(A/N: Hey folks, Deadpool here, how y'all doin? So draconichero20 recently deleted some of his more amateur works, both in progress and completed and now he's decided he's going to try and write a fic starring the one and only ME! Welcome to Dude and a Fool a crossover between me, Deadpool, and Devil May Cry. Dude and a Fool? That's the title? Sounds like the name for a sitcom. Anyway, so draconichero20 didn't put a lot of thought into writing this. In fact he's only gotten as far as this chapter, but there are a few things you should know. For starters this'll be Dante in between the events of Devil May Cry 4 and Devil May Cry 2 so we might see Nero and Kyrie at some point. Right so let's get this show on the road shall we. Lemme just jump below this line break, disclaimer and pov denotation…)
Disclaimer: Deadpool and Devil May Cry copyright their respective owners
3rd Person pov
"Like that," Deadpool looked above his head at the disclaimer, line break, author's notes and point of denotation and promptly brought his head down to normal level, "Perfect." Deadpool noticed that his surroundings were a little…lacking. "Hey! Why's everything white? Where's the background and scenery?" The fanfic hadn't officially begun yet so there was no background to speak of. However, with a quick scene change Deadpool was in his current apartment chilling in New York. "I thought I'd be going to Venice, Italy." The author had no idea why Deadpool would think that. "Oh come on, you and your buddy Xerosonic wrote Dante into living somewhere in Italy in your fanfic Demonic Vanguard cause of all the pizza." In truth it's ambiguous where in the world the Devil May Cry agency existed. "Ooh! Then can I go to Scandinavia?"
You know I get the feeling I'm just going to have to be direct.
"Who said that?" Deadpool looked around finding so signs of a little white box or a yellow box, but very certain he heard that voice before.
It's me, draconichero20. If you're going to try and communicate with me then rather than having to write annoying narrations I'll just communicate with you like this. Consider me the fanfic replacement of the Little Yellow Box.
"Wicked," Deadpool responded, "So like I was saying can I go to Scandinavia?"
After the Ocean Liner incident during the Evil Deadpool arc do you really think I'm inclined to let you cross the ocean? The author asked.
Deadpool laughed, "Oh, yes, let's hear canon from someone that's only read one arc."
NO U!
Deadpool laughed like a troll.
Look…just…go about your business and I'll drag you in when I need you.
"Can do," Deadpool responded with a thumb's up. There was a ping! Sound from his kitchen. "Chimichangas are done."
Fictional Characters, the author mused.
Devil May Cry Agency
Wherever the titular shop was located, Dante was currently chilling in his office eating pizza with the jukebox on. Business had been slow for a while, but that didn't matter to the renowned demon hunter. As he hung another slice of pizza over his mouth the phone rang. Dante bit into the saucy slice, brought his foot down onto the desk to pop the phone into the air grabbed it and then tore the pizza out of his mouth with his other hand.
"Devil May Cry," Dante said with the cheese and toppings wedged into one side of his mouth and swallowed.
"Do you run business in America?" the voice on the other end of the phone asked.
"As long as you can pay for travel expenses," Dante responded, "What can I do for you?"
"This is the CIA. We're calling on the half of the New York State police. They've got a bit of a situation that none of the regular heroes we've got down state side seem to have the ability to handle."
"Go on," Dante crossed his legs.
"There's a demon running loose, going out to nightclubs, luring beautiful women away and then killing them after a night's worth of wild sex. The police have confronted this freak of nature several times, but we've lost quite a few officers trying to get rid of it. It'd be really great if you could help us out," the officer on the other line responded.
"Sounds all well and good," Dante said, "Just a few questions."
"Go right ahead," the CIA officer answered.
"How am I getting there, do you know where this demon's going to strike next and how am I getting paid?" Dante asked.
"We'll have a helicopter fly by the agency to pick you up. We'll be paying upon full completion of your work of course. Something like this shouldn't be a problem for a man of yours, or anyone else's caliber, but the problem is getting in contact with those people and getting this thing out in the open before it's had a chance to strike," the officer stated.
"How much?" Dante asked.
"One hundred grand," the officer responded.
"Quite a lot of taxpayer money you're willing to part with, but I'll take it," Dante stated, "You worked so hard to get in touch with me after all."
"Thank you Mr. Dante, a helicopter will arrive shortly to pick you up. Please have a safe trip," the officer hung up.
Dante hung up the phone finished his slice of pizza and put a magazine open to the page of a two page spread of a nude woman over his face to take a quick nap before his departure.
