Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE CHARACTERS IN "ARTHUR," NOR DO I OWN THE TWO YOUTUBE POOPS THAT INSPIRED THIS FANFIC. THEY BELONG TO YOUTUBE USERS MrPoopMeister AND TheRiseOfCody.
Warning: Not for children.
Enjoy!
At a sideshow in a carnival somewhere, in front of a big tent that read "BIG BOB'S," a ringmaster was yelling into his megaphone, pointed at a crowd of people, "Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up! Come see Big Bob's Big Top!
"Beyond this curtain," he continued, "lies a treasure trove that's ginormous, gigantic, and supersized!"
Two clowns opened a curtain to reveal...a random teen?
"'Sup, beetches?"
Cue the title card.
"Arthur Gets Fat!" read Binky, as D.W. opened a curtain and saw David scrubbing his genitals and hairy legs in the bathtub. "OH, MY GOD!" he shouted.
D.W. closed the curtain and opened it up again. This time, she walked in on Pal raping Kate. She tried again, and found Jane playing with her ba-hoobies in front of a mirror. She reopened the curtain one last time and found a GIANT FAT ARTHUR coming out of the toilet.
"HOLY SH - "
Arthur, who was quite sensitive to cursing, grabbed the flusher, aiming to hide in the bathroom pipes. Because of his fatness, he clogged the toilet and flooded the bathroom.
"I mean, oops?"
All five family members came running after D.W. and tackled her offscreen.
"For the last time..."
D.W. peeked out of her room into her brother's with a book in her hand as a pair of pants sailed across the hallway.
Arthur was rehearsing for a school play. "There's no such thing as a...a...guh-guh-guh...uh, ghost?" he said, trying to sound scared, but being hilariously bad at it. He let out an unconvincing scream. "Ahh!"
D.W. walked over to Arthur's door.
"You don't sound very scared to me!" she called tauntingly.
When Arthur stepped out of his room, he almost knocked over his sister. "D.W., I think I need to practice my lines by myself!" he said, holding his script.
"But this is the school play, your big chance! When you see the ghost, you have to be really scared, like this!"
"Go away!" Arthur yelled, slamming the door. A few seconds later...
"A G-G-G-G-G-GHOST!" Arthur heard someone holler. in a squeaky, high-pitched voice. It sounded like a witch mouse, it sounded even more like a yodel, or some kind of exotic chant during a ritual. So, he peeked out of his bedroom and saw D.W. in the hallway. D.W. was running in circles around the hallway, her hands clasped to the side of her face. The screen began to act up. First, it choppily rotated 720°, 90° at a time. Then, D.W. roared in an unnaturally low-pitched voice. Now the screen began to pixellate. Then the screen returned to normal. D.W. screamed right, but then she dragged it out too far, and grabbed her throat, and fainted. "Blaugh!"
Then she got up. "Like that!"
"NO!" screamed Robotnik offscreen. Arthur was annoyed by this. He shot him a look, then sighed and rolled his eyes at his sister.
"Is that what you're wearing for your costume?" asked D.W. as Arthur walked out into the hallway.
"What's wrong with it?" Arthur replied, not knowing that his pants were slowly beginning to become undone.
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." hesitated D.W.
By this time, the seams holding Arthur's pants button in place were beginning to break. The button was shooting out and then retracting like a paddleball.
"Oh, no!" Arthur finally realized what was happening. The seams finally popped and the button flew off his pants. D.W. screamed like Ganon as she leaned out of the way and the button shot past her, ricocheted into the master bedroom, hit a tank of oxygen on wheels they were supposed to bring to their geriatric Grandpa Dave, and the tank exploded.
Arthur's pants started to fall, and, embarrassed, he pulled them back up.
Arthur showed his pants to Mom, and she was confused.
"They fit when you wore them for Aunt Lucy's wedding. Maybe you've had a growth spurt."
Meanwhile, D.W. walked by the den, heard the conversation, walked backwards back to the den, and randomly belted out, "A G-G-G-G-G-GHOST! AH!"
"Kid, listen, Feck you!" Jane shouted back.
