This is my Christmas present for x-chesire-puss-x, though it sounds a bit weird...
Well... it is angst as requested, and I made it tragedy to make it easier to write, and it's... a... present.
Hope you like it:3
Sorry for vanishing into the thin air for a while... I had greatest writer's block in my whole life.
I just didn't feel like writing anything about 'love' thanks to people making my own little affair a total disaster.
Just as a warning, it's OOC.
Original Hetalia never mentioned about death of character, so I had to figure what it would be like on my own.
So everyone, please, don't like it, don't read it.
And I'll write Meant To Be Like This soon, but I wonder if I can finish that before 2011...
It didn't have to like this, right..? Jesus was born today, but that doesn't mean somebody has to die to match the balance... Well, that somebody doesn't have to be you... May be, I was a terrible oyabun after all. No, I was. And I still will be, as I kneel in front of the cross, confessing my sin.
"I really loved you..."
The merry atmosphere of the Christmas covered the village just like blanket of white snow. Everyone had gentle smile on their faces as they hurried to their home, hoping to spend the Christmas eve with their families. The bells rang and carols filled the almost empty streets. It was going to be wonderful night. People were ready to celebrate the birth of a little baby who would grow to be a hope of the world.
"Lovino, aren't you excited?"
"About what?"
"Silly, it's Christmas eve! You should be smiling more, at least today. Everyone's in mood for parties, so stop pouting. Though you are so cute when you pout."
"Like hell, just shut that pie hole. And I'm not excited, not at all."
Stressing the last three words, Lovino sat down on the couch in the living room and stared out at the window to see the velvety night sky spreading on top of everything. He knew it was Christmas eve, for Antonio has been chanting the words 'Christmas eve' all day long. Even if he didn't, how could he forget about Christmas? It is one of the biggest celebration, if not the biggest, to Catholics. He knew that there had been preparations starting from weeks ago in the cathedral near by, though he deliberately didn't attend them. There was Jesse Tree standing in the corner of the house that Antonio had set. Everything was about Christmas. Everything was about Jesus.
"Come on, when I went to party yesterday at Ita-chan's, he wasn't this gloomy about..."
At the mentioning of his brother's name, Lovino's breathing became slightly unstable, letting out a noise between gasp and growl. The change startled Antonio, and he quickly closed his mouth. He blamed himself for being so careless to throw the other Italian's name into the sentence, especially since Lovino has been very moody these days. The Spaniard felt uneasy as he glanced at the little brunet's face. Heavy weight of guilt seemed to pull him down to the bottom of the earth. He tried to assure himself that no one knew about his darkest sin of all. He firmly grasped his shaky voice to change the subject.
"I just made some tomato juice. Do you want some? Or do you want something else like wine or-"
"Leave me alone, you bastard."
Lovino stood up and walked past the taller one, ignoring the worried look on the other's face. Every steps made him feel uncomfortable, his stomach bringing up urges to throw up everything that he ate that day. Entering the bedroom, he careless threw his clothes on the floor and changed to his pajamas. He didn't feel like going to bed, but there was nothing else he could do to calm his stomach. However, just as the warm blankets were about to take him to the deepest dream that would ease his pain, the bedroom door opened and another body laid itself next to his. Warmth of the skin wrapped around Lovino as Antonio pulled him and locked him in his arms. The wave of mixed emotion struck him so hard that he almost gagged at that feeling.
"Love you, Lovi... Good night."
Antonio was about to close his eyes, his face nuzzling against the silky brown hair, when he felt the smooth skin shivering against his own. Then, the sobbing sound came and chilled the air in the room. He was just about to see what was wrong with Lovino, when the Italian freed himself from the arms, and tried to run away from him. But Antonio was little bit faster, and was able to catch the other by the arm and bring him near again. But the amber eyes were hiding from him, as Lovino wiggled with his face turned away to the other side.
"Let me go, you fucking shit!"
"Wha- why are you doing this? What's wrong? Just tell me without freaking out, Lovi, it's okay. It's just me, and-"
"And you are the fucking problem! I said, let me go!"