New York
Deadpool looked up at the switch in location. "Ooh! So I'm back in the story now?"
Yes, the author responded. Deadpool was happy and went back to watching TV. He stayed in his apartment all day eating chimichangas watching some old 90s movies and, eventually the sun went down and Deadpool could hear the sounds of the city and many multicolored lights flashed into his apartment from nearby clubs. Deadpool decided he'd go to one of them and have himself a good time.
"So why do I gotta do that?" Deadpool asked. "What's my motivation?"
Look just because I'm not your regular author doesn't mean you have to critique my instructions. Draconichero20 told the Merc with the Mouth.
"Of course not, Greatkingrat88 will do enough of that on his own," Deadpool responded back.
Look I'm wasting more chapter space getting you going than writing. Don't you want to get into an awesome, demon slaying, totally heterosexual partnership with another red clan comedian?
"I'd call that suspiciously specific denial, but we all know you're anti-yaoi. Still, you know I love me some excitement in the form of shooting things bits and cutting them to ribbons," Deadpool said and jumped out his apartment window singing in a low tenner, "Here I come to slay the daaaaaaaaay!"
Isn't it normally…
"I know what I said," Deadpool answered.
At the club,
"Read that as hardcore bar," Deadpool corrected.
…
At the hardcore bar, Deadpool sat at the bar getting totally wasted with mug after mug of good old fashioned Bud Light. Neon lights blasted the bar creating an array of colors and the music was so loud it was making it hard for Deadpool to hear himself think.
"What?" Point explained.
So there Deadpool sat getting drunk until he heard a pop song he liked and just had to get onto the dance floor.
As he came in through the window was the sound of a crescendo
"Oh, you're right I do like this song!" Deadpool jumped into the dance floor and began to dance like the King of Pop. "Moonwalk!" The people around Deadpool seeing his groovy moves gave him his space and watched and clapped as Deadpool rocked the dance floor doing a perfect imitation of MJ's choreography. "Ow!" Deadpool squealed in line with the soundtrack. He danced pretty well for a cancer covered, seven beers downed mercenary.
Anny are you okay, will you tell us that you're okay?
And then the sound of the window that he struck you a crescendo Anny.
He came into your apartment left the blood stains on the carpet
And then you ran into the bedroom you were struck down it was your doom.
"You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal!"
Outside the club, Dante approached the area. Every woman that laid eyes on him that was single flashed him "makeout eyes". Dante winked and smiled at most of them, eliciting more screaming and squealing from the beautiful women he paid attention to. "Better stay away they might bite," when he left them on the table. He'd get them back after mission complete.
Dante walked up and approached the bouncer. The bouncer, Frank, was an African American man. He was 6' 4" and 240lbs. "Name," he asked Dante.
"Dante, party of one," Dante answered.
The bouncer flipped through the pages. "Sorry, I don't see a Dante listed." The bouncer answered. "Also, what's in the guitar case?"
"A guitar, what else?" Dante asked. It's not like he could have a gigantic Claymore sized sword inside it. Nor was he concealing two handguns underneath his bright red jacket.
"Riiiight, well you're still going to have to go to the back of the line and I'll frisk you when you get up front," The bouncer told him.
"Oh come on," a woman in the front of the line said, "He seems like a really awesome guy, let him in."
"You heard the lady," Dante smirked.
"Sorry, rules are rules," the bouncer responded. Every female and gay man, and even a few straight guys, in line booed in unison.
The bouncer sighed. "If I get in trouble for this I'm blaming it on you!" he shouted at the people in line and let Dante pass through. "Go on in!" Cheering all throughout the line erupted as Dante strode into the bar. Alice Deejay's Better Off Alone was playing through the speakers. Dante saw all the people dancing. He knew his mission, but couldn't really sense his target yet so, he decided to have some fun for a little while.
Dante found the song not quite good enough for his tastes and waltzed up to the DJ. "How about something with a little more oomph?" Dante asked.
"Whatchyoo want man?" The DJ who was half-Puerto Rican half-Asian and wearing a navy blue and white bandana asked Dante.
Dante hopped up next to man and looked. He previewed a few using separate headphones before finding a beat he liked. "This one," he pointed to his selection.
"Sure thing dude," the DJ responded, "Right after this song is over."
Dante nodded jumped down and laid his guitar case against the speakers.
When the song ended, Dante's selection began playing.
I'm out of time and all I got is four minutes.