Later, Jane took Arthur and D.W. to the clothing store in the mall to buy some new pants for Arthur. Arthur was inside a changing room, and Jane was outside waiting for him, while poor D.W. had to sit in a chair outside the changing rooms.
"Well, how's it going?" asked Jane, starting to open the door to the changing room.
"Mom! No! You can't come in!" yelled Arthur. He walked out of the stall holding a pair of jeans.
Then a dog store clerk walked over. "May I..."
"NO!" shouted Arthur in Robotnik's voice. Arthur's angry eyebrows had mysteriously bushed up.
"Oh, we can't seem to find anything that fits," Jane told the clerk, two pairs of pants on her arm.
"No problem!" said the dog clerk. He measured Arthur's waistline with a long string of measuring tape. "Ten..." he mumbled quietly as he worked. Then, he measured Arthur's legs.
"Twenty-five..."
Then, he looked at the measuring tape for the results. Jane watched and smiled.
"Holy $#Í+!" the clerk suddenly screamed. "It's OVER 9,000!" He calmed down, put away the measuring tape, and said to Arthur, "Come with me, young man!"
A smile grew on Arthur's face.
"I believe I have just the thing for the growing boy." The clerk led the Reads to a corner of the store where clothes hung on a single circular rack. "Heeere we are!"
"Um, is that all there is?" Arthur took a rather ugly green-and-yellow-checkered shirt off the rack.
"Our store doesn't carry much in the way of husky size," the clerk replied.
"Husky size?" gasped Arthur.
"Husky size," confirmed the clerk.
"Husky size?!" Arthur still couldn't believe it.
"Husky size!"
"HUSKY SIZE!?"
"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I said 'husky size!'"
The camera zoomed in on Arthur.
"Oh shit."
Jane looked up, above the husky corner. There was a huge, three-piece sign hanging from the ceiling with the word "FAT" in humongous blue letters, and the word "CORNER" on a smaller sign underneath it. There was also a small blue triangle arrow hanging from the sign, pointing to the "fat corner."
"You're fat, Arthur!" Jane commented loudly enough for the whole store to hear.
Arthur almost died of embarrassment.
The next day, the Brain, Arthur and Buster were on the soccer field, Arthur was struggling to keep up with his friends, they were kicking a soccer ball around and quoting Bionic Bunny.
Apparently, Buster was "Jimmy," and Brain was "Inspector Kruthers."
"I tell you, there's something fishy about this whole operation, Inspector Kruthers!"
"You can say that again, Jimmy."
"This is Megan," said a random voice.
"Arthur, it's your line!" yelled Brain. Arthur was walking over to them and panting hard. "Arthur?"
"Whew," sighed Arthur, who had come to a complete stop in the middle of the field.
"Arthur, are you all right?!" asked the Brain.
"I guess I can't suck dick and run at the same time!" Arthur responded.
"Oh! Well, let's just sit over here!" They walked over to the bench where their backpacks and waters were sitting. Buster took the soccer ball.
So Arthur sat on the bench instead, while his friends stood over him. Brain grabbed his water bottle, while Buster dropped the ball and kicked it back up into his hands repeatedly.
"Do I look husky to you guys?" said Arthur.
"Well, you're definitely not husky, but you are fat! And there has been more of you lately!" answered Buster.
"This is horrible!" Arthur said upset. "What am I gonna do?"
"I've got it! This is easy! You just need to diet!" Buster threw the ball at Arthur, and it hit him in the chest.
"Umph! Uh, a diet?" He returned the ball to Buster.
"Yep, an 'anything you want diet!'" said Buster.
"Hmm..."
Buster and the Brain went home with Arthur, and they were at the kitchen table, a great abundance of healthy food blocking the view of each other.
Arthur wasn't sure how the diet was supposed to work. "So what am I supposed to do, just stay fat?!"
"You're not fat!" Buster said. "You're just a little..." he tried to find a "euphemism" for "fat," but failed to. "...fat?"
Arthur, obviously not amused, glared at Buster.
"Arthur, don't worry, all diets make you lose weight!" assured the Brain. "Let's play the anything you want diet game!"
"How do you play?"
