Am I Max or Am I Max?
Larrabee looked up from his desk. "86, the Chief is waiting for you and 99. He has an important case for you."
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 of Control, stopped in front of the desk, his wife, Agent 99, behind him.
"Good morning, Larrabee." He picked up a peculiar object from the desk. "What's this, Larrabee?" It was a plastic fork and knife taped together with duct tape. The fork was on one end and the knife's serrated edge on the other.
"The Chief said I could move up in Control if I showed some initiative, Max. So I'm becoming an inventor. The Lab could use me."
"You still didn't tell me what this is, Larrabee."
"Max, it's a backscratcher. If I'm hungry, it doubles as a knife and fork. And if I meet a KAOS agent, I have a weapon."
Max raised an eyebrow and looked at him dubiously. "Very inventive, Larrabee," he said dryly. "Keep up the good work."
"Thanks, Max. You can go right in."
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"Hello, Max, 99, sit down….I have an interesting but dangerous case for you," said the Chief.
Max sat on the edge of the Chief's desk and pulled out a cigarette from his cigarette case and lit it. 99 sat down across from the Chief.
"What's going on, Chief?" asked 99.
"NASA is having some trouble with the space-time continuum."
"Chief, is this Top Secret? Shouldn't we use the Cone of Silence?"
"Max…." The Chief's voice trailed off and he looked resigned." OK, Max, you're right as usual." Max pulled up an office chair next to 99 and sat down. The Chief pushed a button on his desk and a double plastic bubble descended slowly and covered both sides of the desk, the Chief on one side and Max and 99 on the other.
"Max, as I started to say, NASA is having some trouble with the space-time continuum."
"The space-time contin-huh?" asked Max, looking blank. The smoke from his cigarette was filling up the Cone of Silence and it was getting hard to see. 99 started to cough.
"Max, remember your physics? Einstein's Theory of Relativity?" The words echoed in the Cone of Silence, making it difficult to understand.
"Eh?" said Max. "I didn't catch that. You'll have to speak up Chief."
"Max," shouted the Chief. "Einstein! E=mc squared!"
"I resent that, Chief! I am NOT a square!"
The Chief pushed the button to raise the Cone of Silence. Instead the Cone started going from side to side and the agents had to push their wheeled office chairs back and forth to keep up. The Chief pushed the button frantically and the Cone finally ascended back to the ceiling.
"All right, Max. Because this is Top Secret, I will write out the pertinent information for you and 99." He took a few minutes to write out the information.
99 took her piece of paper, read it and burned it in the ashtray on the Chief's desk. Max put his piece of paper in his mouth, chewed and swallowed it. He made a face. "Chief, you need to get better-tasting paper."
"Max, you didn't read it!" said the Chief.
"It was Top Secret!" said Max.
"99, please fill him in on your way over to NASA."
"Yes, Chief," said 99. "Where are we going, Cape Kennedy? Huntsville, Alabama? Pasadena?…Greenbelt, Maryland is the closest."
"No, 99. Much closer. It's just down the street from Control. In the top secret section of Washington."
"There isn't any NASA headquarters down the street from us in Washington!" said Max.
"It's a secret, Max."
"Oh."
"Here is the address, 99 and the password to give at the door." The Chief handed her a piece of paper. "And yes, Max, you can eat the paper…AFTER you arrive!"
Max got up, but caught his foot in the bottom of the office chair and it rolled across the room with his foot still stuck in it. It stopped abruptly when it hit the wall. Max extricated himself and stood up. "Chief, you need to get different chairs; these are dangerous!"
"No, Max, YOU'RE dangerous! Now get out of here!" The Chief's face was turning colors again.
Max turned around to walk out the door but managed to hit his head on the wall next to the door instead.
99 could see the Chief had had it with Max this morning. She grabbed Max's arm. "Let's go, love!" she whispered as she pulled him out the door.
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Max and 99 drove the few blocks to the secret NASA location.
"Max, I have to fill you in on the case," said 99. "Like the Chief said, there is trouble with the space-time continuum."
"I know he keeps saying that, 99, but wouldn't it be better to have a scientist work on something like that?"
"We think KAOS is involved. It looks as though they have plans to steal one of NASA's top secret inventions. And the invention is malfunctioning."
