pRemus idled by the window, eyes staring straight ahead. Not at the scene in front of him, rather, through it. He couldn't watch, had forced himself to change his focus minutes before. Sirius was doing this to punish him, there could be no other explination./p
pThe dark-haired boy was leaning up against the wall, one arm raised to bare the brunt of his weight, the other dangling uselessly at his side. His fingers were scissored to hold the delicate shape of a cigarette, tapping it uselessly so that the ash fluttered to the ground like snowfall./p
pSince when did Sirius smoke? Remus ground his teeth in agitation and tried to force himself to turn away. It didn't work as well as he'd planned. He felt like he was frozen in place, feet secured firmly to the ground and body refusing to swivle. Sirius had to know he was there, had to know he was hurting him./p
pHe watched in agony as Sirius dipped down, face hovering over the girl beneath him. She was a pretty Hufflepuff girl, a year younger and fairly popular, at least in her own house. She was the sort of girl who could widen her large blue eyes, batt her lashes, giggle sweetly and all the boys came running. She was the perfect foil for the darkly handsome Sirius Black, blond and small. The epitome of femininity. /p
pSirius' lips just barely brushed the tittering girl. They swept over her forehead and then down to graze her lips. Remus didn't see any more than that. His body jerked away from the window, turning mechanically in the opposite direction from the scene and lurching into a run. He didn't even realize he'd done it until the sound of his own footsteps startled him into awareness. He never knew that Sirius glanced over at his retreating back, he only knew that when he got to his dorm no one was there. He fell into his bed gratefully and pulled the covers over his cloathed body, thankful for the sanctuary./p
pWhen Peter, and later James, came in they merely assumed that he was sleeping and left him alone. It was rare enough that he got any rest, they weren't about to disturb him. Sirius didn't come back till much later, and when he did Remus instinctively scrunched down in the bed, hiding beneath the thick covers./p
pSex. Sex and smoke and perfume. That's what Sirius smelled like. The heady scent hung heavy in the air, causing Remus' stomach to lurch nausiatingly. He resisted the urge to gag, moving his right arm just enough to cover his sensative nose. Not that it mattered. The smell was trapped now, torturing him, burned into his memory./p
pRemus could hear the heavy noise of Sirius lowering himself into the bed adjacent him. The springs creaked in protest as the dark-haired man turned, presumably trying to get comfortable. Then he went still. Nearly ten minutes later Remus had finally relaxed,thinking that the other boy had fallen asleep. Then, just as he was about to allow himself to settle as well, he heard Sirius' husky voice whisper "Goodnight Moony."/p
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The next day Remus felt too ill to get up, and when the other boys roused for breakfast he muttered an excuse and snuggled back into the warmth of his blankets. He stiffened instinctivly when he heard someone come to stand over him, and after a moment the presense left and he sighed. His mind refused to rest, and, ever active, began to explore the possibilities that the previous night contained./p
pHe could imagine them -- Sirius and the Hufflepuff girl -- curled together, sharing a cigarette and giggling as they kissed. Fingers slid over clothing and pushed it aside to reveal naked skin until the two of them lay curled together, lips and tongues moving against one another, fingers roving over flesh, and then bodies rolling together until sweat stood out on their foreheads. He could hear the sounds that they would make; the familiar grunts and soft curses from Sirius, moans and tremulous cries from the girl./p
pHe knew Sirius hadn't stayed long afterwards. Remus knew well enough his habbits concerning women, and he also knew that the girl probably didn't care. He also had no doubts that Sirius had gone outside briefly to smoke another cigarette -- he'd been able to smell the damp, clean air mingling with tar and tobacco when he'd come in the night before. /p
pThese were the same musings that had kept Remus up the night before, torturing him. They taunted and laughed, chanting in sing-song voices that he'd messed up, that this was his fault, that Sirius was hurting him on purpose. And for once he knew it wasn't simply his paranoia, his phobia about relationships. This time Sirius really was trying to hurt him. This time it was his own fault. . . and he knew why.ppbr
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Sirius curled against the couch, thick body drawn in on itself as he waited, impatiently flipping through his herbology text. He perked when Remus came in, laden down with his own books, lower-face hidden beneath his scarf. Sirius knew immediately that somthing was wrong by the way the werewolf's brows were furrowed. He didn't need to see his mouth to know that he was frowning./pp
"What's up, Moony?" he ventured, sitting up and leaning his upper body towards the other boy. "You feelin' alright?"/pp
Remus nodded, eyes momentarily leaving Sirius' face to glance around the Gryffindor common room, noting the other students scattered about. "I need to talk to you, Pads," he said softly./pp
Sirius was immediately afraid, chest constricting, but he nodded in agreement. If Remus wanted to talk, well, who was he to deny him? "Sure. Where?"/pp
Remus shrugged vaguely and tilted his head towards the stairs. They both knew that James and Peter were out and would be for most of the day. Sirius had been anticipating that fact for the last week, now sudddenly he wished that they'd stayed./pp
Sirius pushed himself up and waited for Remus to pass by so that he could lay his hand against the other boy's lower back as they walked. He wasn't unaware of Remus' wince, though he pretended not to notice it./pp
Once in their shared dorm Remus pulled away from the other boy and went to lean against his bed. He lay his books down next to his trunk and unwound his scarf from around his neck. Sirius had been right, he was frowning. /pp
