How many times had he paced this room now? Twenty, fifty times? It didn't matter how many times his eyes sought for ways to escape; the only way out was the iron door at the end of the room. It was guarded at all times, and had currently only opened to allow in two visitors - Ben and Juliet.
The former was manipulative. No doubt about that. Jack knew that Ben was not to be trusted at any cost. And Juliet? Well, she was to be trusted even less. The woman was a tool of Ben's. No matter that she brought warm meals to him, spoke calmly to him. It wasn't going to work.
Returning to his place at the far wall, Jack exhaled as he sat down on the floor. Hands rested on propped up knees as the doctor's brown eyes lifted to the ceiling.
Hours had passed, one after the other. The doctor's mind was reeling. His thoughts kept flickering to plans of escape, Kate's (and even Sawyer's) welfare, the rest of the group back at the beach and even thoughts of home.
Home.
A puff of laughter made its way from Jack's throat.
How would his mother react to the news that he had lost his father's body? Worse yet - she wasn't yet aware her husband was dead! And Sarah. Would she be happy to see him when he returned? Would she come back to him, express how sorry she was for ever leaving him?
Doubtful.
Another sigh. Jack rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger. He stared at the floor.
Would Allison have missed him?
Since the crash, his mind had constantly trailed back to thoughts of her. Kate reminded him so much of that other woman that it frightened him. When she, Kate, had suddenly kissed him while they were in the jungle, flashes of Allison had swam behind his eyes, making him feel all the more guilty when Kate had run from him.
Why had he let that woman walk out of his life like that? He'd yelled at her. He'd gotten angry with her. And for what?
Because of his father.
Jack felt his jaw clench just thinking about that man.
In the winding down hours I let your heart down again.
"What's the status?" The words made it out of his mouth before Jack was even fully in the operating room. He jammed the green cap on his head and thrust his hands into the gloves as the nurse offered them to him.
He'd been paged just as he d been finishing up another surgery, and hurried down as soon as he could. If his father was paging him to assist with a surgery, it must've been serious.
And it was, for Allison, the newly hired intern, and several attending nurses were huddled around Doctor Christian Shephard and the patient Jack immediately recognized as Doctor Cameron's husband.
"BP's dropping steadily," Cameron answered.
A quick glance at the intern's face told Jack that she was trying the best she could not to break down and cry. He approached the operating table.
What did I do to make a scene so gory?
I m no better than the ones before me.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Christian, eyes glued to his son's face, removed the mask from his own. "Time of death, eight fifty-seven," he said.
Exhausted, Jack turned from the body of Allison's dead husband, removing his hat as he pressed his palms against the coolness of the wall. In the background the man could hear his friend sobbing, and his heart broke for her. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms and hold her, tell her how sorry he was, alleviate her pain.
But he couldn't bring himself to do that. Jack pressed his forehead against the wall, willing himself to get control of his emotions, willing himself to look his father and Allison in the eye.
"Jack." Christian was speaking again. "Jack, it wasn't your fault. He would have died either way."
Shaking his head, he could almost hear his father saying, You don't have what it takes, in his head. Christian was blaming him for this; there was no need for it to be said aloud.
Cameron's sobs had increased, appeasing Jack's hostility toward his father for that moment.
Swift footsteps and the rustle of the scrubs made Jack lift his head up to investigate the noise. Brown eyes were just in time to see Cameron exiting the room.
Christian paused Jack's movements with a hand on his shoulder. "Let her go. She needs time to mourn the death of her husband."
The slightest emphasis was placed on the word husband, causing new anger to flare inside Jack's heart. He knew what his father was implying - and hated him for it. Without a word, Jack pushed past the older man and headed out into the corridor.
*****
"Doctor Cameron. Allison!"
The brunette whirled on the stairs, her tears streaming freely down her cheeks.
"What, Jack?"
Breathless, Jack slowed to a walk and took a step down onto the stairs, nearer to the other doctor. He shook his head. "You shouldn't be alone right now."