"And they want us to fix it?" said Max, incredulously.
"No, Max. We need to find out who the KAOS agents are and to stop them from stealing the invention. They will tell us more over at NASA."
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When the Control agents arrived at NASA, they were given clearance badges and introduced to Dr. Green, a tall, middle-aged man with a lab coat over his dark suit.
"What's the story, Dr. Green?" asked Max.
"Follow me, I'll show you the invention."
The Smarts followed Dr. Green down a long sterile corridor to a door with a keypad and a finger scan. Dr. Green punched in some numbers, inserted his finger and the keypad beeped. The door opened.
Max and 99 walked into a large room with a computer console full of buttons and lights. A technician was working under it. A few feet away was an empty area with several steps leading up to a platform. On the platform floor were eight circles and a round apparatus installed in the ceiling directly above each circle.
Dr. Green explained that the platform and console comprised a device to move objects and people from one place to another with the speed of light.
"Dr. Green, this looks familiar. Where have I seen this before?" asked Max.
"Dr. Eugene, the inventor, said he picked up the idea from a TV show. I wouldn't know which one," said Dr. Green. "You need to have a console and platform at each end of the transport. We have several installed serving all of our U.S. facilities."
"It sounds marvelous!" said 99. "Why it must save thousands in transportation costs alone!"
"And it looks like fun, too!" said Max.
"The problem is that it's been acting up. The payloads don't always arrive at their destination. Sometimes the device goes on spontaneously. We have lost at least 5 payloads recently. The device is now off limits for transporting personnel til this can be corrected." Dr. Green whispered to 99, "We are concerned about sabotage!"
Max was conducting his own investigation, scanning for bugs or anything unusual. He walked up the steps of the platform as Dr. Green was talking to 99. Max stood on one of the circles and saw that it wasn't painted on the floor, but contained a shiny surface under which you could see computer parts and tiny, glowing lights.
Suddenly Max saw a flicker and looked around him. A tube of light enclosed him and shimmered around him. For a moment he seemed to blink in and out of consciousness. He thought he heard 99 yell, "Max!" and jump on the platform herself. But he wasn't sure. He heard a humming and the light grew brighter. For a moment, he thought he was floating. Then he felt himself falling and he blacked out.
99 jumped on the platform when she saw the flicker start around Max. Dr. Green yelled after her, "Don't!" But it was too late. She watched as Max flickered in and out, standing in the tube of light. She tried to grab him off the platform, but her hand only went through his image. She felt herself fade in and out. There was nothing to hold onto and she felt dizzy. Briefly, she seemed weightless. Then she too blacked out.
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99 came to with a start. "What happened?" she said. Dr. Green was standing over her. She was on a gurney. She felt confused.
"You and your partner were both spontaneously pulled into a space-time warp. The transport device has been malfunctioning as I mentioned. I am extremely sorry to tell you this, but, unfortunately, your partner disappeared when the device came on spontaneously. We are checking all the other devices to see if anyone materialized unexpectedly…"
99 tried to sit up, startled at the news about Max's disappearance. But she fell back on the gurney, as a wave of nausea hit her.
"I have a terrible headache," she said weakly. I must have hit my head when I fell." 99 wondered if there was else wrong with her, much more than just a headache and nausea. "Did you say my partner has disappeared?" Her voice sounded strange. Maybe she was coming down with a cold.
"You need some rest. We don't know what the effects of this malfunction may be on a human being. Let me reassure you that we are searching diligently for your partner."
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Max came to gradually. His eyes were a little unfocused at first, but slowly he saw rows of beds seemingly fitted into the walls of wherever he was. There were rows of flashing lights and diagnostics above his bed. He was the only patient in the area. There was a man that he assumed to be a doctor standing nearby occupied with some strange devices. The man had black hair and was wearing black boots and trousers. The trousers had a flare to them just above the top of his boots. His shirt was blue with some type of insignia.
The man turned and smiled at Max. "Good, you're awake." His blue eyes looked kind. "The name is Dr. Leonard McCoy. Hope you're feeling a little better. Can you tell us where you are from and what your name is?"
