Disclaimer: Don't own him. I don't own Dr. Bimboo either.
A/N: Dr. Bimboo is mentioned in Signs, as the author of Morgan's (Rory Culkin) book. Explains a lot. Short and sweet and sour, the entries and the total length. Maybe more if it's popular enough. Flaming Eyeball because of what Sauron is. See the movie. Read the book. Dedicated to Sauron764, who needed a reason for the numbers in his name.

The Extremely Informative, Highly Secret, Very Personal Diary of Sauron, AKA The Flaming Eyeball

by rrp

Diary Entry 764: No success in finding the ring. Have heard from Nazgul 9 that it may be in the possession of a hoppit thing named Baggins. Wonder how he got it? Idiot Ilsidur. Men are so strange.

Diary Entry 765: Ring found. A Baggins named Hoppit or something like that. Nazgul 9 was right. I must promote him to Nazgul 8 or something. I miss my body...

Diary Entry 766: Sent the Nazgul out. Promoted 9 to 8. 8's mad about being 9 again. The Hoppit was trying to run. The seeing stone came on today, but I think the cable's broken. It was all fuzzy, and I couldn't get a good channel.

Diary Entry 767: The Seeing Stone thing is working again. Some incompetent minion called Sarumon wants to talk to me. Idiot. Keeps calling the hoppits 'hobbits'. And his name is so a spin off of mine. Copycat.

Diary Entry 768: I'm bored. Being an eyeball isn't any fun. The Orcs insist on cooking onions, and I need Visine, but no one's listening. I asked an Orc who passed by today if he had any eye drops, and he laughed. My eye hurts.

Diary Entry 769:-(or96?) I hate being dyslexic. No word from the Nazgul. I bet they're drunk somewhere. The Hoppits are still on the lose. I wonder if Hoppits are dangerous? I think my eye caught fire the other day. My eyelid is gone

Diary Entry 800: New numbers! Anyway, my eye is still on fire. I finally managed to get some Visine, but the stuff says 'Flammable' on the package. Darn. Too late. No word from the Nazgul. I wish the Orcs would stop cooking onions.

Diary Entry 801: Finally got back in contact with Dr. Bimboo, my Shrink. He says the flaming eye thing is how I deal with being a stereotyped Dark Lord. I say it's how I deal with being Visineless. The Seeing Stone is fuzzy again.

Diary Entry 802: Finally read Dr. Bimboo's book on aliens. I think I'm going to fire him. He's more insane than me. Maybe I should feed him to the hoppits. I wonder if hoppits eat shrinks?

Diary Entry 773: Dr. Bimboo found this book, and said that I can't skip from 769 to 800, even if I like 8 better. I told him I should get a phone number. 1-888-SAURON. He said he'd think about it.

Diary Entry 774: Dr. Bimboo says the Nazgul are busy looking for the hoppits. He also says that hoppits aren't dangerous. I don't believe him. And besides, who exactly is the huge flaming eyeball around here? Not him!

Diary Entry 775: Dr. Bimboo is giving the Orcs Anger Management Classes. I don't think it's going too well.

Diary Entry 776: I heard a scream the other day, and I haven't heard from Dr. Bimboo since. I can only assume the best. Dr. Bimboo is gone. Waiting for an Orc to walk by, so I can ask him.

Diary Entry 777: I've finally decided that Sarumon may actually be useful. Dr. Bimboo is really dead, and the Nazgul say that they've seen the hoppits. It's looking like a good day.