Sirius had gone to sit on hiw own bed, staring across at Remus anxiously. "What is it, Remy? Is something wrong? Did I do somthing?"/p/i
pThe dark-haired boy was leaning up against the wall, one arm raised to bare the brunt of his weight, the other dangling uselessly at his side. His fingers were scissored to hold the delicate shape of a cigarette, tapping it uselessly so that the ash fluttered to the ground like snowfall./p
pSince when did Sirius smoke? Remus ground his teeth in agitation and tried to force himself to turn away. It didn't work as well as he'd planned. He felt like he was frozen in place, feet secured firmly to the ground and body refusing to swivle. Sirius had to know he was there, had to know he was hurting him./p
pHe watched in agony as Sirius dipped down, face hovering over the girl beneath him. She was a pretty Hufflepuff girl, a year younger and fairly popular, at least in her own house. She was the sort of girl who could widen her large blue eyes, batt her lashes, giggle sweetly and all the boys came running. She was the perfect foil for the darkly handsome Sirius Black, blond and small. The epitome of femininity. /p
pSirius' lips just barely brushed the tittering girl. They swept over her forehead and then down to graze her lips. Remus didn't see any more than that. His body jerked away from the window, turning mechanically in the opposite direction from the scene and lurching into a run. He didn't even realize he'd done it until the sound of his own footsteps startled him into awareness. He never knew that Sirius glanced over at his retreating back, he only knew that when he got to his dorm no one was there. He fell into his bed gratefully and pulled the covers over his cloathed body, thankful for the sanctuary./p
pWhen Peter, and later James, came in they merely assumed that he was sleeping and left him alone. It was rare enough that he got any rest, they weren't about to disturb him. Sirius didn't come back till much later, and when he did Remus instinctively scrunched down in the bed, hiding beneath the thick covers./p
pSex. Sex and smoke and perfume. That's what Sirius smelled like. The heady scent hung heavy in the air, causing Remus' stomach to lurch nausiatingly. He resisted the urge to gag, moving his right arm just enough to cover his sensative nose. Not that it mattered. The smell was trapped now, torturing him, burned into his memory./p
pRemus could hear the heavy noise of Sirius lowering himself into the bed adjacent him. The springs creaked in protest as the dark-haired man turned, presumably trying to get comfortable. Then he went still. Nearly ten minutes later Remus had finally relaxed,thinking that the other boy had fallen asleep. Then, just as he was about to allow himself to settle as well, he heard Sirius' husky voice whisper "Goodnight Moony."/p
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The next day Remus felt too ill to get up, and when the other boys roused for breakfast he muttered an excuse and snuggled back into the warmth of his blankets. He stiffened instinctivly when he heard someone come to stand over him, and after a moment the presense left and he sighed. His mind refused to rest, and, ever active, began to explore the possibilities that the previous night contained./p
pHe could imagine them -- Sirius and the Hufflepuff girl -- curled together, sharing a cigarette and giggling as they kissed. Fingers slid over clothing and pushed it aside to reveal naked skin until the two of them lay curled together, lips and tongues moving against one another, fingers roving over flesh, and then bodies rolling together until sweat stood out on their foreheads. He could hear the sounds that they would make; the familiar grunts and soft curses from Sirius, moans and tremulous cries from the girl./p
pHe knew Sirius hadn't stayed long afterwards. Remus knew well enough his habbits concerning women, and he also knew that the girl probably didn't care. He also had no doubts that Sirius had gone outside briefly to smoke another cigarette -- he'd been able to smell the damp, clean air mingling with tar and tobacco when he'd come in the night before. /p
pThese were the same musings that had kept Remus up the night before, torturing him. They taunted and laughed, chanting in sing-song voices that he'd messed up, that this was his fault, that Sirius was hurting him on purpose. And for once he knew it wasn't simply his paranoia, his phobia about relationships. This time Sirius really was trying to hurt him. This time it was his own fault. . . and he knew why.ppbr
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Sirius curled against the couch, thick body drawn in on itself as he waited, impatiently flipping through his herbology text. He perked when Remus came in, laden down with his own books, lower-face hidden beneath his scarf. Sirius knew immediately that somthing was wrong by the way the werewolf's brows were furrowed. He didn't need to see his mouth to know that he was frowning./pp
"What's up, Moony?" he ventured, sitting up and leaning his upper body towards the other boy. "You feelin' alright?"/pp
Remus nodded, eyes momentarily leaving Sirius' face to glance around the Gryffindor common room, noting the other students scattered about. "I need to talk to you, Pads," he said softly./pp
Sirius was immediately afraid, chest constricting, but he nodded in agreement. If Remus wanted to talk, well, who was he to deny him? "Sure. Where?"/pp
Remus shrugged vaguely and tilted his head towards the stairs. They both knew that James and Peter were out and would be for most of the day. Sirius had been anticipating that fact for the last week, now sudddenly he wished that they'd stayed./pp
Sirius pushed himself up and waited for Remus to pass by so that he could lay his hand against the other boy's lower back as they walked. He wasn't unaware of Remus' wince, though he pretended not to notice it./pp
Once in their shared dorm Remus pulled away from the other boy and went to lean against his bed. He lay his books down next to his trunk and unwound his scarf from around his neck. Sirius had been right, he was frowning. /pp
Sirius had gone to sit on hiw own bed, staring across at Remus anxiously. "What is it, Remy? Is something wrong? Did I do somthing?"/p/i