddenly pulled out his weapon, catching my interest in worry and with all force that he could bear, threw it out of the lab, sending it flying across the huge living room, before the sharp end of metal made a contact with flickering screen of a videogame, still paused from earlier events in the background. The screen smashed and got destroyed in a moment, the annoyingly happy, bright screen turned black the moment the sharp weapon made a contact with it.

He just destroyed a videogame out of pure rage and grief and my other brother didn't mind it at all. His face showed no emotion other than that of loss and sorrow.

Me?

How was I holding on?

I wasn't exactly sure what was going on at the time, my mind seemed to get blank the moment I hit my head against the hard ground of the roof. A cruel twist of fate some would call it, an accident others would say, perhaps a sick joke that God thought was funny.

"Yer the doc, aren't you!? Why can't you help him!?" A harsh voice suddenly brought me back as I stared at the furious face of my older brother staring back at me with hot, salt tears streaming down his face. I felt intimidated by the way he looked at me. To tell the truth, I was almost scared of him.

"I-I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry…R-Raph." I whispered. I couldn't trust my voice more. It seemed like it would break any second.

But my brother wouldn't have any of it. Tears were streaming down his furious face, and he smacked his fist against the wall, while my father tried to console him.

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YER EXCUSES!" He suddenly screamed at me with such an unstoppable rage. "MY BROTHER, MY ONLY BIG BROTHER IS DEAD AND IS ALL YER FAULT!"

The words hit me like a truck. I heard my father's voice yelling at my hothead brother for using such heavy words against me, but he didn't seem to hear them.

But the thing that hurt me the most was that, he was actually right. If it wasn't for my stupid mistake, for getting lost in the train of thoughts that moment on the roof, then none of this would even happen. If I wasn't so frozen in spot, because of shock and dizziness then none of this would have happened.

If I was just a few minutes faster, then maybe I could still have a time to save him.

It was all my fault.

Our family fell apart over some stupid, foolish mistake I made.

And now my brother lied dead as ever on the metal bed as a reminder of a single mistake.

Raphael's growls slowly died down and were instead replaced with choked sobs as he stumbling made his way to the bed, where out brother's body rested. He didn't seem to care for Mikey's hysterical sobbing and Splinter's failed attempts of comforting him, even though he knew that no matter what he'd say, nothing would ever bring their brother back and nothing would ever be the same. He didn't seem to care for his own tears, that were shamefully falling down his cheeks. All he seemingly cared for was the limp form on a bed.

He reached forward and gently caressed his brother's cold cheek, letting his hand rest there for a moment or two. He closed his eyes, and I swear I could hear his mind buzzing with thoughts all over the place.

The grief and loss would linger around the lair for quite a while, and everything would change.

I let out a choked sob and let myself crash down against the foot of the bed. I failed tonight and it cost me the life of my big brother.

I felt Raphael's eyes narrow down at me, watching me closely, while I shake sobbing. At first I refused to look up, to meet his glare, probably filled with hatred, but after I while I looked up and stared at his bloodshot but fierce and furious eyes, that screamed revenge.

I knew immediately then, that if some unfortunate ninja suddenly decided to cross paths with Raphael, he would massacre him at the spot. In his current state, he was just capable of everything, and what seemed just like the hundredth time that day, I felt like I wanted to scream at Raphael to stop it, to back down. That he was sorry, and wasn't keen on losing another brother, in the same day over some thoughtless act of revenge.

I watched as Raphael's hands furiously twitched towards his remaining sai, tucked safely behind his brown belt, but just as he seemed to grab it and throw it at something, I picked myself up, and darted out of the room, ignoring the screams and yells of my father calling my name.

I cried.

I cried as I ran through the sewer canals, where the four of us walked just two hours ago, laughing at the top of our lungs.

I cried harder at that thought.

How I wish I could reverse the time.

Or just to trade my life with somebody else.

To give my life to Leo.

