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1. Evil Licenses.
Sephiroth was not happy.
One may ask as to why and he'll give a lengthy description that'll take 12 pages of a word document in size 8 font, but because no-one really wants to hear a rant of big words that don't make sense most of the time, I'll make it simple.
You now needed a license to be evil.
Sephiroth didn't want to stay in Shin-Ra all his life, and knew that going evil was a good way to travel and make friends… Then kill them, but make friends nonetheless.
His current friends were made up of all the head cases Shin-Ra had on offer. Genesis Rhapsodos, the pyromaniac with an obsession with making his life hell, Angeal Hewley, the one too busy training worthless cadets to be of any help, Zack Fair, the puppy, Cloud Strife, the shy Cadet and the Turks, but they were another story.
The writer now asks if you know about Sephiroth, if you don't please move your mouse to the little x button in the top right hand corner, go to the nearest game shop and buy Final Fantasy VII. Or go shoot yourself in the head. The writer doesn't mind either way.
So you now see as to why Sephiroth now sat in a small office watching a fat little man (most likely a Palmer wannabe) typing away at a keyboard as he had been for 3 hours now.
"Ah! And we are done." The man said happily. That made Sephiroth wonder why he was allowed to make licenses to go evil, he was too happy.
"And your result Mr Sephiroth, is…" Sephiroth leaned forward in anticipation; he hadn't waited 3 hours, killed 12 staff members and blew up part of the building for nothing.
"You aren't evil enough for a license." The man smiled sympathetically and patted Sephiroth on the back. "Try again in a few years, and you might make it."
Sephiroth was outraged, How dare they tell him, the great General Sephiroth who was to go insane in the future over an alien head that claimed to be his mother.
Sephiroth then wondered if he should know that. "Probably not," he thought and went back to ignoring the voice that was narrating, like a good muse.
The door creaked open and a remnant by the name of Kadaj strode in casually.
If you don't know who Kadaj is, please don't bother renting advent children, just shoot yourself in the head now.
"Ah! Kadaj, Your results came back, you are fully eligible for a license to go evil!" the Palmer look-alike said cheerfully. Sephiroth just gaped.
"Hang on a sec, Kadaj is my REMNANT!" Sephiroth all but shouted "Why can he apply for a license, but I can't?!"
The man looked at Sephiroth and grinned. He was too happy and will be killed off later.
Sephiroth still wasn't happy.
"Genesis and Cloud have a license, so I thought I would get one, good idea, huh brother?" Kadaj said.
Evilly.
Because he was evil.
And evil kicks good's ass.
Because most bad guys are hot.
… The narrator is going to shut up now.
"Genesis?! Cloud?! But Genesis couldn't be evil to save his life!"
Famous last words.
"And Cloud is… well Cloud!" Sephiroth glared a fearsome death glare that would usually stop anyone in their tracks and freeze up. But the Man and Kadaj were un-phased.
Kadaj just gave Sephiroth a look and pointed at the wall where a picture of Cloud hung with the words: "Most likely to go insane over an alien head that claimed to be his mother" were carved under, on a shining, golden plaque.
Sephiroth was fuming, that should have been his place on the wall. Everyone knew he was the only one most likely to go insane over an alien head that claimed to be his mother. He was going to burn down Cloud's hometown for this.
The man continued to smile at Sephiroth, so he was stabbed with a seven-foot long sword. Like hell he wasn't evil enough to apply for a license, he'll just go steal Genesis' or Cloud's or something.
The narrator would now like to ask if you know who Genesis and Cloud are. If you don't know who Genesis is, it is understandable seeing as he is only in two games. If you don't know who Cloud is, Please go die in a hole… Or Google them.
Google is your best friend.
You done yet?
…
…
Thank you.
"This," Sephiroth decided "Was worse than when Lazard decided to put random Soldier members into McChocobo's because funding was low."
Poor Cloud never got over that. But I'll tell that story later.
Sephiroth stormed out of the building, ignoring Kadaj rolling his eyes at him. They were going to pay…
"One day I'll throw a meteor at Midgar… Just to prove I am evil." Sephiroth said to himself as he returned to Shin-Ra building, dodging the random fan girls who attempted to glomp him.
Because everyone knows fan girls are the sources of pure character angst.
And Sephiroth didn't angst. Angst was for blond spiky-haired characters who found out their memories were their best friend's and that they never made it into soldier, it was all a figment of their imagination.
Yes, That was irony at it's best.
Sephiroth gasped.
In front of the Shin-Ra building was the man from the evil license office. Perfectly unharmed.
The remains of a phoenix down floated around him.
Well that explained it.
"I'm sorry Mr Sephiroth, I'm afraid I can't let you join your friends, you know too much about us."
"Uh… Kay then?" Sephiroth said "And they're not my friends," he added as a second thought.
The Man (Yes, he gets capital letters now) stood in a battle stance.
Sephiroth drew his sword.
They prepared for the ultimate battle of their lives.
A Moogle died somewhere.
Sephiroth raised his sword and….
A Chocobo came running from around the corner and trampled The Man.
"Well that wasn't dramatic at all," Sephiroth muttered as he kicked at the remains of The Man. He left the body to rot in the street and entered the building; surprisingly the majority of SOLDIER was standing around something.
Sephiroth pushed his way through the crowd, who moved out of his way respectfully then started laughing.
In the centre of the circle was…
…Kadaj. Telling the story of how Sephiroth failed to get a license to go evil.
Kadaj wasn't seen for 2 months, and Sephiroth was smug about something the whole time.