Max sat up on the bed. He looked at his legs and saw 99's flowered pants suit, her trench coat and her flat white Mary Jane shoes on his feet. He felt her purse over his shoulder. He couldn't remember why or when he had changed clothes with her. It must be a disguise. He was confused. Why was he in a disguise and why couldn't he remember?
Dr. McCoy tried again. "How about a name, Ma'am? Do you remember anything?"
"I don't know," replied Max. His voice sounded very high and odd. He must be coming down with a cold. And why was the doctor calling him Ma'am?
"You can't remember anything?"
"Well, yes…I remember my name."
"What is it?"
"I can't tell you … it's top secret." Max was stalling for time til he could remember how he got wherever he was and why he was in disguise.
That must be some great disguise, thought Max, "I think I am having a little memory loss here," he said in that odd voice. It reminded him of someone else, but he couldn't put his finger on it.
He wondered where 99 was. "Was there another lady here with me?"
"Sorry, Ma'am. You're the only unexpected visitor we've had on the ship today.
"Eh, ship?" said Max. He wondered how he had gotten aboard a naval vessel.
"Yes, Ma'am. You're aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise. I think you should have a little more rest and some time to freshen up. I'll have Nurse Chapel take you to a guest stateroom."
Max attempted to get up and fell off the side of the diagnostic bed. It was further down than he thought and 99's shoes felt weird. He made it to the stateroom without further incident. He was exhausted and laid down on the bed to take a nap.
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Meanwhile, 99 was in the NASA medic's office laying on a bed. "Is there a bathroom close by?" she asked.
"Sure. Right in there."
99 went over to the sink to wash and looked in the mirror. She did a double take. There was Max staring back at her. She touched her face, but it was his face in the mirror. She was wearing his navy blue suit with a light blue shirt, silver cuff links, blue tie and black oxfords. She checked his pockets and found his cigarette case, his comb, his pen gun and his handkerchief. His wallet was in his inside jacket pocket. His revolver was stuck in his pants at the waist.
99 was still stunned, looking at Max's face. She tried to figure out how this happened. It must have been the malfunctioning transport device. So where was the real Max?
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Feeling better after a nap, Max decided to take off the costume. He checked the closet but there weren't any clothes in it. The makeup was making his face itchy, so he decided to take that off along with the wig. He went into the bathroom.
He looked in the mirror and saw 99 staring back at him. He turned around, expecting her to be just behind him. She wasn't there. He looked back at the mirror in amazement. He touched 99's face. It was her soft skin he touched, and her face he saw in the mirror, but he was feeling his hand touch his face. It was astonishing! Those costume people at Control were fantastic!
Max washed the makeup off his face and dried it with a towel. He tried to take off the wig. It must be stuck, he thought. He pulled harder. "Owwwww!" It was like pulling hard on his own hair. He wondered what kind of glue they had put the wig on with.
He heard a knock on the door and a swish when it opened. "Honey," called Nurse Chapel's voice. "I brought you a few of my clothes to wear. I'll just leave them on the bed. The Captain and several of the officers would like to talk to you. I'll be back for you soon." Max heard the soft swish of the automatic door again as she left the room.
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Still in the medic's bathroom, 99 took Max's shoe phone off her right foot and dialed the Chief.
"Chief, I need to see you right away," she said, in Max's voice.
"Have you found the KAOS agent at NASA yet?"
"No, not yet. Something else has come up."
"What is it, Max?"
"I'm not Max."
"What are you talking about, Max? I'd know your voice anywhere."
"Chief, I'm not Max."
"Well, who are you?"
"I'm 99, Chief. Please believe me!"
"Put 99 on the phone."
"I can't, Chief. Max is missing!"
"Max, you've pulled some weird stunts before, and I can't imagine why you are wasting my time like this. I don't know what's wrong with you, but I want a report soon. NASA is convinced there has been some sabotage. Now, Agent 13 has been looking around over there too. Check in with him; maybe he has a lead."
"Chief, please listen to me…"
"Not another word, Max!" The Chief hung up.
99 sighed. There was nothing to do but to masquerade as her husband and see what she could find out. What she really wanted to know was Where was Max?
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Max opted to put on a long flowing blue gown instead of the other outfit, a very short mini-dress. He knew his legs would get cold in that short one. He eyed the high heels warily. Well, he'd give those things a try anyway and see what would happen.
