Chapter 1

There are some things in life I know are true. The sun still shines on rainy days, even if it is hidden behind the clouds, the wind exists even though you can't see it, and trees make noise when they fall, even when no one is around to hear them. However, there are even more things in life I don't know. I don't know where I'll be in ten years, I don't know if I'll ever have kids and settle down like a good Burg wife, and I don't know if I'm going to live past this moment.

My name is Stephanie Plum and I'm a Bond Enforcement Agent for my cousin, Vincent Plum. I've been working this job for a few years now and I've learned some tricks to help me have more success, but the truth is, I'm just lucky. If it weren't for luck, I'd probably be the world's worst BEA. Well, truth be told, I am the world's worst BEA, but my luck usually outweighs my lack of skill.

I used to do this job solo, but now I have a partner named Lula. Lula is a former 'ho, two inches shorter than my five foot seven inch frame, and about ninety pounds heavier. She frequently dyes her hair various neon colors, wears tight spandex clothing, and has skin the color of a Hershey bar. I have shoulder length brown curly hair, blue eyes, and most of the time I can button up my jeans without any fat rolls hanging over the top. Luckily for me, my jeans were actually on the loose side this morning.

Lula and I like to think of ourselves like Starsky and Hutch when we're working, but the reality is that we're more like Lucy and Ethel. Yesterday we'd taken in a skip who'd been arrested on domestic violence charges. I got a phone call from Connie at the Bonds office this morning that the offender, Bernie Belfiore, was rebonded. Unfortunately, his first order of business was to get revenge on me. This is the sort of thing that stresses me out about my job, and when I get stressed out, I eat. My favorite food is birthday cake and I eat a lot of it when I'm worried, when I'm happy, or whenever I'm awake. Needless to say, I regularly eat a lot of birthday cake.

I was standing in the kitchen of my small, one bedroom, no flairs apartment and ripping into a Tastykakes package when my apartment door opened and a tall, muscular Cuban American man entered. He was chiseled perfection of mocha skin tone, dark chocolate eyes, and black hair pulled back into a pony tail. He wore black cargo pants tucked into Bates boots and a black T-Shirt which clung to him like a second skin. He stared at me for a beat and the corners of his mouth tilted upward a fraction.

This would be Ranger. Tall, dark, and mysterious Ranger. He was my mentor, friend, personal body guard, at times, and one time lover. Ranger had once told me he loved me, which was great; but then he'd added that it was in his own way. It was fine, since I loved him in my own way, too. It just so happened that my love bordered on obsession for the man. We had one exquisite night together and discovered the strength of the chemistry we had to be explosive. Since then, I've been terrified of what he could do to me if I let him. To prove my point, he'd gotten up and walked out the morning after and had never been in my bed since; well, at least for sex, anyway.

"Babe," he said while his feet moved soundlessly across my foyer to the kitchen. He slid his arms around my waist and hugged me to him in a warm embrace. This was the other problem. Whenever he touched me, I felt my body go all squishy in all the right, or maybe wrong, places. His eyes took in the processed, sugary treat in my hands. "Stressed?"

"Oh no. Not me. I have no reason to stress, other than Mr. Maniac Belfiore is out to get me." I looked down to open my Tastycake and found it to be missing, but there were crumbs were on my shirt. "Shit. Did I just eat that cake or did you take it away?"

My question got me a small smile. Geez! I got weak in the knees when he flashed his grin at me. He shook his head ever so slightly. "You're a train wreck with the sweets, Babe." He pressed a kiss to my temple and said, "Just checking in, heard about Belfiore."

I nodded. "Not much new around here, just another stalker."

"You could always come stay with me." His small smile turned lecherous and I felt a zippity all the way to my doo-dah.

I shook my head and he released me after a small peck to my cheek. "You want me to take care of him for you?"

I could never quite figure out if Ranger was serious when he asked me those types of questions. I was also never quite sure if I wanted to know whether or not he was serious.