Blue eyes stared up at him, glanced away, glanced back. "I'll be fine. I just - need some air. I need to be by myself for a while."
"I'm sorry I couldn't save him."
Cameron held up a hand. "He's dead. He was already dying. It's not your fault. If anything... If anything you ended his suffering." She swallowed hard, raising a hand to her mouth as she turned from him and hurried down the stairs.
Jack watched her go, watched her disappear out into the dark night. He sighed and leaned his back against the wall.
*****
Old habits die hard
I always end up hating the end
Allison entered the dimly lit bar. Cigar smoke invaded her senses, and for a moment all she could do was stand there and cough and try to waft the smoke out of her face.
When she ducked past a table crowded with rowdy men, Allison could see the back profile of her friend. She sidled over and tapped him on the shoulder. "Your dad said I'd find you here", the woman said when Jack glanced up at her. She settled herself on the stool next to his.
When Jack returned his attention to his drink without responding, Allison went on; "I've been looking for you for hours, Jack. How long have you been here?"
"Hours", he replied with irony, taking another sip.
Blue eyes followed Jack's hand as he placed the empty glass back on the counter with a thick clunk.
"How much have you had to drink?" She asked, concerned.
"I lost count after my third glass," was Jack's reply.
Allison opened her mouth, tried to think of something to say, closed her mouth again, and simply stared at her friend. The man was clearly drunk, and it took all of her resolve not to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. He'd been acting so coldly toward her for the past couple days, and she couldn't fathom why he would be acting so.
"Jack, don't you have to work tomorrow? You're not gonna be able to sleep this off by then." The woman held her breath; hopefully he wasn't beyond reasoning.
Jack lifted his head from its perch on his fingers when the bartender sauntered over.
"Nother refill, buddy?"
Jack gave a nod and nudged the empty glass toward the other man. "Hit me, Jerry."
Jerry obliged, then looked at Allison. "How bout you?"
The brunette woman shook her head. "Nothing for me, thanks."
The bartender shrugged with his eyebrows and wandered away to refill another poor sop's drink.
Mouth agape once more, Allison watched the bartender leave, shocked that he could be so apathetic toward people who were obviously suffering. Speaking of which, she pulled her attention back to her friend. The man still hadn't answered her, and she suddenly felt angry at him.
"Jack!" The exclamation was emphasized by the sound of her hand slamming down on the cool black marble of the counter. Not that it did any good; Jack acted as though he hadn't even heard her outburst. She continued to watch him for a few minutes, blue eyes trailing the movement of his hand from the full glass of bourbon to his forehead.
Finally he answered: "I started my vacation this morning."
Doctor Cameron frowned. "What? Why? I thought you weren't taking your vacation for another three months."
"Yeah, well, plans change." The man's tone was unusually sharp, and made Allison's frown deepen; he'd never taken that tone with her before.
"What's wrong?" She asked him. "Talk to me. Please."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"I know there's something bothering you. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something to offend you? If I did, I'm sorry. If you.d just tell me--"
"Drop it, Allison!" For the first time since she sat down, Jack looked at her, his brown eyes burning with intoxicated fury.
Allison slammed both hands down on the counter as she sprang to her feet. "Fine!" Her voice, though not loud enough to be heard over the entire room, was loud enough to catch the attention of those seated nearby. Not that she cared.
I'm in the middle of a breakdown
Watching you scream
In the middle of a breakdown
Screaming at me
"Enjoy your vacation, Jack." At least she managed to keep her voice quiet, although it wasn't much of an improvement over the cold ferocity now simmering beneath every word.
Jack watched her go, countless emotions fighting for control in his expression. But instead of going after her like he knew he should, the doctor simply turned back toward the bar and picked up his drink.
And by the way
By the way
What made you think you'd have it your way?
