I deleted this story long ago, but I decided to re post it simply because I missed writing it :)
disclaimer: I'll never own anything in the story.
It seemed like an average day for the Cullens, just sitting around, watching tv, when suddenly a Geico commercial turned on.
"I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico," said a smiling man who looked in his fourties.
Emmett gasped as he screamed, "I WANT GEICO!"
Esme sighed exasperatedly.
"Emmett, we don't need Geico. We're vampires, remember? We can't get sick or hurt easily."
"He's about to say 'But what if the Volturi attack'?" whispered Alice to Jasper. She giggled and Jasper just kind of grimaced.
"BUT WHAT IF THE VOLTURI ATTACK?!"
"Well, they couldn't do much, could they?" said Edward. "The Volturi are a powerful coven, and the Geico dudes are human-"
"No, Edward, they're magical wizards who go to Pigfarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," said Emmett knowingly. "Its on Mars."
Then he started screaming hysterically again.
"I WANT GEICO I WANT GEICO I WANT GEICOOOO!!!"
"CARLISLE SHUT HIM UP!" cried Renesmee, plugging her ears.
'Okay, Emmett, we can get Geico," said Carlisle. "Not that it'll do any good."
"Thanks, Carlie, you're the best dad ever!"
"Don't call me that."
---
"So, you're here to get Geico insurance," said a secretary who had an excessive amount of plastic surgery at a Geico store(do they exist?).
"She looks like a Barbie doll," snickered Rosalie.
"Takes one to know one," replied Jacob, which earned himself a death glare.
"what was that?" asked the secretary.
"Uh... yes, we are here to get insurance!" said Jacob frantically. "We're not mythical creatures or anything! Edward doesn't have footie pajamas, and Esme doesn't secretly play with Barbie-"
"What he's trying to say," interrupted Carlisle before Jacob blurted out everyone's weirdest secrets, "is may we have Geico insurance?"
"O-kay.... so I just need a blood sample to sign you up."
Everyone exchanged looks anxiously. Blood?
"What?" said the secretary. "Is there a problem?"
"No!" cried Jacob. "Everything's fine! None of us are vampires, how could you say that Emmett doesn't still suck his thumb, Carlisle doesn't sleep with a nightlight(if he could sleep), and Alice isn't secretly a dude and Jasper a gir-"
"ENOUGH JACOB!" yelled Renesmee, which made him whimper.
"Sorry, my little babykins," he said.
"Anyways, bring me a blood sample by tomorrow, bye!"
---
Mike Newton heard a knock at the door at midnight. He opened it to find Carlisle Cullen wearing a baseball cap and one of those glasses that have a nose and mustache attached.
"Hello. I-a need-a a-a blood-a sample-a," said Carlisle in a totally fake Italian accent.
"Doctor Cullen?" asked Mike sleepily.
"No-a. I'm-a named-a Mister-a Doctor-a Professor-a Carlisle-a Cullen-a. I-a am-a collecting-a blood-a samples-a around-a the-a neighborhood-a to-a cure-a swine-a flu-a."
"Uh, I don't think that'd help cure swine flu-" said Mike, but was interrupted by Carlisle.
"LOOK I AM THE DOCTOR HERE AND WHAT I SAY GOES SO PRICK YOURSELF WITH THE DARN NEEDLE ALREADY!!!"
Mike wet himself as he hurriedly pricked himself with the needle and ran inside screaming, "MOMMYYYY!!!"
---
The next day, Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward went to go get the insurance verified.
"Do you have the blood samples?" said the secretary the next day.
"Yes, we do," said Rosalie, handing the secretary Mike's blood sample.
"Uh, this is only one-"
"DEAL WITH IT!" screamed Carlisle while the secretary looked very freaked out.
"It's that time of the month," said Emmett, grinning, which made the secretary even more scared and Rosalie ticked off.
"Okay, then... I'm just gonna let it slide this once... anyways, the total for insurance comes down to one billion dollars a month and you have to sell your soul to me."
"But we ain't gots no soul," cried Edward while cutting himself with his teeth(so it sounded more like "We ainf gofff no sullll"
"WAIT A BILLION DOLLARS?! NO WAY JOSE!!! SORRY EMMETT NO GEICO FOR YOU!!!" cried Carlisle, while carrying out a screaming Emmett.
"IWANTGEICO! I WANTGEICO!"