Sometimes I wish that I were little again, protected from all possible hurt
Sometimes I wish that I were little again, protected from all possible hurt. I wish that I can go back to that fantasy world I once knew, the world where reality does not exist. To the world where guys don't rip up your heart but rather your just drawn drawings. I want to go back to the world where skinned knees were easier to heal then a broken heart. At this moment I am staring at a stranger…someone I thought I knew someone who I used to know. And no I am not rude, though my actions of open mouthed- staring at this stranger may imply so. No… it is the simple fact that this stranger was my boyfriend and is not as of 3 minutes ago. He dumped me and gave me a freaking bouquet of flowers as if that would make it all better. As if that would take all of the god awful pain away from my pathetic being. He told me that he can't do long-distance but "Hey we can still be friends, can't we?" I said nothing, nothing at all…paralyzed by his heartless words. Then I spoke: "Logan, don't ask me to be friends because I love you too much to start liking you." Whether I made sense at the moment is oblivious to me all I knew was that his words hurt and truth sprout from mine.
At the time he looked down, his glance no longer on my tearful eyes but the hard concrete floor which sat before the expectant train that I was set to get on. Of course he looked down; he looked down so his eyes would not have to make the dare of looking into mine. He looked down so he would not have to face the plain, ugly truth and blind, nefarious hurt in which he caused my glossy eyes to illustrate. 'I can't do this… I can't take in more pain then I have already' I think furiously, for this reason I step back onto the unmoved train. I figure that people shouldn't waste all their time trying to put their feelings into words but rather let it show through their eyes. If they show it through their eyes then everything will be easier… break ups would be easier.
A roar of a voice erupts through the heartbreaking silence that was present between Logan and me.
"Five minutes till the train starts a-movin!" I turn around suddenly feeling claustrophobic in this endless world, a substance of liquid escapes from my eye. Forcing a backlash of fellow tears to rush down my cheeks, they made their way toward my chin and fell helplessly to the ground just as I had for Logan. I begin to think of everything that went on between Johnny and I. I mean God he's my first love, he's my best friend… how can someone I love so freaking much hurt me so easily? I start walking away feeling Logan's eyes burning holes into my back.
"Veronica… I just can't do it." I stop in my tracks at the sound of his exasperated words. I remember when he first asked me out… we were standing outside my locker and I was dribbling on about a band I just found called, Cartel. He was staring at me so I turned away and started laughing. "What are you looking at?" I had asked him He then kissed me and replied by whispering out, "Beauty". He asked me out… and that was one year and 3 months ago. I do not turn around nor do I walk back a few steps so that he can see that I have heard his whisper. Even so he continues talking though unaware of whether I could hear him.
"It'd be too much… too much to ask, too much to take on, just too much and you know that. Baby you know that it would just cause us both unlimited yearning and ache and pain! Les you know just as well as I do that this isn't the right way to go. I can say that I'll always love you cause you know I will, I can say that I'll wait for you cause you know I WILL. I just can't say that everything will be alright, that everything will be okay in the long run and I want to be able to promise you that but the problem is … I can't promise you that." I know that he wants me to agree with him, to tell him that he is right and that I know it deep inside too. However the truth is that I am too weak to do that. Johnny continues on when I respond with silence.
"I don't want to do this… I never did I want to kiss you long and hard and wipe those tears that I know your crying from your gorgeous eyes but it wont make anything any better. I'm not saying that I'll stop loving you or that once your train leaves so will my love for you. I'm just saying that we have to do this." I turn around and rush back to the steps my heart racing abnormally as well as impatiently as I do this. I jump off the steps, adrenaline is stepping in causing impulse to be my only living reaction and or action. My face is inches from his my breaths rapid… I kiss him long and hard just as he claimed he wanted to do earlier.
"Love is unconditional… it can overcome any obstacles known to man, baby love is that strong. You made me feel like for once in my pathetic life I wouldn't have to work so hard to be happy. That I could just be it! You know what I'm saying? You say that you love me but it'll be too much pain, too much pain to be apart for one summer.
"You know that that isn't all of it." Logan interrupted earnestly.
"I know… and that's what kills me. I'll see you in soon maybe." I kiss him one more time, my lips lingering on his, savoring our last real kiss. I feeling his breath on my face as he exhales and I move away from his presence. I hand him a flower from the bouquet of flowers now stained with my waterfall of previous tears. And then I step onto the train… for real this time. I walk down the aisle and never look back or glance at a window which would just show me the face of my love. I sit down in a random cushioned seat at the back of the moving vehicle. I start crying… and once we start moving do I stand back up and glance out the translucent casement. We have left the train station; hence its presence no longer envelops anyone subject to this train. I see rain has suddenly started falling hitting natures floor just as furiously as my tears once had. I look down at the flowers in my hand tight grip, I look back out the window watching as the rain slips languid against it opening it without my knowing so. The fierceness of the wind hits my florid warm cheeks; it all feels so…fresh. I stick my hand out and let my grip unleash itself on the bouquet, I smile as I watch the flowers streak its way across the sky allowing the wind to take it to its new destination.