Going After him.

Chapter 1: Realization

He's Gone!? He's Gone!? He's Gone?
That's all I said the first month after my life was shattered apart. Besides constantly repeating those words and two outbreaks of screaming when Charlie tried to ship me off to Jacksonville with Renee ( like I would stand for that. Like I could live somewhere sunny, somewhere like that would make it to hard to believe that he actually existed. And I had to know that, even if I ignored everything else. I could not ignore that, I had to know for the sake of the little bit of sanity that I had left that he really existed. That he was somewhere out there very much real.) I was pretty much in a catatonic state. I could not wrap my brain around what had happened. No matter how much I hurt I could not get myself to believe what took place that fateful date. We were happy right? I was and I thought he was. How could everything go from perfect to miserable so fast. I could not take it in, so I just shut down.

It has now been six months since I was finally forced to deal with everything and come out of my catatonic state. Although it has been six months I do not feel any better, healthier, saner. I might actually feel worse. Hell I don't know. I was forced to deal with the pain, no one would leave me alone. Constantly wanting me to talk to them or whatever it was that they wanted from me. I do not even recall anything that they were asking me or telling me. I was slowly starting to notice the environment around me and where I actually was. I could of been at the hospital all that time and would not of realized. But starting to notice where I was and what was around me was not good. Everything reminded me of HIM!!!!!! My bed which I was laying on. All it did was make me think about all the many nights we layed in this bed together while I slept. But most of all the first night he ever stayed here (with my permission that is). That night was the best night of my life and it hurt so damn bad to remember it. The computer where I spent a whole morning researching vampires. The Cd's stacked everywhere, all music would remind me of him now.

All my classic novels that I loved so much for their love stories, yep even those reminded me of him. Hell I could even smell him still. Not that it didn't smell fabulous cause it did; but knowing that the smell would slowly fade and I would never be able to replace it, to bring it back because I would never see HIM again hurt like you wouldn't believe. How someones smell could cause so much pain I have no idea, but it did. The smell though that's what really snapped me out of it. The smell, his smell man the pain was unbearable. Than all I could do was cry, I swear I sobbed for at least 24 hours. The pain was so much. I felt it in every particle of my body and soul, my whole being was alive with it. It was pure torture. I thought what I was feeling in my catatonic state was bad, huh I would gladly deal with that for 100 years rather than deal with this pain for another minute. That's when I became numb. Only one day of the realization and pain of the truth: HE'S GONE!!!! and my body and mind knew my mere mortal self could not handle anymore or I would die. How weak am I. I could not take anymore, I was just numb. I still felt miserable and hurt but nothing on the level that I was. It was like I was a zombie. I was there but I wasn't. Like my soul left my body to go where it belonged: with HIM. Like it knew we were not suppose to be separated.

I went back to school and work. I just went through the day, but at the end of the day I could not of told you one thing I did or one thing someone had said to me. I left no time for anything extra, no time to think.
I got up in the morning with exactly enough time allowable to get dressed eat and drive to school to make it to first period with no time to spare. The day went by with me in a daze. Went straight home unless I had to work. Did my homework , made Charlie dinner. I could not tell you one conversation we had in the past six months, took a shower, went to bed to wake up the next day and do the exact same thing over again. No time to waste, to spare, to think, to dwell on my shattered life or I was sure the numbness would go away. My whole existence (I can't say life, I have no life. It went with HIM.) was constant, the same thing everyday was what got me through. Even my dreams and thoughts or thought was constant. All I ever consciencely thought on my own was 2 words over and over again. HE'S GONE!!!!! I went from saying it constantly to just thinking it constantly.

Even if I was doing homework, cooking or working it was always there in my mind. It's the only thing I actually remember thinking, it hurt but it didn't hurt as bad as any other thoughts about him would of. My dream was the same one every night; me in the forest running and screaming never finding anything, and I would finally realize I was not going to find anything, there was nothing or no one to find anymore. That's when I would jump awake screaming into the still silent night. ALONE! HE WAS NOT HERE ANYMORE! I'D FOREVER BE ALONE NOW. And I had this dream every night. After the first month Charlie stopped running in here every night to see what was wrong.

Today though, today was different! It's been 7 months to the day that my world crashed. And something was different! I wasn't numb anymore, I woke up 5 hours ago and was in so much pain I couldn't breathe from the tears and sobs wracking my whole body. I thought I was gonna hyperventilate and pass out at first but it just keep coming and unfortunately I had stayed conscious for all of it so far. I have not even been able to move; not even a finger. I have been laying here sobbing for 5 hours. Just thinking and thinking. I can't stop; it all the memories, everything would not stop. They were flooding my brain. It seemed to be getting worse. It seemed like at first my mind was still trying to fight it but now it was like it gave up and my one thought I had for 7 months was now millions. Every thought, every kiss and every stolen moment. Everything was flowing non-stop in my head. I could no longer keep everything locked up in a private part of my brain. My subconscious saw to that; it finally dredged up all the things I have been pushing back and keeping hidden. But........... there was more to the crying and the pain. Not only was I crying because I was forced to picture his perfect beautiful face. Hear his perfect velvet voice. Remember all of them, all the Cullen's.

