watsonma@hotmail.com
Changes
I have, after much serious thought and prolonged pain, come to the conclusion that those who claim to know and love me have little or no understanding of who I am or my goals in life. For the most part I have a tendency to inspire negative thoughts about myself in other people. Too many people that don't know me very well think I'm a dumb shallow blonde with nothing to worry about except my appearance. I don't even have to worry about my performance in school because I get horrible grades with no sign of improvement anytime soon. To those that do know' me, I'm sweet, innocent, and equally, dumb, shallow and petty. I can however, tolerate, all that because I know they love me despite my numerous faults; even if I'm always late, eat like a pig, and can't complete simple math equations.
My friends are great people, but they have no faith in me and as a result I have no faith in myself. They expect nothing more of me than what they see so I don't make any real effort to change. Sometimes I think if I had the time and the motivation to study I could probably be very smart. Yeah right! I always had a wonderful imagination.
I wish I could be more like Amy, she's so intelligent and sure of what she wants in life. She tries to encourage me and help me out sometimes, but I know she doesn't really expect me to improve. She seems to have patience for everything else, but when I'm figured into the equation she gives up on me within moments of trying to help. Mina tries to hide it, and she does a pretty good job, but I can tell she's disappointed that I'm such a klutz and I'm not as graceful as I should be. We may look alike and behave alike sometimes but that's where the similarities end. She's significantly more responsible than me and so graceful and she at least has the ability to pass a simple math test.
I know that deep down Lita wishes I were a better fighter. She must get exasperated every time I klutz out in the middle of a battle. As for Raye, I know she loves me, but she often seems as though she wishes I were someone else; someone smarter, more graceful, and more motivated and she never misses a chance to point it out to me.
I don't deserve to be the Moon Princess. I'm not smart or graceful or beautiful. I'm just a dumb klutz who is constantly being forced to save the world while trying not to fall flat on my face. Darien was right so long ago. There isn't much between these two meatballs I wear on my head. I don't know why he even likes me. He's so smart and gorgeous he could have any one of the dozens of beautiful, sophisticated college girls. He's probably only sticking around for the sake of destiny or maybe he just feels bad for me. I wouldn't be surprised if he walked up to me today and told me he didn't love me. And as expected I'd break down and cry and be depressed for days. That's me all right, ditzy, predictable Serena.
This is the life of the
super-heroine Sailor Moon. Some life it is. I am such a loser I don't even
know why anyone bothers with me. All I really have is destiny and right
now I doubt even that. How can someone like me become a graceful, intelligent
queen? I can't even walk down the sidewalk without tripping. I am so hopeless.
That was what I wrote in my diary sometime after I found out I was the moon princess. Since then I've grown up a lot. I owed all this to the almighty Darien of course. He dumped me not long after that little spore Rini appeared. I guess he finally got the wake up call and realized that he could probably have someone better than me.
Whether Rini was the trigger for our breakup or not is irrelevant. After Darien dumped me I grew up just a little, enough to realize that I love Rini, even if the kid is a real brat. It took me a long time to realize that though, and more pain than I would wish on anyone else. Even more importantly, I now realize that pining over Darien was getting me no closer to having him back in my arms.
Of course, by the time I had come to terms with the fact that my destined' relationship with Darien was over, things had really gone far downhill. My performance as a Sailor scout, bad as it was to begin with, had become horrible. Tension between the Scouts and myself were high. It was coming close to shape up or get out.
I was tired of being yelled at for being late, especially when so many times it really wasn't my fault. How was I supposed to get up on time every morning when battling youmas kept me up half the night? They didn't understand, and I'd never bothered to tell them (they'd of course see it as an excuse) just how much the moon scepter attacks using the silver crystal took out of me, and having to do it more than once in one night was almost as bad as being drained by a youma.
My schoolwork had gone from poor to just downright pitiful and as a result I started arguing with my parents trying to defend myself. Eventually I just shut myself off from everyone else, Rini being my only comfort as well as my only contact with the Scouts after I stopped attending meetings and fights. I guess that's the irony. We never got along before, but we grew closer in the end even if it stemmed from pity on her part. Luna and I had, long before, had our final argument after one of the battles, and she had moved in with Amy.