Hours passed before Jack left the counter, and only then it was because of his complaining bladder. He managed to make it to the men's room in time, and after relieving himself Jack made his unsteady way back out into the bar. Bloodshot eyes scanned the dimly lit, smoke-filled room. His hand dug into the pocket of his slacks, searching for his car keys. He was too drunk to drive, that much he knew.
And by the way
By the way
Don t say I didn't warn you
That I'll always stay the same
Jack Shephard spent the night in the backseat of his car, trying to sleep off the inevitable hangover that was already beginning to attack his head.
*****
"You can ignore me all you want, but eventually you're going to have to say something."
Brown eyes flickered to Juliet's face on the other side of the glass.
"I've got nothing to say to you."
The blonde woman simply smiled that infuriatingly calm smile. "Well, that's too bad, but really not surprising. I know you have a history of being distant with people."
Jack merely stared, his expression impassive.
Lowering her gaze, Juliet flipped open the manila envelope that housed Jack s file. She began to read: "On May eighth of 1997, Doctor Christian Shephard hired an intern by the name of Allison Cameron. You worked alongside her for--"
"Sixteen months, until out of the blue she took a job in New Jersey." Ben had entered the room as Juliet spoke, finishing her sentence. He came to stand at the glass and peered in at his prisoner.
Jack's lip curled in anger, but he kept his tone calm. "And what does she have to do with anything?" Bluffing, of course. They couldn't possibly know about his hidden feelings for Allison. Could they?
His eyes tracked Ben's movements as the man walked over to the television and picked up the remote that was sitting on top. "Oh, I think it has a lot to do with you, Jack," said the leader of the Others, glancing at the doctor before pointing the remote at the television and turning it on.
Before him was a hospital room on the small screen. It certainly wasn't any room he had visited at St. Sebastian's, which made him curious as to where this scene was actually taking place. A news crew had crowded into the small room. From this distance Jack couldn't tell what the news story was about, but it was obviously something concerning a male patient.
The camera pulled back for a wider shot, and the instant one of the doctor's came into view, Jack felt his heart skip a beat, which sent a chill down his spine. His attempt to feign indifference came to a crashing halt.
It was Allison.
Unaware of his movements, Jack rose from his place at the opposite side of the room and approached the glass. He watched as the patient began to seize, and Allison and two other doctors began alternately trying to help the man and chase the camera crew out of the room.
Seconds later, the screen went snowy, and Ben switched the television off. He turned back to Jack, obviously pleased by the surgeon's response. "Bring back any memories?" He drawled.
But Jack wasn't listening.
*****
Speechless and frozen
Uncomfortable silence again
There was no way he could enjoy his vacation after the way he had treated Allison. The guilt of hurting her had weighed just as heavily as the hangover, and with the latter having passed, Jack hoped to make amends for the former.
Which was how he found himself outside Doctor Cameron's apartment, fiddling distractedly with his tie.
After several minutes of delay due to his battling emotions (anger, jealousy and regret being among the top), Jack finally managed to raise his hand and knock sharply on the door. His eyes shifted unconsciously from the door to its knob as he listened to the muffled sounds of footsteps coming from within.
The scrape of the lock being removed, then the metallic click as the door was pulled open. Jack's expression relaxed as his eyes rested on his colleague.
"Jack," the woman said, surprised.
The man managed a small, strained smile. "Hi."
"What're you doing here?"
That made him frown, but not as though he were annoyed with her. He stammered, "I, uh."
Allison took pity on him and pulled the door open wider. "Did you wanna come in?"
"Yeah. Okay." He stepped in past her, and she closed the door behind him.
"Would you," she hesitated, "like a drink or something?"
Jack turned to meet her gaze. "No," he replied, guiltily. "Thanks. I'd like to just get to the point." He paused and ducked his head, before forcing himself to look at the woman again. "I, uh I just I wanted to apologize for last night."
Allison stared at him for a moment, then seemed to realize she was doing so, and shook her head. "Apology accepted. I'm sure you just had a lot on your mind."