God, how I loved them. Every single one of them. Each and every one of them was a part of me. Even though they left me too they were still my family and very important to me. Didn't he or any of them realize that it wasn't just him leaving me it was all of them. Alice, Emmett, Esme, Carlisle, Jasper and Rosalie. I still don't think I can say his name. I now had to think about our time together. The best 8 months of my life (8 months was that really how long I had known him before he left, that was all. It felt like a century.) It was the best summer I ever had. Going to dinner, watching movies, him playing the piano for me, playing my lullaby and my favorite thing going to OUR meadow. Spending time with HIS family. How bad I had wanted them to be my family too!! OUR FAMILY!!! The day he left. The pain is slowly killing me I think. He doesn't love me! He doesn't want me! What did I do wrong, he said he'd love me forever.

All these things and more I had to think about and cry over. Plus the new things. The dream I had last night was not my normal consistent dream. It was about HIM and it is what took the numbness away. The dream I had of HIM was not a memory I had of him. And that hurt! Thinking of him out there living and coping while I could not even get out of bed. It's not that I want him unhappy or miserable. I love him to much for that. If I seen him like I am that would only make this pain worse. But it still hurt to see him going on with life. Without a second thought to me. To the life I yearned for. The life I thought we both wanted. But he did say he didn't want me or love me what was he suppose to do mourn someone he did not care for? It still hurt though, because I so desperately needed him still and wanted him still. How pathetic am I?
The next new thing that was helping cause all this pain was I think I knew where he was!

If he was living by where he was in the dream. And just that little bit of knowledge, just simply thinking I might actually know where he was living now hurt me so bad. The pain of it was damn near physical. Who would of knew or thought that little bit of info could be so painful so incapacitating. NOT ME!!!! I kept trying to tell myself it was just a dream. But something in the depths of my whole being told me I was right. That he, that they were there. The dream was so vivid, more like a memory or vision instead of a dream. Of all these things though that was causing me so much pain there was still one thing that was causing the most. I wanted to go after him. To go to him and yell at him and ask him what I did wrong. How could he just stop loving me. Why did he just up and leave like that, with no warning. I didn't even see it coming. Ask if he was done chasing his distractions. If he could come back. Love me again. Seriously how pathetic am I? But I don't care, I just don't work without him.

I'd acually like to smack him, but I'd probley just break my fingers or hell whole hand. You know, with him being like stone and all. With his long muscular perfect stone body. Like a Greek god, my own personnel Adonis. His perfect hard lips and perfect angular nose with that messy bronze hair I love to tangle my hands in. Those gorgeous topaz eyes and his long pale hands that feel so strong and cold when he touches my body......I need to stop, I'll pay with even more pain later for over thinking all that. I just keep getting more pathetic. Not only can I not even get out of bed and stop crying but just thinking about him has the same effect on me as he himself does in person. I am still dazzled. The way just thinking about him affects me (imagine if it was him and not just my thoughts) after all that has happened amazes me. And makes me question even more Why we aren't WE anymore. But of all that, I guess the real question here is if I am right and I do know where HE is. What should I do about it? Should I go after him or leave him alone?

I felt like a fool even considering about going after him. Didn't he plainly say he didn't want me anymore.

flashback

"Okay, Let's Talk."
"Bella we're leaving."
"Why now? Another year-"
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
"When you say we"
"I mean my family and myself."
"Okay, I'll come with you."
"You can't Bella. Where we are going... it's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me."
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"You're the very best part of my life."
"My world is not for you."
"What happened with Jasper, that was nothing Edward! NOTHING!!!"
"You're right." "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you."
"NO! This is about my soul, isn't it?"
"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, EDWARD. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you------- it's yous already!"
"Bella, I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME."
"You.....don't...want me?"
"No."
"Well, that changes things."
"Of course, I'll always love you.... in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm ..... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human."
"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't."
"Don't do this." he already had.
"You're not good for me, Bella." How I always knew that.
"If... that's what you want."

end flashback

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I couldn't bare to remember any more, but in all honesty that was the worst of it.
Everything I had already believed for so long.

