Title: Hypnosis
Author: MegTDJ
Category: Humour; action/adventure
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Spoilers: Vague spoilers for late season 4.
Summary: Jack and Daniel are laid up in the infirmary when they realize all is not as it should be.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1, its universe and its characters are not mine. The story itself is, however, so please don't archive without my permission.

Author's notes: For Kerri, 'cause I've been promising her a purely Jack/Daniel friendship fic for ages. I hope you enjoy it, hun. :)

Loads of thanks to Misty and Julie.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Hypnosis

"Daniel, if you yawn one more time, so help me God..."

Daniel looked at Jack with a bewildered expression on his face as his latest yawn came to an ungraceful end. "What?"

"The yawning. Cut it out already."

"I can't help it. This stuff's made me lethargic," Daniel said, scratching his leg for the umpteenth time.

It took all of Jack's energy to resist yawning and scratching right along with him, and this made him even grumpier. "Stop scratching, too," he snapped, swatting Daniel's hand away from his leg. "You'll only make it worse."

"Yes, Mom." Daniel stifled another yawn and sat back against his pillows. "How long do you suppose this is going to last, anyway?" he said, his head flopping back as though he didn't have the energy to hold it up any longer.

Jack looked down at the cards in his hands. "Dunno," he said. "Hopefully not long enough that you actually win a game of Gin."

Daniel huffed a laugh and raised his head to give Jack a rashy glare. "You cheat."

"Do not."

"Do so."

Jack sighed and threw his cards down on the bed. He couldn't believe how badly this day was going. First he and Daniel had fallen into a patch of alien nettles that had released some kind of weird toxin into their bodies, and then he'd had to endure ten hours of boredom in the infirmary with only Daniel and occasionally Doc Fraiser for company.

Not that he wanted more company than that at the moment - the last he'd seen of Carter, she'd been trying not to laugh her face off at the state he and Daniel were in thanks to the Nettles From Hell. If Daniel's face was anything to go by, his rash hadn't started to fade yet. He could do without being the laughing stock of the entire base.

"Don't want to play cards?" he said as he eased off Daniel's bed. "We won't play cards."

"Suits me fine," Daniel said, settling back against his pillows again and closing his eyes.

"Fine." Jack waddled over to his bed and carefully climbed into it. He groaned as he lay down and pulled the covers over his legs. He hadn't thought it was possible to itch and hurt on every square inch of his body at the same time, but it was definitely happening now.

He was ready and willing to die.

"Funny how tired you can be and still not sleep, isn't it?" Daniel said a minute later.

Jack sighed. "Do you really have to speak? I'm trying to rest here."

"Sorry."

Jack rolled his eyes and shifted position. Just as he started to relax, he heard Daniel yawn again. "Daniel..."

"Sorry," Daniel said mid-yawn.

Jack finally had to give in and yawn along with him. "Dammit," he said when he'd finished. This was officially getting on his nerves.

"Hey," Daniel said a moment later. "Do you hear that?"

Jack paused to listen, but heard nothing. "What?"

Daniel looked over at him with a look of concentration on his face. At least it would have looked like a look of concentration if it weren't for the rash. It was rather distracting, and made any facial expression look nothing short of ridiculous. "It's... quiet," he said.

Jack shrugged, but regretted it when it set off another wave of itching across his shoulders. "So?"

"So... this is the infirmary. It's never this quiet."

Jack narrowed his eyes at Daniel, but strained his ears to pick up on the slightest of noises. He had to admit, it was rather an eerie silence that greeted him.

"I haven't seen any nurses about in a while, either," Daniel said, leaning forward nervously. "Where is everybody?"

"Press your call button," Jack suggested.

"Yeah, and tell them what? 'Sorry for interrupting whatever important work you were doing, Nurse, but Colonel O'Neill and I are experiencing some form of separation anxiety and wanted to be sure you were close at hand'?"

Jack glared at him. "Fine. Wait until somebody shows up, and then ask them where they've been."

Daniel sat back again, but he seemed uncertain. Jack kept an eye on him for the next couple of minutes, and he seemed to be growing more and more nervous by the second, his gaze darting around the empty infirmary every few moments as though hoping someone had popped up out of the concrete.

"To hell with it," Jack finally grumbled, and pressed his call button.

Thirty seconds passed, and nobody answered the call.

Jack pressed the button again. Still no answer.

"That's weird," Jack muttered, pushing his blankets aside and carefully getting out of bed. He hobbled over to the open doorway across the room and peeked out into the hall. "Daniel?" he said.

"What is it?" Daniel asked nervously.

Jack turned around to look at him. "We appear to be alone."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Jack would have kicked the intercom if he hadn't known it would send a shockwave of itchiness up his leg. He'd tried summoning help to the infirmary at least a dozen times. Either the damn thing wasn't working, or there was nobody left on the base to answer it.

The second option was something he would rather not consider.

He shuffled back to his bed and grabbed his robe. "That's it," he said. "I'm going to see what's happening out there."

