The worst part about breaking up with a celebrity is that no matter where you look, there's evidence of their existence. Pittsburgh seems like a shrine to Sidney Crosby - from news stories and radio interviews, to his picture on the front page of the paper every other day, to the massive billboards with his gorgeous face staring back at me - he's everywhere. Game days are the worst. It's like every business forces their staff to wear Sid's jersey. Frankly, it's nauseating.
I haven't spoken to anyone about the breakup, but I'm sure Carter has guessed. It hasn't even been a week, and I already miss him terribly. The internet is the enemy, a constant temptation to cyber-stalk Sid. Twitter seems to track his every move, and I can't stop compulsively checking the message board for any rumor of Sid with another woman. To my surprise they haven't picked up on our breakup yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Pictures of my dinner with Josh have made the rounds though, and now I'm the biggest slut who ever lived for "cheating" on Sid. I roll my eyes at the thought.
The work week was a complete blur. Monday I tried to put on a brave face, but spent the majority of the day with a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on my office door. Tuesday I slunk in hours late and heard Carter explaining that I was up all night writing, which was only half-true. No writing was getting done. Wednesday was the mild intervention when Carter insisted I eat something and brought me a change of clothes. Apparently wearing the same outfit three days in a row gets noticed. Somehow I didn't notice though. Thursday was game day, and I was glued to my computer, devouring any tidbit I could find about Sid. Hearing he was out with stomach flu nearly sent me straight to his house, armed with chicken soup, but Carter talked me down from that. Friday consisted of intermittent crying fits and prowling message boards. All in all, I'm well into the thick of our breakup. Our breakup. Something we share. Somehow, it makes me feel close to him.
It's Saturday, and I've decided to join the world of the living and drag myself to pilates. A little physical exertion will do me good. The sleepy town is just waking up as I walk down the main strip toward the studio. Part of me knows there's a small chance I'll run into Sid, and if I'm being honest, that might have been the motivating factor for getting up so early. I look around anxiously, but there's no Range Rover in sight. I still have three minutes before class starts, so I linger outside a little longer, taking my time, hoping he'll magically appear.
"Kate!" I turn quickly to see Andrea running toward me. "Good, you're late too. We can sneak in together!" She pulls my arm in hers and drags me across the street toward the studio. Late? There's still two minutes before class starts! There's still time to wait and see if he comes looking for me! "Are you losing weight girl?" she asks teasingly.
"I've not been feeling well," I mutter.
"You're skin and bones!" she shrieks.
"Probably just dehydration," I say defensively.
"Let's grab a bite after class, what do you say?" Andrea flashes me a smile and in that moment I just want to hug her and cry my eyes out.
"Okay," I reply quickly, before I have a chance to change my mind.
Stretching and moving feels good. Focusing on breathing actually helps clear my thoughts a little bit and halfway through class I'm feeling really glad that I came. Marie, the new-age hippie pilates instructor seems to be part clairvoyant too, and throughout class she is constantly giving me supportive smiles and gentle encouragements. Maybe I'm not disguising my heartbreak as well as I thought.
After class, Marie insists on giving me a hug goodbye, and the gesture nearly sends me over the edge. "Hang in there," she whispers. As soon as she releases me, I look to Andrea who rolls her eyes in an exaggerated fashion and motions for me to follow her outside.
"Crazy Marie," she giggles and I join her, but immediately feel disloyal to the lovely woman who was only trying to lift my spirits. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Someplace fancy," I tease, pointing at our outfits.
"Good point," Andrea agrees. "Lets just grab something at Sharp Edge." Great. Returning to the scene of the crime, now I'll have had lunch dates with both Andrea and her ex-husband here!
"Sure," I agree easily. I don't have the energy to disagree with anyone today. Once inside, Andrea and I are seated quickly and she rushes off to the bathroom after placing our drink orders. I use the opportunity to check my phone and my heart almost leaps out of my chest when I see a text from Sid.
"How are you?" Straight forward and to the point, but he's thinking about me. Worrying even?
"Terrible." I answer honestly.
"Me too." His reply follows quickly. Oh Sid! I don't want him to feel badly!
"Are you over the flu?" I've been worried about him since I heard, although he has the best of the best looking after him no doubt.
"I wasn't sick Kate." Huh? Oh! My heart sinks, now he's missing games over this. "Can we talk?"
"Of course." I answer him rapidly, watching Andrea make her way back to the table. "Come over anytime this afternoon."
"See you later." I'm going to see him! My heart races and my mood lifts. Suddenly the world isn't a sea of grey, it's full of vibrant colors, and I'm awake to life again.
"Hey, you seem happy," Andrea sits down across from me. "Pilates agrees with you."
"I guess so," I smile at her.
Our early lunch is more than pleasant. My mood has improved dramatically, and my appetite has returned. Andrea tells me about a benefit she is helping to plan for a boy in Reese's playgroup. He has a rare blood disease and his family is struggling to cover the medical bills.
