A/N: God damn you Clara. Just kidding everybody, but I was going to write a songfic to "Hanging by a Moment" and I was checking out FF.net last night, and lo and behold, it was already done. I cursed the author and threw a relative FIT, and then I saw the author's name. It was CLARA!!! Friend and frequent roleplayer! I FELT SO BETRAYED!!! But hey, I asked if I could write one too, and she said yes. ^^ Thankya Clara-chan!!! ^_^ And, so, here, based on the song by Lifehouse, is "Hanging by a Moment". Taito to the nines here. The only way it can be! ^_~
Oh yes. And I don't own Digimon (damn it all to hell) I just mess with the characters heads for my own enjoyment.
Hanging by a Moment
Desperate
for changing
Starving
for truth
I'm
closer to where I started
I'm
chasing after you
The park was so dull with the streetlights that I could barely see the trees I was running into. Remind me again never to take a shortcut through the greenbelts. But tonight was different, I couldn't be late. I had called poor Matt out of his house at the most unholy time of night, in frigid temperatures, for the stupidest reason. I know it would be the end of me, so maybe I was suicidal? No, that doesn't sound right. I mean, if he said no, it wouldn't kill me physically, just…emotionally.
I could see a break in the trees before me. There was somebody standing under a
lamp-post, a long, green scarf wrapped around their neck. His black coat made his blonde hair look
even lighter. Oh God how beautiful he
would have looked if it were snowing. But it wasn't snowing. Damn it.
He looked like he had been waiting for quite a while. His cheeks were pink, and his ears were red,
and the tip of his milky white nose was a light rosy colour. I couldn't believe how selfish I was. I was at home, wondering whether or not I
should show up, when he was waiting there like a good friend in the cold. He's amazing like that.
And yet- he turned to leave! He must not have seen me, for when I burst out of the trees he
spun around like the dogs of hell were after him. It took him a second, but he recognized my distinct
hairstyle. Like anybody could ever
forget it…
"Taichi?" he gasped almost as loud as I was. I nodded, panting, resting my hands on my
knees. Jesus winter was bad for me…the
second soccer started up I would have to start running in laps if I didn't want
to die on the field.
I looked up at him for the first time that night. Mistake number one.
He was smiling his typical sarcastic grin, his blue eyes
shining merrily in the night, illuminating the entire part of the park we were
in.
Oh God, I could barely control myself. His lips where a chilled violet colour, and
he looked like he had been there forever, just waiting for me. I couldn't get over how patient and kind he
was.
This was the night I was going to tell him how I felt about
him.
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting
go of all I've held on to
I'm
standing here until you make me move
I'm
hanging by a moment here with you
"So," he said with a
smile, "what did you want to tell me?"
I stood there in utter shock, just staring dumbly at
him. I knew I should have been making
some attempt to speak, but for some reason I couldn't. I think it's the way he looked that
night. It was like some sort of brain-impairing
drug. Finally, I find my words.
"Tell…you…?" I replied in a blank tone. I mentally slapped myself. Waita go, Tai. I have never been one for words, but that night I was downright
pathetic.
Matt's icy blue eyes clouded over a bit, and he
looked…angry. Oh, I was familiar with
his angry side. It had died down since
we were kids of 11, he was mellower now, but those eyes still give me the
creeps.
"You said you wanted to tell me something?" Matt asked,
looking hurt now. The patience was
still strong in his voice. He was so
steady, like a rock.
"Oh, yeah," I said, searching for something plausible. Nothing. It was something about standing there under his gaze that either
completely frightened me, or completely enthralled me. And it was silent, too. Not a soul was around; if I kissed him there
would be no witnesses…
I shook that thought out of my head and spurted out the
first words that came to mind.
"I was, ah, wondering if you could…"
I looked down at the ground for some help, and found
nothing. There was never a conversation
starter when you needed one. Here, in
the real world, with everything around you. I mean, at least in Digiworld I could bitch at him for playing his harmonica
so damn much. But-
Aha!
"I was wondering if you could teach me how to play the
harmonica." I blurted out.
Forgetting
all I'm lacking
Completely
incomplete
I'll
take your invitation
You
take all of me
Now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting
go of all I've held onto
I'm
standing here until you make me move
I'm
hanging by a moment here with you
Matt blinked, and was silent for a moment, then grinned widely, and…started to laugh. I blinked in confusion.
"Sure I'll teach you, Tai!" he said in a kind voice, "I
mean, I guess I'll have to loan you one of my old ones, but they're pretty
ancient, don't blame me if they're somewhat off-tune!"