He nodded, his gaze once again lowering to the floor.
Silence fell upon the pair, both of them at a loss for what to say to one another. So many unspoken comments floated in the air around them, but neither had the courage to speak.
Jack wanted to tell her how he felt, how much the sight and even the thought of Allison with his father was tearing him up inside. Christian Shephard was more than twice the woman s age, for God's sake! What did she even see in him, anyway?
Allison wet her dried lips, blue eyes gazing curiously at her friend. She wanted to ask him what was really wrong, but was afraid he would get angry with her again. Things had never been so awkward between the two of them, and it made her heart hurt. Up until recently, Jack had been an amazing friend. He'd supported her through the death of her husband and she was truly grateful to him for all that he had done for her, and also hated the possibility that she might be losing such a good friend.
At length, the spinal surgeon inhaled deeply. "Well, I should be going; I'm meeting someone for dinner."
The sudden sound of Jack's voice made Allison's eyebrows raise. For reasons she wasn't sure of, her heart began to beat faster, the sound echoing through her head. He had a date?
She heard her own voice reply, "Right. I guess I'll see you next week?"
A nod and a forced smile in response. "Sure."
He let himself out, leaving the brunette woman to stare after him, frozen in place, lacking the nerve to go after him and tell him how she really felt. It didn't matter now, though. He was apparently dating someone else; it was too late.
*****
Ben's eyebrows rose. "I'll take that as a yes."
Jack focused on Ben's face, however, his mind was registering nothing of what the other man was saying. Still lost in his thoughts, Jack walked slowly over to the table and sat down, his back to the Others. He only half-listened as Juliet read through some more information.
"At Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, Doctor Cameron held the position of an intern until 2001, when she applied and was hired as a member of Doctor Gregory House's Differential Diagnosis team. She became the team's Immunologist, and maintains a sexual relationship with fellow teammate Robert Chase." Juliet concluded her reading, then lifted blue eyes back to Jack.
"It would seem Doctor Cameron has been most productive since leaving her internship at St. Sebastian's," Ben commented. "Juliet, does the file say why she left?" His tone gave proof that he already knew what the answer would be.
"No. It doesn't."
*****
A knock on the door brought the spinal surgeon's attention away from the file he had been scanning.
"Come in."
Allison pushed the door open, blue eyes scanning the room to make sure he was alone. Stepping inside, she closed the door behind her and crossed the room, the tail of her white coat billowing behind her. As soon as she reached Jack's desk, Allison clasped her hands in front of her and bobbed her head in a silent greeting.
With a professional air, Jack closed the folder and slid the file to one side. He leaned back in his leather chair and crossed his right leg over the other.
When the woman didn't speak, Jack took the initiative. "There something I can do for you, Doctor Cameron?"
Allison inhaled a deep breath through her nostrils, irked at hearing the formal title from her friend. "I've just come to inform you that I've been offered an internship at another hospital."
That surprised him. So much so, that he wasn't sure how to respond.
She continued on when he didn't. "I put in my two week's notice yesterday. I'll be leaving for New Jersey on the fifteenth of next month."
Lucky for Jack that he managed to keep his expression impassive. "New Jersey?"
"That's where the internship is," answered Allison, her voice as calm and quiet as the man's.
A long, slow nod, and Jack let his eyes rest on his desk. When he glanced back up, he said, "Well, at least you'll be far enough away from my father."
Shocked by this response, Allison's jaw dropped. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"You can stop pretending now, Allison, I know all about you and my father." For the first time, Jack let his anger show.
Doctor Cameron did, too. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Your affair with my father." His voice began to rise.
So did Allison's. "Affair? I've never had an affair, and it certainly wouldn't be with your father. The man's more than twice my age!"
"That's never stopped anyone before."
Allison glared at that. "How dare you accuse me of something like that, especially right after my husband died." Pause, then, "At least I know why you've been stalking me."