"Oh, I like this one too!" Deadpool exclaimed and began to dance only for everyone to abandon him in favor of Dante. "What? Where's everybody going?" he asked. He pushed through the crowd and saw Dante dancing and he was very good at it.
"Screw that, check this out!" Deadpool said and challenged Dante with his own dance.
"Nah, nah," Dante said and showed Deadpool how to move smoothly.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
"Well then looks like what we got here is a dance off," Deadpool told Dante.
"Fine by me, bring it," Dante told him.
"Say the word and Imma give you what you want," Deadpool sang the lyrics as he sang.
The two mirrored each other as they danced. However, everyone agreed that Dante was much smoother in his dancing.
"Best two out of three!" Deadpool raged. The next song played.
Shot through the heart it's all part of the game that we call love.
Instantly Dante broke out into air guitar. The women spectating immediately began screaming and swooning. Deadpool tried to imitate, but he just failed miserably and just wound up watching Dante go.
"Now you've come back here to say you're sorry, ha," Dante sang, "I just don't know who you're talking to."
"Big deal even I could do that," Deadpool folded his arms in jealousy. After another minute of watching and getting no fans he shouted at the DJ. "HEY! Play something for me!" he griped.
The DJ just shrugged. As if things didn't look bad enough for Deadpool following Shot through the heart by Bon Jovi, Layla by Derek and the Dominos, and Rapunzel by the Dave Matthews Band followed, both of which were perfect for Dante and not so much for Deadpool. "Hey! Author! Pick something good for me or I'll come over there and strangle you!"
I'm looking! I'm looking! Sheesh!
Following Deadpool's outburst Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics came on. "Better." Now Deadpool and Dante were on the same level again. "So," Deadpool said to Dante as they danced against each other, "Where are you from? The planet of the Fabios?"
"Jealousy will get you nowhere," Dante answered.
"What's your name pretty boy?" Deadpool asked.
"Dante, yours?" Dante asked.
"I'm Deadpool," Deadpool answered.
"Deadpool huh? That a code name or something?" Dante asked.
"You're not from around here are you?" Deadpool asked.
"I thought that should've been obvious, though considering people around us aren't looking at us funny I take it we're on the lower end of the freakshow spectrum," Dante responded.
"Oh believe me if you think I'm funny looking you should get an eyeful of the X-men. If you haven't heard of them you soon will. The Avengers too for that matter," Deadpool responded.
"Nah, I've seen much worse than. In fact I'd say you look relatively harmless by comparison."
"Harmless?" Deadpool raged.
"Look harmless," Dante answered, "I've had my fair share of adventures to know that the weirdest of loons or the most innocent of women can be downright dangerous."
"Amen to that my crimson clad brother," Deadpool answered.
The two continued dancing until the song changed again to Headlong by Queen.
"So how old are you?" Deadpool asked.
"I'm old enough to know better," Dante said and spun in a half-circle quickly, "and young enough not to care."
"What kind of answer is that?" Deadpool asked.
"My usual," Dante responded.
"Look it's just…"
"My hair?" Dante asked. "It's always been like that."
"Well at least you're not bald like Professor Xavier," Deadpool responded.
"I don't know who this Xavier is, but he sounds intelligent," Dante responded.
Deadpool laughed, "Oh you have no idea."
The song changed again to Two Princes by Spindoctors, but in the middle of the song though, Dante finally picked up his target. Found you, he said, now…where are you? Deadpool continued to prattle on about random things, but Dante wasn't paying attention. Instead he honed his senses in on the demon at the end of the bar pretending to disguise himself as a regular human with a clean shaven face, combed back black hair, perfect abs, wearing cologne, Dante could smell it from his position, and thankfully was still alone. Dante whipped out Ebony from beneath his coat and took careful aim past the pedestrians and shot the guy right in the face on the other end of the bar. The gunshot was heard over the music and the sound stopped. Everyone ran away screaming from the gunshots as Dante continued to poor bullets into his target decorating the walls and the booth with blood.
"Dude!" Deadpool exclaimed, "You just shot the %#$& out of that guy," Deadpool looked at his previous dialogue, "Oh what the %$&# I'm still censored?"
You are anyway and only the f-word.
"What?"
It's the start of a gag.
"That's discrimination! I'll sue you for a hate crime!" Deadpool shouted only to notice that not only was the human Dante shot reverting to his natural form as the demon turned into a corpse, but Dante was also leaving the club. "Oh shit! The plot!" Deadpool ran after Dante. "Hey! Wait up!" Deadpool called out to Dante and met up with him at a crosswalk.
