Title: Ashamed
Author: Elizabeth Goode
Part: I
Disclaimer: No money was made from this fanfiction. I am poor. Don't sue me, or I'll cry.
Description: Post-Pariah fic, Clark angst, Kent family support

Clark couldn't focus on anything. Nothing except throwing the ball at the wall of the loft, and catching it again. The steady rhythm of the ball was like a heartbeat ... something Alicia didn't have anymore. He felt a fresh wave of sadness, but did not stop throwing the ball. The feeling of loss was more than he could bear. He didn't want to eat, sleep, or even leave the loft. He didn't want to see anyone - he wasn't sure he would be able to stop crying once he started.

Alicia had known his secret. She had not betrayed him, but he had betrayed her. His disbelief had endangered her life, and that life had been taken away from her forever. All he had to do was go with her to the Sheriff's office, explain that he, too, had abilities. He had refused, and Alicia had paid the price. What kind of person did that make him?

He had seen the way everyone had stopped and stared when he had entered the Talon with Alicia. That was one of the things that hurt the most. People knew her secret, and they hated her for it. He had seen the look on Lana's face when she caught sight of Alicia. Chloe's refusal to help had hurt, and on top of that, his parents' recriminations about his spending time with Alicia had hurt as well. Did no one believe in second chances? Had it occurred to no one that Alicia had paid for her crimes and received treatment for her mental illness?

Just the thought of seeing her body hanging there like that made him feel ill. He could still remember how her body had still been warm when he found her, but when he had touched her hand as she lay in the coffin, it had been so cold ...

It all boiled down to one thing for Clark: if he had been there, Alicia would still be alive today. If he had not been more concerned about what his parents would think, what his friends would think of him, he might have gone to the Sheriff with her and prevented this tragedy. Briefly, Clark thought of Alicia's parents - had they ever believed their daughter had changed? Were they secretly relieved that she was gone? Worse, would his own parents feel the same if Clark died? Would they mourn him, only to relish their freedom from the network of secrets and lies that had been intact since his arrival during the meteor shower?

That was a question he doubted he would ever have the courage to ask. He could hear his parents coming out the house, heading for the barn. It was inevitable that he would have to talk to them eventually, but he didn't feel up to it. Truthfully, he was a little bit angry with them for instilling in him the importance of keeping his secret. Did they truly want him to keep the secret to protect him, or was it because they were ashamed of him? Forcing such thoughts aside, he tried to steel himself to answer their questions.