xxx
"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
xxx
Today's the day. It must be. There's no other reason, to open his eyes, and see his face.
He sits on the window seat, right in front of the bed; perched in the corner with his knees up to his chest. barefoot, and dressed in a loose T-shirt that falls over faded blue plaid pajama pants. In his hands is a steaming cup of coffee, carried in the same chipped Mickey Mouse mug that has been collecting dust for months going on to years. The morning sun coming in highlights his hair, making it glow gold, makes his complexion look warm and inviting. Though it isn't until he turns to face him, directs those cornflower colored eyes right at him and breaks into that too large smile he's been missing for far too long that has him jolting upwards and stirs something inside of him.
It has his throat close up and his eyes burn. His lips thin, his jaw clenches, and he knows he looks to be more than just upset. This familiar sight, this disgustingly wanted sense of domesticity that has been gone from this place, is more cruel than he imagined. He wonders if this is meant to be gift or punishment, right up to the point where he is thrown out of his thoughts by a voice that clutches at his heart and keeps his breath still.
"Morning!" the blond chirps and slips down from his seat and back onto the floor. The coffee in his hands swirls wildly in the mug, threatens to spill over with his antics as he goes on to say, "Come on! I got so many things planned for us, jam packed full and all that so we gotta get dressed and everything!"
He pauses, looks to the door connecting the bedroom to the bathroom and hums. "I think I'm gonna take a quick shower, it's been forever since I've had one."
The truth of that statement goes untouched, and it's only when the mug is set on the dresser and promises of being quick accompanied by a door clicking shut does anything happen.
Ivan remains sitting up in bed, the blankets pooled around him. He flinches at the sound of water running and soon hunches over, his face in his hands. His body shudders fiercely from keeping his emotions in check and breathes in deeply.
xx
Ivan goes through the motions of his morning routine. He showers, brushes his teeth, combs his hair, and fixes the bed without so much as a single thought running through his head. By the time he leaves the bedroom, he hears the loud clattering of pots and pans coming from the kitchen and instantly makes his way. He's greeted to the sight f the blond standing in front of the refrigerator, doors wide opened, with his hands on his hips and every kitchen utensil stationed on the island counter.
Again, at Ivan's appearance, he greets him with a large smile and says, "Hey, so I was thinking for breakfast we'd make stuff together. Except I don't think we have enough eggs for everything, we're gonna have to cut something out if we actually want just eggs-"
"Alfred."
The name is called gently in a tone Ivan has missed using, and in doing so he must remind himself to once again continue breathing. Especially as the other answer to the name, his head snapping towards him, locking their eyes, and even adjusts the glasses he wears in the same questioning gesture that is so familiar that Ivan's throat threatens to close once more.
It's a slight struggle for him to continue, but he does so amiably.
"Let's go out to eat," he says. "Down on the corner is fine."
A small wave of confusion washes over this Alfred's face, though it passes quickly.
"The diner?" he questions. "But... don't you not like the food there?"
He can't help himself, the use of the double negative has Ivan' smile. "That is not necessarily true, sometimes the food is more than passable. I'm willing to gamble on today."
"But... you like home food."
"Yes, I do. But you do not like cooking."
Alfred waves the comment off. "Nah, I mean, it.. it can be, y'know okay."
A small chuckle accompanies Ivan's words. "Let's go out to eat. I insist."
There's still some reluctance. "You're sure?"
"Very."
"Okay." The refrigerator doors close. "I'll just get the-uh-my jacket."
He passes by Ivan a bit more cautiously than warranted, his eyes filled with a spark of curiosity that only lingers until he picks up a normal pace and leaved the kitchen entirely. The scent of minty aftershave is left behind, and Ivan wills himself to not chase down the source and bury his face into it like in times before.
xx
"So I was thinking after this we'd hit up the park for a hike. Pack something light for a picnic and go fishing or something."
Alfred says all of this while smashing a heaping forkful of hashbrowns smothered in ketchup between two slices of toast. Ivan sits idly across from him in their booth with a with a too watery bowl of oatmeal, not minding it or the off color appearance in favor of watching Alfred shove half of the combination into his mouth. His lips quirk upwards at the action and the way to blond continues to speak with a full mouth.
"What d'you think? Sounds fun, yeah?"
Instead of answering him straight away, Ivan folds his hands in front of himself and simply observes the way Alfred eyes his meal for several seconds.
"Actually," he says, breaking into the silence gently, "what if instead of fishing, we go to the arcade? I believe there is a new machine there and you must be wanting to play that."
Again, Alfred's face crumples into confusion and it looks as it swallowing his mouthful of food is something of a struggle.
"The arcade?"
Ivan nods. "The arcade. That seems like a much better idea than the hike and all that. Less of a hassle and besides, it's too late in the day for it."
A frown works it's way onto Alfred's face. It stays there even as he drinks from his uncharacteristically ordered cup of tea, and as he agrees to the change of plan.
"And then after," Ivan continues, "we can go to the comic shop."
He takes a great deal of pleasure from seeing the way the blond's eyes bug out in surprise.
xx
At the arcade, Ivan plays for a total of five minutes. He moves aside and allows Alfred to play on his own, handing him an endless amount of quarters without word or hesitation until he's had his fill.
