This is Zexion, if you're wondering, and it contains thoughts of suicide. I'm sorry if I offend you in anyway...I didn't mean to if I did. But don't worry, Zexion doesn't die. XD
Song: Suifeesen - Fujita Maiko
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I didn't want to live anymore, and it was that simple.
So instead of making a scene and hanging myself or slashing my wrists, I simply yelled that I was going for a walk, not bothering to look at anyone or answer when Mom asked, "Where?"
It was snowing, and it was cold.
Freezing to death, falling asleep in the bliss, it would be alright.
It would be pretty, and I wouldn't be horribly mutilated in any way. Just covered in a bit of frost, and a bit paler than usual.
So, instead of people thinking it would be suicide, they would think that maybe I fainted in the cold, or maybe sat down and fell asleep, and froze to death.
Not so bad. Not bad at all.
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I wasn't depressed, or angry at anyone, to want to end my life. It was that I felt I had no purpose, and instead of filling the void my mother had when she had given birth to me, I didn't fill it at all. Now, don't get me wrong, my mother loved me, it's not as if she thought I didn't fill the void. I just knew, that was all. No matter what I did, even if she loved me, nothing I did in the future could benefit her in the least. I was just a being taking up space, reading all day and night, with no friends to speak of.
So, when I found out that my mother was pregnant, I thought it was the perfect opportunity. She was having a new child, and maybe this one would help her more than I could. I loved her, and wanted to do all I could for her, but it was beyond my reach.
"Honey, you want to help me name the baby?"
Oh, Mom. Helping you name it would just remind you of me when I'm gone.
"Maybe, when you have it. What is it's gender anyway?"
My mom had smiled at me, an endearing look that I had a feeling that I would be sorry to lose.
"It's a suprise. I didn't let the ultrasound technician tell me. Suprises are better, huh?"
She smiled again, looking down at the book she had been reading.
"Yea. Suprises are better."
I hated being in that conversation, all because it was making more memories. I didn't WANT her to remember me. I wanted her to be much happier.
It had hurt, thinking about it when I woke up the morning of the plan that I had. It was a random chance of luck, too, with it snowing and all. I was having second-thoughts, too, so to avoid problems, I just barged out the door, dressed in clothing appropriate for snow. Mom would've made me stay in if I hadn't.
The snow was extremely beautiful, like I had hoped, and a thick blanket of it covered the area around the house and as far as I could see. Good. That also meant the woods were the same. That was the area my death was going to be set in, deep in the woods, right underneath my favorite tree. It was a maple, and even though its bright red leaves were gone, it was still beautiful.
So, I began to walk around the back of the house, edging towards the woods.
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My shoes (I hadn't bothered with boots or anything of the sort) were soaked by the time I had reached the area, and my face was freezing. I could hardly move my fingers.
I looked up at the tree, then at the sky. White, so very blank, yet pretty. Then, with a sigh, I sat down at the base of the tree, the snow gathering around me as I sat. I kept my hands in my pockets, to prevent any more pain to them than necessary. I hadn't thought about the pain of freezing to death, only about the part where I died. Turns out this sort of death had a little pain along with it. All did, though. So I couldn't exactly complain.
My breath clouded in front of me, and I closed my eyes, willing myself to sleep.
However, the bitter cold didn't allow this, so I sat, allowing this cold to envelop me and to let myself think.
'Perhaps I should say goodbyes.'
Even though it was a depressing thought, it was something I could do.
'I suppose it could help me rest my consciene a bit, considering I left no will.'
But there hadn't been a need to write one, really. Everything would go to my mother, considering I had no close friends or acquaintances.
I figured I could start it like a letter. I had been good at writing.
'Mom,
This is going to sound pathetic, but I am sorry that I couldn't have been a better son to you. I understand, Mom, that you love me, and have done everything in your power to make me happy, but it saddens me not being able to return the favor. Please, if you could, try to forget about me, no that's not right, but I ask that you think of me very little. Focus on your new child, your only child. To let you know, I didn't do this because of the new baby. I think I did this because I feel like I'm a waste of space. I love you Mom, but I don't like feeling useless anymore. Maybe wherever I go when I die will have me serve a better purpose.
I know I sound self-pitying, and I don't want you to think of me that way. I'm doing this for you, and the baby.
I love you,
Zexion.'
It did sound self-pitying and self-centered, and I didn't like it, but it was all I could really think of at that moment. My thoughts were already clouding, my focus growing more and more unsteady. I hadn't known it was going to be this quick. In fact, I was growing sleepy, even.
'I wonder what people will think.' I thought, looking down at my jean-clad legs. Would they miss the short, quiet, blue-haired kid that sat by himself, reading almost constantly? I wondered how many people would attend the funeral. My school would most likely hold a memorial, like they did for Zack Fair, when he died in a car accident. It would be different at mine though. At Zack's memorial almost everyone cried, especially his boyfriend, Cloud, who had been in the car during the incident. At my memorial, people would most likely look at one another and whisper "Who?" to each other. The only one to cry would probably be my mother, if she attended.
'That's kind of sad.'
It didn't matter though. I didn't really care.
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It was so close...
My breathing had slowed, and my heartbeat was agonizingly slow as well. Everything seemed to echo around me, and my sight was terribly fuzzy. It wasn't even cold anymore. In fact, I felt warm, comfortable even.
Unable to keep my eyelids open anymore, I slowly closed my eyes, letting exhaustion take over my actions. My body relaxed, and I felt myself slip into sleep.
Everything was in slow-mo. Every sound, and I could hear the whoosh sound of the wind rush around me.
Ah, here it came.
Blackness, and my breathing faltered.
No pain. I felt no pain at all.
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Slow, terribly slow crunching noises invaded my ears, interrupting my almost-death. I opened my eyes reluctantly, and it felt as if anvils were settled on them. Just distorted shapes and colors surrounded me, except, oddly, some were moving. They seemed to be clumsily ambling foward, spidery shapes branching out towards me.
Distorted, low noises.
Was it a bear?
'Who cares?' my mind told me, willing my eyes closed again.
And then, a sharp shake to my shoulders roused me slightly. I opened my eyes to see two pools of sea-green looking down at me, ice-berg ice, sea foam.
"H- - e- y- -"
I tried to close my eyes again, only to recieve a sharper shake than before. No, dammit, let me sleep...
The voice called out again, and I couldn't help but look into that odd greeny-blue color, and listen harder.
"H...-y! D-..n't g-... b...-c... to...slee-"
I nodded, trying to make sense of the whole situation.
Another shake, and he spoke more clearly.
"My name...-s-...Demyx...-m...-onna...-help you.."
'No, just leave me..' Despite my inward protesting, I (hardly) felt someone's arm wrap around my back, and under my legs. Then, some jostling.
I leaned against the warmth of the person holding me, unable to slip into death, as I wished.
I had been saved, unfortunately.
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A/N: Wow, I'm proud. :D I really like this fic, however depressing it may be. It IS going to be multiple chapters, and I do plan on finishing it. I like it too much to just abandon it. X3
Review. PLEASE. I FEED OFF THOSE THINGS, I'M SERIOUS.
(Take a listen to the song, too. It's awesome. :D)
Flamers, I'll think of a threat later. Just don't flame, got it memorized? (Muahaha! XD)
Thank you!
- - Yuki