Brain and Buster pushed all the healthy food off the table, and Buster said, "You're already playing!" "YAAAAAAAY!" the three shouted. They all pigged out and played "BB: Curse of the Moomies" together on Arthur's console until his friends left for home. (Get the FOP reference?)
After dinner, Arthur reached into the cupboard to grab a snack, and thus started his "anything you want" diet.
MONTAGE TIME!
(Song starts)
(Author's note: the bold in parentheses indicates the male singer, and the bold in brackets indicates the backup.)
(I'm fat!)
[Fat!]
(I'm fat!) [Fat!]
(Sh-boom!)
[Really, really fat!]
And so, for the next week, Arthur ate anything he wanted. On Sunday, he snuck into the kitchen and enjoyed an entire bag of potato chips.
(You know I'm fat!)
[Fat!]
(I'm fat!) [Fat!]
When he went to the park with Pal on Monday after school, he decided to make a stop to buy some ice cream. When he got to the cart, no matter how much Pal growled or bit Arthur on the hand while trying to tell him to get frozen yogurt, the healthy alternative to ice cream, he ignored his dog and pointed to the ice cream logo on the cart anyway, and ended up ordering a big sundae with one scoop each of all 52 ice-cream flavors in it, with every single ice-cream topping known to man smothering it. On top of all that, there were countless Maraschino cherries.
(You know it!)
[Really, really fat!]
Later that afternoon, Arthur went to the Sugar Bowl, Buster would stop him before he went inside with a bottle of water, just to tease him. But Arthur, taking it seriously, thought Buster had forgot about his "diet," and, to remind him, kicked the water bottle of his hand, gave him a fist to the jaw, and stormed inside to continue his "anything you want" diet.
(You know I'm fat!)
[Fat!]
On Tuesday evening, Buster came over to Arthur's house, and they just sat on the couch, ate, were inactive, and watched I Love Lucy on Arthur's TV.
(I'm fat!) [Fat!]
The song stopped abruptly as we cut to a timecard.
"6 1/2 hours of I Love Lucy marathons later..." read the offscreen French narrator from SpongeBob SquarePants.
The song and montage resumed and Arthur and Buster were still sitting on the couch, in the exact same positions they were before.
(Come on!) [Really, really fat!]
(You know it! You know I'm fat!)
[Fat!]
On Wednesday afternoon, Brain watched Arthur walk to the kitchen and followed him in there. He gasped when he saw that Arthur had assembled a huge-ass hamburger that had what seemed like endless layers of mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, onions, ketchup, burger patties, chicken patties, ham, mozzarella AND American cheese, bacon, BBQ chicken, mustard, onion rings, pulled pork, whole pickles, sliced pickles, pepperoni, honey mustard, sausage, jalapenos, potato chips, spaghetti and meatballs, etc., and Brain was very relieved when Arthur, now having to stand on the top of the cabinet, finally ended his burger by topping it with the top half of the sesame-seed bun. In an amazing feat, he shoved it in his mouth without having to take it apart first, and swallowed it whole without choking.
(I'm fat!) [Fat!]
(Sh-boom!)
[Really, really fat!]
On Thursday evening, Arthur, joined by his parents, D.W., The Brain, and Buster, were sitting on the bleachers at a Mighty Mountain, the away team, vs. the home team Elwood City Elementary, the other elementary school for Elwood City. Because of her embarrassment over Arthur eating so much and getting so overweight, D.W. was hiding her face behind The Elwood City Times and pretending to read it. The other four who were going with Arthur were too glued to the action to notice Arthur as he pulled out a 3 Musketeers, unwrapped it, and ate it. He shoveled down about a dozen types of candy at the game alone, including Snickers, Butterfingers, and candy corn.
(You know I'm fat!)
[Fat!]
(I'm fat!) [Fat!]
(You know it!)
On Friday after school, Jane and David dropped the kids off at Grandma Thora's house for the afternoon. Soon, they had already baked a batch of twelve chocolate chip cookies, and were working on another one. However, while Thora, Kate, and D.W. were distracted and mixing up the batter, Arthur snuck off to the other side of the kitchen, where the first batch of cookies were cooling off on a pan on top of the stove. One-by-one, Arthur began to scoop the cookies off the baking pan.