To that, Jack had no response. He wasn't about to admit that he might just be in the wrong. Jealousy had the upper hand right now, and it didn't seem likely to relinquish control just yet.
What Allison had said wasn't far from the truth; he had been spying on her. Every night that he had the opportunity, Jack would sit alone in his car in the hospital's parking lot (well away from the space that had his name tattooed on the sign hanging above it) and wait until he saw Allison exit the building and climb into her own vehicle and pull out of the lot. Then, keeping a discreet distance, Jack would follow her home. Only when he assured himself that she had gone there alone would Jack allow himself to return to his own place.
Never once did he see his father enter Doctor Cameron's apartment, but he knew the two must have some sort of liaison going on. Whenever he was around the pair, they acted so strangely, like they were trying to hide something. Grief must've done something terrible to Allison's morals, if she was having an affair with Christian Shephard.
There couldn't possibly be any doubt about it. Numerous nurses had reported to him over the past several months that his father and Allison were alone together in some room or another (usually Christian's office, which he suspiciously kept locked).
Now, her blatant lie and lack of an explanation gave Jack the last of the evidence he needed.
"I thought you were above spying on friends," said Allison. "But I guess I was wrong."
"If you haven't been having a secret relationship with my father, would you care to explain to me what the truth is?" He lifted his eyebrows expectantly.
That stumped her. She rested her hands on the back of the scarlet leather chair in front of Jack's desk, and lowered her eyes guiltily to the floor. When she lifted her gaze a few seconds later, the woman replied quietly, "It's... complicated."
Jack pursed his lips together and bit down sharply on the bottom one. His right foot lowered back to the floor as he straightened up and slid the manila envelope back toward him. Brown eyes flickered to Allison. "This conversation is over," he said with finality, before forcing his attention back to the papers.
Blinking, Allison also straightened up, watching Jack for a moment, then she turned and walked out of the room, resisting the urge to slam the door behind her.
Battered and bruised
Broken, confused
It's time we both knew
That evening, Jack Shephard confronted his father in the older man's office. His every muscle was quivering with suppressed rage as he glared at the man.
"Were you aware that Allison had accepted an internship in New Jersey?" He asked, doing his best to keep his tone even.
Christian peered over at his son from the book he had been poring through. Looking away again, the older man let the book close with a snap and slid it back on the shelf. "Doctor Cameron informed me yesterday that she had accepted a position somewhere else."
"Did you do something to make her want to leave?"
"I don't know what you me--"
Jack repeated sharply, "Did you do or say anything that would cause her to seek another job?"
Christian shook his head and sat down at his desk. "No, Jack, I didn't. Why are you getting so worked up about this? Doctor Cameron obviously wasn't pleased working here, so she applied for another job." A shrug, and added with a tone of voice that indicated it should be obvious, "It happens all the time, son."
Bobbing his head, the younger man obviously didn't believe a word of what his father was saying. "Most of those people don't usually take another job that's halfway across the country."
"Maybe she has family there."
"She doesn't have family there, Dad." Frustrated, Jack brushed his hand through his hair.
"Well, then maybe it was someone else on the staff. Maybe they were bothering her." His tone said enough; Christian was blaming Jack. Again.
"You didn't ask her? You didn't offer to find out who was bothering her? Didn't bother to remedy the situation?"
Christian rolled his eyes. "She wanted to leave, Jack. That's it; let it go."
"Were you sleeping with her?" At least he managed not to yell.
The older man stared at him for several heartbeats. Then, "I love your mother."
Jack's lip curled, his eyes raising to the ceiling. "Maybe. But that hasn't stopped you before." He looked at his father. "Has it, Dad?" Shaking his head, the younger Shephard didn't wait for a response. He had all the answers he needed.
He turned on his heel and left, slamming the door behind him and earning a few stares from patients and nurses out in the corridor.
*****
The next twelve days were the worst yet. Allison and Jack spoke few words to each other, and even then it was only necessary professionalism. Neither had been more miserable, nor were they eager to make amends. What was the use, anyway? After the fifteenth they'd never see each other again.