I would.

As soon as I received the surface I found myself on the rooftops of the tall blocks and houses. I swiftly ignored the building, where the fight that mortally wounded my brother happened earlier. I couldn't bear to even look at it.

Heck I couldn't even bear to stay at the lair any longer, to watch Raph blaming me for Leo's death. I knew he had all the rights, but he didn't need to push the truth on my face. I already knew what I've done.

And Mikey…Oh God Mikey. I would never again be able to look at his innocent blue eyes, without feeling a pang of guilt for being the cause, his hero was dead. I'm so sorry little brother.

My father…I'm….I'm sorry…I'm so, so, so sorry.

How could such a beautiful night turn into such a horrible nightmare? Even the worst of nightmares I sometimes got, couldn't be compared to that what happened.

By then I reached the edge of a tall building and my knees gave up as I screamed at the bright, silver moon, that shone smugly down at me. The same moon we observed just a couple of hours ago, the same moon and stars that seemed so beautiful that night, now seemed dreadful and I couldn't stare at them any longer.

It was my fault.

It was all my fault.

If I was just a little bit quicker to dodge the kick, then Leo wouldn't feel the need to step between me and the ninja.

He wouldn't feel the need to protect me and take the blow.

He wouldn't be injured.

He would still be alive.

We would still have a brother.

We would still be the same happy family.

And now, my life turned into a living hell. A nightmare, but the bitter truth was that he would never be able to wake from it.

This, unfortunately was reality.

A sad, bitter twist of fate, that was it. A brother dead, another one probably hating me to the bones, and another who would probably blame and accuse me of losing his hero and brother. Our family just lost a supporting pillar and now I'm sure we all feared that everything will crumble down on us, burying us under.

I sobbed.

A brother. The eldest son of Splinter. Our leader and protector. Our possible future caretaker as Splinter always said, now dead. Just as dead as our dreams and future. Giving away his life in order to save his younger brother after I'd done a foolish mistake of not moving quicker.

This day would haunt me forever.

I cried louder this time, oblivious to the time. What seemed like hours spent on the rooftop was probably just a minute or two.

And I could go on, screaming and crying over my pain, but a voice snapped me out of it.

I looked around myself, but couldn't find the source of the gentle voice that called me by my name. Maybe it was due to the blurriness because of tears, but I swear I couldn't see a thing. Or maybe I was just imagining things again. It wouldn't be the first time to tell the truth.

"Don?"

That voice.

I quickly brushed away the tears and blinked a few times to clear my vision. A familiar face of a redhead woman appeared in front of me, much to my shock and confusion. What was she doing here? But what was she…

I was sitting on the edge, how was she…?

Oh…

A railing.

Now that I took a closer look, I figured I somehow stumbled across April and Casey's apartment. No wonder why I felt that the view was so familiar.

I sniffed and tried to hold my composure. I somehow, I don't even know how, managed to send her a small smile, although it disappeared right next second, before my eyes watered up again and sobs escaped from my throat.

I managed to notice April's worried and confused expression as she asked me what was wrong.

But I couldn't answer her as I suddenly found myself crying my heart out. How could she look at me with such caring eyes? I didn't deserve that. It was my fault that one of my brother's now lied dead, and yet people seem to care about me.

I don't know what exactly happened next, but the next thing I knew was that I was climbing through the window of their apartment, with her already being inside. She ran in some other room, but I managed to catch a glimpse of her wearing yellow pyjama, and a pair of fluffy bluish-white slippers. Where she went it stayed a mystery, but I was pretty sure she went to wake up Casey.

The poor guy probably wouldn't be too happy about being woken up in the middle of the night.

I sobbed as I sat down, resting my shell against the wall. I guess I really made a mess of everything.

Just a few moments later, while I was almost literally drowning in my sorrow by then, I heard them both return from the bedroom. I didn't look up, but as soon as I heard her gasp and almost give out a small scream, I winced.

