A/N: AND SHE'S BACK! xD Instead of writing my essay, I decided to "Fuck It" and write this instead. I haven't written Resident Evil in a while, so I'm glad I got to write this! It's of course, Cleon, cause seriously, where else to the random-procrastination-induced-plot-bunnies lead? Hehe. So here we are again! Please read, review, and most importantly, ENJOY!
Claire Redfield liked cherries. And strawberries. And apples. But not pears. Too passive. But she did like coconuts and peaches. Mangoes too. And a certain blonde secret agent named Leon. Yeah, she liked him a little more, but just a little, than all of her fruits.
Anyways, whenever Claire had a craving, and she often did for some odd random food, usually a red or pink color, she would simply run across the street to the old Romanian couple's grocery store and pick up whatever she wanted; the couple was so used to these late night escapades that they had extended the store hours by just one more, as not to have to deal with a very grouchy and complaining Redfield on her next trip there on the usual hours.
BUT.
Claire Redfield had a problem. The Romanian grocery store always had wanted she wanted, from chocolate bars from Germany to 100-calorie packs of white chocolate covered cherries. However, they did not have the ability to assuage her most important and dire craving. The undeniable, irrevocable, completely utterly annoying desire for a certain aforementioned secret agent with weird hair.
So Claire, facing the rather odd dilemma of having no means of soothing her craving, which was currently burning an acidic hole into her stomach, decided to go with the best plan of action:
Mope and wait for him to call. And eat a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's simply amazing, wonderful, incredible tasting and fattening Cherry Garcia; that most certainly went straight to her thighs.
Screw her thighs, she had moping to do.
However, after the third day of watching Spanish soap operas and infomercials, she decided to elegantly 'Fuck It' and find that stupid emo-hair-cut-wearing-son-of-bitch before she went insane.
Again, another rather irritating problem. How the hell was she supposed to find him?
Back to the Cherry Garcia. Oops. Finished that; looks like she would have to deal with second best of Strawber-
Who the hell dared to interrupt her moping! Damn them, Claire would make hell for whoever dared to ring her doorbell at such an unreasonable hour of four o'clock in the afternoon!
Claire, yet again hit by an ingenious idea, decided to simply not open the door and let whatever bastard it was to wait for an hour and then give up like his or her pitiful self should. Serves that asshole right for disturbing her wonderfully fattening delicious incredible feast of various ice creams.
Wait, what? Her Strawberry Cheesecake carton was empty. Empty. EMPTY!
Claire, needless to say, was not happy. At all. She wanted that ice cream no matter how pathetic it was compared to Cherry Garcia, she needed it. For no good reason she needed that ice cream and she needed it now.
Off to the Romanian grocery store she went.
Smashing and crashing her way out the door, she screamed in the elevator when she realized she had forgotten her wallet.
She finally made it into the store twenty-five minutes after she had left, a rather annoying set of unfortunate events furthering delaying her quest for ice cream of utter awesomeness. Then, without further ado, she darted with the mindset of a madman but the pace of a composed lovely mature 28-year-old woman who was definitely not currently cursing in eight different languages to the ice cream section.
She would not cry.
She would not cry.
Not even a single teensy, weensy, tiny little tear would see the light of day on her face.
It wasn't there. They didn't have her precious, her beautiful, her simply spectacularly wonderful Strawberry Cheesecake Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
Claire sniffled a little.
She didn't cry; she sniffled! It didn't count, damnit!
They of course had everything:
Triple Caramel Chunk (Triple Caramel, one was nasty enough, why did they need three?)
Half Baked (She loved raw cookie dough to death, but not in ice cream, it was SACRILAGE to put it ice cream.)
Pistachio Pistachio (She hates nuts. Hates them.)
Imagine Whirled Peace (No she can't. It's kinda hard to after Raccoon City. That name always bothered her.)
Cherry Garcia (She wants Strawberry Cheesecake damn it! No matter how delicious, yum- she wants Strawberry Cheesecake! She would not lose!)
Everything But The… (She hated the world. She hated the world with its lack of Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream, with its lack of loyal secret agents, with its lack of happily ever after and it completely overrated absolutely agonizing irony. She really did hate the world.)
Sobbing quietly in the back of her depressed (insane) mind, the defeated Claire Redfield made her way to the cash register, toting a gloating hideous, awful-compared-to-Strawberry-Cheesecake Cherry Garcia in her basket.
Damn you world.
She shuffled up the line, staring at her feet miserably, thinking of all the way she could take her anger out on a certain evil bastard with red eyes. Personally, she thought chopping off every single finger and toe, then each leg and arm and then frying him alive in a giant frying pan would be good enough, but Chris vehemently disagreed. Only death by being eaten slowly by millions of fleas infested with Lyme disease would be good enough. And then we burn him alive with all of his little friends, Jill had added enthusiastically; being particularly fond of that form of tor-
Claire Redfield was promptly ripped away from her musings when a hand patted her shoulder and she unconsciously turned to her assaulter, ready to deal with whatever shit the world had decided to throw at her now.
"Looking for this?" A deep voice chuckled, blonde hair swept in front of his blue eyes, a small smile plastered across his handsome face.
There it was. The last holy container of Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake firmly held in his grip. His grip.
"I came over earlier, but figured you weren't in when you didn't answer, so I decided to pick up a pint of it to-"
God shut up. Let her enjoy the moment, damnit!
After all, she always preferred the taste of Leon S. Kennedy to that second-rate lame ass worthless pathetic ice cream.
A/N2: Well, I hope you enjoyed! I really love writing in this style, it's always really fun. Ben & Jerry's is the best! And now, A HUGE ASS SHOUT OUT TO:
AWESOMENESS INCARNATE I love her. REALLY. SHE IS MY BETA AND SHE IS MY SAVIOR. She spent an hour on this. I suck so unbelivably bad with gramar, VERB TENSE and other tsuff, so thank you dude for being true to your name! (Shameless ad: You like Naruto? Dig her story. :D)
Anyways, thanks for reading and I hope you liked it! Please review, it encourages me to write more! Till next time!