"Oh, hey there," Dante said turning around to meet Deadpool eye to eye, "You had some impressive moves there on the dance floor."
"Dude, forget about that!" Deadpool exclaimed, "That was some totally hardcore shit back there. Did you even know that guy was a demon?"
"I can always tell," Dante responded, "They have a distinct smell and sensation. Hey may have been trying to cover up his sent with cologne, but damn that stuff was putrid," Dante wiped his hand in front of his nose, "Whatever brand he was wearing I wouldn't recommend that even for a guy the girth of a sumo wrestler."
"Yeah, but you just shot the %$&# out of him. Like no hesitation and there were a couple of people and me in your way," Deadpool was wigging out.
"I'm professional. It's what I do. I never miss. Besides it's all in a day's work," Dante answered.
"Wait, work?" Deadpool shouted.
"I run a business: the Devil May Cry agency. I specialize in Demon Hunting…for a price."
"You get paid to do this?" Deadpool seemed interested.
"Barely," Dante huffed, "Damn place is falling apart."
You know business has been slow with me, Deadpool thought to himself, you think I'd stand to gain some dinero if I went to work for Fabios here?
Well that was the idea.
Sahweet! "So Fabios, I've got this great idea!" Deadpool said holding up his hands like a movie director about to give a pitch to an actor. "How's about I come work for you?"
"I can barely afford to pay my bills," Dante exasperated, "I can't hire you."
Deadpool waved his hand out in front of him to clear things up, "You misunderstand me. I want in on the agency." Deadpool clenched his hands and held them by his chest all excited-like. "Slaying demons sounds like fun." Deadpool held out his hand as if he was expecting cash to be dropped in his hand, "Just pay me twenty percent on commission." He dropped his arms at his sides. "I bet you get paid peanuts cause you don't know how to negotiate a proper pay sum."
"Well I…"
Deadpool talked right over the demon hunter, "Come on it'll be awesome!" Deadpool wrapped his arm around Dante's shoulders and clasped the one on the opposite side and spanned his arm out in front of the both of them. He smiled with great enthusiasm. "Dante and Deadpool: A Dude and a Fool!" I just title dropped didn't I?
Yes you did.
"Sounds like the name of a sitcom," Dante answered.
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" Deadpool exclaimed loudly.
"When?" Dante scratched his head.
"Back in the author's notes," Deadpool pointed up to the sky with a smile.
"The only thing up there is the moon," Dante stated.
"That's what you think skippy," Deadpool responded, "So whatdya say partners in Demon slaying?" Deadpool said with a hopeful grin.
Dante sighed, "I get the feeling you're not going to take no for an answer," he shook Deadpool's hand, "Welcome aboard Mr. Deadpool."
"Oh, please, call me Wade."
"Fine…Wade." Dante smirked.
And just like that Dante and Deadpool became friends and would go on many adventures together, but first Dante had to take a bus to the precinct to get his paycheck. They were sitting all the way in the back and Deadpool was singing loudly, obnoxiously, and offkey. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes! Take five! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes! Take six!"
Deadpool continued to sing while Dante seemed to be able to tune it out baffling many of the passengers that were covering their ears. Of course what Deadpool was oblivious to, having too much fun annoying the fucking crap out of everyone was that Dante had his ears plugged and was listening to music.
The powers proven to end the madness
Upon I take it to end the savage
The rays of light a truth is meaning
To my father the blood is pleading
A justice rage for all to feel
With innocent cries and hatred squeals
The gore of evil seems to satisfy
When slain and maimed and pacified
End of Chapter 1
(A/N: Hey there readers! So as you can see Dante and I are now best buddies. Now as I was saying before, Alex, better known as draconichero20, didn't have idea of what he wanted to do beyond this first chapter and, since this is apparently a crack fic, his words not mine, he's going to leave it up to you, the fans, to come up with zany suggestions on what we should do. You see Dante and me are just going to get into mess after mess after mess until Alex can come up with a semi-coherent plot. JUST LIKE A JAPANESE COMEDY ANIME! So, leave a review [or a comment if you're on deviantart] and tell us what you'd like to see happen in the next chapter. If Alex and I like your idea we'll use it. And remember, it's first come first serve folks so be quick about it or you might be waiting a while for your idea. Well that's all the time we have time today for so we'll see you next time).