[Really, really fat!]
(You know it!)
On Saturday, Arthur gobbled his way through a mountain of French fries. By that night, he looked like an obese, gelatinous monster with lots of fat rolls. Even his face was fat, so fat, his nose had disappeared.
(You know!)
[Fat!]
(You... *fade out*)
END MONTAGE
Early Sunday morning, before church, Arthur started his second week of his diet by stepping onto the scale. The number displayed on the scale skyrocketed into the thousands, and ended up right at 12,000. The camera slowly but dramatically pulled in on the number.
Arthur, who couldn't believe he weighed 12,000 pounds, fainted.
After he recovered in the hospital from from his faint, almost cracking his head open like an egg by hitting it on the side of the bathtub, and a concussion, he had plastic surgery to get rid of all his fat. He returned home Tuesday night.
Arthur, now back to his normal size, decided he wanted to try to get his pants buttoned again tonight.
"Well, here goes..." he said, standing in his room. D.W. was lying on his bed, and she shielded her eyes so she wouldn't get hit with a flying button. I can't watch! she was thinking.
Arthur strained so hard trying to button his pants that he shut his eyes tight while a drumroll played. Almost there...
The drumroll ended before reaching its climax as the button went flying off the aardvark's pants.
Arthur had failed in putting on his pants.
"Noooooo! I almost had it!" Arthur wailed as he fell on his knees.
Depressed and discouraged, Arthur called up the Brain the next day. When he arrived, he climbed upstairs and found Arthur in his room.
"I'm still fat!" moped Arthur sadly, even though he had gotten plastic surgery and he was never visibly fat to begin with at the start of this Poop. "I did just what you said!" He tried to button his pants. "No fruit, no vegetables, and look! No change!"
"Well, it's only been three hours!"
"It has not!" shouted Arthur.
"Well, it's only been a week!" Brain corrected himself. "Maybe you should give it three hours."
"NOOOO!"
"Well, then maybe you should give it another week or two at least." But by this time, Arthur had already lost his patience.
"MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST SHUT UP!"
On Thursday, Arthur had Buster over to watch Bionic Bunny.
"Maybe I should just ditch the diet and start walking now?" Arthur held up his pedometer.
"Nahhh!" replied Buster.
"Uh, may I be excused?" asked Arthur, running out of the den.
Then, in his room, Arthur let out the biggest, noisiest fart he'd ever farted; so loud, in fact, that he had to shut his eyes tightly in order to let it out.
Two days later, back on the soccer field with Buster and the Brain, Arthur was sad again.
"I'm still fat," he moaned to his friends.
"Oh," said an interested Buster, holding the soccer ball. Brain just smiled.
"You don't seem surprised," said Arthur.
"Oh," said Buster again. Arthur, now slightly annoyed, shot him a dirty look before continuing.
"I had to get new pants yesterday - husky pants," Arthur sighed.
"Oh," Buster said, this time, on purpose.
Arthur lost it and punched Buster in the face.
Arthur started his third week on his "anything you want diet" by downing another bag of chips.
After school on Monday, everyone was leaving class, but Mr. Ratburn stopped Arthur.
"Oh, Arthur?" he said.
"Yes?" answered Arthur.
"Could I have a word with you?" Mr. Ratburn didn't see Buster had pushed Brain out of the way in the background.
Arthur smiled eagerly and nodded, staring into Mr. Ratburn's eyes. "Ohhhh!"
Backstage, Arthur helped Mr. Ratburn by carrying a box of decorations and props out of the storage room while he wheeled a knight in shining armor, all while Arthur told him his sob story.
"...But I still can't fit into my pants!" he finished.
"You know, Arthur, this may come as a surprise to you, but there was a time when I was a real...fatty rat!"
"Really?" Arthur asked as he set the box onto a table and Mr. Ratburn wheeled the knight into a room with the word "PROPS" on the door.
"I'd tried every diet known," Mr. Ratburn pulled a crystal ball with an eye marked on the stand on the bottom out of Arthur's box and gazed into it, "but one day I discovered I had a hidden talent..."
