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HeartDeNijs

Time

It's infinite. It's as old as existence itself and even when its concept was not known, it continued.

Humans are unique because we think we have mastered time. We devised ways to keep track of it, first with sundials and now with atomic clocks.

Why are we so obsessed with time? It's quite simple. Our time on Earth is finite and we take it for granted until we have little time left. Like wealthy people who have lost their fortune, accounting for every penny they have, we track every second we have left.

I'm no different. I took time for granted because I thought I had forever, we had forever, but that naïve belief was crushed the night after WrestleMania.

"This has been a great year! You became Champion and on par with me for drawling in crowds. I can't imagine what next year after WrestleMania is going to be like." Punk and I were lying in bed basking in after sex glow and excitement from the biggest night in wrestling.

I felt Punk tense beside me. "John, I have to tell you something. I didn't want to tell you before WrestleMania so you wouldn't have to worry." Punk rolled over on top of me and looked me in the eye. I saw sorrow and regret in his eyes and my elation deflated in an instant.

"What's wrong?" I prayed that he wasn't going to tell me that he didn't love me anymore and was leaving me.

"I'm not going to be at the next WrestleMania." After he said those words, he rested his head on my bare chest and I felt his halting breaths against caress my skin.

"I don't understand. Did you get fired? Vince is an idiot if he did. You have done so much to further this company this year. Are you quitting? Because if you are, I'm not going to let you enjoy retirement on your own.

"God! You don't know how much I wish I could tell you that I've been fired but I wasn't. I have cancer, John. It's inoperable and the doctors say I only have six months. I'll be lucky if I get to see the Rumble this year." My chest is wet with his tears now and, if I wasn't so stunned, tears would be pouring down my face, too.

"Please tell me that's not true! Please, Phil! I can't lose you!" I wrapped my arms around him and hung on for dear life. It was almost like, if I held him hard enough, God couldn't rip him from me and my life.

"I wish with all my heart that I could, but I can't. I'm dying and there's nothing anyone can do to change that."

"But what about chemo or something else?" There's always a way out or a solution. I lowered my head and raised his by grabbing his jaw. I looked into his eyes hopefully.

"There's nothing they can do, John. I've asked and have gone to different doctors, but they all say the same thing. Six months."

"God, I love you too god damned much to lose you and you are mine! You hear me up there, God? He's mine and you can't have him until I'm good and done with him!" I started sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry. I wish we had more time, John, but we still have six months together. Who knows maybe you'll get tired of me by then." He smiled at me but it didn't reach his eyes like a true smile.

"I'll never get tired of you. You are the love of my life and I can't imagine life without you! I have to make a lifetime of memories with you in six months! That's not enough! I dreamed of us sitting on our front pouch fifty years from now talking about the good old days." I rubbed my face into his neck, memorizing his scent.

"I want that too, but sometimes we can't always have what we want, John. It's been the story of my life. It was only this year that I've finally gotten some of the things I've wanted, but then I found out I had cancer." He started running his fingers through my short strands of hair.

"I'm quitting tomorrow and you are, too. I'm not wasting my last months with you doing shows and catching planes. I'm going to fit a lifetime in six months." I gritted my teeth and looked up at Punk again. He smiled a real smile this time and nodded his head.

"I wouldn't have it any other way. God, I love you!" We stayed awake the entire night that night, holding on tightly to each other and making love.

I made good the promise I made that night.

The very next day, we went to Vince and quit without notice. It made national headlines and probably got the most news coverage since Chris Benoit killed himself and his family. We didn't say why we were leaving. I didn't want people to know that Phil was dying because I didn't want people reminding me every day that our time was limited.

We never talked about his approaching death after that night. It was too painful for both of us to acknowledge. It was easier to ignore it.

The first thing we did was get married. It was private, just us and the justice of the peace. It was a beautiful ceremony and I won't forget it for the rest of my days. He looked so beautiful it damn near broke my heart. He didn't want to "wear a monkey suit on my day" he had said and he didn't. He became mine wearing a pair of jeans and a T- shirt and I was just as underdressed for the occasion, but any other way would not have felt right.

We kept with the simple theme for our honeymoon. All that mattered to me was that I was with him. I didn't care where we went and Punk wanted to stay in his apartment in Chicago. We didn't leave that apartment for two weeks. We just stayed in watching movies, reading Punk's comic book collection, and, of course, exploring each other bodies. Looking back on those two weeks, they were probably the happiest days of my life.