Much of the same occurs at the comic book store. Ivan browses through the racks of colorful pages for the sake of courtesy and in the end hands back to watch Alfred pursue his interest. More than once does Alfred pause to comment on his behavior and asks if Ivan wishes to move along, and each time Ivan shakes his head with a warm smile and continues to encourage Alfred to stay.
It placates the blond into remaining, but there remains a shadow of a frown that Ivan wishes to kiss away.
He doesn't, but he wishes.
xx
"Babe."
"Hm?"
"Are you sure you're okay with this?"
In front of him Alfred sits with a tray arranged with all of his favorite items. Ivan's own, not so much.
They come to McDonald's for lunch, and while it's known to be a favorite of Alfred's, there is no real gleam to his eye when their order is called and they seat themselves at the same table they've always used in their dating days.
"You like McDonald's," is all Ivan replies with in regards to the question.
"Well, yeah. But it's not your favorite."
"No. It isn't."
Alfred's lips turn downwards into a frown.
"So then why-?"
"Alfred."
"Yeah?"
"Please eat."
Much like before, the frown is still in place as Alfred bites into his burger. He eats with less zeal than Ivan would have liked, but he smiles all the same as he begins to tuck into his own meal.
xx
After their lunch, Ivan takes a hold of Alfred's hand and leads him away in the direction of the park. This leads Alfred to throw out questions of whether or not his former hiking plans have been chosen for their next activity, but Ivan remains silent. Instead, he gives him yet another smile and tightens his grip. He fights the urge to lift Alfred's hand up to his lips to plant a small kiss on the backside of his palm as was customary, and even the blond looks at him expectantly.
He almost rethinks the decision of rejecting the action at the slight crestfallen expression that crosses the blond's face when coming to the realization of it not happening, but he holds. Someone else in his position may have taken advantage of the fact, and it's a struggle to not do so, but knowing that it's not exactly the hand he wants in his own prevents it from happening. So, instead, he begins to swing their hands between them as they walk and strike up a conversation on any subject that will keep the Alfred talking.
They reach the park this way, in little more than a few minutes, hands still clasped, and Alfred's mood a lighter than it had been before.
"So we gonna do my hike idea or-?"
"Alfie! Alfie!"
His words are cut short by the high pitched squeals of children. Both Ivan and Alfred turn their heads in time to see a small gathering of little kids running from the jungle gym and across the small bit of grass that separates them from the couple.
"Oh, god, what did you do?" he mutters just loud enough for Ivan to hear.
"The children must miss you," is all Ivan is able to say before they're hounded by tiny hands and and smiling faces.
He isn't able to respond to such a statement, though the look he shoots Ivan says much in regards to the implication behind the other's words as they're swarmed and so many voices call out all at once with different questions and demanding them to be answered. One small voice in particular rises above them all, one that belongs to a tiny-framed girl of six or seven with short bobbed blonde hair and bright green eyes, asks, "Did you come back home Alfie?!"
"Just for awhile," he tells her. "There was something really important that I had to do here for today."
Her face, as well as several others that understand his meaning, falls.
"Does that mean you're not gonna come back and play with us again?" she asks and is sure to give him her best doe-eyes.
Ivan's heart clenches in his chest. Her hope-filled eyes and naivety constricts his throat and he can't help the tears gathering in his eyes when Alfred's smile falls and a saddened expression takes over in it's place.
"Ah, no," he tells her. "No, I'm not gonna be coming back again. See, I was able to come for a visit, but then I have to go away again. I'm sorry."
"But why?" she presses. "Where are you going?"
Ivan wipes at his cheeks and Alfred falters with his words. It takes a great many "ums" and "ahs" before he's able to come up with something to say, and when he does he simply tells her, "Well, its like when your daddy got a new job and you had to move from your old house to your new house. I had to go away and it's really hard to come back to visit."
He leaves it at that and the small girl's face lights up with understanding. She nods and smiles.
"I get it! Well.. I hope you can come back sometimes to play with us."
Alfred gives her a sad, little smile. He doesn't reply to her sentiment, instead he lifts her up and places her on his shoulder. She shrieks and laughs as he does so, and taking it as a sign of their fun beginning, the other children grab at the blond's clothing and start to pull him back towards the jungle gym and swing sets from where they came. Alfred goes willingly, and as he's shepherded away, Ivan looks towards a nearby bench to sit and watch the interactions from a close enough distance.
"Nuh uh there mister," Alfred calls out to him. "You brought this on me, you know you're gonna be helping me out with them!"
Ivan stands frozen in the presence of this smile that is now being given to him, full and bright, and for the moment he believes that it's all real. He shares a smile of his own, moves back to Alfred's side, and together they lead the small army of children into an afternoon of games and laughter.
xx
A scene almost erupts at the movie theater. Upon arrival, Ivan insists that Alfred choose a film he would like to see, and in response Alfred continuously pushes for films that would appeal to Ivan rather than himself. It escalates quickly and almost too loud. They gather the attention of people nearby, and before anything more could happen, Ivan luckily spots a poster featuring a film Alfred would definitely like and an actress whose work he enjoys. It diffuses everything, and the rest of their time spent at the cinema passes with incident.