Porno music started up as the background rippled to a gymnasium. Mr. Ratburn, only Arthur's age at the time, was sitting on the benches enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, along with a hard-boiled egg. That's when another boy walked over to him holding a tennis racket.
"SUCK MY DICK!" he screamed. "FOR CUM!"
Young Nigel put down his snack. "Okay!" They got on the floor, but suddenly the screen went black and the word "CENSORED" popped up.
Slurping and "mmm" sounds were heard for a while, then the boy whose dick Nigel was sucking warned, "Slow down, I'm gonna spurt!"
"AGH! BLEAH!" shouted Nigel.
"Sorry."
"That's when I realized I was good at...sucking dick!" narrated Mr. Ratburn. The word "CENSORED" on the screen changed to "EXTREMELY CENSORED".
"I was so confident! And gradually, without even noticing it, I became the fit specimen you see before you today!"
The screen went back to Arthur and Mr. Ratburn.
"But I don't know how to suck dick," Arthur said worriedly.
"Oh, the type of exercise doesn't matter, Arthur!" Nigel handed Arthur the crystal ball back. "The important thing is that you get enough of it."
"Well, how do I know what's enough?"
Ratburn switched on a light, and thought with King Harkinian. "Hmm! Aha! You'll see in the morning!"
Arthur suddenly wondered what his teacher's cock-sucking story was all about. That's when he noticed this really creepy, almost lustful smile growing on his teacher's face. It was a little unsettling, and Arthur got uneasy. He didn't like it. That's when it all made sense.
"Are you a pedophile?" asked Arthur in the voice of Chris Griffin.
"Yes!"
"AAAAAAHHHH!" yelled Arthur, now somehow back in the clothing store. *Dun Dun Dun!*
"It's called a pedometer!" Ratburn held up a pedometer for the whole class to see the next morning. "And it will record the number of steps you take! Any questions?"
Arthur raised his hand. "Mr. Ratburn, I already have a pedometer!"
"Oh, but this is a special pedometer! Instead of simply attaching it to your wrist, this one goes on your PINGAS!" said Mr. Ratburn, walking over to the door.
"Is this for a grade?" asked Binky.
"No," said Mr. Ratburn in a Hotel Mario voice.
"Do they come in better colors?" asked Muddy.
"NOOOOO!" Mr. Ratburn screamed.
"Why are we doing this!?" asked Buster.
"SHUT THE FU*K UP, OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE!" Ratburn said the last part in Ganon's voice.
So, starting the next day, Arthur went off his old diet and started a new real one, and started walking Pal at the park every chance he got. When he went to get ice cream, Pal tugged at his leash, so Arthur pointed at the frozen yogurt sign instead. But Pal didn't like that idea, either, because he tugged at his leash again. When he went to the Sugar Bowl, Buster would stop him from going in, and give Arthur a bottle of cum to drink instead. He jumped rope while watching TV, actually got in the soccer game with Brain and Buster, and shut off the TV when something he wanted to watch came on and excercised instead. Sunday night, before everyone was to bring back their pedometers to Mr. Ratburn so he could see how he did, Arthur checked his, and it was at 9,006.
Arthur was shocked and screamed, "It's OVER NINE THOOOOUSAAAAAAAND!¡!"
He jumped up in the air, making the pedometer go up to 9,007.
"Well... here goes!" Arthur was in his room again, trying on his pants, and D.W. was lying on his bed, covering her eyes.
Arthur tried to button his pants. The drumroll started. When he heard the snap, he opened one eye, then the other, letting go of his pants. Then triumphant music played.
"They FIT!" cheered Arthur. But he didn't celebrate that night, because when he let go of his pants, the button flew off, bounced off the walls into Jane and David's room, hit the tank of oxygen reserved for Grandpa Dave, and it made the whole house blow up. "DOAAAH!"
The camera cut to a picture of Arthur frowning as the red word LOSER! flickered on and off on the screen and the "Price is Right" fail music played in the background.
Arthur didn't attend the school play Friday night because he died.