After a time I came to realize there was nothing left for me In Tokyo. There was no point to my sticking around, watching things get from bad to worse. The Scouts didn't need me anymore, nor did they want me around. The Nega-moon family had been severely weakened, so much that there was barely anything left of them except a few droids and a barely breathing wise man. We had finally gotten up the guts to go on the offensive rather than sit around and wait for them to attack. The Negamoon had never expected us to try attacking them and they were completely unprepared for us. Prince Diamond, Saffir, Rubius, and Emerald were all destroyed in the Sailor planet attack backed by the silver crystal that nearly killed the wise man.
The Scouts could handle what was left of the Negamoon.
I needed some time apart from my life. I knew just where to go and how
to get there. I was going to take my life in my hands and make some major
changes.
Ikuko Tsukino glanced over her dresser. Her favorite perfume was almost empty, she'd have to get a new one. It being empty of course meant that Serena had been using it again. She sighed as she looked at the picture on her dresser of a smiling Serena. The picture had been taken over two years ago. She picked up the picture and looking at it made her aware of just how much her daughter had grown up.
Things had been so much simpler when she was younger she told herself knowing it wasn't quite true. Things had seemed simpler when there were no boys for her to impress and no school dances and failing grades and no fighting over grades and dates, when she never had to ground her. She knew better though. Things had never been simple. Not when every time she looked into her daughter's eyes and at her long blonde hair she saw Richard's face smiling back at her.
She sighed and put the picture back to where it had been. For sixteen years her secret had remained safe and she supposed it would stay that way for the rest of her life. There was a time though when she had felt her secret had been in grave danger.
Richard had come to Japan on business and had looked up Ikuko. He had loved her once. He wondered what had become of her after she had married and moved to Tokyo. He never quite understood why she couldn't have broken things off with Kenjii and stayed with him. he could have given her so much.
She had seemed to love him. The last time they had been together was less than two weeks before her wedding and she had come to say goodbye but a goodbye kiss had led to much more. But even then she had left him and went on to marry Kenjii ten days later. A few weeks after the wedding the new couple had moved to Tokyo where Kenjii had a great job at a large corporation. Richard never saw her again until six years later.
Six years later he found Ikuko Sato or Koko as he used to call her in Tokyo. She had two children and was happily married. He saw her in the park with her two children, a tiny brown-haired boy no more than two or three and an adorable six year bright eyed blonde child that reminded him of his little sister at her age. Looking at her then he knew that that little girl was his. There was no mistaking it.
He was angry at Koko for not telling about his daughter but on some level he understood and accepted her choice. He had no intention of giving up on his daughter however, and he convinced Koko to let him spend time with her. After just one afternoon with the little girl, Richard wondered how he'd ever leave her and return to California. He made up his mind that whatever it took he would try to be close to her. He kept his promise and he had a beautiful sixteen-year old daughter who he always wrote to and saw occasionally whenever he could, without the knowledge of her current father of course.
I went downstairs to speak with my parents, taking each step slowly, staring down at the carpet as if expecting it to help me with what I had to say to them. I knew if they agreed to my plan, it would change my life forever. I glanced over the family pictures that lined the walls along the stairs. I couldn't yet imagine life without them, but if things continued like this well I couldn't see things coming out well.
I was nervous about what I was going to ask of them. What if they didn't agree? What would I do then? I prayed to an unnamed god that they'd agree.
We hadn't said much to each other after that last fight we had about my grades. They'd yelled. I'd yelled back. Doors were slammed; tears were shed and all because of Sailor Moon. I was growing to hate Sailor Moon and I have never hated anyone. I was beginning to hate me.
I was barely passing most of my classes. I just didn't feel like trying anymore. I remembered those days when I would sit in class staring out the windows and out at the buildings across the street or the bright blue sky, too tired to concentrate on what the teacher was saying. I would drift off into my own little word riddled with my every fantasy, and dreams of love and happiness, and a time of peace when I wouldn't have to fight anymore.
I used to be constantly tired from the energy I expended in each fight as Sailor Moon. Now, since I'd begun to avoid the scouts and the fights, I was just restless and empty. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I was tired of watching my life pass by. I needed a change.
I mustered up some more courage and headed towards the living room where I knew my father was finishing the paper before dinner. My mother was preparing to put dinner on the table and thank goodness Sammy wasn't home to bother me. I don't know how that pain in the ass was in the same family as me.