I laughed nervously in return, scratching the back of my
head. It was a nice save, but how long
could I dance around the real reason I was there without going completely
insane?
"Yeah!" I chirped, "Sounds awesome, man! Who knows, maybe I can join the band!!"
I was only joking of course, but Matt paused thoughtfully at
the idea.
"Actually," he replied, "that's not a bad idea. I mean, we'd need a harmonica player for
some songs. It's kinda impossible for
me to play the harmonica, guitar, and sing at the same time, ya know? You're more than welcome to join. IF you prove that you can play a mean
harmonica."
I stared at him in disbelief. Matt was actually inviting me to join his band…his band was his
close, secretive group of friends. They
were aloof, popular (more popular than I was, anyway) and almost elite. And Matt was asking me to join.
"S-sure…" I stammered, flattered beyond belief. It only made me feel more love swelling in
my heart. I had to tell him tonight, or
I'd explode.
Matt grinned a little quirk of a smile.
"No problem, man," he replied, "is that all you wanted to
talk to me about?"
I blanked. Here was
my opportunity to tell him, it was right in front of me. All I had to do was say those three little
words and I could run away into the night, and I would never have to feel pain
or rejection again.
But I had to have courage.
Courage that I didn't have.
God damn this crest. I wanted it more than anything, but even now, in the new millennium,
loving another boy was, well, wrong. I'm sure Matt thought it was wrong, too. Knowing my luck he probably liked someone like Mimi. Lucky ditz.
"Yeah, that's all." I said in a damp tone. Matt paused for a moment, something like suspicion
flickering in his deep blue eyes, then smiled softly again.
"Cool," he replied, "seeya at the movies tomorrow. Remember, you pick up Kari, Davis, Yolei,
Joe, and Sora. I'm picking up TK, Mimi,
Ken, Izzy, and Cody. You think you can
handle them?"
I nodded slowly, feeling something like one of those tacky
bobbing-head dogs people put in their cars. I couldn't believe how cowardly I was.
"Great," Matt said with a grin, "I'm going to go get
warm. Seeya!"
He waved a bit, and turned to leave, scarf fluttering in the
wind. If he left now, I would never get
the courage to ask him out here like this again, I would always fall short of
my nerve. He would never know how I really
felt.
Suddenly, that sounded worse than his rejection. At least if I told him then he would always
know, and it would linger in the back of his mind. I would be thought of.
Not wanting to risk my moment, I lunged forward.
"Matt, wait!" I managed to gasp, and grabbed ahold of his
hand. There was a silence as he looked
back at me strangely. His blue eyes
studied me carefully, and I had to bite my lip and avert my gaze down at his
hand I held in both of mine. It was so
cold.
"Matt…I…" I stammered, not knowing what exactly I should
do. How do you tell someone, never mind
another boy, that you love them? It's
not exactly easy, I'll tell you now.
I'm
living for the only thing I know
I'm
running and not quite sure where to go
And
I don't know what I'm diving into
Just
hanging by a moment here with you
"What is it, Tai?" Matt asked. I looked up at him. He
looked a little nervous that I was holding his hand, but I would never let it
go, not that I had it in both of mine. I had his gaze, now. He looked a
little confused, wondering what the devil could be taking me so long to say.
I was confused, too. I didn't really understand why I felt this way, but one thing was
crystal clear in my mind. I loved
him. I was in love with Yamato Ishida,
and dammit, I would not chicken out. I
just didn't know how I would say it. Would I try to be comical about it? Sweet? Passionate? Would I sweep him off his feet and make love
to him right there in the snowy park?
That sounded nice, but I'm sure he would NOT enjoy
that. Matt was always a very moral
person. I knew I had to say it, but the
problem was…how…?
I couldn't stop myself. I had to say it right now. My
future before me was unclear, but I couldn't let that stop me. God, what was I doing? I was jumping into the great unknown; I was
living for the moment; I was hanging by its very thread.
Sometimes, it's not how you say it, but what you say that's
important.
"I love you…Yamato Ishida…" I said in a tiny, meek
voice. There was a long silence. I bit my lip and tried to look up. So far, so slow. I couldn't manage to look at his face. Finally, I gathered up all the courage in my soccer-playing
ex-goggle-sporting body and forced my chin up, to lock gaze with him.
The good news? It
wasn't horror. The bad news? It was complete and total confusion. He was looking at me like I had two heads.
