A/N- Oh my... I've been dead so long. And I can't remember how to write! AW! lol. Well, let's try and do some exercise, shall we? One two and three!

Edit: August 28, 2009

I have corrected all mistakes in this story now, how plentiful they were. I hope this version is better and much more readable. Please enjoy.

Oh… and p.s- I in no way think that domestic violence is funny.

Of Birds and Butts

Tokyobabe2040 and Chia

Slowly, oh so very slowly, he moved his hand toward the door knob, being extra careful not to make a sound. Any sound. He knew if he even breathed to loudly the person behind the door would hear him and that would be the end for the young blond hero. He scowled as he picked his foot up and tentatively set it back on the ground, slowly and steadily. Something that was unheard of for the Uzumaki boy to do.

Naruto breathed in an uneven pattern, some breaths deeper than other and some not enough to fill his lungs. He had to stay quiet and if that meant sacrificing his air supply he would just have to do it. He was a ninja damn it! He chewed his bottom lip as he finally made it to the side o the door. Close enough to reach out and grab the brass knob that would allow him access to the pit beyond the door.

He had made it so far and yet he still had the hardest part of the task to accomplish before moving on to the next portion of his oh so important mission. He reached out to the door knob and wrapped his sweaty hands around it, giving himself a firm grip. Slowly he began to turn the doorknob so as what was inside the room would not know he was coming in. Sweat poured down his brow and made Naruto feel sticky and even more nervous. He wiped his fore head and took a deep, long breath, preparing himself for the vicious monster behind the door.

Then, as fast as lightning, he ripped the door open, adrenalin pumping through his veins. He let out a fearsome battle cry as he charged into the room. Running in the room he screamed, in a voice worthy or bloody murder, "Damned bird! Get over here and accept your fate which is in my belly!"

Naruto lunged at the bird which immediately squawked and spread it's wings. It flew from it's spot on the book case, past Naruto and out the door. Naruto growled loudly and began following the bird, running like a man who hadn't eaten in approximately...8 days. But hey, maybe that's because he hadn't. In fact he hadn't eaten in 9 days 4hours 35 minutes and 12 seconds. Yes Naruto was hungry and had discovered that there had been nothing to eat in his... "House" so he began the hunt. At first he had tried stealing food from random places he saw but found that the shop keepers were very wary of him. So, after 3 hours and no food to show for his hard work, Naruto had seen the most delicious thing he had seen in ages. A fat, brown pigeon, never mind the fact that it's right eye was swollen to the size of a golf ball. That even looked scrumptious to the food deprived child.

So now here Naruto was, chasing after the either deformed or sickly bird, ready to eat it with out any question as to where it has been or why it's eye was so big, red and had puss spewing from it's pupil. He continued after the fowl, running at top speed all the while screaming and cursing as he ran down the busy Konoha road. "I'll get you, you pigeon! And when I do it's down the hatch and in my gut!"

Then, in an instant, the bird turned around and glared at the blond boy. Narrowing its eyes, even the ill one which caused it to seep more puss out of the pupils dark depths. Slowly the bird began flying toward the child, preparing itself for an amazing attack.

Naruto grinned when he saw the pigeon coming at him. He said arrogantly," Hah! Finally accepted your fate have you? Well good, it only hurts you longer if we continue this fiasco." When the bird began picking up it's speed Naruto dropped his cocky grin and looked at the thing confused. It was coming at him! He turned and began running. Apparently the tables had been turned and Naruto was now the pray of this evilly, sickly bird. He ran, crying the whole time, " I was just playing Mr. Birdie, honest! I wasn't really gonna eat you, I swear! Please let me go!"

But the bird was on a mission. This bird wanted to get Naruto back for making it move away from the old lady on the park bench who had been feeding it bread for the last 56 years! He wanted revenge, and the bird wanted it to be a fair trade. It began diving from the sky, locked onto some part of Naruto's body. And before Naruto knew it, a bird had launched itself into his butt, causing him to fall to the ground screaming in pain.

xox

Naruto hobbled to where his two team mates and master were already training, carefully taking step after step. He made his way over to the three slowly, and his appearance caused them to stop everything they were doing, and to look at him in pity, shock, and horror.