He dumped out 99's purse to see what she had with her. Her small revolver fell out. There was a makeup case with lipstick, a compact, rouge, wet makeup and eyeliner. He sighed. He supposed he would have to put that sticky stuff on again. And some of these items were secret devices too. He would check that out later.
There was a huge stash of Kleenex in 99's purse. She had a bracelet and necklace there too. He recognized them as a telephone. He put them on and pressed a button. He smiled in satisfaction when he heard the phone ring.
"This is the operator. What number, ple-ahze?
"Operator, give me Control. It's a top secret agency in Washington, D.C."
"Your telephone bill is overdue, Ma'am. I cannot connect you."
"Eh, how much do I owe on the bill?"
"$108,000,000 to get the phone turned back on. We turned it off over 300 years ago for non-payment. There will be a special fee to get that line back in service. And the interest is $336, 000,000. Why haven't you paid your bill on time, Ma'am?"
Max thought a minute. "Would you believe there was a hurricane that blew my bank away?"
"I don't think so, Ma'am."
"Would you believe I was held captive on a pirate ship for 300 years?"
"No, I wouldn't!"
"My Mommy stopped my allowance because I was bad?"
The operator hung up. Obviously the phone couldn't get through because he was 300 years in the future. Max squinted his eyes a minute, thinking hard. 300 years in the future? That couldn't be…
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99 walked back into the room with the transportation device in it.
"Mr. Smart, we hope you are feeling better," said Dr. Green, coming up to 99. "Our sincere apologies about what happened to you and your wife. We are continuing to search for her…"
"Thank you, Dr. Green," 99 said in Max's voice. She decided she could take the scientist into her confidence. Surely he would believe her. "I need to talk to you…something strange happened when I jumped on the transportation device…I'm not Maxwell Smart."
"Then who are you?" said Dr. Green.
"I'm Mrs. Smart, Agent 99."
Dr. Green looked at 99 skeptically. He said confidentially, "You know, we have a whole range of doctors here that we can put at your disposal. Dr. Felix, our psychologist, will be happy to talk to you. In fact, I strongly suggest that you see him.
99 sighed. Why wouldn't anyone believe her? Then she thought about Agent 13. 13 knew Max and 99 better than anyone except maybe the Chief. She decided to look for him.
Dr. Green watched as 99 left the transport room and said to one of his lab-coated underlings. "Keep an eye on Maxwell Smart. He's either up to something or he is a very sick man!"
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Max followed Nurse Chapel to the conference room where he hoped to find out more about where he was. Max was having trouble walking in the horrible high shoes. The spike heels kept catching in the hem of the long dress and he had a couple of near falls. Then he realized that if he grabbed the skirt and pulled it up a bit, it wouldn't catch in the heels. That still didn't help him to walk in the shoes. He was walking rather unnaturally to keep the shoes on and they were making a clattery noise. He noticed Nurse Chapel was giving him a strange look as he clomped after her. How did women walk in these things?
Dr. McCoy introduced Max to the officers. "Here is our guest. This is Captain Jim Kirk, First Officer Spock and our Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott." "Please sit down. Are you able to tell us your name?"
"Eh, not yet," said Max.
"Where are you from?" asked Captain Kirk. "And how did you manage to get aboard the Enterprise."
"Washington, D.C." replied Max. "And I don't know how I got here. I was checking on a transport device and the thing shimmered, and well, here I am." Max looked confused. "And where am I?"
Mr. Spock spoke up. "You are aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise."
Max was fascinated by Spock's pointed ears. He didn't say anything, but kept staring at them. Spock noticed and said, "I am from the Planet Vulcan. I take it that doesn't mean a thing to you. Let me show you where we are."
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99 knocked on a large trashcan. "13?" she whispered. "Are you in there?"
13 opened the top of the can and poked his head out. "Hi, 86. Whew, it's rough in there. People don't only throw paper away in these things, you know. Seems like they can't read very well….Trash doesn't include banana peels and it sure doesn't include rotten eggs…"
99 cut him off. "13, I need your help."
"What is it Max?"
"I'm not Max."
"Oh, great disguise! Who are you?"