"So I'm going all over town begging businesses to donate something to our silent auction, and you'd think with all the millionaires in the area it would be easier, but it's not," she frowns.
"I can donate something," I offer brightly.
"You own a business?" she asks confused.
"No, but what about a walk on part in an episode of the show I'm working on? They've done it in the past on shows and it usually goes over really well," I explain.
"Oh Kate, that's amazing!" she gushes. "Thank you!" The waitress arrives and we place our orders and make small talk until I can gather the nerve to broach the subject of her ex.
"So, this is awkward, but how are things with Ray?" I ask hesitantly.
"Ugh," she sighs, and I feel badly for bringing it up. "I'm taking a break from men at the moment. You?"
"Same," I tell her, but it's not entirely true. "Well, sort of. I don't know."
"Still figuring things out?" she asks with a knowing grin.
"I guess so," I answer. Although I'm not sure what there is to figure out. Sid and I are moving in opposite directions at the moment. I have a short time frame to work with, and he's not ready. Unless one of those things changes I can't see us getting back together. To use his words, what would be the point?
Lunch with Andrea is exactly what I needed to remind myself the world is bigger than my relationship drama. Anticipation blooms in my stomach, and I'm eager to get home, but I'm also really enjoying myself. Lucky for me, Andrea is a mom and is well-trained in speed eating. She quickly finishes her salad and I only manage half my sandwich before I feel full. I guess that's what not eating for a week will do to you.
I quickly snag the bill, ignoring her protests. "You can get the next one," I tell her. Back outside, Andrea and I walk together as far as the studio, and then say a quick goodbye. "Thanks for inviting me to lunch, it was exactly what I needed."
"Well thank you for paying!" she beams at me. Andrea then heads in the opposite direction toward her parked car, and I jog across the street heading back home. I'm just a few blocks away when a horn startles me, making me jump a little bit. I look up and see Sid driving beside me in his truck, a smirk on his face, obviously laughing at me a little bit.
"Want a ride?" he offers, and I quickly climb into the front seat.
"You shouldn't go around scaring people," I scold while putting on my seat belt.
"Pilates?" he tugs on my yoga pants, and the feeling of his fingers on my leg has every nerve ending tingling with delight.
"Yes," I reply sweetly.
"I'm not going to have to come over tomorrow morning and rescue you again, am I?" he teases, but even though it's a joke, it's a lovely thought, and a beautiful memory.
"No, I didn't overdo it this time," I chuckle.
"Too bad," he mutters under his breath and my eyes quickly dart to his. "You've lost weight," he says sternly.
"So have you," I notice.
"Yeah, turns out heartbreak is worse than the stomach flu," he smiles anxiously.
"Oh Sid," I sigh. "I'm sorry."
"Let's not do this right now, I just want to enjoy you for a little bit," he says softly, Sid squeezes my knee as we pull into my driveway. I climb out of the truck, hopeful that he'll follow me, and when I feel his hand rest on the small of my back I can't help the smile that spreads across my face. I fumble with my keys, keenly aware that he's smiling down at the precious gift he gave me only days earlier. Seconds later we're inside, and I shudder at the sight of my neglected house. He's here! And I look like a dog's breakfast!
"Do you mind if I take a quick shower?" I ask Sid.
"Not one bit," he says and for a second I think he's going to suggest joining me, but his expression changes and he glances around the room. "I'll just hang out in the living room."
Upstairs I take inventory of my clean laundry. Sexy underwear, just in case, short denim skirt, black v-neck t-shirt so it appears casual. I shower quickly, and pull my wet hair into a ponytail. I put on a little makeup, not wanting to look too eager. Kate! I scold myself. You just broke up! Nothing has changed! Reality is like a slap in the face, but necessary.
Downstairs Sid is watching a basketball game with disinterest. He sits up when he sees me enter the room and I smile. "Can I get you a drink? Are you hungry?"
"No, I'm good," he tells me and pats the spot next to him on the couch. I obediently sit next to him and he quickly pulls me close to his chest. "I miss you."
"I miss you too Sid," I confess as his hands move through my hair and his hands curl around my back. "What are we doing?"
"I don't know, let's just go with it," he suggests, but I've been here before. This will only make things worse in the long run.
"Let's talk instead," I offer, pulling away and turning to face him.
"Okay," he concedes, slightly wounded, but willing. "What do you want to talk about?"
"How have you been?" I ask nervously, knowing the answer but eager to hear it from him. Selfish Kate!
"Awful," he says evenly. "I don't think I've ever been worse." I frown at his answer and his hand swiftly captures my face. His fingers caressing my cheeks, and I can't help but blush. "You?"
"I'm a mess," I tell him. "I can't stop googling you." Sid laughs a little bit and the tips of his ears redden.
"Same," he confesses. "By the way who's Josh Harper?"
"An actor," I reply evenly.
"There were pictures of you on a date with him," Sid says curtly. "And you were worried about me dating right away!"
"It was a business meeting in New York," I tell him, tracing his knuckles with my fingertips. "That's all."