"I…beg your pardon…?" he stammered. I knew he had heard perfectly well what I
had said, it just wasn't registering in that blonde brain of his. Carefully, I cleared my throat, and started
to go into depth…
There's
nothing else to lose
There's
nothing else to find
There's
nothing in the world
That
can change my mind
There is nothing else
There
is nothing else
There
is nothing else
"I always thought about you a lot when we were kids," I
explained, "and I didn't exactly know why. I think it was because I was still young, but I figured it must have
been because you drove me crazy. You
argued with me all the time, you challenged my opinions; you fought
hand-to-hand combat with me!! At first
I thought I just held a grudge, but I started to see you in a new light. I think it was when…yes, when we were
fighting Piedmon. You came to save me,
and your crest regenerated me."
I looked him square in the eye again. He still looked in utter shock, but at least
his shoulders weren't so rigid.
"And," I continued, interlocking my fingers and looking at
the snowbank to the far left of us, "I suddenly started to like you. Not as in a best friend sort of like; to
tell you the truth I felt that way about you the whole time; but it was more of
a deep affection. And then it ended,
and then there was the internet battle, and…"
I looked up at the stars and snowflakes in the sky. I was digging myself a grave, standing here,
but at least everything I had bottled up for the past five or six years was
finally going public.
"I don't know," I said in an exasperated tone, "it's almost
like fate drew me to you. I think I was
meant to fall in love with you. I know
you're probably thinking 'Oh my God, Tai's fruitier than a cherry pie!' and
totally repulsed about all this, but the truth is that I can't just sit back
and keep it from you. And no matter
what, I will never stop loving you."
Matt actually blinked; that was a good sign. I was starting to think his eyes were drying
out. Only thing is, his eyes got a
little bigger. That WASN'T a good sign.
"Yes, I'm serious, Matt," I said, trying to clarify his
absolutely confounded expression, "I've loved you pretty much since the day we
met, and I'll always love you. I mean,
there is nothing that is more solid, or more pure than what I'm feeling. I don't need to think it over, I don't need
to sit down, I just needed to say it. I'm absolutely positive I love you. I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Compared to this, my whole life has been
nothing but a gamble!"
I looked up at him. He was still in utter shock, but at least he was still there. His beautiful face was pale white, his eyes
were wide, staring at me incredulously. His jaw was hitting the ground, and he looked absolutely
ridiculous. I had to bite my tongue to
keep from laughing. I straightened my
face and continued my little rant.
Desperate
for changing
Starving
for truth
I'm
closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
"It doesn't matter if you don't feel the same way," I
declared righteously, "I still want to be your friend, and I hope you can keep
this whole fiasco from ruining our friendship. In truth, I want nothing more to be your friend. At least then I wont be hated by you or
anything, or totally excluded, you know, I just…I can't…"
I looked up at him again. His mouth was closed, and he looked like he was thinking deeply about
something. You know that look, when he
slightly bites his bottom lip and his eyes kind of retract and look
hollow? That's how he looked right
then.
"Look, Matt," I said in a slightly saddened tone, "I'm sorry
I dragged you out here into this cold, and I'm sorry for saying all this stuff,
it's just it had to be said before it ate me alive, and, I have to say it
again, I love you, and…you can leave now if you want…but-"
From in the range of my blank gaze I saw him move. Oh great, he was leaving. No? He was coming closer?
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all
I've held onto
I'm standing here
until you make me move
Just hanging by
a moment here with you
I barely had time to think, let alone breathe, before he
cupped my cheek with a gentle hand and brought his lips to mine. I must not have taken a breath for that
whole time I was talking, either, for when he pulled away I was gasping. But Matt was smiling warmly at me, his blue
eyes shining with kindness.
"Tai, man…" he murmured softly, locking his gaze with mine, "You
talk to much…"
I trembled at the touch of his hand that was still on my
cheek.
"I- I….I…I….-I….I'm….s-s-s-….sor-ry…" I stammered, looking
up at him in complete confusion. Matt
laughed slightly, inching his mouth closer to mine. His eyes were half-closed like he was under some sort of
narcotic. It was him that was the drug.
"Don't be," he whispered, his breath warm against my face, "because
I love you too."
My heart swelled with joy as our lips touched yet again,
tingling with pure electricity.
The two of us shared the sweetest kiss under the lamplight
in the snowy park, and suddenly…it wasn't so cold anymore…
Just hanging by a moment,
Hanging by a moment,
Hanging by a moment,
Hanging by a moment here with you.