"99."
"Bend down here, let me take a look."
99 bent down and let 13 take a good look at her face.
"Hmm, high forehead, black hair, long nose, no lips, beady eyes. You don't look like 99, Max."
"13, I'm desperate! Nobody believes that I'm 99! You're my only hope!"
"Max, you can't fool me! Hey Max, there's a couple guys acting suspiciously. They were following you ever since you came out of NASA. Ssshhhh! Here they come." 13 closed the top of the trashcan and disappeared.
99 ran over to where the red Tiger was parked. She reached in Max's right coat pocket. Bingo! The car keys. She got in and headed back to Control.
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Max followed Mr. Spock to another deck of the ship with an observation area. Max looked out on a dark sky filled with myriads of stars and planets. He was disoriented looking at it. "So are we in the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean? Or could it be the Mediterranean or the Irish Sea. How about the Bering Strait or the Panama Canal…"
"None of those," interrupted Mr. Spock. We are in space, far away from your planet Earth. At the present time, we are headed for a Class M planet in the Alpha Centauri system."
"The Alpha what?" asked Max, still not grasping the concept.
Mr. Spock looked at Max. Something didn't fit. "Tell me again what happened in the transporter room. Don't leave anything out."
Max related the story and Spock said, "You still haven't told me everything."
"Eh?" said Max.
"You tell me that there were two agents, one male and one female, who got into the malfunctioning transporter at the same time. Your partner has disappeared and you have felt strangely ever since. Am I not correct?"
"Yes…" said Max cautiously.
"I do not believe you are a woman."
"What are you talking about? This is a great disguise! The lab boys outdid themselves this time! Why I even thought I was 99 when I looked in the mirror…" Max's voice trailed off as he saw Mr. Spock raise an eyebrow.
"That is most illogical. You certainly do not look anywhere near 100 Earth years."
"That's not what I mean." Max sank down in a chair. He was sick of fighting with the horrible high-heeled shoes. He kicked them off. "So how did you guess?"
"It is not a guess. No self-respecting human woman would walk like you do or trip over her skirt all the time. My mother is human and I have spent a lot of time among your people. And…it's not a disguise, either," he added.
"How did you know?"
"Simple logic. But tell me, what is your name?"
"Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 of Control. We're an internationally known but very top secret spy organization." He leaned forward. "No one knows our phone number!"
Mr. Spock raised an eyebrow again. "Mr. Smart, with the aid of our Chief Engineer, I am going to help you get back to your own planet and your own time."
"How are you going to do that?" asked Max, rather excitedly.
"We will calculate exactly where you were in the space-time continuum when the anomaly took place. We will program our transporter which will put you back in your own place and time. I can give you the exact computer programming and how we calculate the coordinates…."
Spock looked at Max who was squinting his eyes, trying to figure out what the Vulcan was saying.
"Can you repeat some of that, Mr. Spock?"
"Which part?"
"The part after 'We will calculate…"
"It is not necessary that you understand all of this. And we don't have time for any more detail." If Mr. Spock would have been more fully human, he would have thought, There isn't enough time in 500 years to get Max to understand any of this.
"Now Mr. Smart, please put on the same clothes you were wearing at the time of the incident and then come to the transporter room."
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The next morning, 99 got up out of bed at their apartment and sincerely hoped that the whole mess was just a horrible nightmare. She looked in the mirror. Her face was still Max. Max's face needed a shave. She sighed. Then she thought that if she could just see the Chief in person, he might believe her about what happened.
99 rushed by Larrabee and entered the Chief's office. He looked up, irritated.
"Max, what is it?" Have you found the KAOS agents?
"No, not yet. I thought that if you saw me in person you would realize I'm not Max!"
"Why do you think you are not Max, Max?" asked the Chief.
"Do I look like Max, Chief?" said 99. Then she closed her eyes for a second, realizing she was starting to sound like Max. This was not helping her case. "Okay, that's not what I meant to say. What I mean is…"
The Chief stood up. "Max! You look like Max, you talk like Max, you act like Max…and then you tell me you're 99? After you two crack this case, which I sincerely hope you do, I want you to check yourself in with Control's psychiatrist!"
"What if we don't crack the case?"