After our "honeymoon", we went a spent time with Punk's sisters. One of his sisters had just had a baby boy and I know that Punk was relieved that he was able to experience that before he died. For me, however, it just reminded me that I would never have that with Punk. I always wanted Punk and I to start a family after we retired from the WWE. I didn't care if we adopted or if we found a surrogate. My heart ached every time Punk held his nephew in his arms because I wished that was our child. I think Punk felt the same regret that I did. His eyes would start shining with tears when he looked at his nephew.

We didn't stay long with Punk's family because of the pain of being reminded of what we would never have.

We spent the next two months traveling the world and sightseeing. This might seem silly to most because of how much we traveled with the WWE, but we never had time to do the tourist stuff. All we ever saw were hotels and arenas. This time, though, we took in everything and took probably a million pictures. We had to stop traveling when Punk became too sick.

He became so weak in the last few months of his life. He lost his appetite and just stayed in bed all day. I stayed by his side and savored my time with him. I couldn't imagine my life without this man.

He had to be hospitalized when he stopped breathing one night and that was where he stayed for most of his last month on Earth. Maybe I was greedy, but I didn't leave the hospital or his room while he was there. He was mine, is mine, and I wasn't wasting my last bits of time with him by driving to and from the hospital and I wasn't even sure if I could sleep without him in my arms.

Punk continued to deteriorate until he told me one day that he wanted to go home. Going home should have been an exciting event, but I knew that he wanted to go home to die. He had given up and felt that death was near.

Our first night home, I waited until Punk fell asleep and then I went into our bathroom and I cursed God. I cursed God for taking away the only person who I ever truly loved and made me happy. I asked why I was the one who wasn't dying of cancer. I had done so much more wrong in my lifetime than Punk. I started trying to bargain with God. If he let Punk live and grow old with me, I would give all my money to charity and spend all my free time with the Make-A-Wish foundation.

God never answered me that night or any night after that. Punk continued to die while I stood by and watched helplessly.

On Punk's last night on Earth, he had a request for me.

"John, I want to feel you inside me one last time," he had said. I didn't know if I could grant him his request because I wasn't feeling particularly sexy, but I would do anything for Punk.

I started kissing him tenderly and we stayed like that for a while. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay with me forever. I ran my hands all over his body, wanting to memorize it so I could remember for the rest of my days. I entered him gently and I made love to him slowly. We stared into each other's eyes the entire time. Looking into each other's heart and soul allowing them to say goodbye to their mates. Punk held onto me tightly as he came and I was not far behind. I turned over onto my side and put my head on Punk's chest and listened to his heart. He placed his hand on my head and started playing with my hair. We just laid there for a long time. Me listening to the comforting rhythm of his heart and him playing with my hair.

Punk eventually fell asleep but I stayed up and listened to his heart because I knew that he would never open his eyes again. Over the night and into the early hours of the morning, Punk's heart slowed down gradually, until right before the sun came up, I listened to it make its last beat and his breathing stopped.. I laid there and prayed that his heart would start beating and he would start breathing again, but he didn't.

The pain that exploded from my heart breaking was indescribable. I sat up on the bed and cradled Punk's body in my arms and just screamed my pain to the walls of our apartment. It's all a blur after that.

The next thing I remember is hearing heart wrenching sobs and someone holding onto me tightly. I looked to see if was Punk, but it was his sister and I realized that the horrible sobbing was coming from me but I couldn't stop myself.

I watched as they put his body in a bag and took him out of our apartment, I knew that he was not there anymore and they were just taking his vessel away, but I had to fight myself from stopping them from taking his body.

Everyone eventually left me alone in the apartment and I just laid in our bed with my head buried in Punk's pillow. It smelled like him. I stayed like that for days. I didn't shower because I still had Punk's essence on my stomach and I didn't want the last physical part of him that I had to be washed away.

I only vaguely remember going to the funeral. Punk had wanted to be cremated so his friends and family didn't have to see his dead body, but now I wanted more than anything to see him one more time. I cried through the entire thing and then I went home and cried more.

Time, which I so carefully kept track of my last months with Punk, now passed me by. I'm told that Randy gave me a month and then came in Punk and I's apartment to get me out of my grief. He's a good friend, but I just wanted to be left alone. I believed that I could die of a broken heart and I wanted to. I had nothing left to keep me here on this Earth, not without Punk by my side. Randy told me that Punk's will still had to be read and I had to be there in order for the attorney to read it. I told him that I didn't want money, I wanted Punk, but Randy said that Punk had told him before he died that I needed to be there, so I reluctantly went. I'm glad I did.