Of course I was not good enough for him. He was perfect! So beautiful and nice, understanding, compassionate and good at everything. Absolutely brilliant! Not to mention filthy rich. And me well I'm nothing. I'm not pretty; I'm plan Jane Bella. I'm smart but no genius. I'm damn near disabled I'm so clumsy. I'm not interesting or funny. Or good at anything except reading. But whats awesome about that; absolutely nothing at all. Of course I am not good enough for him. I've always known that. I always wondered why he was with me. It couldn't be about my soul. It just couldn't be. He knows mine belongs to him right. Hell when he left my soul left me and tagged along after him. At least I felt that way. My soul knew where it belonged. So it must just be that he was bored with me (I can understand that I am not interesting) and didn't want me anymore. Off to another distraction. WOW that hurts. Just a distraction! I was just a distraction. Something to occupy some of his time, which was all eternity. Of course he would get bored with me. I'm boring and plain who would want me for ever, for all eternity. LITERALLY!!! I thought we were so much more. I am so stupid. I thought, no I was sure he was my soul mate, my other half. What a fool I've been.

Regardless of that though, thinking back now to that fateful conversation, one of the things he said didn't just hurt me, it bothered me. Kinda pissed me off.

"I'm not Human."

And that's a bad thing? No, but I guess to him it is.
Of course he wasn't human. I'm not stupid. That's one of the best things about him. He's special, not like any other boy I've ever met. I never asked him to pretend to be human. I liked him for who he was Vampire or not. I loved every little thing about him. As long as I had him I didn't care how he acted. HUMAN or VAMPIRE whatever made him happy.

I was still having trouble wrapping my head around all this. Nothing added up. All the things he did to prove how he felt. What we overcame to be together. Especially him. What he went through physically just to be near me. The thousands of times he told me he loved me, that I was his life. And than the one time he said he didn't want me, didn't love me! One was a lie! But which one? I knew Edward. STOP! wow oh my god that was the first time I really thought his name myself. Who would think it would hurt so bad. Anyways! I knew HIM!!! I knew he was an excellent liar. So which one was a lie? Easy answer!!! Of course he didn't want really want me, why should he or why would him. I always thought he was crazy. I remember last year when we first met and he said we shouldn't be friends. I figured it was because he realized how obsessed I was with him and wasn't interested. Why would he be interested? I knew I was right, he probley felt bad seeing how crazy I was for him and decided to have a little fun with a stupid human like myself. I knew it didn't make since for him to love me or want me. He was a GOD and I was I was nothing. What could I ever offer him?

Well now that that was figured out how did I feel about all of it? Let's think about EDWARD (still hurts, but man I love him and his name). How perfect he is! God I love those topaz eyes and that messy bronze hair. He's perfect in every way! And not in just looks, he is so fun and sweet and brilliant compassionate and thats just to name a few of his best qualities. I know I have said all this but I just love him so much no matter how much pain I am in. So perfect! My one love, my life. My soul is his. My whole being is his; body, mind, and soul!!!! Let's think about the Cullens. ALICE my bestfriend, my sister the one real friend I have ever had; god how i miss her. Emmett my big brother man he use to embarass the hell out of me and love it. But he was my big brother and I love him so much. Jasper what can I say he was a friend a brother but in a different way than Emmett even though he tried to kill me on impulse I still loved him and missed him.

I did not blame him and was not mad at him. Carlisle so compassionate he was like my second father and Esme my mother, one of the most loving people I have ever met she always acted more like a mother to me than my own mother. Renee always acted like the child and I the adult. How much I missed Carlisle and Esme I loved them so much. Hell I even missed Rosalie, beautiful perfect Rosalie. Even though she hated me and I was secretly afraid of her I still missed her, she was part of them there for part of me. I loved them all and missed them all but most of all HIM!!! MY EDWARD MY LOVE! The Life I had planned to have with him and them. Was that something I was willing to let go so easily? Just cause he thought it was for the best; meaning he wanted more or different distractions.

No, no it's not.I have spent my whole life feeling like I didn't fit in with anyone. And even though they weren't human, were super strong, super fast and breathtakingly beautiful with them is the only place I have ever felt like I truly belonged, where I felt like I was truly home. I use to detest Forks with all the rain and constant cloud cover and now I could never live anywhere sunny and warm again. But that was a sacrifice I was willing to pay for him. Even if now it was just to keep the memory of him and his existence real. I could never leave now, except somewhere else in Washington (and even if I did that what if he came back how would he find me) but that's it I would stay here forever unless of course it was with him.

It didn't matter, that's it regardless what he said before, or that I believed he truly didn't want me. Now that I was dealing with the pain and thinking it all through. I could not turn my back on us. I'd fight for him, even if he was the one I was fighting. I needed him still, despite everything and I loved him even more and that would never change. That's it decisions made. I loved him to much and needed to be with him too bad. I had research to do. First things first get out of bed, than Cornell University website and any hospital in or near Ithaca, New York.