"Then you're fired!"
Just then Max's shoe phone began to ring.
99 answered it and listened a second. "Max! Where are you?" She put the shoe back on and said, "Chief, I have to go back to NASA to meet Max! They found him!"
99 got up abruptly from the chair and tripped over the bottom of it. She picked herself up as the Chief glared at her. "Max!" he said, pointing his finger at the door. "OUT!"
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99 ran into NASA, showed her badge and continued to the café, where Max had asked her to meet him. She did a double take as she saw herself sitting at a table. Even thought she knew what had happened, it was still odd seeing herself. Her double was in an uncharacteristic pose, smoking a cigarette and wearing high heels. Her hair looked odd, combed and neat, but not curled or set and a little fly-away, no cream rinse, obviously. She wasn't wearing any makeup.
Max jumped up when he saw himself walk in the door, turned his ankle in the spike heels and fell down hard on his knees. He jumped up again quickly and kicked off the shoes. They ran to each other and embraced. 99 got teary-eyed. "I thought I'd never see you again."
"I thought I'd never see me again either!" He looked at his own face on 99 and said, "I am pretty handsome, don't you think? He looked a little closer. What are those cuts on my face, 99?" he asked.
"I was trying to shave, Max. Your beard grows pretty fast."
"Not that fast, 99! I was only gone four hours!"
"No, Max. You were gone over 24 hours! I guess that proves Einstein was right."
"Right about what, 99?"
"Never mind, Max," said 99, "Say, I have some flat shoes in the back of the car. I think you should change into them. You might hurt your ankle."
Max checked his ankle. "Too late, it's already swelling, 99." 99 brought the flat shoes from the car inside for Max. He asked her if she had found any clues while he was away.
"Unfortunately, no. And I irritated the Chief so much that he has threatened to fire us if we don't solve the case very soon. Let's see what we can find out. I know there's nothing obvious in the transporter room. Let's check out the room next door."
Max still had 99's purse with him. He pulled out a lipstick. "Is this the listening device, 99?" He opened it and starting inserting the lipstick in his ear.
"No, Max! The other end!"
Max inserted the other end of the lipstick in his ear, a small microphone, and began listening at the wall. He picked up a conversation in the next room. "99! They're talking about the transporter device!"
"What are they saying, Max?"
"They've been messing with it…it IS sabotage!…wait…they're trying to disable all of the transporters located at NASA's different locations…after they have transported important payloads to KAOS …they have…Dr. Eugene kidnapped…forcing him to work for KAOS!"
"Where is Dr. Eugene being held, Max?"
"They didn't say…we'll have to confront them."
The two secret agents entered the transport device room. Oddly enough, the door was open. Dr. Green was talking to the technician who had been working endlessly under the console of the device.
"All right, hands up!" said Max as he and 99 advanced on them with guns drawn. Dr. Green pulled a gun and started firing. 99 and Max took refuge behind the console.
"We'll never surrender!" shouted Dr. Green as he fired several more shots.
"Green, why did you want to work for KAOS? You have a great job at NASA!" yelled Max, in 99's voice.
"KAOS pays better than NASA!" yelled Dr. Green. He took another shot in Max's direction.
99 noticed Max counting on his fingers. "What are you doing, Max?"
"Counting the shots, 99. One more and his gun is empty." Green fired one more shot at them.
Max jumped up and said in 99's voice, "We have you now! You're out of bullets!"
"No, I'm not!" Green shot the gun out of Max's hand. Max grabbed his right hand in pain. "Now I am!" Green said tauntingly. "But I still have this!" He pulled out a tiny crossbow from his pocket and shot an arrow in the Control agents' direction.
99 (looking like Max) jumped up angrily and made a running leap at the man, knocking him off his feet. She delivered several very hard punches to the doctor's face and knocked him out cold.
The KAOS technician tried to run out the door, past Max, (looking like 99) thinking him out of commission. Max took his chance, tripped the man up and hit him over the head with the butt of the gun in his left hand.
Max sat on the floor. He took off his shoe, opened it up to reveal the phone and holding it between his knees, dialed with his left hand. "Hello, Chief!" he said cheerfully.
"99! It's so good to hear your voice!" said the Chief.
"Eh, yes. Chief, we've captured the KAOS agents and found out about the NASA sabotage," said Max. "We're holding them here at NASA, in the transport room. We need reinforcements while we search for Dr. Eugene."
"99, where have you been?"
"Eh, Chief, it's a long story. Right now, I need a little first aid. A band-aid should do it." He glanced at the back of 99's hand that had a red, bleeding, wicked looking scrape where the bullet had grazed him. It hurt a lot. "Maybe two band-aids. Maybe a sling."
Max hung up the phone and passed out from the pain. "Max!" said 99 in Max's voice. She had just finished tying up the two KAOS agents. She stayed with him until the Chief arrived with reinforcements.
They took Max to the Medic's office. He came to in a few minutes to find his hand bandaged with gauze and tape. His ankle had swollen to twice its size from his earlier mishap and they had wrapped it in an elastic bandage.
"We think it best if you keep off this for a few days, Ma'am," said the NASA medic. "We'd like you to use this crutch til the swelling goes down."
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The next day, Max and 99 arrived at the Chief's office bright and early. Larrabee eyed them strangely as 99 limped by with her crutch and bandaged hand.
Larrabee looked at 99 and said accusingly, "What did you do to her, Max?"
99 rolled Max's eyes. "Line of duty, Larrabee."
"It's your duty to beat her up? I'm going to tell the Chief!"
"Larrabee, we were on a case! She was hurt in the line of duty!" said 99, in Max's voice.
"How come you didn't get hurt then, Max? You always get hurt."
The two ignored him and entered the Chief's office.
"Congratulations on solving the case, 86 and 99!" said the Chief. "99, you'll be getting a commendation for being injured in the line of duty."
"That's not fair, Chief. I'm the one with the pain!" said Max in 99's voice.
"99, I said you would be getting the commendation. All right, what's going on?" He turned to 99. "Max, are you still on that kick of saying you are 99? Or do you really think you are 99? The psychiatrist would be very glad to see you, Max. He's been hoping to get a chance to analyze you ever since you started at Control."
The Chief looked at his two top agents. They looked a little odd this morning. Besides 99's injuries, her hair looked singularly awful, like she had washed it in Lava soap. She wasn't wearing any makeup and she took a cigarette out of a cigarette case in her pocket and lit it.
Max looked a little odd too, while he was dressed impeccably as usual, he had cuts from shaving all over his face. There were even tiny pieces of facial tissue over a couple of them. And his hair was parted on the wrong side…and he was carrying 99's purse. Just then the Chief smelled something burning.
"99! You lit your bandage on fire!" 99 (looking like Max) grabbed her purse and pulled out some tissue and patted the fire out on Max's bandage.
Max piped up. "Chief, you see it's this way. I'm her and she's me….or is she 99 and I'm Max…or am I Max and she's me? Maybe I'm not me and she isn't either…" The Chief saw 99's blue eyes cross a little and squint in confusion, something Max usually did.
"Chief, when both of us were in that transport device and it malfunctioned, we must have switched bodies," explained 99. "Max, in my body, disappeared somewhere."
"Yes, and I was in the 23rd century," said Max, nodding 99's head in Stan Laurel fashion.
"You what, 99?" said the Chief.
"You didn't tell me that, Max!" said 99.
"You didn't ask, 99!" he pouted.
"99, I was just beginning to believe you when you said 23rd century. I've never seen either of you act so ridiculous! I think you both ought to see the shrink!"
"Chief," said Max, in 99's voice. "I can prove where I was!" He pulled out a tiny pen like object from his pocket. It shimmered oddly. He placed it on the Chief's desk and pressed a tiny button. A flickering bubble appeared and became clearer. The bubble cleared to reveal a hologram of a tall, slender man dressed in a blue shirt and black pants and boots. He wore his black hair in bangs and the tips of his ears were pointed. He began to speak.
"My name is Spock, Science Officer aboard the Starship Enterprise, a Constitution class ship. For your reference, the timeline would be 2270 A.D. according to Earth customary numbering. Mr. Smart arrived aboard the ship via our transporter, through a space-time anomaly. He and his wife had apparently switched physical bodies during the anomaly.