"I appreciate the offer, but I think this will just blow over. He's angry now, but as soon as his wife lets him back in he'll forget about me and go back to doing what he does best, unfortunately." I grabbed a beer from my fridge and took a swig to wet my throat. I always seemed to be parched when Ranger was around.

Ranger walked back to my front door and then turned to give me a stoic look. "I hope she doesn't let him back in for her sake. The man needs to be taught a good lesson about how to respect others, especially women." He opened my apartment door. "Come see me at Rangeman later. I have a project and need your help." And he was gone.

I walked over to my door and opened it to see if there was smoke in the hallway where he'd vanished and almost ran into Joe Morelli. As if I wasn't already on sensory overload from Ranger's visit, here stands Morelli, the other sexy man in my life. Morelli is just over six feet of lean Italian muscle. He is movie star handsome, with a great body, almost black curly hair and chocolate brown eyes.

Morelli had been in and out of my life periodically since I was six years old. As a teen, he was a wild and uncontrolled troublemaker who had talked me out of my virginity when I was sixteen one day behind the counter at Tasty Pastry, where I worked after school. As adults, we have a relationship normally described by the phrase "on again, off again" and, currently, we were off again. Morelli hated my involvement with Ranger and his company, Rangeman. He didn't trust Ranger and I wasn't ready to kick him out of my life, so Morelli and I had come to an impasse. This time, I wasn't sure we would be able to get past it, especially since it involved me making all of the sacrifices.

"Oh!" I yelled out. Mr. Wolesky across the hall from me opened his door and looked out. When he saw Morelli, he shut his door again. "I almost didn't see you." I glanced out into the hallway. No smoke, no Ranger.

"Looking for someone?" He asked, his eyes hard and mouth set in a thin line, face devoid of emotion. His cop face. This wasn't good. My heart ached at the thought of losing him from my life, but I didn't see how it was fair for me to give up my friends and a job I liked to do just because he didn't like them. Well, I don't always like my job and I know I'm not great at it, but it's what I have available and I have this obsession with being in the center of the action.

My eyes searched his face for a moment, maybe memorizing it for when the inevitable happened.

"Just doing a security check." I had no idea if he and Ranger had run into each other. I wasn't sure I even wanted to know. "What's up?"

"Tina Belfiore showed up in the Delaware this morning, face down." His voice was grave.

I gasped. "Bernie?"

"We don't know for sure, but it looks like his work." A muscle worked in his jaw.

I felt strong remorse for Tina. I'd gone to school with her, but back then she had been Tina Petrucelli. I hadn't known her very well. I was a baton twirler in the marching band, she was a science geek. Her death hit close to home since she was my age and the death was most likely tragic and gruesome. Maybe also a teeny bit because her husband was the likely suspect and he'd already claimed my death was eminent.

"There's something you're not saying." I knew Morelli and I knew when he wasn't talking. He was staring at me with that damn muscle twitch in his jaw.

He stepped into the apartment and closed the door. "We're not broadcasting this, but she was brutalized sexually with a sharp object and her breasts were removed."

I saw black spots creep into my vision and the room started to spin. "R-removed?"

"Geez." Morelli pulled me to the couch and sat me down with my face between my knees. He waited until I was sitting up and breathing normally before asking, "Do you want to know the rest?"

"Yes." No.

"They were removed with broken glass. Best guess right now is a broken bottle." He was silent for a few moments while his hand rubbed over the back of my neck and down my back.

I took a few deep breaths and sat up to look at him when I was sure the taste of bile was gone from my mouth. "That's terrible," I whispered.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Maybe you should take a break for a while." He felt my back stiffen. "I'm not saying quit right now, just take a break until this one is cleared up." He leaned in to nuzzle my neck. "I like your body parts where they are."

Guilt washed over me. He was stressed by this case, my job gave him ulcers. "I wish I could. Vinnie's going nuts right now. We have more skips than we can handle and he needs everyone on deck."

Morelli sighed. "See, this is why we can't be together. The guy who probably did this is loose and has plans to hand the same fate over to you and you're still going to go out and chase your skips."