"Wait," Daniel said, looking even more nervous than ever. "You're not just gonna leave me here, are you?"

Jack shot him a disgusted look. "What are you, three?"

"Something... bad might have happened!" Daniel said, climbing out of his bed and grabbing his own robe. "We should stick together."

On some level, Jack had been eager to get away from Daniel for a little while, but he did have a point. If something weird was going on, they needed to watch each other's backs. "Alright," he said, feigning an air of reluctance. "But just... keep your mouth shut."

Daniel mimed zipping his mouth closed and held up his hands as if in surrender. Then he went to take a step, and swayed a little until he reached out to grab the edge of his bed.

"Oy," Jack said with a sigh. "Try to stay on your feet, too. Let's go."

He led the way over to the door and hesitated there for a few seconds until Daniel caught up to him. Then they headed out into the corridor.

Jack felt semi-naked without some kind of weapon, so he grabbed a nearby scalpel just in case. He couldn't explain why, but he had a really bad feeling about this.

"I've got a really bad feeling about this," Daniel stage-whispered as they walked along, holding onto the wall of the corridor for support.

"Shhh!" Jack ordered, raising his finger to his lips. "Can't you keep your mouth shut for five minutes?"

Daniel looked chastened and ducked his head apologetically. "Sorry."

Jack shook his head and started walking faster. This nettle stuff was making Daniel even weirder than usual, so he was anxious to find out what was going on and get him back to the infirmary before he did something completely idiotic.

Like plow into a cart full of medical supplies.

Daniel's face went even redder beneath his rash and he looked like he was about to explode with expletives as he leaned against the wall and lifted his leg to cradle his foot in his hands.

"For cryin' out loud, Daniel, what the hell are you doing?"

"Breaking my toe," Daniel answered breathlessly. He squeezed his eyes shut and made a hissing sound through his teeth. "God, that hurt!"

"If you can't follow me silently, you're gonna have to go back in there and wait," Jack snapped.

"Come on, Jack, it's not like anybody's around to hear it," Daniel said, going back to his usual rashy-red as the pain started to wear off.

"You assume."

Daniel made a face and started limping past him.

Jack shoved him back and went ahead of him. No way he was letting Daniel lead the way.

They reached the elevator without further incident, and Jack reached into his pocket for his access card. When he discovered that pocket was empty, he tried the other pocket. Which was also empty.

"Dammit."

"Looking for this?" Daniel held his own access card under Jack's nose.

Jack snatched it out of his hand, only just resisting the urge to smack the smug look off Daniel's face. He swiped the card through the reader, and seconds later the elevator door swung open.

Daniel took his card back just before Jack automatically pocketed it. "Where are we going?" he asked.

Jack pressed the button for Level 27. "Thought we'd check the control room first," he said as the door closed and the elevator started moving. "If something weird is happening, whoever's there will be able to tell us what."

"And... if nobody's there?"

"Then we should be there anyway. Somebody's gotta watch the gate."

Daniel nodded, seemingly satisfied with this answer. To Jack's relief, he stayed silent for the rest of the short elevator ride and their walk down the Level 27 corridor.

Climbing the steps leading up to the control room took a lot of effort for both of them, as simply walking was enough to aggravate the never ending, all-encompassing itchiness, and stair-climbing made the muscle pain a hundred times worse. Because of this, they'd reached the top of the steps before they realized there was no one there.

"What the hell is going on here?" Jack demanded of the air as he turned around in a full circle to take in every corner of the abandoned room.

Daniel gaped along with him and staggered towards the chair by the dialling computer to sit down.

Though he never actually made it to the sitting down part. When he got close enough to look through the window into the gateroom, his jaw dropped even lower. "Uh... Jack?"

Jack joined him at the window, and blinked in disbelief at what he saw.

Everyone on the entire base was crowded into the gateroom, staring at a device at the base of the ramp that was putting on an all-too-familiar light show.

"Ah, crap."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

"Jack... this is bad."

"Well, thank you for stating the obvious, Daniel." Jack surveyed the crowd in the gateroom anxiously. At first he'd thought they were just entranced by the light, but now it was obvious that it was much more serious than that.

"They look completely hypnotized," Daniel said.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Yes, Daniel. They do. Thank you for pointing it out."

Daniel shot him a dark look and went back to waving his hand in people's faces.

Jack spied Teal'c across the room, and figured if he could get through to anybody, it would be the man with the Goa'uld in his gut. He squeezed past the people in between them, wincing every time he brushed against somebody and received a fresh wave of insects crawling across his skin. When he finally got to Teal'c, he grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him a stern shake. "Teal'c. Wake up, buddy. Come on, snap out of it already."

"I don't think they can snap out of it," Daniel said, suddenly appearing at Jack's side.

Jack jumped and whirled around angrily to face him. "Well, what are we supposed to do, Daniel? Just leave everybody standing here?"