"Mr. Smart made a valiant effort to hide his true identity from us because of his secret agent status, but through logic, I discovered who he is."
"See, I'm valiant," said Max, smiling. "What's valiant?"
Spock went on. "I have included information for Mr. Smart and his wife to change their identities back into their own bodies. This will be done using the same transporter that was used the first time. What follows are detailed instructions to be transmitted to your engineers. Mr. Smart, live long and prosper." He held up his right hand, palm facing out, with two fingers parted on each side, forming a "V" in the middle, the traditional Vulcan greeting. Spock then went into the technical instructions.
Max shut off the tiny pen and put it back in his pocket.
The Chief kept silence for a moment. "Max and 99," he said, quietly. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I didn't believe you, but…"
"It's okay, Chief," said 99, in Max's voice. "Completely understandable."
Max had the "I told you so" look on 99's face.
"Max, why didn't you tell me before this you had instructions on how to get us back to normal?" asked 99.
"Eh, I forgot."
"Before you go over to NASA, I want to tell you that we have found Dr. Eugene and arrested the KAOS agents who were holding him." The Chief paused. "This is still hard for me to put my mind around. 23rd Century… I suppose I should have seen it when 99 started babbling. I am really sorry that I didn't believe you, 99…" He looked at both of them….which one of you is 99 again?"
"Chief, you're babbling," said Max.
************************************************************************
That evening, at the Smarts' apartment, 99 was laying on the couch with her foot propped up. They had gone through the transporter earlier in the day, following Mr. Spock's instructions and were feeling like themselves again. 99 was extremely sore.
"Max, I'm sorry I can't make dinner tonight. It might be a while before my hand is up to it," she called out.
"It's OK, 99, I can cook. How do you think I got on before I married you?" Max yelled from the kitchen.
"Max, you ate out all the time!"
"Well, not all the time."
Max came out of the kitchen with an apron on. He brought over a table and placed it next to the couch. He put a tablecloth on the table and a lighted candle. Then he put a single rose in a vase in front of 99. He set the table for two.
He went back in the kitchen. He brought out plates of Chicken Cordon Bleu that looked wonderful, arranged beautifully on the plates. He brought out salad, vegetable side dishes and potatoes. He brought out a fabulous looking chocolate dessert. There was a bottle of wine on the table and he poured two glasses.
"Max," said 99. "You've never cooked for me before. Not like this anyway! This is so sweet!"
Max looked pleased.
"Max, I have to get up for a minute." She started limping over to the kitchen.
"Wait, 99, don't go in there." He ran ahead of her and put his arms across the door.
"Max, let me through. I need to see something." He stepped aside.
She pushed open the door to reveal Mrs. Murphy, the Smarts' matronly next-door neighbor, doing the dishes. Mrs. Murphy turned around and smiled. "Mr. Smart, I told you that you couldn't fool her…Mrs. Smart, sorry to hear that you had an accident. How did it happen? I am always amazed at how you greeting card people get injured so often!"
"Thank you so much for all this, Mrs. Murphy," said 99. She started back to the couch.
"Max, you don't have to fib to me. I appreciate this, even if you didn't cook it yourself. It is very thoughtful!"
"I just wanted to surprise you. After all, you deserve a nice dinner after hurting yourself like that."
"Max, you were the one who fell down and got shot…"laughed 99. I was wondering about something else. Where did I get all those black and blue marks all over? What were you doing? Oh, and by the way, what in the world did you wash my hair in last night? It took me an hour to get it out…one hand, you know."
"I washed your hair in that white stuff that was on the bathtub, 99. It didn't foam up too well, though."
"Max! That was bathroom cleanser!"
He changed the subject. "99, you should learn to shave better. Did you see all the cuts you put on my face? See here…and here…and here. 99, they hurt a lot!"
"Next time I have the chance to shave your face, I'll be more careful," she promised. She looked closer. "Max, there's a cut on your nose…were you shaving that too?"
"No, that's where the bathroom door hit me."
She grabbed him closer and they kissed. Her crutch slipped to the floor and she lost her balance, and they both tumbled, laughing, to the carpet. Max kissed her again, then carried her to the couch.
"Dinner's getting cold, sweetheart," he said.
"I know, love," smiled 99 as she kissed him again.
THE END