"It's my job," I said softly, my heart heavy.

"Get a different job." He rose and shoved his hands into his jeans pockets.

"Why should I have to get a different job? Why do I have to give up everything to make you happy before you'll be with me?" I stood up, anger running through my veins. "Did it ever occur to you that you're asking me to give up everything I am just to be with you? What would you give up?"

Joe stared at me for a moment, the muscles in his jaw working furiously. He was dead calm. "Tina was also missing her hands and feet. You'd better be careful when you go out. Belfiore is pissed and wants revenge."

My ears started to ring and my lungs hurt with the effort to keep breathing evenly. "Thanks, I'll keep it under advisement."

He shook his head and walked to the door. With a last look at me, he slipped out quietly, the second man to pull that trick today.

I sat down when he left, angry and worried. It seemed Joe and I were off, and probably for good. Maybe this was inevitable since Joe required me to change and he, as yet, didn't seem to be important enough to me to do it. The truth was, I didn't want to change. I liked my independence, my apartment, and the excitement of my job.

Okay, so it wasn't great sometimes, like now, but I got to choose my own hours and do other jobs on the side, such as working with Ranger. Oh boy, working with Ranger. Yep, there were definite benefits there.

When I arrived at the bonds office, Lula was busy on the couch filing her nails. Vinnie had hired Lula to file the paperwork in his office, but lately it seemed her nails were the only items being filed. Pair that together with her accompaniment when I chased down skips, and it lead to massive stacks of papers waiting for their proper file folder.

"Hey girlfriend," Lula said, standing. "We going to get someone today?"

I nodded. "I have to try to pick up Mike Luger today. He's my last outstanding skip." I pulled the file out of my bag and opened it. "Got caught stealing dogs, no one knows why."

"Girl, I don't even want to think about what he wants with no dogs," Lula said with a shudder. "You can count on me to help bring him in."

I mentally rolled my eyes. I could count on Lula to run away from the dogs. "Great. He should be getting home soon. He works the night shift at 7-Eleven." Wonderful. I'd have him in lock up in an hour and then I could head over to Rangeman.

We walked out the door and piled into my dark green Toyota Camry. It had two huge rust spots on the hood, no muffler, and a crack in the windshield from top to bottom, but it was also in my price range.

"I don't know how you think we're gonna sneak up on criminals in this noisy thing," Lula said, pulling a donut wrapped in a napkin out of her purse. "Being in your car makes me hungry."

"Every time we take your Firebird, you won't let me put my skips into it! We're taking my car so I can be sure I'll have a way to get them to the PD." I started the car and the noise started a buzz in my ears.

"Only if you actually catch him today," Lula said with a snort. "And I don't let you put them in my car 'cause they're always covered in some nasty shit. You got a way with criminals, and it's messy."

"Hey, I catch them well enough. I'm at 100% capture rate for two months now." I frowned at her. "And it's not my fault these crazy things happen. The skips usually run and trip me, or throw me into something to stop me from following them. I can't help it if I land in whatever happens to be around!"

"Girl, you're only at 100% because you're damn lucky and you get help from Ranger." Lula fanned herself with her hand. "I'd like to get him alone for an hour and give his hot body a couple of rounds." This was the way every woman felt about Ranger when they saw him. He looked like dessert on overkill and his smell was more intoxicating than 180 proof.

We pulled up to Luger's house just before ten, close up close behind a garbage truck idling on the street. The garbage men were walking the length of the block and to collect bags. "Unh. Do we have to park here?" Lula asked with her fingers clamped down on her nose. "This is one stinky ass garbage truck."

"I don't want Luger to see me when he pulls into his driveway. He should be here any minute." I watched the street and saw a silver Honda Civic pull into Luger's driveway five minutes later. "That's him. Let's go."

Lula followed me out of the car and we met him at his porch steps. He was sorting through the keys on his key ring for his front door key. "Mike Luger?" I asked.

"Yeah?" He looked up, glancing from me to Lula.