Though Ivan spends most of it watching Alfred make various faces and hand gestures instead of talking back to the screen like he would at home.
Their dinner is nothing more than a few hot dogs and soda cans from a street vendor they both like and is eaten on the way home. They laugh and chat the whole time, and the good mood bleeds into the cleaning that needs to be done because they had both forgotten about the mess that was left in the kitchen that morning. Ivan puts away the last of the cleaning products and paper towels just as Alfred announces that he'll be taking another shower and he is more than welcome to join him with a wink and a laugh that lingers after he's gone.
He almost takes up the offer, but like the other times before, refrains.
By the time both have showered and dressed, the hour is late, and the only thing left to do is go to bed together. It's all so very routine and domestic that neither one says much as blankets are pulled back and they slide underneath them side by side. It's at this time that Alfred moves closer to Ivan and presses his legs to his. He trails his hands to rest on the Ivan's shoulders, and he knows where this will all go if he doesn't put a stop to these actions.
"No," he breathes. "No.. don't ruin it."
Alfred pauses, blinks once and then twice before moving back to his side of the bed.
"You know," he starts out slowly, "you've been making this whole day rather difficult. You barely touch me, you won't kiss me, or anything. If I didn't know better, I'd say you didn't love me."
"Of course I love you." Ivan reaches over and presses a hand to the side of the blond's face. "If I didn't, then I would have no problem with giving such affections to those who were not you. No matter how much they may look like you."
Again, that bug-eyed look of surprise crosses his face and he can't hold in a chuckle.
"It's been almost a year since the accident," he says, calmly. "How would anyone wake up to the image of their dead significant other sitting right in front of them and acting like none of that had happen and think that everything was back to how it was before?"
Alfred shrugs. "Sometimes people just go with it. You can't blame them, can you?"
"No.. No, I suppose not."
A silence lulls between them, and in being wrapped in the comforting quiet once more, Alfred attempts to take advantage and return to his former touches but Ivan puts a quick stop to them with a simple touch to the other's hands to still their movements.
"Could I just hold you?" he asks. "Could I hold you the same way I used to hold him? I.. would like that a lot better than anything else."
Instead of looking put down or anything of the sort, the blond gives him a small smile and nods. He takes his hands away and slowly turns from Ivan, giving him his back and the permission to scoot closer and pull him against his chest. Ivan does so with careful movements and takes his time in pulling Alfred close. He does so to appreciate every small moment of this he is given. He's lived too long without this kind of contact, he's determined to have his fill. Even if it's only with a substitute, he'll take it all the same.
Better than nothing.
"Can I ask you something?" Alfred asks after they've settled and everything around them is still.
"I suppose."
He hesitates in asking, as though considering how the question should be posed or if it oversteps in any way. Eventually, he asks, "Do you know why I'm here?"
Ivan breathes in deeply. "I had a feeling when I first saw you. But I'm not afraid, or even sad, if you're worried about that."
"No. No, I'm.. I just... If you knew from the first time you saw me, then you should have figured out that my job was to make your day enjoyable."
"And it was, you did a fine job."
"Thank you. But.. Was it really? It's not as if we did anything you were particularly fond of."
Ivan hums. "No, I suppose we didn't."
"So then, why did we do those things?"
"Well, because. They were all of Alfred's favorite things, and more than anything I loved watching him be happy."
"I hope you get to see him again."
The arm around his waist stiffens and tightens its hold.
"I hope so too."
Nothing more is said. Ivan's eyes close and his breathing evens. Alfred waits until he's sure the other is in a deep enough sleep to do the same.
xx
When dawn breaks and the first rays of sunlight stream in through the crack in the curtains to hit the bed occupied by a single person still nestled in blankets and surrounded by pillows, the blond is still there though no longer carrying Alfred's likeness. He's a bit shorter, eyes greener, and hair shaggier, but he remains sitting in the same place he had the previous morning, legs brought up to his chest as he looks over Ivan.
He's paler than he was yesterday, and there's that unfortunate scent that always accompanies the newly deceased, though other than that, nothing seems remotely out of place.
It's not typical, for beings of his own kind to remain for so long. It's rather normal for them to leave once their job is completed, or perhaps linger for a few moments more to ensure some sort of mortal sentiment, but he himself feels something inside of him that leaves him determined to remain until the very end. Which, by his calculations, should be soon. His sister, the older one, is meant to find him this morning, and while that in itself is unfortunate, he finds no sadness in the affair.
His words were not some form of shallow comfort, he really does hope the two of them will meet again after being separated for so long.
He leans further back in his position and looks again to the bed growing colder.
Yes, he really does.
xxx
Disclaimer: Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip.
-So my birthday was this month and it always gives me a lot of feels and none of them ever good. I meant to finish off the next chapter for Lullaby, but I had part of this uploaded and felt the pull to finish it.
-It doesn't help that this was started because of my brother's birthday but we're not gonna talk about that.
-But anyway, I have to go now, so stay shiny and stay lovely and I'll see ya'll later. :mwah: