This is a story of the most amazing witch ever to attend Hogwarts. Even more amazing then Harry Potter and Chuck Norris put together! Mary Sue Parody.

Once upon a time the most annoying girl on the planet (even to the Muggles) and her name was Jessica. Randomly Jessica decided that she wanted to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to learn how to do magic so that she could be even more awesome. So she waved goodbye to her parents, who honestly could care less if their estrange daughter wanted to learn hocus pocus, and headed towards the train station. Unfortunately Jessica was an American and she had to swim across the ocean first. She braved sharks and jellyfish Voldermort was no match for this one.

"I made it!" Jessica shouted gleefully as she stepped onto the beach. "Look out Hogwarts here I come!"

A scruffy old man who could have been 10,000 years old came out of a run-down shack to see Jessica frolicking along with the waves. "Did I just hear ya say Hogwarts?" he screamed at her.

"Yes, I'm going to Hogwarts to be the best witch ever because I am the most amazing person you will ever know." Jessica flashed a blinding white smile.

"Well ain't Hogwarts in England? You're in Iceland." The man grumbled and coughed a little into a white napkin.

"Iceland?! How the hell did I end up in Iceland?!" Jessica was bemused. "People like me do not get lost!"

"I don't care who ya are but you are on my property!" The old man started to hobble over to her shaking his weathered cane fiercely.

"No I'm allergic to old people! Stay back!" Jessica ran back into the ocean where a dolphin was waiting for her. "Take me to England!" she shouted as she latched onto the marine animal's back. And the dolphin who could sense how amazingly awesome Jessica was burst out into open water heading for England.

Meanwhile the man on the beach had fallen over and couldn't get up. So Voldermort came and killed him.

When Jessica really got to England this time she started dancing. That is until she noticed some local fishermen had caught her dolphin friend in a net. "Hey!" She screamed outraged. "You better make me some good tuna out of that!" And then she floated away merrily towards London where she would join the other and less talented members of the wizarding community.

Meanwhile Voldermort came and killed the fishermen. Then he made an allegiance with the dolphin.

Jessica was in London in remarkable timing. She ran through the pillar to reach Platform 9 ¾ even though she didn't have any trunks of clothing, books, or general supplies. Most importantly she didn't even have a Hogwarts letter so technically she wasn't even supposed to be allowed on the train but that didn't stop Jessica.

Jessica sat alone in a compartment flicking her wand between her fingers gently. How she managed to get a wand we shall never know but she had one now and that is the point. Out of all the possible compartments on the entire train Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, and Hermione Granger all decided to sit with Jessica.

"'Ello!" Ron smiled brightly at the new girl. "My name's Ron. This is Harry and Hermione." He introduced as he help Hermione load her trunk into the overhead shelve.

"My name is Jessica." Jessica stated bluntly.

"Oh, but you are not the Jessica are you?" Hermione looked shocked as she studied Jessica's face carefully. "The one who destroyed the infamous American dark wizard Kirk Keeganburg!"

"Who is that?" Harry asked in a cute little way. "Never heard of him."

"Harry he is the American equivalent of You-Know-Who!" Hermione gasped. She was astonished that anyone would not know who Kirk Keeganburg is. Why couldn't everyone devote all their time and energy to books and learning like she could?

"Yes, I am that Jessica." Jessica said proudly. "I vanquish dark wizards better than your so called Aurors. In fact I bet I could beat them too."

"Wait a minute." Hermione eyed Jessica cautiously. "Kirk Keeganburg died over fifty years ago. You couldn't have been the Jessica that destroyed him!"

"Oh yeah well if I wanted to kill him I could have because I am so awesome. And powerful." Jessica boasted. "And you're just a dumb little girl."

"Hey! Don't talk to Hermione that way!" Ron and Harry both shouted at the same time. They raised their wands in unison as well. "Besides I'm not a little girl." Herminie scoffed. "I'm older than you. You're a first year."

"I am not. I'm skipping up to year 8." Jessica crossed her arms, ignoring the fact that Harry and Ron both had their wands trained on her.

"There is no such thing as year 8! You only go to Hogwarts for 7 years!" Hermione protested.

"Well I'm changing things around at Hogwarts." Jessica mimicked Hermione's know-it-all voice.

"She'll wind up in Slytherin for sure." Ron rolled his eyes. "How about you leave our compartment huh?"

Jessica glared at Ron "Your compartment? I was here first you little red headed-"

"Stupefy!" Harry shouted. But Jessica stood there untouched. You see when you are as perfect as Jessica simple spells have no effect on you whatsoever.

"Ha-ha! You fools!" Jessica laughed loudly. "Now get out of here!" She point out the door. Ron, Hermione, and Harry grumbled loudly and left the compartment. Just as they left another boy poked his head in.

"Hey have you seen my toad? I can't find it anywhere!" Neville Longbottom complained.

"Oh that was yours?" Jessica asked timidly.

"Yes! Have you seen him?!" Neville got excited that someone might have seen where his long lost toad Trevor had gone to.

"I accidentally flushed him down the toilet. Sorry." Jessica shrugged.

"What? Why would you do something like that!?" Neville began to scream at the top of his lungs and shook his fists into the air.

"Sorry I thought he would have wanted to swim you know? I was only trying to help." Jessica yawned and looked back out the window. Malfoy pushed Neville down onto the ground from behind. "Stop you're shouting I was having my beauty sleep!"

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" Jessica stood up in her seat. Her head hit the ceiling with a thunk. "Son of a-"

Malfoy stared at the new girl in utter fascination. She was so beautiful with her golden brown hair and piercing blue eyes and flawless complexion. He immediately fell in love with a complete stranger with whom he had never spoken to or seen before right now. But that didn't matter because Malfoy was in LOVE.

"I love you." He whispered dreamily.

"Um.." Jessica muttered and rubbed the back of her. Neville looked up at her from the floor. "This is kind of awkward…" Neville sighed looking between Draco and Jessica with watering eyes.

"Yes, well since this is all starting to freak me out a bit, I'm leaving. Goodbye!" And no one saw Jessica until they train arrived at Hogwarts.