"That kind of stung," he admits, wrapping his fingers around mine.
"It wasn't a date."
"Just seeing you with another guy though," he continues.
"Well, we're both going to have to get used to that," I say with a heavy sigh.
"I'm dying to kiss you," he whispers.
"Me too," I confess. The proximity is too much, and I stand up and move to the chair across from him.
"Kate," he shakes his head.
"Sid, nothing has changed. I still want what I want, and you're not ready. Let's not torture ourselves."
"This is torture!" he exclaims. "My parents think I've made a huge mistake and they're on me all the time about it, I missed a game Kate. A game, not a practice, a game! Do you have any idea how..." he trails off and holds his head in his hands. "I can't eat, when I sleep I'm dreaming about you, which makes it hard to want to wake up."
"I know Sid, me too."
"Then let's just stop killing ourselves and be together!" he cries.
"If you're ready, then I'm yours," I say evenly, but the look on his face tells me he's not ready. Not yet, anyway.
"I can try," he says nervously.
"You have to be ready Sid," I start. "It's an important decision, you have to be sure."
"I'm so afraid you're going to find another guy," his voice cracks.
"That's not a good enough reason to have a baby, Sid."
"Isn't it?" he asks.
"Sid, kids deserve parents who want them," I whisper.
"I want you," he presses.
"Oh babe," and I immediately regret my choice of words. His face twists in agony and in a second he's on his feet stalking toward me. He pulls me to my feet and captures my mouth in his. The feeling of his kiss is intoxicating, and I forget all my convictions and give into it. His hands run up the inside of my shirt and I run my fingers along his muscled waistline. His skin is like a magnet, drawing me close. Sidney presses his tongue inside my mouth and lets out a low moan. The sound of his desire snaps me back into reality and I forcefully push away from him. "Stop!"
"Katie?" he looks concerned, obviously shocked at the tone of my voice.
"Sid, we can't do this," I say quickly, avoiding eye contact with him.
"Okay," he agrees and I hear him steady his breath. "Do you want me to go?"
"No," the word leaves my mouth before good sense kicks in. Sid sits back down on the couch and I reclaim my seat across from him. Both of us are a little embarrassed by the outburst, but hopefully it's past. "I don't really know how to be around you anymore," I confess shyly.
"Yeah, it's weird not to be able to touch you," he sighs, and the words cut through me. I want you to touch me! Kate! Nothing has changed.
"Sid, we need to decide if we can be around each other or not," I say gently. "I really want you to be happy, almost more than anything."
"I want that for you too babe."
"I really want a family, I haven't had the easiest relationship with my mother and this is important to me. I've always wanted this, and I'm running out of time. If we're going to keep falling back into each other, then I'm never going to be able to let you go and give myself a fair chance at being a mom."
"You can't wait a year? Just a year?" he pleads.
"It doesn't work like that for me," I say with a sniffle. Here come the waterworks. I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself but it's no use. "I wish I could. You have no idea."
"So timing. We're going to let timing keep us apart?" he growls.
"Think about what you're asking me to give up," I beg him. Sid's expression softens and he shakes his head.
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
"Me too," I blink up at him.
"Should we try the friendship-thing?" he asks hopefully.
"Yeah, after a while. It kind of hurts to be around you," I answer honestly.
"Oh, I know the feeling," he laughs and it thaws some of the tension. "I should get going, my parents are in town."
"That's nice for you," I say brightly.
"Wish it were under better circumstances," he frowns. "Can I have a hug?" I quickly stand and walk toward the front door with him. He opens his arms and I tuck into my favorite place in the whole world. He squeezes me tightly, and rests his forehead on mine. "I love you," he whispers. "Am I allowed to say that?"
"I don't know," I giggle. "I think so."
"Good," he smiles.
"I love you Sid, take care of yourself. No more missing games, okay?"
"You got it," he agrees easily.
He pulls me close for one last squeeze and then heads out the door. I slump back to the living room and watch his truck leave my driveway. Some of the anxiety has lifted, seeing him was good in a way, but the crux of our problem is still there. I don't know if we can be friends though, not really anyway. I can't imagine being happy for him when he finds someone to move on with. The thought of another woman in his bed makes me simultaneously furious and devastated. If we're going to be apart, I need to make it worthwhile. I can't waste any more time hoping he'll change his mind.
I fire up my laptop and for the first time in days, I don't google Sidney, but instead I start researching my options. It's amazing and a little scary how many profiles there are for sperm donors online. This isn't going to be as easy as I thought. It's hard to let go of the idea of having children with someone. Instead I'll be paying for the "specimen" and the reality is I'll likely never meet the father of my child. The thought is overwhelming, so I head to the kitchen and pour myself a generous glass of wine before diving into the process.
Okay, don't think of it as letting go of Sid, think of it as starting a family. The thought of holding a little baby, a perfect little person who needs me more than anything, warms my heart, and makes things a little easier to handle. God I hope I'm doing the right thing here!