I managed to put a determined expression on my face and approached my father
"Mom, Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure sweetheart," my mom said wiping her hands on a kitchen towel as she walked out of the kitchen and into the living room where my father sat reading the newspaper. "What is it?"
"I was thinking. You know how things have been going badly in school and everything, I think I need a change. I was wondering if I could maybe live with Aunt Yuki in San Francisco for a while and go to school there. I think it would help a lot." I prepared myself for the negative answer I expected and added; "It would be just for a year or two until I graduated."
I squirmed in my chair waiting for a reply. I was preparing a good loud wail to convince them that this was absolutely necessary. There wasn't much choice left any way. I was on the verge of failing just about everything, but I was not prepared to flunk out of high school just yet. This was my last resort and I prayed in my mind for them to say yes.
I was quite surprised when my father agreed. "Actually
honey I was thinking the same thing. You don't seem to be doing well here
and we thought you could use a break from everything. I was thinking that
a change of environment might be a good motivator for you. I haven't had
a chance to discuss it with your mother yet," he said looking over at my
mother sitting next to him, staring at him wide-eyed. Why don't you let
your mother and I discuss this for a little while before we make any decisions.
Mom gave me a conspiratorial glance when Dad wasn't looking, that told
me that we would have to talk later alone.
*** change in point of view
When Serena had left the room and Kenjii was alone with his wife, they began their discussion. Ikuko was angry. "Why didn't you tell me you were considering sending her away?"
"I just came up with the idea today. I'm tired of watching her do badly in school so I thought the change might be good for her. I had no intention of bringing it up until we had confirmed with your sister that she could stay with her. Serena brought it up first so I told her what I was thinking. I wasn't trying to make any decisions without you. I'm sorry if it seemed that way but I meant nothing by it."
His eyes plead with her to forgive him and it wasn't hard. She sighed and released her anger. She had no real reason to be angry. She was anxious however. She was quite sure she would have to tell him her secret now and she wasn't sure what effect that would have. It could mean the end of her family. All because men could be so dense sometimes.
"Honey, I'm not angry with you but there are things you didn't take into consideration and others that you just don't know. I don't know if you've noticed but my sister and I don't get along. We haven't spoken to each other since Serena was a little girl. It's not a good idea for her to stay with her."
Kenjii was surprised at this information. Ikuko not getting along with somebody was highly improbable especially a relative. "I had no idea. Why not? What happened?"
So many questions to answer. She turned her face away from him and got up from the couch. "It's a long story and one I wish I could have kept the secret but I all secrets must surface some time and I'm sorry that I have to do this to you but It's time you know."
"Honey what in the world are you talking about?"
She wrung her hands and when she turned to face him, he saw for the first time that she was crying. "I'm sorry she whispered. Serena is not your daughter."
"What!? What are you talking about? What do you mean she's not my daughter?" kenjii stared at his wife in shock and disbelief. His heart was breaking.
My sister was in love with a guy by the name of Richard Chandler but she wasn't sure if he returned her feelings or not. He had flirted with her a few times but nothing major. Around the same time I met you I began working for Chandler Corporation as a secretary for Richard. We got involved but I knew I loved you but I was never sure about my feelings for Richard and ten days before our wedding I went to tell him goodbye and that's when Serena was conceived."
She wrung her hands and turned away from he husband feeling the weight of her own betrayal. "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. My sister and I haven't spoken since I told her the Serena was Richard's daughter."
All was quiet in the room for a few minutes. The silence was deafening and the tension so thick it was palpable. Kenjii eventually broke the silence and his tone was so cold it made Ikuko shiver.
"Does Serena know?"
"Yes," Ikuko replied. Richard found out about her when she was six when he came here for business. I told Serena when she was ten that he was her father. By then he saw her every year and he has always written to her. I told her not to tell you anything."
"I suppose you want her to stay with him in San Francisco?" He didn't wait for an answer. He picked up his car keys from coffee table and walked out slamming the front door behind him. Ikuko was barely aware of the sound of the squealing tires leaving the driveway as she buried her face in her hands and cried.
"Serena?"
I heard my mother's voice outside her door and quickly got out of bed to answer it. I had been waiting impatiently for an answer and was dying to hear what my mother had to say. I opened the door to see my mother looking slightly nervous and her eyes red and watery.
"What's wrong mom? Is everything ok?"