"Hi. My name is Stephanie Plum. I represent your bondsman, Vincent Plum. You missed your court date and I'd like to take you to the courthouse to reschedule." My standard line with FTAs.

"No way. I was saving those dogs. I'm not going to jail for being a decent person." He pushed past me and started up the steps.

"You won't go to jail, you'll probably just get community service," I said, following him. He reached the front door and shoved the key into the lock. "If you don't go, you'll make it worse and you will end up doing time." He cocked his head back toward me then. "If I don't take you in, someone else will." It was a line Ranger had said to me once and I'd learned it was true.

He paused and looked at me. "And I'll be able to come back home today?"

"Yes. I can call the office and have someone meet us there so you can get rebonded right away," I said and pulled out my cell phone to show him. Just then, the garbage truck started beeping repeatedly. We covered our ears and I looked back just in time to see the garbage truck backing into my car.

"Hey!" I yelled. Lula and I ran over to the truck and I banged on the driver's door with my fist. "Can't you look where you're going? You just smashed up the front of my car!"

The driver, a man in his mid-forties, looked confused and looked out the window behind the truck. "Geez! I didn't see your car there. You parked too close to the truck, lady."

I watched in horror as some orange innocuous goop fell from the truck onto the hood. Yeesh! I sighed and looked back at Luger. He shrugged and walked into his house. Looked like I was going to have to come get him another day. The garbage truck pulled forward and I groaned at the stinky, nasty substance dripping down my hood and splatting on the ground. The front of my car was completely crunched and liquid streamed out through the grill, leaking all over the ground.

"I don't know how this always happens to you!" Lula said with a shake of her head and a laugh. She slapped her thigh with her hand. "I've never seen anyone lose so many cars in my life!"

I put my head into my hand and considered using my gun on her ... or myself. This was my third car this month. My phone rang out the Batman Theme and I answered it. "Yes?"

"Babe," Ranger began, "your car blipped off my screen, you okay?"

"You didn't happen to have the GPS unit somewhere in the front of my car, did you?" I asked.

"Need to know info," Ranger said, but I could hear his smile. "Something happen?"

"A garbage truck backed into my car and smashed the front all to hell. He said I was too close to him." I was annoyed and hated having to admit another car failure to Ranger.

Ranger laughed softly. "I'll send Tank over with a car."

"No, I don't–" It was too late, he'd hung up. Ranger phone manners at their best.

Lula and I waited on Luger's porch steps for the police and Tank. When the blue and white showed up, Carl Costanza got out and grinned at me as he approached. "I don't know how you do it."

"I hate my life sometimes," I moaned. He laughed and wrote out the accident report.

Tank arrived about ten minutes later in Ranger's black Porsche Cayenne, followed by the black Rangeman SUV. All of Ranger's vehicles are black. I knocked on Luger's door. He answered and looked out at me. "You ready to go?"

His eyes settled on the Cayenne. "We going in that?"

"Yep."

"Okay, we can go, but I have to be home by four," he said while he stepped outside and turned to lock his front door.

"You should be back in about an hour," I said, leading him to the Cayenne.

Tank stepped out and handed me the keys and said, "Ranger says to try not to blow this one up." He walked to the SUV and climbed into the driver's seat.

We all climbed into the Cayenne and Morelli pulled up alongside the car, his mouth in a grim line. "Nice car."

"Thanks. Gotta go, have a skip to deliver." I shut my door and reversed past him, swung around, and took off. I wasn't in the mood for his mood. I looked in the rearview window and saw him sauntering toward Carl, hands on his hips as he stared after me.

"He didn't look happy," Lula said, staring at him in the side view mirror. "But he is still so damn fine."

"I thought you wanted Ranger," I stated, getting grumpier by the minute.

"Yeah, well, both of them, either of them. Long as I got my hands on at least one of them," Lula said.

"Make up your mind," I said as I depressed the brake to stop at a red light. I was angry with her, but couldn't identify exactly why.

"I think you should take your own advice, girlfriend." Damn it, she had a point