The Slap, a naruto fanfic

"RANSENGAN!"

"CHIDORI!"

Out in the Valley of the End, two mythical forces drew their final blows, tearing the sculpted canyon apart. On one end, the Kitsune charged with his all consuming vortex of red light. On the other, the Ogre plunged with his spear of thunder.

Within the maelstrom of the colliding forces, the two selfish demons scratched and clawed at each other, fighting for dominance, for victory. One wanted to tear everything away to kill his one purpose of living. The other wanted to kill everything to keep everything he had.

Selfish bastards.

Eventually, the Ogre managed to stick his clawed fist deep into the Kitsune's stomach, but not without meeting a return blow to his face, smashing a nose and consciousness.

As the energies tearing at the valley came to an end, a victor stood. Naruto held his side, slightly grinning in the rain, while Sasuke lay unconscious on the ground.

The Uzumaki's first thought was that he won. Finally. Even if it was in the sort of nastiest situation (kickingtheassofyourbestfriendtoensurehedoesn'tgettothatsnakebastardandturnintohisdamnvessel DEEPBREATH), at least he still won. Sasuke wasn't going to Orochimaru.

The Uzumaki's second thought suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks.

Shit. Sakura-chan's going to have my ass for hurting Sasuke-bastard.

As far as he was concerned, Naruto wasn't really in the mood for dying just yet…

Person With Many Aliases presents:

"Bitch-Slap"

A Naruto fanfiction

"Naruto" series the property of Masashi Kishimoto

The boy's first thought was running away. Run away! Run away as fast as fucking possible! Leave Konoha! Hell, if it meant getting away from the wrath of his sweet love, it surely would work!

Well, wait. He still had to do that Hokage thing. Running away was kind of cowardly.

Plus, Kakashi just arrived.

"Yo Naruto! Sorry I'm late, you see-"

"Yeah, whatever! Sasuke put a hole in my GUT! Just shut up about how you're late and take him already so I can concentrate on not bleeding to death!"

"Well, technically that's impossible, since the Kyuubi heals you…"

"Just take him!"

"Okay, okay…"

The two trudged through the forest. After a while, Naruto accidentally let it slip with a sigh.

"Ai… Sakura-chan's going to kill me…"

"What makes you think that?"

"W-what? You didn't hear anything!"

"You just said Sakura was going to kill you. It's more probable that she's going to thank you."

"Sakura-chan's fucking crazy over Sasuke-bastard, even if I'm better than him. The moment she sees him she's going to go nuts."

"Well, let's just go through this logically, and assume the worst. What's the worst that will happen?"

Naruto thought for a moment. A feasible enough scenario came to his mind.

"Well, when we get back, Sakura-chan will only be hysterical enough to slap me, since she'll be so pissed I hurt Sasuke. Even though I made that whole promise of bringing him back, of course she'll conveniently forget about all that and hate my guts…"

"That's it?" Kakashi's lone eye twinkled.

"Well, not really. I assume the villagers will freak out too for me nearly killing their golden boy. So they'll go up in arms again and try to kill me. Of course, in the worst-case scenario, this means that somehow that old hag Tsunade will probably be too drunk to do anything… I bet that will happen."

"Hmm… maybe. After that?"

"Well, I suppose if my favorite girl hates me, and everybody hates me, there would be no reason for me to stay, right?"

"You want to be Hokage, though."

"I know! I'm going to be Hokage, if it's the last thing I do! Hell, even if the entire village hated me, and cut off my limbs, and…"

"Back to the point, Naruto."

"Phh, fine. Assuming the worst, I'd somehow totally ditch the idea of becoming Hokage, even though I spent my entire life for that dream, and escape death by angry villagers… though the question would be why now, and not when I was like… four or something."

"Who knows? Maybe you finally got pushed over the edge in this case, assuming the worst."

"Maybe… Anyways, so by now I run away from the village, and all this because I save Sasuke-bastard. I wonder what would have happened if Sasuke won?"

"Who knows? Since you assume the worst from completing the mission, by the same reasoning, you should assume the best from failing the mission? This is all by your logic, of course, Naruto." Kakashi smugly noted.

"Well, in the best case, that means Sasuke returns out of the goodness of his heart (that sounds strange), Sakura-chan totally ditches him for me, and I become Hokage on the spot… or something"

"Sounds kind of stupid, doesn't it, Naruto?"

"I suppose. It's about the same feasibility of me leaving the village, because everybody hates me. Hell, nearly everybody hates me right now! Well, maybe Iruka-sensei… Tsunade… Actually, I think all the genins seem all right with me… then there's you…"

"See, Naruto? Not so alone after all."

"I guess. I still think Sakura-chan's going to slap me or something"

"Well. I think this scenario is kind of turning interesting, even if it sounds kind of ludicrous. So what do you think would have happened after you left?" Kakashi prodded. This was quickly turning into the stuff of stories.

Naruto pondered a bit. It was kind of hard to imagine himself suddenly quitting the whole Hokage thing. Who the hell didn't want to be Hokage? Seriously, he already did Rasengan in a week, that should mean something.

Anyways, Naruto reasoned that he'd probably make his way through the forest, starving and stuff. Then he'd wake up in an isolated village or something, like in the stories. Of course this would be an awesome village full of super powerful guys that would be all sad at Naruto's story and all that (minus details of being sealed with mass-murdering psychotic furball), so they'd take him in and train him to be REALLY AWESOME, and learn lots of awesome techniques.