I totally forgot I hadn't washed Leo's blood off my body. I probably looked creepy, stained in blood from head to toes. Poor April. She probably must've been freaked out, firstly finding me on the rooftop, crying and screaming, in the middle of the night, and now totally covered in blood.

She probably thought the blood was his.

"Oh my God Don!" she shrieked and rushed to his side, checking him over. Seeing the amount of blood, made her literally sick in stomach.

I winced again as she put both of her hands on the side of my head, looking me in the eyes. Casey quickly came over, as soon as he walked in the room, gasping at the bloody sight. "Wow…You okay there buddy?"

Before I could answer, April interrupted me "What happened Don!?"

I held back a sob, trying real hard not to break down there and then. But as strong as I tried to be, no matter how hard I tried, tears again escaped my eyes.

"I-It-It's not-t m-m-mine." I stuttered, my voice hoarse from crying and screaming so much.

I felt both of their gazes on me, confusion and worry over my broken image written all over their faces. They probably wondered what the hell was wrong with me.

"Then…whose it is Don? And…where are the others?" April asked and a frown appeared on her face as I whimpered when she said 'others' "Don, are they alright?"

I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted the whole world to know, what a horrible person, err, turtle was I. A fail. And the fault for my brother's death was totally mine. I sniffed and in one swift motion I wrapped my arms around April, burying my face under the crook of her neck, crying like a little lost child.

That set the warning bells off for her, knowing that something had to happen.

She gently wrapped her thin arms around me and held me close. She hushed and stroked the back of my mask-less head. Her fingers were small and fragile, and her touches were gentle, and it brought a small amount of so much needed comfort. I knew she was wondering where's my mask, and where did all that blood come from, but she didn't seem to mind getting her pyjama clothes bloody while hugging me.

I felt April look at Casey out of the corner of her eye, and obviously motioned at something as I felt her arms move around my neck.

"Casey…call Leo, tell him-" she quietly began but was cut off shortly after.

"NO!" I screamed, starling them both, before my sobs got louder and tried to hide my ashamed face. Why did I even come here in the first place?"Not Leo."

Casey blinked confused, while holding a small Shell-Phone in his hands, ready to call my deceased brother's number. I didn't even bother to look if it was mine, which probably was, but due to my unstable mind at the moment I ignored it.

"Why not Leo, Donnie?" I heard her voice as she pulled back a bit to look me in the eyes.

I swallowed, blinking away the tears that continued falling down my cheeks, as I looked at her face. If only she knew…

"Because, because…because he won't answer." I somehow managed to stutter out those words. They felt bitter on my tongue, and didn't seem right at all. My brother, he always answered his phone, no matter what time it was or if he happened to be busy.

He always answered, and whenever a phone rang out in the lair in the middle of the night, after Raph went out on his night's patrol, I could actually feel the dread that crawled on his face. He sincerely hoped nothing bad had happened to him.

He was always just that protective.

Protecting others more than he protected himself.

Cherishing others' lives more than he cherished his own.

"Why not? He's probably wondering where you are." April began and I saw Casey's tired eyes in the background looking confused, unknowing whether he should call Leo or not. "And besides, in this state something terrible must've happened to you. Are you alright?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. April was so worried.

But why was she worried? I didn't deserve that. All I got was a, now probably already dark blue or purple bruise at the back of my head and a throbbing headache. The cause for that was either the hit of my head against the rooftop or maybe the amount of crying.

Probably both, though.

Speaking of injures…Heck I didn't even look at Raph and Mikey, I didn't even know if they obtained any injures. How could I be so careless?

"No he's not" I found my voice say bitterly. I didn't even bother to answer the last part of her question. It was meaningless. At least to me.

"How do you know that?" She carefully asked. " I mean, you know how Leo is so protective and that. He's probably worried sick at the moment and by the look of-"

"Because he's dead."