"Naruto, what happened to you!" Sakura squeaked and she looked at the boy in some what disgust. He was a mess. Covered in bird poo and bruises. Cuts adorned his tattered body and his cloths were ripped and torn in places much like a kunia knife would do. He hobbled as if he had injuries to both his legs and held his left arm gently, as if it were hurting horribly.

"Bird...Attack...Hungry...Up butt...Painful... Wanna go home..." he said incoherently as he fell forward onto the ground under a tree. His master and female team member immediately ran to help him, but the third member of this party stayed where he had been, staring at the boy before. 'I only know one thing that could have happened to him...' the child thought, looking at his friend with wide eyes and a scared face.

"He's out cold..." Kakashi said as he turned Naruto over onto his back. "Well now... Someone pulled a number on him now didn't they." The Copy Nin smiled good naturedly at the other two as he examined Naruto's wounds.

But Sasuke wasn't taking this lightly... Not at all. He knew what had happened to the boy and knew how traumatized he must now be. He knew the pain that had happened to Naruto. He knew that Itachi had attacked his best friend. But if that was the case, that meant Itachi was here. In the city. Sasuke immediately became paranoid, looking all around himself suspiciously. He knew Itachi was an experienced nin and had many talents. One of them being the art of disguise….

Sasuke's eyes widened as he ran a complete circle. 'I have to watch my own back since I can't trust anyone else to.' He continued trying to watch his own back, going in circles as he attempted to do the impossible.

Sakura looked up from Naruto's body and stared at her Adonis, her light, her sun, her soon to be future husband and cocked an eyebrow. "Sasuke-kun... What are you doing?" she asked the teen heart throb as she watched him spin around in circles for some unknown reason.

The Uchiha immediately stopped his constant spinning motion and looked at Sakura; his pupil's dilated skin pale and looking rather psychotic for a guy she wanted to bed even though she was only 13.004 years old. He tilted his head to the side and his eyes and mouth twitched slightly, making the pink haired girl nervous and flinch. "Sasuke-kun, what's wrong? Are you okay?" She took a step toward him and discovered that was the worst mistake of her life.

The Uchiha jumped onto the girl and began pummeling her with fist after fist, blow after blow. The girl screamed as her perfect Sasuke-kun hit her over and over again for some unknown reason. "Kakashi-sensei! Help me!" the girl cried from beneath the crazed black haired beauty.

Kakashi sat there a moment, contemplating if he really, I mean really, wanted to save his female students life. Thoughts of all the dirty and girlish tricks she had played on him over the last two years passed through his mind and he almost let Sasuke finish the job he had started when one thought popped into his head. 'You are responsible for these children Kakashi. If one of them dies, think of yourself as such, dead.' the words of the Hokage played in his ears and he sighed, accepting the fact that she needed saved and he had to be the one to do so.

The copy nin stood and approached the wailing Sasuke, picked him up by his overly large collar and said, "Sasuke, why are you hitting Sakura? You aren't married! That's not allowed until you're married..." The jounin set Sasuke down away from the horrified Sakura and helped the pink haired girl up.

Sasuke looked confused. He looked at his master in puzzlement. "So... Sakura isn't Itachi in disguise?" the boy asked extremely in a childish sounding voice.

"No," the purple/silver haired nin said, looking slightly... confizzled is the best word for the look on Kakashi's face. "Sakura is not Itachi in disguise."

"Ohhh..." the child said looking down at the ground, an enlightened look appearing over his features."I see..." He said his words dragging out, sounding even more childish than his last remark. "Well if Sakura isn't Itachi that means," the boy looked up from the ground and stared right into Kakashi's face, an evil grin appearing over his features, "YOU ARE!"