The attorney read that Punk left all his money to cancer research and then he handed me an envelope with my name on it in Punk's hand writing.

Randy took me back to the apartment and left me alone to read the letter. My heart fluttered as I opened the envelope and unfolded the letter.

Dear John,

I'm sorry that our time together was cut so short. I just want you to know that our time together was the happiest I have ever been in my life. You opened me up to a world of love and devotion and I wish that I was with you right now to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright. I know this is going to sound cowardly, but I'm glad that I died first, even though death came long before I wanted it to. My soul wouldn't have survived losing you and having to go on with my life. Please, John. Move on and be happy. You have your whole life ahead of you.

My only regret is for something I did not get to share with you. I saw the pain in your eyes when you watched me hold my nephew. I have never wanted anything more than to have a family with you and get to watch our children grow up and be successful. I want you to get to experience this even if I'm not there with you. It's up to you if you want to use it, but I had some of my semen frozen for your use. I gave Randy the paperwork if you want it.

If you decide to have my child, please tell him or her that I love them with all my heart and soul and I just wish that I had been able to meet them. I'll be watching them from above. I'll be watching you too, John. I'll always be by your side even if you can't see or hear me. I'll be waiting for when we will meet again.

With Deepest Love,

Phil

I started crying, but this time my tears were tears of hope. I could still have a piece of Punk. I got up and got dressed and headed over to Randy's to start the process of getting a piece of Punk back in my life.

10 months later

My hands clutched the wheel in my hands. Today was the 1st anniversary of Punk's death. It had been a tough day for me already and it was still morning. I looked in the rearview mirror and checked on Philip. He was sleeping in his car seat. He is only a few weeks old, but I can already tell that he looks exactly like his father. I'm glad that he does. I'm taking him to the cemetery to meet his father and to put flowers on Punk's grave.

I drive up the gravel lane and park beside the cherry tree that Punk is buried under. The tree is starting to open its blossoms and I know that in a week, it will be a beautiful sight to behold.

I place Philip, who is in his car seat next to Punk's head stone, unbuckle and take him out of his seat. "Hi Punk. I came to introduce someone to you. This is our son Philip. I named him after you because he looks just like you. I miss you so much, but I'm living just like you wanted me to. I don't think I would have been able to do it without you leaving me the ability to have Philip. He has filled my life with so much happiness, but I still wish you were here to share this with me.

All of a sudden, I smelled Punk's scent. There was no mistaking that scent. I knew he was here with me. "God! I love you so much Phil! My heart is still in pieces. I'm just waiting for time to pass, waiting on Philip to grow up and make a life for himself, and waiting until I can be with you again." I started crying and I held Philip to my chest tightly. I felt the sensation of fingers running through my hair, just like Punk use to do. I knew that he was trying to comfort me and that helped me stop crying.

I wiped my tears away and got up when the fingers vanished from my hair. I placed Philip in his seat and locked it into the base that was in my car. I turned around and faced Punk's head stone.

"I'm just waiting on time to pass so I can be with you again. You've given me enough to keep me going until we meet again, but I still would rather be with you." The wind swirled around me like it was hugging me. I smelled Punk again. I savored the feeling of Punk hugging me the only way he could. "I love you, Philip Jack Brooks- Cena. I'm waiting for you."

John had to wait 50 more years until he was able to see Punk again, but he used that time for good. He watched Philip grow up and have children of his own and watched his and Punk's grandchildren grow into successful adults. Jack, Philip's youngest son went into the WWE and worked for Vince's grandson.

John helped to design and build a hospital for cancer patients who couldn't afford care and thousands of lives were saved.

Phil came to get John when his time had come.

I was asleep and dreaming about Punk. I was young again and he was in my arms. He suddenly turned to face me and said, "John, it's time to go. Come with me." He pushed out of my arms, turned to face me, and held his hand out. I took his hand and he led me into a tunnel and toward a bright light. I know where we are going and I'm ready to pass the rest of time with Punk nestled firmly in both my heart and my arms.

Yea, I don't know where this came from. I usually don't even read death fics, but here I've written one. I'm not going to lie, I cried like a baby writing this thing, but I'm glad it's off my chest now. Hope you enjoyed it and I didn't make you cry too much! Please tell me what you think!

HeartDeNijs