Written for the Wishes of the Dark Side Competition with the prompts - Draco Malfoy, Courageous, Lumos and I wish I could forget.
He Wishes
Every time he closes his eyes he can see it, the blood, the knife, the flashing lights, the girl, the four year old girl. A child. A baby. Whenever silence reigns he can hear it, the screams and the plea's, the laughing and the jeering. It sickens him, and yet, he signed up for this. He willingly took the mark, he swore an oath of allegiance. He thought it was what he wanted.
He wishes he could forget it all, pretend he didn't see, pretend he didn't hear. He wishes he could turn back time and make it so he didn't see it at all. He wishes he was courageous enough to wish he could stop it happening but he's a coward. He knows he wouldn't even try. He wishes he could get away from the pain and fear, he wishes he could choose the other side. He wishes, but it changes nothing.
When his father told him of his upcoming initiation into the ranks of the elite, he had been excited. He had been eager to prove himself, he had been eager to work against Potter and Dumbledore and prove himself superior. He didn't understand what it meant to be a death eater. He didn't know what he would be forced to witness, what he would be forced to participate in.
He locks himself away in his bedroom, he tries to sink into the darkness that is sleep but it is like someone has cast Lumos on his eyelids. He is blinded by the horrors that took place not far from where he lays in his bed. When sleep finally takes him, nightmares plague him, a little girl crying out for help, meeting his eyes as he stands in horrified fascination and watches as they torture her relentlessly. He wakes, tears falling from his eyes. Tears for the little girl and tears for himself and the mess he has found himself in.
How long will he be allowed to merely stand and watch, before they force him to join in? He should be enjoying it, as they quite obviously were. He should like seeing the filthy blood of a muggle spill on the floor. How long until they want to see him perform? If, or rather when, he fails, will it be him that writhes around in pain while his father stands and watches and laughs? Will it be his life they take the pleasure of taking?
Did they see the revulsion on his face? Will they ask him about it? He hopes not. He knows his life will be forfeit and he doesn't want to die. Not yet. He want's to grow old, take a wife, have a child, be successful. He thought he was taking the first step to success when he took the black mark on his arm. He didn't know until it was too late that the black mark would be his downfall.
He wonders how it will all end. He knows he won't last long. They will sense his weakness before long, will take the choice away from him. Will his father allow him to be murdered? He knows the answer to that. Undeniably.
He wishes he could forget. He wishes he could sleep undisturbed as he did before. He wishes for a lot of things, but the one thing he wishes for more than anything else is the one thing he could never do. He wishes he could go back and take her place. He wishes she could have lived. He wishes...