I didn't even know, where I even managed to find the strength to say those words. How did they even came out of my mouth. So sharp, and edgy, so bitter…so….dead. I couldn't even believe my own words. They hit me like a speeding truck. It was the first time that night that I had said them out loud.

And they…they…

They hurt.

They clenched at my heart, biting away the happiness one by one. The space that remained, got filled, corrupted, with darkness and emptiness. How could a space even get filled by an emptiness? What was I even thinking?

I slowly dragged my gaze up at April once again, who seemed frozen in spot. By the look of Casey's face, he wasn't doing any better. They both stood, or knelt still, pale faced, as their brains slowly absorbed the unfortunate news, I had to bring.

"W-w-what?" April stammered, her eyes glistering with worry and shock. She probably thought, I'd been attacked and drugged, as such words would probably never come out of my mouth. "Don…what do you mean?" she whispered, her once so powerful and strong voice, wavering as her eyes slowly watered up.

I didn't even know if she believed me at the moment, but I really couldn't care less.

"DON!" She suddenly yelled and made me look at her. She was scared, I could see that. "Please tell me that's not true…" by the end of the statement, her voice shook with all force, and a guilt rose up in my stomach at the look on her face.

Casey stood there glued. I figured he hadn't even taken in the words that I said yet, his brain was still furiously processing, making him look frozen.

I sniffed as I opened my mouth to begin to talk. Or that was what I hoped I would.

"We-e- went o-o-out. Ambushed…He…he got s-stabbed…C-c-couldn't…" I gritted my teeth, my voice shaking just as much as my whole body did. "C-couldn't save h-him. My fault…A-all." I wanted to speak, I wanted to explain further, but couldn't find the strength.

I managed to hear a gasp that somewhere in the middle turned into a broken, choked sob. A single sob that turned into a full on, crying mode, as April's petite hands that were wrapped around me, flew away and covered her mouth in shock, the hot, salty tears literally pouring down from her eyes.

She looked broken, and still in too much shock. Even though she never spent as much time with him as she did with me, Mikey and Raph occasionally, when he came to watch a match with Casey, Leo was still like a brother to her, and the news shook her to the bones.

I couldn't bear to look at her face, as Casey, after he finally obtained some sense, wobbling ran to her, pulling her in a hug. He slowly looked me in the eyes, and I winced as I noticed the shock and pain, mixed with inhuman rage and fury hid in them. It was like if he was still in denial and asking me if all what he had just heard was true.

I nodded. Or so I think so, before I rushed up to my feet, ignoring the annoying dizziness and climbed out of the window. I ignored Casey's yell of my name, and it brought a familiar memory of my father doing exactly the same, as I ran out of the lair, like a coward.

I did a flip or two, and landed on my feet on the top of the rooftop, knew wobbling. I experienced the deaths of many beings in my short life, and I even was the cause of some of them. But it was in defence. I never intended to kill anyone, far from it. All I ever wanted was the peace for me, my brothers, and for the people all over the world.

Now the memories of broken, battered bodies, still haunt my dreams, cursing me.

But as painful as it was, to look at the dead bodies of my unfortunate enemies, the pain, the hurt was much stronger when the lifeless body belonged to my brother. I sniffed and put my face in my hands, wiping the tears away. I shuddered when the back of my hand touched the noticeably feverish forehead, and I cringed.

As a kid I would always get fever after a great amount of crying, and I guess this time it was no different.

But I wasn't a kid anymore.

And I had never before felt so broken and lost.

I almost decided already to head back home, and to take care of…a few things…Even if they didn't want to see me there at the moment, I needed to go back, although I honestly prefer to stay here, at least for some more time.

But my further actions were stopped with a weird, vibrating sensation, coming from behind my belt. I slowly looked down and pulled out a vibrating Shell-phone

So the Shell phone in Casey's hands wasn't mine after all. I mentally shrugged at the thought. Casey and April were both given a pair of phones, just in case if they needed us, or if something bad had happened to either of them, and didn't have time to go out to look for us.