Daniel shook his head and rubbed his forehead wearily. "I don't know," he said. "I guess we need to turn off that... whatever it is."

"That would probably be a good idea, yeah," Jack said, making his way through the sea of people again in the direction of the device. Then he stopped. "Wait... why aren't we staring at that thing?" he asked.

Daniel looked thoughtful. "Maybe... you have to touch it?"

"Nah, there's no way everybody here touched that thing," Jack said. "Maybe we just haven't looked at it close enough yet."

"Maybe we're already loopy enough from this toxin," Daniel said with a chuckle.

Jack gave him an odd look. It sounded pretty outlandish, but... he could be right. He gave himself a mental shake and started for the device again. "Well, whatever the reason," he said, "we haven't been affected yet. Let's figure out how to shut this thing off before we are."

"Right."

That seemed to be easier said than done when they finally began to examine the device. Something about the thing made Jack's thoughts go all jumbled up and confused whenever he went near it, and he could tell it was affecting Daniel the same way. They both had to stop to close their eyes and concentrate every few seconds just to keep track of what they were doing.

"Obviously the, um... toxin... doesn't, uh... wow," Daniel said, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head sharply.

Jack nodded. "Yeah. Can you read this?" he asked, pointing to the writing on the side of the device.

Daniel looked at it for a long moment, but no recognition entered his eyes. In fact, it was pretty much a blank stare.

Jack thwacked his shoulder. "Hey!" he shouted. "Don't go zombie on me now."

Daniel flinched and scratched his shoulder where Jack had hit him. "Alright, alright," he said, blinking hard a few times and then getting back to the writing. "Um... I think it's Goa'uld."

"Well, I could have guessed that," Jack said. "Can you translate it?"

"Um... it, uh... oh." He straightened up and scratched behind his ear. "I think it's a warning."

Jack sagged a little in disappointment. "Let me guess... 'If you can read this, you're standing too close'?"

"Something like that."

"So... now what? Shoot it?"

Daniel gave him an 'are you out of your mind!' look. "We don't even know what it is!" he cried. "It could be a... a bomb or something for all we know."

"A hypnotic bomb?" Jack said doubtfully.

"Yeah... it... draws people to it before it... blows them up."

"Right. Good one, Daniel." Jack was about to scoff some more about this idea when the sound of the gate activating attracted his attention. "What the..."

"The iris," Daniel said, moving off towards the control room as quickly as he could.

Jack dropped his scalpel, grabbed a gun from a nearby SF, and waited for the kawhoosh. "This day just keeps on getting better," he muttered. He glanced behind him when the last chevron locked to see if Daniel had reached the control room, but he couldn't even tell whether he'd left the gateroom yet. "Crap... here we go," he said, bracing himself for the worst.

Seconds later, the device made a weird buzzing sound, and the coloured lights shifted hue. He was pretty sure it wasn't just a coincidence that this happened as soon as the gate activated. "Any time now, Daniel!" he yelled.

Too late. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, a figure burst through the event horizon.

Jaffa.

Jack opened fire the second he saw him, and as the Jaffa obviously hadn't been expecting anybody to be waiting on the other side with a gun, he was easily taken down. Unfortunately, he wasn't alone. Two more came through on his heels.

"Dammit, Daniel!" Jack cried as he continued firing.

One more Jaffa fell, but the other managed to fire his zat before Jack could shoot him. Jack pulled his trigger even as the zat blast struck him square in the chest.

The last thing he heard as he fell to the ground in agony was the sound of the iris closing and Jaffa armour hitting the ramp.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Jack dragged his eyelids open to find himself looking up at the infirmary ceiling. It took him a moment to get his bearings and remember what had happened to put him here. Nettles... hypnotic device... Jaffa... zat...

"Daniel?" he said, fighting back his blankets to sit up in the bed and looking around for signs of life.

"Right here," Daniel said from the next bed over, lifting his hand in a half-hearted wave.

"What happened?" Jack demanded. "Did you disable it?"

Daniel's face screwed up in confusion. "Disable what?"

"That weird hypnosis thing," Jack said. He stopped to listen for a moment, and heard distant sounds of activity in another part of the infirmary. He finally relaxed. "I guess you must have."

"Jack, what the hell are you talking about? Have you been hallucinating again?"

"Hallucinating? No, we were..." His voice trailed off before he could finish his sentence. God, he hadn't just dreamed the whole thing had he?

"Jack? Are you okay?"

Jack sighed and lay back against his pillows. "Just peachy," he said. "But I can tell you this... the next time we come across a planet with freaky alien plant life, I don't care what kind of treasures you find there, we're high-tailing it back to Earth."

He turned on his side away from Daniel before he had a chance to reply. "Hypnosis," he muttered in disgust. "Next time I'd better hallucinate something cool."

A minute or so passed in silence, and Jack was just starting to drift off to sleep when Daniel spoke again.

"Hey, Jack?" he said. "Do you hear that?"

Jack groaned and buried his head under his pillow. "Not again..."

The End