The evening of the fourteenth of September, Doctor Cameron's last day working at St. Sebastian's, she and Jack were both working the late shift. It was nearing ten o'clock, and Allison was just finishing up clearing out the tiny office she shared with two other doctors.
The woman sighed as she placed the last of her personal items, a silver-framed picture of her late husband, into her box. She sniffed and raised a hand to brush away the stray tears that had escaped her eyes. The past two months had been the worst ever for her.
It should have been obvious that her internship here was entirely based on how attractive she had been to the man who had hired her. Ever since the passing of her beloved husband, Christian had made it clear that he was attracted to her and was interested in taking their professional relationship to something much less professional.
Things had worsened when the older man, obviously drunk, had made a physical pass at her one night. She wasn't nearly strong enough to push the man away, and he had forced himself upon her, kissed her, held her in a vice-like grip that left her bruised for weeks.
Jack had suspected it all along. He'd known something was up, but he had no idea what the truth of the matter really was. He thought she was willingly sleeping with his father. How could Jack ever think her possible of something like that? She felt ashamed and angry.
But she couldn't tell him the truth. His job was now threatened because of her. Christian had said that if she had confessed to anyone what had happened between the two of them, he would frame his son. He would make his son out to be a drunkard, and unfit to be in the operating room. Christian would ve gotten his own son fired because of this whole mess.
So Allison kept her silence, kept refusing the older doctor's advances, until finally she had had enough. The woman started seeking another job, one that was as far away from Christian as she could get. A position in New Jersey had caught her eye, and luckily her accomplishments at this hospital got her in good with the staff at Princeton Plainsboro, and they offered her an interview. After that it was then a synch setting up a flight out to New Jersey. No matter that she had yet to officially claim the job. She simply had to get away from here.
Of course, Christian wasn't exactly pleased with this news. He argued with her over it. But she was the victor when she threatened to file a harassment case against him if he tried anything. It was the least she could do to protect Jack's career.
With a heavy sigh, Allison slung her purse over her shoulder, placed the cover over the box, and carried it out into the corridor. She said her goodbyes to the few nurses she had become friends with, then headed toward the elevator.
Blue eyes widened slightly when she saw who was already standing in the elevator. Jack stood within, staring out at her with a blank expression. He held the door as she sidled in with her box.
"Down?" He asked. She nodded, he pushed the button, and the elevator descended with its silent cargo.
Allison glanced over at him, but Jack refused to look at her. The soft music playing over the elevator's speakers did very little to alleviate the awkward silence being held between the pair.
Too soon the ride ended, and the woman stepped out of the elevator and headed toward the exit. Her footsteps were swift, but those pounding behind her were swifter, and before she even touched the glass doors, the sound of Jack's voice stopped her. Allison turned at the sound of her name.
"What?" She questioned, sighing exasperatedly.
White coat billowing, Jack came to a stop a few feet away from his former colleague. "You're not really leaving, are you?"
"I have a job waiting for me."
"You have a job here."
"Correction: I had a job here. I quit, remember?"
Jack shook his head. "Don't leave because of me."
"I'm not." At least not completely because of you. "It's a better job and closer to home. I miss my family, Jack. I'm sure you can understand that."
Knowing he had been defeated the moment he stepped from the elevator, Jack merely bobbed his head. Brown eyes stared back at the woman, a million things going unsaid.
"Good luck," he finally managed.
She sighed, disappointed, but forced a small smile and replied, "Thanks."
It was the last thing she ever said to him.
Can't stop what I started
This time we both lose
*****
Ben nodded for Juliet to leave. "We'll leave you to think things over," the man said to Jack, before letting the iron door close behind him.
Jack remained seated on the table, his eyes staring into the middle distance at the wall, his thoughts still turned inward at what he had given up.
I didn't warn you
That I'll always stay the same