I looked at the caller's I.D. and my eyes fell, when I realized it was Mikey. So Raph, really didn't want to talk to me at the moment, still probably grieving in his own way, raging and furiously kicking and punching everything that came in his view.

But why was Mikey calling him?

I almost decided to ignore the call, as I was about to return to the place that I once called 'home', but then decided, to answer anyway.

When I heard Mikey's hoarse voice, I knew instantly that he was still crying, and I could almost imagine him, sitting against the door of his or Leo's room, holding his knees close to the chest as he cried into his hands.

I stopped walking miserably as I heard him begin talking. He was stumbling over each word, but I couldn't blame him, as I wasn't doing any better myself.

"It's R-Raph Don…H-He…He went a-a-after you…after you r-ran out…" my blood froze. He went out, searching for me?! W-Why did he even bother to look for me? He wasn't showing any comfort or love when I stormed out of the lair, only hatred. Hatred and disappointment at me, after I made him know that I couldn't help our brother.

I didn't deserve that.

But I wasn't prepared for what I heard next.

"He's hurt Donnie…I-It's bad."

As I heard that and a few details more, my eyes watered up with the last amount of tears that remained in my body and my knees gave up. I collapsed on the cold ground, my eyes wide open, but to me it seemed like I see nothing. Blurred darkness that was all what I could see.

What I just heard from Mikey, made me literally sick and I had to force myself not to throw up right there and then.

I knew Raphael was always unpredictable. He could do one thing, and then change his mind and do something else. His mood could always go from being calm and pleased with everything to sad and furious in matter of seconds. He was the turtle that wore his emotions on his sleeve, while on the other hand, Leo always kept them bottled up inside, until the pain and hurt tore his insides out.

I always knew Raph was extremely protective over everyone. Even Leo, although he would never admit it out loud. Even though, they fought all the time, over the silliest little things, no matter what, he would be always there for Leo.

I sobbed and cancelled the phone call, getting up and slowly headed back. I cried all the way back to the lair.

I always thought and believed that I could read my brother like an open book.

But now, that I was crying, making my way underground where I knew what horror would await me, I knew that I didn't know Raph at all.

For I never knew, I never had an idea that my red masked brother, would plan to follow his older brother that night.

Now you're probably wondering what caused me to write something this long and…angsty…Well….a lot of things happened in the past few days and weeks and I guess during the time while I listened to Yiruma's music, something inside me just caused me to write this down.

What happened to Raph? Well, if that last sentence wasn't obvious enough, I'm thinking about making a second chapter to this story. I'm not yet sure whether I'll make it or not, but if I do, everything would be explained. Maybe we would even get a happy ending. The turtles deserve it don't they?

And poor Donnie. I wrote his feelings from my experience. I was totally numb and in shock for a week, 4 months ago when one of my best friends committed suicide due to the bullying. It didn't help the fact that a few hours earlier, before he did that, we sat together on the school bus, and he seemed…he seemed so happy, and I didn't suspect anything wrong…

I hope he finally found his peace. He deserved it. He was an amazing friend, and it's sick what bullying can do to a person.

I know it's long, but I just wanted to express all the emotions Don felt. I do believe, that if a brother would take a blow aimed at him, and he realized that he couldn't save him, he would fall into some state of shock. And I don't think Raph would hate him, because I didn't intend on making him hate Donnie.

I just think that rage and fury would be his way of dealing with sudden loss, before he would break down.

I don't know what else to add, except for the fact that this is my first time ever, writing about turtles, so I hope I did at least a proper job on it. And English isn't my first language, so please, excuse any misspelled words and grammar mistakes. Especially in the middle of the fanfic, Word started messing up and he constantly threw random words at some even more random parts of a sentence, so it took me a while to write that part. I don't know what had gotten into it.

Review?