Everything just seemed to be one big blur. Colors mingled in the darkness as he tried to run away, shaking the hands holding him violently. This warmth, he wanted to savor for his rest of the life. But at the same time, it disgusted him. Everything was fake. Nothing was real. Christmas is not about everyone. It's just for one special baby whom was beloved by many. Antoni's love was not for him. It was just for the one whom he truly loved...
"Lovi, calm down, please. Tell me what I did wrong, then I'll never do it again."
"Oh yeah? Then stop pretending that shit! I'm sick of you using me as a substitute, sick of your foolish smile, so just leave me alone!"
When Lovino finally got one of his arms free, he struck the taller man right in the solar plexus, which drew all the air out from his lungs. The Spaniard fell on the mattress, gasping for air, but could catch a glimpse of the Italian man dashing out of the room. Soon, the loud thud rang the whole house, and Antonio assumed the sound to be the front door closing shut as Lovino ran outside. But nothing stayed in his mind for more than second as he realized what had troubled the little brunet so much. Lovino found out about it somehow.
"But... you don't know about the rest..!"
Icy cold breeze brushed against Lovino as if it was trying to freeze him completely. But he didn't mind that much, for it helped numbing the pain that started from the inside of him. His feet wondered helplessly around the town for he had no where to go now. He definitely did not want to go back; he didn't have enough courage to face the truth that Antonio hid from him. Still, he couldn't stay outside in his pajama until he could find some way to contact whomever that could provide him a temporary shelter. The next thing that caught his eyes were tall building with graceful cross on the top of the roof. The elaborate illumination was so bright, that even that looked holy.
"I... I guess I have some confession to do... Oh, lord..."
Antonio followed Lovino to the outside. The footprints on the snow gave him vague direction, but soon lost its use when all kinds of different footsteps were over each others. The chilly air seemed to carve the coldness into his skin, but he tried his best to ignore the pain. He had to keep up with it no matter what in order to solve the misunderstanding between him and his love. His love, that took him what felt like forever to realize that 'he' was the one Antonio was looking for. As he ran around the village like a mad man, he asked other people he found on the street if they had seen Lovino, though the answer to the question was always the same, until he came across one small girl, who slowly pointed the cathedral.
"He was running toward the cathedral... he was crying. Did he get coals from the Santa Clause?"
Delightful carol filled the magnificent interior of he building. People were having a small feast as the midnight approached. Lovino was the all by himself, kneeling in front of the cross. His lips moved under sobbing whispers of his prayer. Tears ran down and soaked the pale lips, while the blank eyes were fixed on the cross. The emotions that flooded into him was just unbearable. No, even if he could, he chose not to. He wanted peace.
"...forgive me for the sinful affection toward him, that led both of us into such disaster, and guide us into eternal peace in your arms... Please... Is this what I get from reading someone else's secrets? Is this my punishment for my love that can't be granted? Or for trying to hide it from you? Do I have to suffer more..?"
Antonio's limbs were numb from the cold weather. They won't just listen to what his brain forced them to do. He slipped on the ice as his legs went weary. His arms felt like a burden to him. But he had to get to the cathedral. It's not that he wanted Lovino to accept what he was hiding. All he wanted to do was to apologize... and tell him that he was much more than mere substitute.
"Lovi... I was just so stupid... just like you said, I was a bastard..."
Something under the cross reflected the candle light, shining like a hidden star on the night sky. Lovino leaned forward and grabbed the cold object. His watery eyes started to shake. Yet, his lips curled upward to form sorrowful smile.
"Is this... your answer..?"
The grand bell rang twelve times when the clock alarmed the new day. At the last vibration of the sound, Antonio swung the door open and ran into the cathedral. Sweet lyrics loomed over the place. People sang of the hope and joy, of the birth of their savior.
"Lovino..?"
Everything was splattered in red. No lively green was to be seen.
It was just red, crimson red Christmas.
Most of the time I think of Spamano, Feli is just a huge obstacle for Lovi to get over...
I feel sorry for Feli...
I think I'll write GerIta later... if possible, my first smut..