So in a few years, he'd be an ass-kicking, flying, awesome ninja who could kick the Akatsuki's ass, and get lots of women, if he wanted. So he'd probably return to Konoha in disguise. Of course he'd kick everybody's ass in the Chunnin Exams, or something, and then surprise everybody again by revealing his true self. Of course, by then Sasuke would be all like "You're so awesome Naruto! The Uchiha are in your debt!", and Sakura-chan would be all like "Naruto! I want you babies!"

So Naruto would get his girl, and they'd all be happy and stuff. Plus he'd waste the asses of those Akatsuki bastards and stuff. And be Hokage after all this.

"And, I'd declare a National Ramen Day." Naruto triumphantly finished.

"Hmm… apart from that, it was sort of amusing."

"Hey! I bet if everyone tried, everybody would love Ramen!"

"Just a question…"

"Yeah?"

"What if Sakura still liked Sasuke by the time you returned?"

"Eh… I'd figure something out?"

"Hmm… what if there was another girl who shouted that whole "Have my babies thing"? Say, Hinata?"

"Hinata?" Naruto laughed, "Her? She's so shy! Heck, everytime she talks to me, she's always blushing and looking away! Talk about shy! Anyways, why did you think of her?"

Kakashi sort of shrugged. "Just the first person to came to my mind…"

"Ah shit."

"What is it Naruto?"

"We're here."

Lo and behold, there the two of them stood in front of the gates into Konoha. To Naruto, it generally meant hell and death by Sakura-chan, as sweet as she was. Naruto was sure it wasn't that bad, but after all that assuming…

Naruto gulped. And wondered if he should pray.

"Hey guys! We're back with Sasuke!" Kakashi cheerfully called upward.

Goddamnit! FuckshitdmanI'mdeaddamnfuckshitgoddman.

Naruto's internal swearing increased a thousand-fold when the doors started to creak open. So by the end it sounded something like "Fushida!Fushida!Fushida!-etc."

"Oh my god…"

There was Sakura, first person to be at the open gate. She had her hands covering her mouth, eyes wide, slightly wet. It was probable she was there the entire time.

Predictably, she ran and crouched by Sasuke's side, who lay motionless in the stretcher that arrived.

Predictably, she turned her head ever so slightly so that she could give that evil,evil,evil gleam out of the corner of her eye, directed at Naruto.

Fushidafushidsfushida!

Naruto sweated, "Eh… don't worry Sakura-chan? He's still alive?"

Predictably, she gave that dark glare that exuded real anger and strode over to Naruto, drew her palm back and smashed it full on into Naruto's face.

Even though he was sort of expecting that, it was a real heart-felt slap. One that really meant what it was meant for, not those times when Sakura-chan did her "sort of" beating up, out of annoyance and sort of out of habit, never out of pure anger.

That thought made Naruto's eye water more than the pain.

This is the part where you go…"S-Sakura-chan? What was that for…?"

This is the part where she goes "Goddamnit! Naruto! Why did you hurt Sasuke-kun! I hate you so much! I wish you were dead- "Goddamnit! Naruto! You scared me!" She sobbed as she grabbed onto the front of what was left of his orange jacket.

"…What?"

"You had me waiting so long, getting me all worried… what if one of you got killed? What would happen to our team if the both of you didn't come back? God, you scared me so much! Look at you two! You're both so…

Something inside of Naruto relaxed finally. It was probably the lungs releasing the held breath, "Aren't you upset about Sasuke?"

"I am… but you also went through so much… you promised you'd bring him back…" Sakura gave a sort of misshapen smile, "I guess it's sort of like you to go overboard. Thanks for keeping your promise… and for coming back, Naruto."

So the sun was shining and Naruto was jumping for joy. This also concluded that angry villagers wouldn't come to try and tear his head off, and he wouldn't have to run away and live in an isolated village and learn lots of awesome techniques. Motherfucker.

Kakashi decided to cut in now, "Now now, Sakura. Naruto's got to get to the hospital…"

"One more thing. Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"You have no idea how worried you got me. So I'll help you."

"Eh?"

"After you and Sasuke get out of that Hospital, I'm going to make you wish you were never born."

Sakura cracked her knuckles.

"Um… Kakashi-sensei… you wouldn't happen to know any isolated, far-away villages, would you?"

"No can do, sorry Naruto."

"Shit."

End.

A/N: Something I threw out in a day, because I wanted to. I mean, I read a lot of stories where Naruto gets slapped after bringing Sasuke back and all that. But does it always have to be for the same reason?

Shrug.

By the way, I'm technically with Naru/Hina, Sasu/Saku, Generic/Generic, couplings, you understand? But you have to admit at times, Sakura seems to have it bad for Naruto these days. You can't help it.

I don't bash characters either. Character bashing is a waste of talent. And there's nothing wrong with Sasuke's new design. Oh no, man pecks and a cord around his waist, Masashi's finally smoking weed, we're all gonna die.

(Sasuke's costume billows out all awesome-like in the wind and shit. Shit.)

Shrug.

For the most part, I only originally conceived the bit after Naruto returns, so of course it seems kind of weird it moves from humorous to dramatic and mushy to poorly ended. I was pretty much writing on my feet.

Nehways… yeah. I did seem to have the character's swear a lot, huh? I suppose expletives are the best form of expressing that range of motion.

Shrug.