Kakashi was shocked and slightly hurt when his pupil grabbed a hold of his hair and began slamming his face into the ground repeatedly. He wore his "confizzled" look once more as he felt his face, "eat dirt" as Sasuke so sweetly put it. Kakashi stopped Sasuke's onslaught on his face and restrained him, pulling his arms behind his back he then kicked the man-child to the groud letting him "eat dirt".

"Sasuke..." Kakashi said slowly and calmly sounding as he would if he were coaxing a crack head to put down the gun and let go of his crotch. "I'm not Itachi. Sakura isn't Itachi. Itachi is not here in Konha. He is somewhere with Kisame, they are probably looking up male pregnancy on the internet at the moment, hoping to revive the Uchiha clan. Calm down..."

"Ohhh..." he said once more. He looked at the ground and then to Kakashi and then to Sakura. Then like a mongoose on crack, he jumped Sakura once more, an onslaught which had Sakura crying loudly in pain, both physical and mental.

Kakashi pulled the crazed Uchiha off the quivering girl. "Sasuke that's not Itachi! Chill out!"

"How do I know this for certain?! What if it is Itachi Master Kakashi!" the boy squealed as he tried to release himself from the elder man's grip.

"Sasuke look at her." the Cyclops stated exasperation dripping from his voice. Sasuke did as his master commanded and looked at the girl. "Would Itachi be crying tears of betrayal and hurt? Tears that could only come from her Adonis, her light, her sun, her moon, her-" Kakashi continued on and on with what Sasuke was to Sakura and finally ended after about three hours of description and such. "Would Itachi, Would he?"

Sasuke finally came to his senses and said plainly in a voice that held no emotion what so ever to the broken girl, "Sorry."

Sakura turned to stone at his uncaring words. That's it? That's all her had to say? In a voice of pure apathy and unmeaning, all he had to say was "sorry"? This couldn't be happening. It couldn't be true. Sasuke was supposed to look pained and hurt and apologize to her in a poetic stanza of some sort. Hell, she would have even settled for a look of apology at this point. Not the stone cold gaze and a unmeant, "sorry"! Her eyes dimmed as she looked at her long time obsession, disappointment all over her features she continued to cry and looked away from the boy she had kept in her hopes for years. Suddenly, her world seemed to crumble from all around her, leaving her in a darkness that only the broken hearts know.

Kakashi sighed knowing that angsty stuff was being written about Sakura and prayed this didn't turn into a drama fic. He looked around the area and then remembered Naruto, lying on the ground, hurt... rather badly too. He walked over to the blond boy and knelt down examining him a little closer. Then, he picked up a stick and began poking the Naruto fox child. When he began to twitch Kakashi sighed again and picked him up. "Come on you two, we need to get him to the hospital..."

With that the three walked off, taking the poor child to the hospital, one upset, one confused, and the tallest annoyed.

Elsewhere Ealier that day...

The shark faced man laughed so hard he almost spit up his stomach. He jumped around in the air clutching his abdomen as he continued to laugh. Four minutes later he did in fact, puke his stomach. He slowly recovered and sucked his stomach back where it belonged, in his body. He breathed heavily as he walked over to his team mate and sat down next to him, still laughing slightly. "You've got to teach me how to do that Itachi... It's great! So... Funny..." he trailed off again into more laughter.

Itachi looked at the blue guy sitting next to him, his face completely emotionless as usual. How was that funny to the guy? What made THAT so funny? Itachi found it boring after doing it to the 4th person but Kisame continued to enjoy himself immensely. "Kisame... What is so amusing about a bird flying up somebody's butt?"

THE END

...or is it?

A/N- Yeah... This took me a little while to write. Only because I kept getting tired. Anyway this is my "Hi everyone. I'm not dead I just took a three year vacation because I didn't have a computer for three years! No biggie right?"

But this is my first (posted) Naruto fic so I thought I'd make it humor. That's always the most fun to write. One shot also makes it easy seeing as I won't have to update it. Unless I add more that is. If I do add more it will be just like this, random with absolutely no meaning whatsoever... Sasuke was so much fun to right today. My God, I can't believe this took me 3days to right this.