"Yes honey. I'm fine," Mom said tiredly.
"So will I be able to go?" I was getting worried.
"I think it's a good idea but you won't be staying with your Aunt?"
"Then who?" I asked, overcome with curiosity.
"Your father."
"What! Richard? What about Dad? What's he going to say?
"I don't think your Dad's going to be involved in this decision anymore."
"What do you mean?" I asked nervously.
"I told your father about Richard. "
I stared at her incredulously. Eventually I got a hold of myself and closed my mouth. "Wha What did he say?" I muttered.
"Don't worry about it sweetheart," she said with a pained smile on her face.
"But Mom" She simply put up a hand and told me not to worry about it.
"It's not your problem Serena. This is between me and your father."
"But Mom."
"No, Serena. This is my problem. I'll deal with it. Besides it may be good to spend them with your real father."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Another disaster that was a ll my fault. I could tell by the look on her face that things hadn't gone well with my father. If only I had kept my mouth shut. I buried my face in my pillows and cried over the disaster I had caused.
A few days later as I packed my clothes and prepared myself to leave, it finally dawned on me that I was going to America for the first time. I stared into the mirror at the girl staring back at me. She looked so lost and empty. She had lost weight over the last few weeks. She was not the happy flighty girl she had once been. I made a decision that tomorrow was the last time that girl would stare back at me.
I went to bed to wake up and face tomorrow. It would be my last day in Japan for a long time. In my head I went over what I had done today. One thought came to me and I wondered what the Scouts would have to say when they got my note. What would Darien say? Would he even care? I hadn't bothered to write him a separate personal note. Why bother when I'd just seem like a silly teenager.
I had written:
I know you guys have no reason to care what I do or say anymore. I haven't exactly been a great leader or a great anything, for that matter. For once however, I have decided to be responsible and let you know that I'm leaving Tokyo. I won't tell you where I'm going; it doesn't matter anyway. Don't bother to ask my parents I've asked them not to divulge that information. I just need some time away from all that's happened in my life. I would leave the silver crystal with you but no one else can use it so I'll keep it safe with me. I haven't given up on our friendship or the Scouts. I'll be back someday. I know you guys can handle whatever trials should come your way. Just believe in yourselves the way I never could and the way you never did in me.
Please take care of Rini. The scout of time, Sailor Pluto, informed me that Rini's mother is safe in the future. She still has to stay here for a little while longer though, while they make it completely safe for her to go home. She should be ready to leave in a few weeks though. I'm sorry I won't be there to see her go, and I suppose I should have told you this a while ago, but things were not at their best.
I suppose I'll always love you Darien, unfortunately. You have moved on with your life however, and I suppose it's my turn to do the same.
I love each and every one of you. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you all, especially you Luna. I wish you all the best. This is not goodbye. Hopefully when I return I'll be a better person and we'll be on better terms.
Until we meet again
Love, Serena.
They would receive my letter some time after I had left for the airport. I was mildly disgusted with myself for not having the guts to face them in person, but that part of my life was over for now. I turned over and pushed all thoughts out of my head and tried to go to sleep unsuccessfully. It was going to be a long night. I was way too excited and nervous to sleep.
Earlier this week I had to explain everything to Rini. We cried a little, but altogether, she took it rather well. Tomorrow will be the last time I'll see her, my daughter. That information had been hard to swallow when Pluto told me. I'm surprised she told me at all. From what I could gather, considering she doesn't say much about anything, she'd prefer that I knew nothing of my future.
In the end, knowing that Rini was my future daughter was in a sense comforting and it had bonded us in a way nothing else ever could. It also made saying goodbye much harder. I would miss the little spore. She was so cute. I could say that easily, knowing she looks so much like me.
I turned to the window and stared out over the city as it fell away beneath the airplane. I said goodbye to it all. I would miss Tokyo but I was looking forward to my new life. It had been a while since I had seen my father and I was happy to be able to see him again. As the plane leveled of at thirty five hundred feet, I opened my English phrase book and hoped I wouldn't butcher the language too much when I got to San Francisco. I could read it very well, having read my father's letters over the years but I still had some trouble speaking it. After about twenty minutes of studying, My eyes got heavy and I fell asleep, finally able to truly rest.
After an extremely long ride. The plane finally
set down in San Francisco and it was the beginning of my new life.